Shay
The day after the shittiest day of my life, and I'm feeling a tiny fraction more positive about things. Because my impromptu trip to New York City with Penn is on.
Unfortunately for me, driving from my motel in South Bridge to New York meant going north. As in, back towards town. I was nervous as hell on the drive to Penn's place, and when I sat in his driveway with my engine idling, I bit the fuck out of my fingernails in case anybody else was over at Penn and Jax's. I didn't wanna bump into anybody, this day is about space and clarity, so I thanked my lucky stars when Penn emerged from the house on his own. I still haven't bothered replying to anyone, so I fully expected Jax to rush out to my car to hug me and check in. She didn't though, and I guess it's because she knows I'll be in touch when I'm ready. Love that chick.
My tension starts to fade when I drive past the back of the Welcome to North Bridge sign, meaning we're officially out of dodge. By the time I hit the freeway, my lungs feel light and my throat feels less constricted. I can breathe again, thank the lord.
"You wanna tell me what's wrong with you?" Penn grumbles from the passenger seat. We've barely said two words to each other yet, so I knew this was coming. And I don't need to look around at him to know he ain't looking at me. He's so fucking awkward with this kinda thing, and today, that totally works for me.
"This and that." I reply vaguely, gripping the steering wheel just a tad tighter in efforts to keep my cool. "Things just feel a little heavy. What with Scar dropping her complaint and all."
"What's the all?" Penn asks straight off the bat. I frown to myself, eyes still on the road.
"What do you mean?"
"You said dropping her complaint and all. So I'm asking what the all is." He clarifies.
"I don't know exactly." I lie quietly, hating that I'm lying to him. But I have to, it is absolutely necessary. "How are you feeling today? About the Axel stuff?"
"Been better." He grits out, then a loaded wall of silence forms between us as I continue driving. I don't like it, I need to break the wall down.
"Listen, dude, I invited you on this trip because I thought we could both use some time away. Breathing space, thinking space, distance." I point out. "I think forgetting about whatever shit we're dealing with in Maryland is for the best today. That cool with you?"
"It is." He answers after a moments consideration. "I suppose we can shift focus to the shit we're about to deal with in New York. You wanna visit Jess."
It's a statement, not a question. I'll elaborate, though.
"I don't, actually." I inform him. "Just felt like a good distraction technique. Sitting in a room with that woman will completely take our minds off of everything else, right?"
"Bullshit, Shay." He replies quietly. "There's another reason you wanna go see her. Tell me."
I purse my lips and tighten my grip on the wheel. Then I open my mouth and take a few slow, deep breaths. I'm keeping the sex tape from my brother, but I guess there's no reason to be dishonest with him about this. Here goes.
"I didn't know Jess growing up, but Axel did." I remind Penn. "Jess and Joaquin were pretty close. They spent time together, time around Axel. I was never involved obviously, I spent most of my time with the Del Testa family, not the Hawthorne family. Axel's never talked much about his aunt - our mom - I think because he knows I don't wanna hear it. And I respect that. She's no mother of mine, I didn't wanna hear about her, I was totally fine living my life without her, you know?"
"All too well." He replies quietly. Yeah, he's literally the only other person that gets this. He was in the exact same boat as me. Well, almost. He knew nothing about her. I knew her name, knew where she lived, knew she had another son, even met her that one time right before Annette and Tony adopted me. So I guess I knew a lot, but I didn't know her.
"I have no interest in forming any type of relationship with her." I clarify, for the avoidance of doubt. "I ain't gonna sit down with her and cry and hug her, none of that shit. I wanna see her today and I wanna talk to her for one reason and one reason only."
I pause again, allowing myself another burst of deep breathing before I go on.
"I want her to tell me about Axel."
I look around at Penn when he doesn't respond. His eyes are upfront and his eyebrows are furrowed. After what feels like a full minute, he nods his head.
And we don't talk again for the rest of the ride.
