Part XI: You say he's just friend...
[Christopher]
I didn't know what to do when it came to home and the legacy, but Lisa made shit so much better. I could really talk to her, you know? It was hard, at first, because I've never really expressed my feelings to someone, but Lisa...
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Shorty made me want to tell her everything. Everything was crystal clear with her, and I didn't have to worry about anything. At home, Julian was losing his mind. Boy was hot boxing it every other day, and when he wasn't high, he was irritable. I'm starting to think that the kid is bipolar, but I don't want to just put that label on him without there actually being a diagnosis.
And, ever since Lisa said something, I've been reconsidering taking on the legacy. It seems like an honor or whatever, but she's right.. I'm not trying to end up fueling the stereotypes that follow guys like me around. I'm smarter than that...
Currently, I was over Lisa's place. My head was in her lap as she caressed my hair and channel surfed. "You're even beautiful from this angle," I told her. She smirked. "Well, thanks," she said. I took her hand into mine and kissed her palm. "That's so weird," she cringed. "Why do you kiss my palm?" "Well, when I was little.. I always saw my pops kiss my mom's palm. I never asked why, but I think it just means more when you kiss someone on the palm," I kissed her palm again.
She blushed a bit as I held her hand over my heart. "Speaking of my pops, I want you to meet him," I said. "Really?" she asked. I nodded in response. "You mean a lot to me, L... And, my pops' opinion means a lot, so I just want to make sure that I'm doing something right," I looked into her eyes. "What do you mean?" she inquired. "I mean.. I just need to make sure I'm on the right path. If my pops thinks you're legit then I'm doing something right. I have clarity on something," I elaborated. "What if he doesn't think I'm--." "He will. I promise," I assured. "Okay," she apprehensively said...
I massaged her hand for a while before speaking again. "You love me, L?" I looked up at her. She smirked while glancing down at me. "Do you love me ?" she asked. "Yeah," I nodded. "What isn't there to love?" She smirked and kissed my forehead. Then my nose. Then my lips.
I savored the moment and just when she was about to pull away, I leaned up to reattach our lips. She giggled at my actions as I continued to kiss her. For several moments, we toyed with each other's lips, gently tugging and lightly biting. My heart slowly sped up its race as we switched our positions. I pulled her close as my back was against the arm rest of the couch. My hands slowly glided against her as our tongues became acquainted. Just as I starting to get hard, she pulled away. I stared into her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak but I butted in before she could say anything.
"You didn't answer my question," I said. "W-What question?" she stumbled over her words a bit, rearranging her train of thought. "Do you love me?" I restated the question. "Uh.. I... I--." "You don't, do you?" I spoke. "Nonono, Chris. You've got it all wrong," she said as I sat up and took my arms from around her. "Tell me what's right then," I demanded as she shifted the way she sat. "I.. want to love you. I really do. Hell, I might love you right now, but I'll never admit it," she said. "And, why won't you?" I stared at her as she looked down. She was silent for a few moments. "Huh?" I nearly barked. "I don't know," she finally asked. "What are you protecting your heart from? Huh? What are you protecting your heart from?" I said almost mockingly.
"You're a fucking hypocrite, you know that?" I stood and began to gather my belongings. "Chris--." "No! You're telling me to open my heart to you, but you're not doing the same," I said as she stood. "You know what? I'll accept that, but you're..." she spoke before I began to get vocal again. Our words flowed from our lips and got scrambled in each other as we argued.
I grabbed my backpack and my jacket, still maintaining my position in the argument. "God, you're so unbearable! Just get out!" "What do you think I'm doing?" I shouted before making my way toward her front door. "Call me when you stop acting like a b--." "Boy, get the fuck out," she demanded. I kissed my teeth and more than happily left with her slamming the door behind me.
Once everything settled in, I sighed. "I could've handled that better," I mumbled while scratching my head. I stood for several moments before putting aside my pride and knocking on her door. The door was snatched open, and as soon as our eyes met, we began talking at the same time. 'I should've handled that better's and 'you were right's were circulated before we kissed and made up.
