A/N: The theme song for this chapter is Let Somebody Go by Coldplay and Selena Gomez. Sorry, I don't make the rules ;)
Obi-Wan sorted everything out for Adhara for her time away from him and Master Skywalker and Ahsoka. She was, of course, immensely grateful.
So why did it feel like her heart was breaking?
Obi-Wan wrapped her in a fleeting hug the morning he was to depart, while Anakin, Rex, Adhara, and the other clone troopers were to leave to Umbara.
"Do you think it's wise to send me off with Master Skywalker?" Adhara asked him.
Obi-Wan grimaced. "Would you think less of me if I wanted to separate you and Ahsoka as soon as possible?"
Now Adhara was the one grimacing. "Not at all, Master."
"I am planning for you to work with other Jedi asides from Anakin and myself, but this was the best way I could separate you two on such short notice. But I've spoken to Master Secura, and she's agreed to have you shadow her for a couple of weeks once you get back."
Adhara nodded, a smile pulling across her face - perhaps the first one in days. It would be nice to finally shadow a female Jedi. "And what about the Force Cloak? How do I master that?"
Obi-Wan began walking, and Adhara fell into step beside him. "It'll be tricky," he admitted. "You have to understand, you're the only one we know of with this ability. Try to focus on doing it again in Umbara and while training with Master Secura. If you can get a hold of it by yourself, that's great. If not, Master Yoda has agreed to help you master it."
"How long do you think this will take?"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "It's hard to say. Two months, maybe three." His gaze sharpened as he looked at Adhara, at how she wrung her hands in front of her. Adhara was the one who was half Echani, but Obi-Wan seemed able to read her just as well as anyone from Eshan. "Do you think that will be enough time?"
"I hope so," Adhara muttered, her heart twisting inside of her.
********
"What do you mean, you're leaving?" Ahsoka snapped as Adhara shoved clothes in her bag. Adhara's eyelids flickered shut, and she forced herself to inhale through her nose, even though her legs trembled.
Somehow she had blinded herself so well to how Ahsoka made her feel, because now she was only a few feet away and it was sending Adhara into disarray. Her whole body felt like coming undone.
She had refused to look at her emotions for Ahsoka, but now that she'd seen, she couldn't look away.
Perhaps that's why her heart felt like it was splintering, lodging shards into her lungs and her throat and her soul.
She'd wanted to leave without seeing Ahsoka, to make it hurt less, but of course it couldn't happen that way. the Galaxy was spiteful, it seemed, because for whatever reason it was finally getting it's petty revenge on her.
Adhara couldn't look at Ahsoka as she continued packing. "I have been Master Kenobi's apprentice for some time, and I have learned a lot from both him and Master Skywalker. Now he thinks it's time I learned from another Jedi Master for a while."
"But you're leaving with Master Skywalker."
"Yes, because Master Kenobi asked him to take me. But as soon as I get back from Umbara, I'll be working with Master Secura and maybe Master Yoda."
Ahsoka exhaled hard through her nose. "I don't want you to go."
"Oh come on," Adhara said, shooting daggers at the Togruta with her eyes. "It's not like you have never gone and trained with another Master, Ahsoka."
"Yes, but never for weeks on end!"
"Ahsoka." Adhara's voice was hard, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force her voice to remain steady when everything inside of her was surely breaking. "Just...stop. Please."
There was silence, but Adhara could sense Ahsoka hovering behind her like a wraith. When she spoke, her voice was low.
"A few weeks without you feels like a lifetime, Addie."
Adhara sat down on her bed, polishing the metal of her sabers. Doing anything to not have to look at Ahsoka. Obi-Wan's words came back to her, as strong as the Force, slamming into her mind.
I know its hard and it hurts, but it is not meant to be easy. If it was supposed to be easy, anyone could be a Jedi. And you are not anyone.
Could she steel herself, against Ahsoka? Could she drown these feelings she had been avoiding for so long because even though she knew it was forbidden but she didn't want to stop feeling Ahsoka in her soul?
Who was she, without Ahsoka?
"You went 5 years without me before I came to the Temple," Adhara said. "Another year as a padawan without me."
You left me. Now it's my turn to leave you, if only for a month. For a moment.
If only to change everything.
"That was different and you know it."
Adhara didn't answer, didn't say anything, just continued polishing her lightsabers. Maybe if she didn't acknowledge Ahsoka, she would leave, and Adhara's departure would be quick and painless.
She knew that was a fools hope. She knew it would always hurt, to walk away from Ahsoka. To have her in arms length and never be able to utter a sound.
Ahsoka opened her mouth, then hesitated, seemingly nervous. Adhara arched a brow, turning to look at the girl.
"What if..." she paused again, worrying her bottom lip. "What if I asked Master Skywalker if I could go with you."
"No." The word seared her throat. It was the final match on a funeral pyre, the landing laser bullet.
Ahsoka paused, her brow furrowing. Not in hurt, but in confusion, Adhara realized with a jolt. Because Ahsoka thought Adhara would never hurt her.