*
I pull up in the parking lot outside the Anderson-Sax rehab clinic, New York City. The sky is grey, it's raining lightly and the weather today pretty much mirrors how I'm feeling inside. Miserable, gloomy, dim. I straighten my shoulders as I look up at the huge skyrise building in front of me. Here goes.
Penn and I walk inside and he mumbles something about visitors needing to sign in. Reminds me of visiting A in the prison, fine, can do. Penn's been here once before and he can remember where to go, so I let him lead the way to the elevators.
"Scar's mom Diana is in here too." He says randomly as the elevator starts it's ascent. "She could have checked herself out a long time ago but she chose to stay."
"Mature." I comment. Seems like a good decision for an addict to make. The longer the rehab stint, the better the chance of stability going forward.
"I'm pretty sure she's fucking her sponsor, Marvin." Penn goes on casually, like we weren't just sitting in silence in my car for the past two hours. "She doesn't wanna leave because he'll stop sponsoring her when she does."
"Okay..." I say awkwardly. "Does Scar know?"
"No idea, I never mentioned it. Diana's happy, that's all that matters in Scar's eyes." He says, then he shoves his hands into his pockets and turns away from me slightly, letting me know the conversation is closed. Sure.
The elevator doors ping open when we reach the floor we need to be on, and I follow Penn to a reception desk. He grumbles to the receptionist who then shows us through to a brightly lit games room. Loads of patients are sitting at tables playing board games with each other or their sponsors or their visitors. None of these people are Jess though, I know that within two seconds of scoping the place out.
"She's in the dispensary, she'll be back in a minute." The receptionist smiles brightly while gesturing towards a free table in the corner of the room. There's a chess board on the table. Whatever.
"You ever play?" Penn asks me as we sit down next to each other.
"Yeah, I'm very tactful, you know me." I answer with a small smile. "You?"
"Nope." He reaches for the chess board. "She asked me to play last time I was here, I ignored her. But just in case she tries that crap with you..."
He picks up the game and carelessly dumps it underneath the table, earning a few curious looks from some of the other people in here. He isn't phased of course, and I ain't phased either. We're here for a reason, and it's not to humour our egg donor with pleasant little games of chess.
I look around at the receptionist, who's stopped to talk to a couple sitting at the table just over the way from us. I'm curious about something, so I whistle loudly with my fingers, attracting everyone's attention. It's the receptionist I want though, so when she turns around to see where the noise came from, I wave her over.
"Yo, you said she was in the dispensary. What's she on?" I ask rudely, unsure if this woman is even allowed to tell me that. She raises her eyebrows, startled by my bold question, but she answers it.
"Methadone, 50ml. She's reduced her script significantly since she was admitted, she's making tremendous progress." Reception lady smiles at Penn even though I was the one that talked to her. Interesting. Guess she knows Penn is Jess's son. Yeah, well, offspring number two, right here.
"She's my birth mom too, you can talk to me about her progress." I reply with a bitter-sweet smile. I couldn't care less about the progress Jess is making, I was just interested in whatever drugs they supply her with here. Methadone, why am I not surprised? Mommy always had a taste for opiates.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Reception chick really does look sorry. "I didn't know."
"What? You didn't know a pasty white bitch could give birth to a black chick?" I can hear myself and I know how I sound. Just don't seem to care. "Well, it is a bit of a mystery actually because I didn't know my daddy. Doubt she did either, what with all the anonymous sex and shared needles she enjoyed back in the day. My power of deduction tells me that father dearest must have been a black dude though. At least Jess isn't a racist, right? Guess she's not all bad."
The receptionist gives me the most awkward smile I have ever seen in my life before she backs away quickly, desperate to get away from me. Who could blame her? I'm rude, I'm classless, I have sex with guys on camera for everyone to see. I suck.
But today isn't about my issues.
"Someone's feeling spicy." Penn murmurs from next to me. I look around at him and I swear to god he's holding back a laugh. I smile at him and shrug my shoulders.
"You know I like a little spice." I wink at him.