I hugged her tight and when our lips met, the whole argument prior seemed stupid. Even though it seemed stupid, I knew it wasn't and that meant that my question still needed to be answered.
"You love me?" I mumbled against her lips. "Chris--." "I just need to know," I said, lowering my position so I could get a grip on her thighs. "Chris--." she let out a shriek as I picked her up and wrapped her legs around my waist. She stared into my eyes for several moments. "Where's your room?" I breathed. "Down the hall, second door to the right."
I carried her there as she caressed my face and kissed my neck. I sat on the bed before my hands glided against her skin, under her shirt. "When's your mom going to be back?" I asked. "Five," she mumbled as I began to kiss her neck. "Good," I smirked before laying her down...
About an hour and a half later, I woke up bare in Lisa's bed. And, she was sleeping like an angel. I pulled her close and kissed her forehead. "I love you," I whispered before closing my eyes. Just as I was drifting to back to sleep, I heard a door open and close. "Lisa, I'm home!"
My eyes popped open as I looked at the time. 5:00 "Shit," I whispered while getting up and hurriedly putting on my clothes. I nearly fell trying to put my jeans and shoes back on. "Lisa!"
Lisa slowly sat up at the sound of her mother. "Fuck," she sighed while slipping her clothes back on as well. "Coming!" Lisa called. "Where's my jacket?" I whispered. "What do you mean where's your--." "My jacket. My fucking jacket," I whispered as she sloppily made her bed. "How am I going to--." "The fire escape," she whispered while opening her window. "L, are you crazy?! It's freezing!" I loudly whispered. "Lisa!" her mother yelled. "Go!" she pushed me out and closed the window after me. I stood out there, freezing my ass off for nearly ten minutes...
I peeked into her room, spotting my jacket and my backpack. I waited for a bit longer before the window opened. "Here," she handed my belongings to me. "Thanks, Baby," I smiled while taking my things and crouching so we were face to face. "I love you," I pecked her lips. "Mhm," she nodded in response and closed the window before I could even say anything.
"Damn, even after we fuck, she won't say it," I thought while putting my jacket and backpack on. I jogged down the fire escape and to my car before driving home, where I was greeted with the smell of weed. "Goddamn it, Julian!" I shouted while going upstairs. I banged on his closed bedroom door. "Yo! You know Mom would beat your ass if she came home to the whole house smelling like weed. Put that shit out, man," I shouted. The door was snatched open before my eyes met a bloodshot pair. "Yo, stop banging on my fucking door, B. You're blowing my high," he said. "I don't give a damn about blowing your high, Julian. Are you fucking crazy? All you do is--." "Julian," a female voice called from his room. I raised an eyebrow as he told her that he'd be right with her. "Who dat?" I asked. "Don't worry about it," he gave a stupid ass grin. "Where are you even getting all this weed from?" I asked. "The stash," he began to chuckle. "What stash?" my eyebrows furrowed. "The stash," he said. "Julian, I-I know you didn't--." "Juliannn," the girl whined. "Wait a second, yo," he grinned while looking back at her.
"Julian... Please tell me you didn't go into the stash at the spot," I put my hands together in prayer stance and closed my eyes, trying to keep my cool. "Where else would I get my weed from?" he chucked. "Julian, do you have any idea how much--." "Yo, man, I honestly don't care," he shook his head. "You should! Mom works harder than anybody trying to get that shit! Do you know how much money we're losing?! Huh?" I began to raise my voice. He cackled. "Chris, I don't give a fuc--." I socked him in the face as hard as I could, trying to knock some sense into him.
"How the hell you expect to take my spot when you smoking up all that we're supplying?" I shouted. "What the fuck is wrong with you, man? You can't be apart of the business so you choose to ruin it?" I asked as he recovered from my blow. "Yo, why you so violent all the time?" he chuckled. "I'm trying to--." "Julian," the whining came back. "Ayo, I'm trying to have a conversation with my fucking brother. Shut your horny ass up!" I told this random ass girl that was laying in his bed.
