Four hours and thirty-six minutes.
Five hours and eighteen minutes.
Six hours and four minutes.
Six hours and fifty-five minutes.
That's how long it's been since everything came crashing down.
As soon as the clock strikes 7, I get up not being able to lay down still anymore. I realize I am not in my room. Pulling myself up from the floor of Tori and Liz's room where I eventually ended up last night, I tip-toe out. Closing the door, I somehow slowly get myself downstairs to the guest bedroom where I was supposed to stay last night. As soon as I entered, I spotted the reason why I ended up in my sister's bedroom last night. There on the bed are the letters scattered all over it, portraying a murder scene, except the body is invisible because it is my sanity, my past, me.
It is too early for anyone to be up, especially cause it's a Sunday and it's just 7 in the morning. I am not a religious person but today, I wish I used to go to church to ask why. I need answers and I don't think my brain can provide them. Tori maybe but she is asleep, exhausted from what unfolded last night. I should be too. I should be asleep, tired. Yet right now all I feel is numb, betrayed, and full of questions. And the biggest of them being the why. The why of it all broke me.
The letters strewn across this new bed in the guest room portrays my existence right now. Scattered, strewn and unknown. As I take in their existence once again, the sadness overtakes me. Bubbling up from within me, making me want to heave. I rush to the nearest bathroom to try to puke it out. Nothing but air comes out, after all, I am not sick. Not really. I am just drained, void of emotions, and food. After all, this is exactly how I reacted first when I found the letters last night.
Charlie, my dear friend, pointed out a Pandora's box hidden, forgotten underneath my bed. The parcel, package, box, gift, or the bane of my existence. As soon as I opened it, everything came undone. All the things I believed I knew, shattered. All the things that made me keep secrets, and keep my past close to the thing beating inside my rib cage are now proven to be a lie. The reasonings I had for them I mean. The white paper note sticking out, peeking from underneath the bed as visible from here. Washing my face, I return to the guest room once again to try to understand. Just why. The note that changed everything.
'Found this in Mr. and Mrs. Monroe's room, thought you might want it.' Handwritten neatly and put on top of the enveloped letters, which were nicely arranged in a stack dated from the recent to the oldest. I crumble it and throw it across the room as I drop on the bed, picking up the nearest letter.
Dear Kris,
Happy Birthday. Sweet 16 munchkin. Wish I was there to celebrate with you. Anyway, here is another picture of your freshly updated room here. You are always welcome to visit.
Love Tori.
I pick up the photo of the room, smiling as I glide my fingers across it. My room. The very same room I have been staying in since I came to live with Tori. I assumed it was a guest room at first but Alex said something, hinting it to be my room. And now this proves it. Except, I did not know it. And now that room is locked because it has paint fumes and I cannot stay there. Well, at least for a few days.
Pandora's box had many letters from Tori to me, over the years. She wrote to me, at first every week, then every month and continued it for twelve fucking years. The same twelve years we were separated. And I had no idea. I didn't know Tori even remembered me much less that she wrote to me. How did they think that I would never find out? Mom and Dad were really something. I cannot even fathom they would do such a thing. How could they? They forgot their own daughter, made her disappear and told the world she did not exist and the one person who remembered her made her hate said daughter. Why would they do such a cruel act? How could they? Didn't they love Tori at all? Didn't they love me enough to let me know about my sister, the one who vanished, drove off, one day and never looked back? Little did I know, she did and did so often. Except I didn't know. I was kept away from finding the truth. Why? Just why?
As the tears inevitably fall from my eyes, I rush to gather the letters, thrown all over the bed. To read them again, to make sense of it all. The letters are of different sizes. Sometimes Tori sent me a 2 paged one and sometimes just a small paragraph one like the one she sent on my 16th birthday. The very same one I had recently before the accident. The only one where I did not wish for Tori to come back for the first time since she left. The only time I did not wish for it was when I got it, almost within two weeks of my birthday, under very different circumstances than I could have ever predicted or wished for. But I did nonetheless. Their plan to keep us sisters separated failed. It took only their death to bring us back to each other like we were destined to be. Sisters by blood and love.
Tori did not forget about me, as I used to believe. She did not just leave me behind, she tried everything she could to get me, to meet me, to see me. When nothing worked she resorted to writing to me just to let me know how she was. I suppose she realized that once she never got any reply that either I am not getting her letters or that I am mad. But nothing deterred her from writing to me. The first ones included promises to come see me at school or at the park. Little did she know no one took me to the park anymore. I did return to the park when I was old enough to walk there by myself, which happened after I turned 6. Mom never cared that I left the house alone and walked there all by myself. And Dad well he was not really around that time. He was busy with his business, and fixing things so I went to the park alone. The good thing was I had my friends there. Tori apparently tried to come to the house too, but was stopped. I do not know by whom as she has not mentioned that in the letters. Then I grew and started going to a real school, and she lost me. She tried again to get my custody after she turned 18 but of course, she could not. She was an 18-year-old college student with no real home or source of income. And she knew that she would not win in court if she fought for me because after all there is no proof that I was abused by my parents or ill-treated in any way. To the outside world, they loved me, and adored me, their only daughter. But only I know what the reality was. In all honesty do I even really know though? I think I am learning that the way they showed me love is not at all what love means.