"We both do. Wonder if we get it from her." Penn comments, his supressed laugh completely gone and his features ice cold as he looks past me towards the door. I turn my head and see her walking in, escorted by some guy. He doesn't come over here with her, he just gestures in our direction, leaving Jess to walk over here on her own.
Her walk of shame doubles as an awesome opportunity for me to check her out, and I hate to admit it but fuck she looks good. Much much better than she looked the last time I saw her. There's colour in her cheeks, her hair looks thicker and healthier than it did before and she's put on weight, a healthy amount of weight. She's wearing sweatpants and a pullover, so unfortunately her arms are covered up. She may look healthier all round, but I'd bet my bike those track marks on her arms are still there. All those years of needles don't just vanish after one year of progress.
She looks surprisingly confident as she pulls up the chair opposite Penn and I at our table. She sits, she clears her throat, then she's looking between the two of us, completely silent like she's waiting for one of us to talk.
Wow, kinda expected a bunch of Shay!? Penn!? My babies together!?!?! Ohmygod, this is amaaaazing bullshit. Smiling, crying, happy happy happy shit. But nope, she looks bored almost.
Well, then.
I lazily slouch back in my chair as she continues eyeing the two of us, then I tear my eyes away from her to look at Penn. He's staring at her, his expression completely unreadable and bored almost, much like our mother's.
I sigh as I sit forward, realising I gotta be the one to start this thing off. This was my idea, after all. I'll break the ice.
"What do you get when you put three Hawthorne's into a room together with a gun?" I ask jokingly, smiling between them like this is all so fucking pleasant. Jess blinks at me, startled. Penn replies like I'd hoped he would.
"Don't know about three, but with four, one's gonna end up dead." He says darkly, never taking his eyes off of Jess. I tip my chin and laugh openly, realising how fucked up that is but not caring at all. He's referencing that lovely time he was in a room with Jess, Axel and Joaquin. Four Hawthorne's, only three made it out alive. Good times.
"If you came here to make cruel jokes about Joaquin's murder, we can end this right now." Jess frowns at her son. "I know you both hate me, I know you both have no interest in my recovery or my life after this, so why are you here? Cut through the crap and get to the point."
"Wow." Penn raises his eyebrows and laughs darkly. "This is a change of tune from our last visit."
"That was a year ago." Jess reminds him. "You sat there scowling at me the entire time. I tried to talk to you, I told you I would answer your questions, I even tried to apologise but you refused to hear me out. You only listened when I told you about her," she pauses to gesture in my direction, "then you stood up and left without a word. What do you want from me now?"
I look around at Penn, smiling at him affectionately because the effort he put into finding me after Jess told him about me will always mean the world to me. He's such an amazing person deep down, even if he has trouble showing it most of the time.
Especially to people like Jess.
"I don't want anything from you, this was Shay's idea." Penn replies, throwing his head back and looking up at the ceiling like he's bored out of his mind. That's my cue.
"This was my idea." I confirm, setting my palms down on the table in front of me and levelling my eyes with Jess' as she shifts her focus to me. "I want you to tell me about Axel."
Jess' eye twitches, then she's looking back at Penn briefly before returning her gaze to me.
"What do you mean?"
"Shit, I gotta bring her up to speed." I mutter to myself, shaking my head and realising that Jess probably doesn't even know Axel's in prison. Last she knew, he'd gotten away from the Radium Room undetected and the only people that knew about his existence were Penn, Jax and Scar.
And little old me, of course.
"A's in jail, SBP." I tell her straight up. Her eyes widen ever so slightly, then she nods her head, letting me know she's listening. "As much as I despise you, I am aware that you cared about my cousin. You cared about him enough to keep your lips sealed about his involvement in the Radium Room, don't worry, Penn's filled me in on all of that. And Penn knows everything there is to know about him now too. So we can skip past the denial and cut to the chase, if that's cool."
I clear my throat, preparing to dive into my questioning, but Jess turns her attention on Penn again.