"Yo, don't talk to my bitch like that. Have some respect, man," his eyes were barely open as he spoke. "You know what? I'm letting Mom deal with you, B," I shook my head while starting to walk away. "Yooo, I think I figured it out," he laughed. "Figured what out?" My face scrunched up at him. "Why you're so violent... Check it... You have a lot of internalized anger toward your dad for not being there like he should've been, so you take it out on me," he smirked. "First of all, he's your dad too, dumb ass. Secondly, if I was ever angry at him, I wouldn't be as of now because we got a solid ass bond unlike you," I spoke in a monotone voice. "Denial is a bitch, huh?" he cackled before finally returning into his room...
I scoffed and jogged downstairs to find Harmony eating in the kitchen. "How long have you been here letting him smoke?" I asked. "He was smoking and fucking when I got here, Dad," she said, trying to tell me that I sounded like somebody's father. I smirked while nudging her. "Man, whatever." She laughed. "Where were you after dinner, the other night?" I asked, sitting next to her. "I was at Stokely's," she replied. "Really? What did his pops say?" I asked, reaching and eating some of her candy. "He doesn't live with his dad," she replied. "Okay? His mom," I corrected myself. "Nope. He's got his own loft in Brooklyn," she smirked. I chuckled. "Oh, really? And, let me guess. You spent the night," I sarcastically spoke. "Yep," she nodded.
I nearly choked on what I was eating. She patted my back until I was okay. "You spent the night?!" My voice cracked. "Chris, don't--." "What the fuck were you thinking? You're the main one talking about saving something sacred, and you're spending the night at his place... My sister. Jesus, my baby sister," I shook my head. "He talked you into it, didn't he? Oh my god."
"Chris, chill out. I didn't do anything I didn't want to. Matter of fact, we didn't even do anything. He knows how I feel about my virginity and he respects that. He's a good guy, Chris," she said. "Hm, okay," I obviously didn't believe her. "Chris, why do you even hate him so much? You don't even know him," she said. "I don't hate him... I just don't want to see you hurt," I muttered while grabbing more candy. "And you think fighting him all the time won't hurt me?" she stared at me. I sighed. "I'm sorry... I just don't want any guys thinking it's okay to hurt--." "He's not hurting me, Chris! He's... He's the best thing that's happened to me... He treats me like a queen. Don't you want that for me?" she asked. "Of course," I said. "Then just relax," she told me...
"Yeah, well, I still can't believe you spent the night at his house," I mumbled. "You don't trust me alone with Stokely?" she smirked. "Anything can happen when you're alone with someone, especially at night," I reminded her. "Not just anything happened, Chris. Nothing happened," she reassured me. "Uh-huh.. Keep it that way," I told her. "I will," she smiled before my phone vibrated.
I glanced at my phone, seeing a text from "Babyyy" which was originally just "Lisa."
"You left your textbook."
"I'll get it tomorrow, Baby," I replied. "Ok," she sent. "I love you," I told her. She read but didn't reply, bruising my ego in the process.
"Harmony?" I spoke. "Yeah?" "What do you do when you love someone, but you're not sure if they feel the same? Like, you know they feel some type of way about you, but you don't know if they love you," I asked for advice. "Tell them how you feel, and see what they say," she half shrugged. "I did that, but... she.. I don't know," I scratched my head. "Ask her exactly how she feels," she said. "Are you sure?" I raised an eyebrow. "You want an answer, don't you?" she glanced at me. "Yeah... Yeah, you're right.. Thanks, Moni," I stood and kissed the top of her head while taking another handful of her candy. "Stop eating all my stuff," she whined as I jogged upstairs and went into my room.
I started to call her, but I decided against it since I would rather ask her in person...