All these letters, these words, these emotions they show only one truth. The raw, gut-wrenching truth is that whatever I thought I knew or believed were lies. Everything was a lie. And now, I am reeling as to how to behave. I do not know anything anymore. I am broken, more than I ever was. I do not know how to be me if everything I believed was nothing but a lie, a fabrication of reality. Then what is the truth? Who am I? Who is Kristina Monroe? In reality, I am nothing but the sum of lies that I have been fed over the years. So how do I untangle myself from this web of lies that defines my existence?
I fall back on the bed, with the letters falling over me. I stare at the ceiling remembering yesterday. It was just yesterday, a nice Saturday that I invited Charlie over here to help me paint my room. It was just yesterday that I felt happy, and relaxed and realized I was slowly becoming part of Tori's house, this town. Then Charlie pointed to the forgotten thing underneath my bed, accidentally kicked there and all hell broke loose. Well, not instantly. We painted all of my room except one wall which I want to paint blue and design with clouds or wanted to before anyways. Tori then invited Charlie, Amy and Tim for dinner but Amy said that they had to go as Tim had something today. Not sure what, I cannot remember for I was too focused on the fact that how could I forget getting that package? Also, Charlie. Something about yesterday was different. Something changed between us. I suppose since Friday night when she may or may not have invited me to a date slash hang. It changed something between us and I know she knows it too. And yesternight when she stayed for dinner after Tori invited her, making her fumble with words and lose her balance. It was a show seeing her dying of embarrassment afterwards. I have seen people fawn over Liz at school but seeing my friend fawn over my sister is something else entirely. It kind of made me jealous, and I did not like it one bit.
After an entertaining dinner, Charlie left, bidding us bye for the weekend. She told me that she would not be going to the hangout this weekend as she has a lot of homework to catch up on but asked me to text her if I need help with Algebra. I knew she was teasing me but at the time, I all but jumped at her offer. After all, she explains thighs very nicely. I remember laughing with Tori and Liz at how awkward Charlie was being. They both teased me about Charlie too for some reason, but I did not understand why. Then I came to the guest room and unfortunately had the bright idea of opening the package. I did debate as to who the sender could be but I became intrigued of what its possible contents could be more. So, I opened it and out came all the secrets in a neatly folded, white enveloped fashion. Some envelopes were opened, and some untouched. Yet it contained the exact same thing. A letter from Tori to me. Addressed to Kristina, yet I never got to see them. It still baffles me to think about the level of cruelty my parents showed.
"Kiss!" Alex's soft voice breaks me from the reverie. I lift my head up slowly to see her look at me weirdly. I jerk my head towards her, urging her to come to me. She does not wait a second before sprinting to me. Lifting herself up on the bed, she lies her head on my chest. "Are you sad, Kiss?" I shake my head. "Why are you crying then?" I shake my head again, making her giggle.
Alex then takes my hand and pulls me up, well tries to, as I sit up. She keeps pulling me, so I let her take me wherever she wants to. Not noticing where till we stumble on the door, I realize she is taking me to the backyard. Opening the door I step out in the garden. A very beautiful place. Green, serene unlike my brain now. It is muddled with negative thoughts. Well not negative, per se, more like questioning everything and actually being happy for my parents' accident. So, in a sense, it is as that is not something I should ever be happy about. Even though they were cruel. Alex runs out, chasing the butterfly around. I let her, as I continue to watch her. Innocently playing around. Enjoying Sunday, enjoying being 5. Life seems so pure and good when I see it through Alex's eyes. I realize I want that. I want a redo of mine.
"Come on Kiss." Alex beacons me loudly. Smiling, I step outside on the grass walking towards my niece who captured my heart and settled in somehow. When did she steal my heart and make me want to give her everything she wanted? I did not realize. I just know that at this moment, I want Alex to have all the joys of childhood, I wish she gets to experience all the innocent moments that remain etched into your memory forever. Things I never got to experience. I want her to have it.
"You are making a silly face, Kiss. Come, see the butterfly. It's so pretty."
"It is indeed, Kid." I ruffle Alex's hair as she giggles.
"Kiss!" Another voice screams and runs to me. I turn in time for James' small body to collide with my legs.
"What's up little dude? How'd you get down?" I ask as he just giggles. Alex gives him a hug and he in turn gives her a sloppy, saliva-filled kiss. That made me laugh as Alex continued to wipe her cheek of the excess saliva left courtesy of her brother. Both siblings then pull me in the opposite direction. One to show me the pretty butterfly other to show me lord only knows what.
I snatch my hands away so as not to get torn by them both. They both look at me with wide eyes but soon turn into giggles. Hearing them I start smiling too even though I know I am still crying.
"Good morning Kris. When did you leave?" Tori asks, coming up behind me.
"Morning Tori. I left around 7." I tell her before turning to see her. She looks exactly how I feel. Dishevelled hair, red eyes. You can see that a storm had been endured. The only thing is how did we fare? Is it past or is it just the beginning? For me this seems to be just the start of finding out how wrong I was all these years. About... well everything. I just know that soon when we talk and not just asking Tori about the letters, but talk, really talk. I just know that everything I once knew will crash and burn leaving me in a dust of ashes. I just hoped there would be enough pieces left to glue me back together otherwise I might as well disappear in the storm.