This is the only time a chapter of this book will be this long. Its the climax of it all lol. Enjoy 👀
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Angel,
The only thing that disappoints me is that you'd think I would be by you. Your words are harsh, but they're true when you say it may not go the way I want it to. You might not like me, you might not want to give it a try after all, you might not want anything to do with me, but I'm willing to risk it.
Let's meet soon. Whatever you decide to do with me, I'll accept'
~
Jeremiah looked excited to be at the bike trail; and infectiously, it made Angel excited to be here, too. It was their one day off in the week in both gym training and practice. He knew Angel didn't take breaks so this was a nice way of doing something different while getting some cardio in.
They biked through the forest, which most of the time didn't have a man-made trail but was a rough system of maneuvering through rocks, branches and plants. They had tires purposed for the uneven ground, the sinking muddiness by the riverbank, and the harsh, pebbly path that led them to the main blacktop trail for regular visitors.
Angel, although enjoying the beautiful change in scenery, couldn't help but make his way towards Jeremiah's back and the way his shoulder blades moved with the muscles around them. They didn't have their shirts on and sweat was starting to form even with the breeze balancing out the sun over them. It made Jeremiah's brown skin glow golden like morning dew. Running around the track oval, the indoor or outdoor one, made seeing the same square feet an eyesore. The only thing this and the school track had in common was Jeremiah. He, like a thief, stole all his attention every time. It made running at the school track better and made biking on this one feel better.
How could he respond to those letters, completely smitten with someone else?
"Woah, watch out!" Jeremiah put his hand firmly on his sternum, blocking his body from going forward and nearly hitting a large obtusely shaped rock.
Jeremiah had slowed down to ride next to him rather than in front of him, in case he hurt himself. They passed another small bridge by a vast field of lush grass that seemed to go on forever were it not for the skyline of forest at the horizon. Jeremiah pulled to the side, riding over to some trees to sit under their shade. Angel, awoken from his pensive state, went after him and propped his bike on top of his on the trunk.
"What're you thinking about? You nearly died back there"
Droplets of sweat didn't even look like sweat on him. The light reflected on him like a shimmer, making them look more like gems than sweat. It was like the sun was trying to compete with him. Trying to be him. Trying to outshine Jeremiah. One should never stare at the sun, even if that sun is Jeremiah, because eventually, your eyes start to hurt. Angel looked off towards a family: a man, a woman, two kids and a service dog instead.
Angel kept his eyes on the couple to avoid gauging his reaction, sighed and muttered unconfidently, "Someone likes me"
"That's a good thing, isn't it?" Jeremiah rested his arms over his knees, bumping elbows with him. "What's the problem?"
He held his breath, "It's a dude"
"Oh. So...you're straight and don't know how to turn him down?"
"No-no. That's not it...I'm...I'm not straight" He not once has ever admitted that out loud to anyone before, the other unaware of the magnitude of Angel's words.
Jeremiah shifted his body. He never thought Angel would be gay, bisexual, or whatever he was. He thought it was part of Angel's animosity for Garrett in high school, since the asshole would dribble out uncreative gay remarks about the two of them. Angel's love life was a slight mystery, since he never gave anything away. He'd just evade the spotlight and make it about someone else. "Then...you have a partner already?"
"No. I don't"
He furrowed his eyebrows together, confused, "Then what's the problem? You don't like him?"
"I don't know if I'm ready to deal with that. Ain't ever had a..." Angel laid down, not proud enough yet to speak and look his friend head on, "...boyfriend. What if I don't like 'im? I hate turning people down. What if I do? Dating is a lot of work. What if I let him down with, y'know, how I am? I think I'd be difficult to date"
"You don't know that. And you couldn't let anyone down, Angel" The other shook his head, completely disbelieving the idea that someone would possibly skip out on the opportunity to get to know him. Angel had no idea how fortunate he felt to be with him in school again. "Who is it?"
"You already know. It's Carson"
Jeremiah's mouth fell loose, irritation briefly surfacing from his throat, "Carson? Student government douchebag? "
"Y-yeah...?"
"You like him?
Angel rubbed his facedown with one hand, "I don't know. He's good-lookin'? He flirts with me all the time, but he's nice about it"
"He's been flirtin' with you this whole time? How come you didn't tell me? I thought that was just that day"
"I came out for the first time about five minutes ago. That's why"
Jeremiah went silent. He laid down with him on the grass, star struck. This was a lot of information that for a long time he didn't know. Knowing that he was interested in men did something to him.
The wind swept their skin, refreshed them, and blew their hair in the same direction as it, like it was pulling another dandelion or blade of grass. Tree leaves shaking and harmonizing behind the sound of some kids running around took away the silence. Angel felt better for saying it. That he was gay.
Jeremiah rolled over to lay on his side and inched closer to support him. "Is that why you didn't say nothin' in high school?"
"Garrett gave me enough shit. It would've been more pressure than I'm used to" Angel mirrored his actions to face him and picked a wild red clover from the patch of grass between them. "You don't see me any different...?"
"No. Fuck. 'Course not" Jeremiah laughed, waving off a bee trying to determine if it can pollinate Angel's hair. "I'm happy you told me"
He was staring in that icy, dreamlike way that made Angel squirm. Like a scientist analyzing this small, single celled being under a microscope that was him. An organism that didn't know anything about the scientist, or the scientist's thoughts. But the scientist knew everything about the organism. From his insides to his functions. And that's what made Angel feel scared and weak. Did he know? Did he know he was thinking about him at all?
Jeremiah smelled like the grass, the conditioner he sticks in his textured hair and him. His natural musk. It was never off putting to Angel. Even when it was bad, like after practices when they had sweat stains that made their shirts look like they were drenched in rain water. It was oddly endearing. Like when you're with a lover long enough that the gross things just don't seem to phase you.