The next day, Lisa avoided me like a motherfucka'. Whenever I even got in the same area as her, she'd hurry to class. Whenever I saw her at her locker, I would start to approach, but she would leave before I could come close. So, when it came time to collect my textbook, I didn't want to... So, I told her via text that I'd get it the next day..
And, I did.
I dropped by about an hour after school. "Hey," I greeted after she opened the door. "Hey," she said. "I'm here for my textbook," I reminded her. "Yeah... Right, right," she nodded as if she just remembered. She opened the door a bit wider, letting me brush past her and into her place. "I'll go get it," she said before walking toward her room. I followed for a few steps before she whipped around and looked at me like I was crazy.
"I said that I'll go get it," she said. "My bad. Damn," I put my hands up in defense. She went into her room and came back with my book in hand. "Thanks," I said. "Mhm," she nodded before opening the front door, indicating that she wanted me to leave..
I drummed my fingertips against the hard cover of my textbook while beginning to leave. "Ask her. Just ask her," my thoughts went crazy.
I finally turned around and faced her. "Lisa.. Why have you been avoiding me?" I looked into her eyes. "Chris, no one's been avoi--." "I'm not stupid, L," I said. She looked down while twiddling her fingers. "Why have you been avoiding me?" I stepped closer toward her. "It's complicated," she mumbled. "It's complicated, huh? What we did the other day didn't seem complicated at all, did it?" I stared into her eyes. "Chris, don't throw that in my face," she finally looked at me. "I'm not throwing shit in your face," I replied.. "Yes, you are," she teared up. I stared at her for several moments as she tried to pull herself together. "What we did.. was a mistake," she whispered. My eyebrows furrowed at the words as my face twisted up. "A mistake?" I questioned. "Yes! It was a mistake!" tears glided down her cheeks. I chuckled. "Baby, why are you saying this? We knew what we were doing. We knew what we wanted to happen," I took her hand into both of mine.
"Don't touch me," she snatched herself away from me. "Yo, I don't see what the problem i--." "I don't love you, Chris! I don't!" she shouted. My heart sunk the way an anchor does in the sea. My ego had been tarnished as an ill feeling washed over me the way water does in a shower. I closed my eyes with my eyebrows furrowed as I tried to figure out if I heard correctly..
"I'm sorry if I led you on..." she continued to talk, but all that was circulating my mind were her 'I don't love you's and Harmony's 'ask her how she really feel's.
"So.. So, what exactly do you feel for me? How do you feel about me?" I finally looked at her. "Chris--." "Just answer the goddamned question," I struggled, floundered, labored to keep my cool and not go completely crazy. "You're.. You're a good friend," she touched my shoulder. I nearly lost my shit right then and there. Her hand removed itself from me after she realized that I didn't care much for her touching me while I'm this upset. "I'm a good fucking friend... I'm a good fucking friend!" I began chuckling.
She stared at me as my chuckling progressed sporatically into hysterical laughter. "That's so fucking funny, right? Why aren't you laughing? Playing with someone's heart is hilarious, right?" I chuckled. "Chris, stop," she had a completely straight face. "No, baby. You have to wait for the punchline. Guess what it is," I said before nearly cackling and falling on the floor. "You give up? Baby, you're going to lose it when you hear it."
"Stop, Chris," she demanded. "I'm still in love with you. I cut off all my hoes, told everybody about you, told my pops that I was going to introduce you to him, lost hours of sleep thinking about you, and I even bought some shit for you that you have yet to receive, but-but guess what? I'm just a good friend!" I laughed for a bit longer before her eyes watered. "I'm a damn good friend too for laying the pipe for you, baby. Don't you think?" I smirked as she looked down.
"I'm sorry if I upset y--." "Go fuck yourself, Lisa," I said before beginning to walk away. I eventually halted after several moments and faced her. "Thanks for my textbook, by the way," I lastly stated before leaving the premises.
I didn't sleep that night or the next... Or the next... or the next...