"I only lied about him to protect him." She says to Penn quickly, allowing some emotion to wash over her features at last. "I didn't see how ratting him out would have benefitted anyone, so I kept quiet. I was glad he got away. He didn't deserve to go down for that shit, Joaquin was punished enough for the both of them."
I raise my eyebrows. Joaquin was punished enough for the both of them? Well, yeah. I wholeheartedly agree. Joaquin got what he deserved, and Axel? Come on, having a front row seat to his father's execution was more than enough punishment for him. I think we could all agree on that.
Or, maybe not.
"He's on remand because of the crimes he's committed." Penn hisses. "If you'd came clean about him in the first place, this shit would be dealt with by now and everyone would have been saved a year's worth of pain. Say you were protecting him all you like, but you don't think about anyone besides yourself. Whatever."
Penn shakes his head then pushes his chair back a little, creating some distance between him, the table, and Jess. I can practically see how much his skin is crawling, just sitting opposite her like this. I can handle it a little better, I guess because I grew up knowing how much of an asshole this woman is and I'm used to it. It's all still a little fresh for my brother, clearly.
"Point is." I command her attention again, eager to stick to the reason I wanted to see her. "Axel's court date is right around the corner now. Things aren't looking too bad for him actually, but... He's hiding something from me. Has been for years."
I narrow my eyes on her, analysing her reaction. She doesn't react though, not at all. She's probably wondering what this has got to do with her and why Penn and I would waste our time and gas coming all this way to see her. Might be a total waste of time, but I know how much time Jess spent around Axel growing up and I'm kinda at the end of my rope with his vague, secretive comments about his first stint in juvie and his past. If anyone can help fill in some of the blanks, it's this bitch.
"Something happened in Chicago before A's first trip to juvie, and it affected him ever since." I go on, speaking slowly to ensure she's fucking listening. "I don't know what and I don't know exactly when. I just know that it's the reason Axel's been so sketchy and distant with me since back then. I think it's the reason he agreed to fuck off to South Bridge with you and Joaquin, in fact. So come on. Gimme something. Lay it all out."
I hold my hands up a little, palms to the sky, inviting her to open the fuck up. And of course, I keep my eyes fixed on her and concentrate on ignoring Penn's presence next to me. He's gotta be curious about this, I haven't mentioned it to him already but he's listening to every word.
I mean, I probably should have mentioned this to him sooner. But the shock effect is gonna work in my favour. We won't talk about anything other than Axel and the court case for the rest of the day, so my mind will be totally occupied, meaning I can't allow myself to think about all the negative shit that's been dominating my thoughts these past couple days. I refuse, and this shit right here is a brilliant distraction.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Shay." Jess replies coldly, raising her chin. "And even if I did, why would I tell you anything? You're no one to me, I never even met you before."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Penn growls, tone low and pissed. I'm cool with what she just said, because she's right. I'm no one to her, she's no one to me, and that's the way I like it.
"It's okay, Penn." I hold a hand up to him, letting him know I can handle this on my own. "She doesn't remember the one time we did meet. I guess she was too drugged up on brown back then."
I see the vague memory flash across Jess' eyes. She does remember, but only just.
"The day Annette bought your silence, right before my adoption?" I jog her memory. "You wanted your money and your drugs, you barely even glanced in my direction the entire time. I'm not surprised you've suppressed the memory, but we can skirt past that. Maybe you don't entirely recall being introduced to me when I was a young girl, but surely you remember carrying me in your womb for nine months? Giving birth to me? Handing me over to social services before the gas and air had even worn off?"
"I'm no mother to you, Shay. That's all I meant." She replies coolly. "Same goes for Penn, of course. You had a good life with Annette, I apologised to Penn for the Radium Room, I said my piece the last time he came here. I don't think we have anything more to talk about."
