📍Montecarlo, Monaco
Monday 29 July 2019
I am very worried and upset even if I try not to show it.
Charles is worried about my skipping meals, just taking long walks and long baths in hot water.
I'm finishing preparing because I'm going to go racing, but I have to release the tension before another race week.
My mom, who was warned of what was happening from my brother, advised me to talk to someone, in short, go back to a shrink, I immediately declined the idea of her, I swore I would never set foot in a psychologist again.
I just have to think positive, 1 race is missing and then I'll be on vacation with my beloved boyfriend.
After the training I go home, there is no one.
I go to the French window and go out, I notice someone in the bushes, James.
I quickly return to the house and lock myself in my room.
Another panic attack, the 5th in 3 days.
I sit in the corner of the bedroom at the foot of the big bed (mine and Charlie's) and try to calm down, I can't breathe.
I feel everything muffled around me.
A few minutes, moments pass, and I cannot reassure myself.
The bedroom door opens and my sweaty boyfriend rushes over to me.
He is hugging me and my head is resting on his chest, his heartbeat makes me relax.
<what is wrong with you?>
<he...he..is here>
<who is that he is here?>
<james, he was in the garden, he was behind a bush but now he's gone>
<oh love, you don't have to worry now I'm here and I won't leave you anymore>
The next day I pass him with an idea that keeps spinning in my brain, but if I denounce it, will he walk away from me?
I decide to talk to Charlie and my family about it, he makes me talk to her mother than her, she is grander than us and I see her as a second mom, I trust what she says.
I don't know I'm making the right choice but at least I won't have it closer and I'll stop having nightmares and panic attacks.
📍Nantes Airport
Wednesday 31 July 2019
I went to the judge, before heading to the airport, I got a restraining order of personal freedom against James, it was a very difficult choice but I am happy to have made it.