If I am hurting you, Ahsoka, just know I am also hurting myself.
"...No?"
"No."
Now she did sound hurt, her fingers white-knuckling around her own lightsaber. "But...why?"
Adhara exhaled slowly through her nose, swallowing back bile. Trying to force back tears that were rising steadily and she was drowning in them. Drowning in Ahsoka's sea blue eyes, raging like a storm that swept her under over and over again, and every time she broke the surface she was pulled back down with no air.
Walking away from Ahsoka felt like drowning. Like dying. Like putting her own hand into her chest and ripping her heart out.
Purpose over passion. Purpose over everything.
"Ahsoka, I can't stay here. I can't focus on anything or do anything with you here." Her voice broke. "I have to go, and learn about the Force Cloak and how to master it. And I have to go and learn about myself, and who I am."
Now Ahsoka's voice was hard, just like her jaw, clenched tightly. "What is there to learn?"
"I don't know who I am anymore, Ahsoka," Adhara said, and her words wavered and cracked. "I need to find myself, and I can't do that with you around."
"Why?"
"How am I supposed to be a Jedi, when you make me feel everything and I'm supposed to feel nothing?"
Ahsoka stumbled back as if she'd been shot, and Adhara froze in her tracks. Her words echoed in her head, and now her whole body was trembling and it took everything within her to stay standing.
Stupid. So stupid. Somehow she'd gone from trying to move on from Ahsoka to confessing all the feelings she held for her in the depths of her traitorous soul. Feelings she had barely confessed to herself.
Now they floated in the air like poisonous gas, and Adhara knew there was no coming back from it. Knew nothing would ever be the same between her and Ahsoka ever again. Things had never been simple or easy between them but they had always been good.
She cold almost see that crashing and burning now. Could feel complexity easing between them, and even though Ahsoka stood right in front of her, she'd never felt so far away.
This is for the best, Adhara told herself. This is what has to happen, for both of us. For everyone. We are Jedi, and this is our duty. This is our purpose.
But it didn't ease the breaking in her heart. Didn't ease the tightness in her throat, and she wanted to choke out her own soul.
"Addie, I-"
"Don't." Adhara put up her hand to stop Ahsoka, her throat bobbing. Her fingers trembled. Ahsoka's voice was so soft it cracked something fundamental in Adhara, something she didn't know could break, but it was fracturing.
She didn't know she could feel so much before Ahsoka, but that girl... she made Adhara feel everything.
"Whatever you were going to say, don't. I don't want to hear it."
"Please, Adhara."
"No. It'll only make it worse. Don't make this harder than it has to be."
Ahsoka's face twisted. Adhara had seen her this angry before, but never at her. It made tears rush to her eyes again."So you get to say your part and I just have to stay silent?"
"Yes." Adhara slammed the lid of her trunk closed again, spinning around to face Ahsoka. She forced her voice not to quiver.
It was the last of her strength.
"You said everything you needed to say when we were Younglings, and you told me I needed to decide if I wanted to be a Jedi or not. You said it was your destiny, and I realized it was mine, too."
Ahsoka threw her hands up, her brow furrowing. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Don't you see?" Now Adhara's voice was trembling, but she had to made Ahsoka see. Maybe she could live without Ahsoka but to live with her hating her...It was more than Adhara could bear. "I had to make a choice, Ahsoka. Because we are Jedi!"
"Why did you have to make a choice?" Ahsoka's voice was hard, and her eyes were hardening, too, losing their blue gleam and turning to stone. "Just tell me why, Addie."
"Purpose over passion. Purpose over everything."
It was what she'd always told herself, to keep herself strong, but it sounded harsher in the air between them because it didn't sound like those words at all. Instead, it translated in the silence.
Purpose over you, Ahsoka.
It wasn't what Adhara meant - not really. She wanted to tell Ahsoka that if she could, she would hold her close and never let her go. That if she had the option, she would have never ignored the feelings inside of her in the first place. She wanted to say that even if there was worlds and galaxies between them and they could never truly look at one another again, part of Adhara's heart would always belong to Ahsoka. Because Ahsoka had found a place in Adhara's soul, and she didn't think she could ever exist without Ahsoka somewhere inside of her. Because Ahsoka was her home, whether Adhara wanted her to be or not.
But her throat was so tight it felt like she was choking, and maybe it was best she didn't say it anyways. She knew this would make Ahsoka leave, even if it meant she threw Adhara out of her heart, as well.
Sure enough, Ahsoka's face shuttered. Adhara felt a heart-wrenching, bitter relief coating her tongue, even as something more painful twisted inside of her.
"Oh, I see." Her tone was harsh. "Don't let me keep you from your purpose." She turned to walk out of Adhara's room, her shoulders hunched, before throwing her last words over her shoulder. She didn't even look at Adhara as she said them.
"May the Force be with you, Adhara."
The tears that fell from Adhara's eyes were as cold as sea. As ice. As Ahsoka's eyes, ingrained into her memory forever.