"See, that's where you're wrong." I raise my voice in annoyance, just a smidge. I check it real quick of course, don't wanna cause a scene. But I lean across the table a little, speaking low and directly toward her. "You owe the both of us for the shitty childhoods we were thrown into, all because of the horrendous life choices you made when you had us. That's on you, bitch. We aren't asking you for anything now, and when we're done here we're gonna walk out of this building and never look back. We'll never darken your door again. But right here, right now, you owe us."
Yeah, maybe I'm letting my emotions over everything that happened yesterday rise to the surface. Just a little bit.
I sit back, glaring at her because god I hate this woman. Suddenly, I wanna get out of here. I've been through a lot lately and I don't think I can take much more. I can't fix things with Drake, I can't make everyone un-see that sex tape, but maybe I can get to the bottom of whatever the hell fucked up my cousin back in Chicago when we were younger. I can't fix everything, but maybe I can fix that. And this asshole's gonna help me.
"I agree." Penn speaks up, and Jess looks around at him. "If you'd told my father about me, I never would have fallen in with the Quantrell's. I wouldn't have any blood on my conscious, I wouldn't be a fucking killer right now. You fucked up my life before it even started, and I want nothing more from you. But Shay does, so tell her what she wants to know."
"I don't know your father." Jess says to me pointedly. "If that's what you're wondering. But Penn's dad was the only rich guy I ever knew, so don't get your hopes up."
"I don't give a fuck about my sperm donor." I grit out. "I give a fuck about my cousin Axel, and you used to too. He's putting on that infuriating smile of his for my benefit and he's acting like everything's okay but I know it isn't, and I wanna know why. It's because of this big secret from his past and I'm sick and tired of being in the dark about it. Tell me what you know, now."
"Listen, you're expecting something that you aren't gonna get, not from me." Jess sighs as she rubs her eye with the back of her hand. "I was a mess back then, I didn't spend much time in Axel's company, I just saw him around the house at Joaquin's place, shit like that. Did I find it weird that he was so willing to ship himself back to juvie to meet Penn just a few months after getting out? Yeah. Was I confused about how willing he was to move to South Bridge with us? Of course. But as for you thinking there's some dark, sinister motive behind all his decisions, I don't know shit."
"There has to be something!" I insist, convinced that she isn't even trying. "It just doesn't add up. Everything was fine until he did his first stint in juvie, he got out, and I thought he'd be determined to put that shit behind him and move forward but he wasn't! He changed, and I know it wasn't because of juvie because Axel can handle that crap. I always blamed it on Hunter having him arrested back then, but he swears he doesn't care about that anymore. He doesn't care about Hunter at all anymore, he doesn't seem to care about fucking anything other than making things right with Penn and Scar. He left me behind in Chicago to move out to South Bridge with you and Joaquin, he barely reached out to me at all after the Radium Room. If it weren't for Penn finding me last year, I doubt Axel would even be a part of my life again now. He changed a long time ago and I want the old Axel back. I want to understand!"
When I end my rant, I realise I'm on my feet with both palms flat on the table, breathing heavily. I don't even remember standing up. Guess I really let my emotions get the best of me there.
"He got his ass thrown into juvie for the first time on his seventeenth birthday, right?" Jess asks thoughtfully, frowning as she tries to recall the dates.
"Yes." I snap as I sit down. "Well, he was arrested a few days before his birthday, he turned seventeen in police custody. Then he was transferred out to Harrisburg."
"He was in Harrisburg at the same time as me and he didn't even know it." Penn comments from the side. I look around at him, nodding my head. Recap: Axel did a few months, he got out, and by that time Joaquin had hatched his idiotic plan to go after Penn. So, Axel committed a petty theft to get himself sent back into Harrisburg. They knew Penn was housed in the segregated hall, so Axel did what he had to do to get there too; to get to know Penn.
"You talked to him then? During his first sentence?" Jess asks Penn. Such a normal, family conversation.
"No, we weren't in the same hall then." Penn mumbles, looking at anything other than Jess. I think talking to her actually causes him physical pain.