If he had the ability, his mind would have taken a picture of this moment. It was making him falsely believe for a sliver of a second that Jeremiah could like him back.
Angel didn't know if he was imagining the distance, but he felt him come closer. Close enough to almost feel his breathing. Enough to see the dusky color of his eyes. Enough to feel the warmth of skin radiate onto his own even through the coolness of the shade.
Maybe he was exaggerating. Maybe his feelings for Jeremiah made him seem closer because he wanted him to be closer.
"So, if you've never had a boyfriend" Jeremiah's hand came down to comb Angel's thick hair back as the breeze made it dance into his face. "Does that mean you've never been kissed?"
"No. I haven't" He shrugged, trying to play it off as not a big deal to him, "I know. I'm almost twenty and haven't. It's lame."
"It's not lame. It happens more often than you think. Not even by a girl?"
"My parents wouldn't let me date back in high school since they had me when they were young. I was too shy to try to play straight. I would've felt guilty to play with someone's feelings like that anyway"
Ah, so he was just gay. "What about now?"
Angel looked down at his mouth. He had nicely outlined full lips. The bottom one soft looking and pink at the center from the lack of melanin. His lips tingled, wishing to feel them. "I'm way too old to be told what to do"
Jeremiah's eyes narrowed down on Angel's, lingering too long for normal. Angel could see his black pupils dilate even through the murky dark brownness that surrounded them. There was a dull panic at the back of his head.
"I always wanted to ask you why you didn't have a girlfriend. I was always confused about where we were. Like, were we close enough for me to ask, or was I making you uncomfortable?" Jeremiah's finger was making constellations with Angel's beauty marks. "And I know now, but I don't think it should've stopped you from having a boyfriend"
"I don't expect you to get it, Jeremiah"
"How come?"
"Even if you've witnessed what the team used to say about me, it ain't ever gonna fill that gap between us. You're this collected masterpiece of a straight guy and I'm...whatever I am. And that's okay, but you can't understand"
Jeremiah's nose tapped his and he watched as Angel froze from it. It's hesitant, a tentative movement brought out from a growing mix of emotions that added up to some...unprecedented want to touch Angel. The back of his fingers grazed down his cheek. He'd always liked Angel's eyes. More than his own. They were not exactly brown. His were almost black but Angels were like holding up a jar of honey to the light. And they were angular, making his cheekbones, defined jaw and lips seem sharper. He didn't have a type, not at all, but if he had to have one: it'd be Angel.
"I think I kind of do"
He cupped his cheek and in a reckless, unpremeditated decision, connected their lips.
A random, unexpected second that was long enough to stop the air intake to Angel's lungs. His heart was singing at the feeling of Jeremiah crawling onto his body, shuffling the grass, and laying between his legs. The muscles of their naked chest and abdomen joined together, eliminating space like two puzzle pieces that fit snuggly and perfectly. It was a pretty song ringing through his ribs that started as a slow sonnet, morphed into a choir and became an orchestra. He could feel it blossoming, louder, as Jeremiah's hands maundered down his body.
Jeremiah, embellishing the moment, separated their mouths so he could turn his head and kiss him in every way possible. The other boy took the second of separation and inhaled in a small gasp for air, having held it in like he'd forgotten he needed oxygen. The sound was so cute to him that Jeremiah hummed into him in approval. His lips were even softer than they looked, that as Jeremiah toyed with them tenderly, he resisted the urge to bite them sweetly. Maybe he was getting carried away but everything felt right. Like they were meant to roll around in a giant park, shrouded under these trees, to kiss outrageously in secret. He felt Angel's body shake at the sensation of his teeth nip him and it made his mind travel farther, discovering an excess of things he didn't know he wanted to do to Angel.
The want was overwhelming. He disconnected their mouths, but when he saw the way Angel moved his head forward searching for Jeremiah again with his eyes closed he almost came back down to finish the job. But reason triumphed. They had to stop.
Breathless with half-lidded eyes, underneath Jeremiah's cage of arms, he asked, "Why'd you do that?"
"Um," Jeremiah returned to resting on his backside. He swallowed, stricken with something made of fascination and terror. "I...I don't know"
Silence. A quietness that made even the chirping birds and rustling leaves encircling them sound awkward.
"I'm sorry I did that, Angel. I didn't mean to take advantage. You're telling me all these important things, and I just..." Jeremiah sighed, heavy in remorse and unspoken apologies.
His body went slack. Slumped and disheartened. Angel was so crushed to have made it somewhere in Jeremiah's mind and then so quickly be treated like a mistake.
"It's fine. You don't gotta say nothin' you don't want to say" He sat up swiping off grass on his clothes, mortified. An indignation that he was the one embarrassed. Always the one embarrassed. "Kissing your gay friend? It's fine. It happens. It's not fine that you listened to me come out, said all this shit, kissed me and then apologized for it, but no, it's fine, Jeremiah"
Averting him, not wanting to look at Jeremiah at all, he saw the family had left. There were no others either. An earthly silence. No ticking of other bikers, no kids squealing and running around, or a bird soaring above them reciting a sing-songy monologue. There was nothing to hide behind.
When their eyes did see each other again, Angel's insides twisted up. Jeremiah's expression. It was unnerved. Strained even. He felt self-conscious. Angel had become this amorphous shape to him. He was worried Jeremiah wouldn't know what to do now.
Standing up after Jeremiah, getting ready to leave, he took a glimpse at the spot they were tangled up a minute ago. The spot was just some cavernous, meaningless patch of grass from a forest preserve. And now that it was over, he felt dumb. Them together was destined to evaporate into thin air. Angel was fluent enough in the language of normalcy to move on.
They rode their bikes back to campus. The silence with them.