"He was pretty cut up then. I visited him with Joaquin one time." Jess informs thoughtfully, like she's thinking back on it. Brand new fucking information to me. I gasp in surprise, I don't even bother hiding it.
"He never told me that." I breathe, shocked and appalled at how much he's kept from me over the years. He didn't let me visit him when he was in Harrisburg. He said he didn't want me stepping foot in a place like that. It was obviously okay for Joaquin and Jess to do it though.
"It wasn't exactly a pleasant visit." Jess says, eyes on the table. "He was in a bad place, even I could see that, high as I was back then. He had a lot of resentment towards Hunter, I didn't know why and I didn't care. But you just said Hunter had him arrested in the first place? Is that true?"
"No, I lie for sport." I grit out sarcastically. "Of course it's fucking true. This is serious. What happened during the visit?"
"Nothing much. Joaquin passed him some weed since he missed his birthday, asked how he was doing. He wasn't up to talking, it was a quick visit." Jess says, shrugging her shoulders like this is totally insignificant. It isn't, not at all. It's confirming my suspicions. Axel's demons lead right back to that first arrest, right before his seventeenth birthday. I need to know everything.
"Why did he get put away then?" I press her. "He never told me back then, and all Hunter would tell me was that he had sex with an underage girl. I found it hard to believe at the time, and now that I know Axel wasn't even seventeen at the time of his arrest, I find it even harder to believe. He was underage himself!"
"Legal age of consent in Illinois is seventeen." Penn chimes in, clarifying what I've just realised. I nod my head rapidly, eyes still on Jess.
"What did he do, Jess?" I push her, starting to feel desperate.
"Joaquin told me he was fucking around with an underage girl." She shrugs her shoulders again, and I curse under my breath because she's telling the truth. "I didn't think about it at the time, that's all I know though, I swear. Hunter having him arrested is interesting though."
Sure fucking is.
"So, Hunter called the cops and reported underage sex, knowing that Axel was sixteen?" Penn asks, unable to mask his interest in what we're talking about. "Sounds like he just wanted to get him put away, bottom line, no real reason required."
"Correct..." I draw the word out venomously.
I've been thinking the exact same thing.
"Is asking Hunter about it an option?" Jess asks casually.
"Already tried that. The only bigger waste of time was coming here to talk to you." I say bitterly, pushing my chair back and getting to my feet. Fuck this.
"Wait!" Jess squeaks quickly when Penn stands up too, following my lead and more than happy to cut this visit short.
We both look down our noses at her, waiting for whatever else she feels she needs to say in this moment.
"There was a young girl." Jess informs, her eyes boring into mine. "Axel spent a lot of time with her on the down low before he went to juvie. I don't know if it's important, it probably isn't, but he was real secretive about her. Maybe she was the problem. The real reason Hunter called the cops. Fuck if I know, but A was real shady about her."
Flashback to the time I hid in Axel's closet when he brought a girl home to his apartment.
"And why the fuck would Hunter have been so upset about Axel sneaking around with some girl?" I demand.
"No idea." Jess offers, completely unhelpfully.
Right, we're so done here.
"By the way, they're gonna be moving you to another facility soon." Penn says casually over his shoulder as we move to walk away from the table. "Based on how this visit's been, I don't wanna pay for your treatment anymore. You can go slum it in some state funded shithole instead of this nice private facility. Bye, Jess."
"Bye, Jess." I mirror Penn's final words to her, knowing that those are the final words.
We walk away together, and she doesn't even bother wishing us goodbye. That's mommy.
"That's not the real reason you don't wanna pay her way anymore, is it?" I whisper to him as we leave the room.
"Of course it isn't." He murmurs in response. "I paid for her to come here because I thought she saved my life in the Radium Room. She didn't, Axel did. She's never done a god damn thing for me, so that's that."
"That's that." I agree with a shrug, and as we walk out the door I'm even tempted to look back over my shoulder at the woman that never cared about her kids, and apparently still doesn't.
What would be the point though? I have no reason to look back, not at her.
Blood don't always run thicker than water, remember.