Concerts suck.
There, I said it.
I know. I know that teenagers, and people in general, are supposed to enjoy concerts. Logically, it sounds like a nice time. Semi-entertaining music, people watching, limited opportunities for conversation. What more could someone ask for?
But the deafening buzzing bass shook the room, vibrations rattling down to my internal organs—flashing lights blinding from the stage—people everywhere—sweaty limbs and dangerous elbows all aflail—body heat of strangers pressed in on me... suffocating me in a swirl of body oder, dizzying cologne, and cigarettes smoke.
It was too loud. Too crowded. Too much.
But it seemed, per usual, I was the only one bothered by any of this. Everyone around me was blissfully happy. Grinning and dancing and enjoying their youth in a way I literally could not comprehend.
Things had really hit their groove after Sirius and I scouted out the bathroom (yes, he really did drag me all the way to that stinky corner of the venue. And yes, the putrid stench will haunt me until my dying breath.) Sirius eventually wandered over to James's side, the two of them resembling brothers in the poor lighting. They were friends and given Sirius's erratic behavior, I shouldn't have expected him to stick around... but it still sort of hurt my feelings that he didn't want to hang out with me... Not that I'd ever give him the satisfaction of knowing that.
The second group arrived by car just after we returned. I couldn't remember all their names, but they were definitely the life of the party (as made evident by their prolific use of fist pumping), eagerly mingling with the existing group.
I wanted to be like them.
I wanted to be like Alice who confidently screamed the wrong lyrics to every song off key. I wanted to be like Lily who laughed her head off, shaking her hips to the beat of the music, making up dance moves as she did so. I wanted to be like James (I know, weird) and possess the confidence to stand in the middle of the crowd as if the concert was in his own living room. Even Remus, who I'd initially labeled as an introvert, seemed to be having a good time, swaying to the music and bobbing his head to the drum beat.
I just wanted to be normal— feel normal, for once in my sad, overdramatic, angsty life.
But that wasn't going to happen. The best I could hope for was to pretend I was normal. To pretend that I was having fun, even though every cell in my body was screaming to run out of the building, through the streets of London and crawl back to safety of my quiet bedroom.
So, I embraced my inner Matty and forced a smile, flinching anytime someone trespassed too far into my personal space, praying it would all be over soon.
And if I'm being honest, this plan sort of worked for a while. I was so focused on blending in and not having a nervous breakdown that I almost had a good time... during the first act, that is.
The second opening act was... unique. I pride myself on having a pretty broad musical taste, but there's only so many out-of-tune rock-clarinet solo's one can listen to without getting a headache. And I wasn't the only one less than impressed. Remus stopped swaying, Sirius disappeared entirely, and at my left, two boys from the second group were having a heated argument about the difference between crocodiles and alligators.
A hand gripped around my arm. I flinched. "Paisley!" A familiar voice shouted in my ear.
I turned and saw Alice's kind round face. "We're going to the toilet!" she said loudly.
"Oh..." I didn't understand why she was telling me this. Maybe she needed directions? "It's just that way—over by the—"
She shook her head with a laugh. "We know where the toilet is!"
A rather enthusiastic organ player began her solo on stage.
"Come on!" She tugged my arm and I almost tripped trying to keep pace with her through the crowd.
"Wait—but I don't need to go to the bathroom—"
"What?" she hollered over her shoulder.
"I said I don't need to use the—"
A harmonica began blaring, completely off key.
"I can't hear you!" she said, elbowing her way past a couple of boys mid-make out session. "Tell me when we get there."
Alice weaved us through the crowd and when we reached the foul smelling bathroom I saw that we were not alone.
"There you are!" said Lily pausing her work on fluffing her hair in front of the dinky mirrors. "We were afraid that racket gave you brain-damage."
"Oh shove off," Alice rolled her eyes and waved Lily off with a rude hand-gesture, shutting the other bathroom stall behind her. "And for the record, if they could just stay on key, I think they might be decent."
The stall next to her opened and Marlene stepped out, snorting a laugh. "A decent means for torture, maybe." As she walked to the sink her eyes landed on me. Her pretty face soured, as if I was the true source of the bathroom's stench. A real confidence booster.
"I'm really glad you could come out tonight, Paisley," Lily said kindly, handing off some red lipstick to Marlene. "I know it sucks now, but it'll get better. Stubby's shows are always like this."
"Benji says he picks bad opening acts to make himself sound better," Alice announced before flushing and rejoing the group.
"The first band wasn't so bad," I said, shrugging. I felt so out of place... I didn't need to use the restroom. Why did Alice insist on taking me? I'd take the horrible music over small talk any day.
"Ha!" Marlene was looking at herself in the mirror. "They were absolute shite. Why do you think all the boys ran off?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "They didn't all run off. Only Sirius and knowing him, he's probably—" Lily stopped herself and shot a look in my direction. "He's probably out smoking."
Alice's head tilted to the side. "I thought he quit?"
"He quit cigarettes." Marlene handed the red lipstick off to Alice. "Not the other stuff. But I saw him talking with Davey when they got here— more likely he's getting drunk."
"This early?" Alice asked incredulously.
"Like I said, the music is shite. Honestly, wish I could join him."
I thought about mentioning that they were both below the drinking age, but I'd somehow lost the ability to speak. I fidgeted with the ends of my hair.
"No way," said Alice uncapping the lipstick. "Even he wouldn't get sloshed this early. Not with the party later."
Party?
"Exactly," Lily said quickly. "Remus was looking ill, they probably went out for some fresh air."
"Well, I don't know where they'd find it," I blurted out. "Outside smelled like cat pee and mold."
Alice laughed loudly, surprising even herself. "Oh shite— Oh Merlin's bollocks—" A thick red line of lipstick streaked across her face. "Don't laugh at me, McKinnon!"
Marls had a hand over her mouth, but it did little to hide her guffaw. "You look like—a circus clown—did your make-up!" she cackled.
"A blind circus clown," I giggled, again doing that thing where I think and talk at the exact same time.
Marlene laughed louder and even Lily was snorting to hide her giggles.
For a moment I worried I'd offended Alice. She stared at herself in the mirror but after a moment her lips quirked. "Frank's afraid of clowns. Maybe I should keep it and see what happens..."
Lily and Marlene wheezed even harder and I couldn't help but join in. Lily managed to reign in her amusement enough to fetch some paper towels. "Let's not traumatize the poor lad, Alice," she smiled, trying to scrub the lipstick away.
As she worked to set Alice's face right, the three of them began chattering away about other traumatizing experiences involving Frank, whom I'd gathered was either Alice's crush or a really awkward boyfriend. But unlike before, they weren't just talking near me, they'd give me some background on stories here and there. "Frank's mother is horrible," Marlene explained in the middle of a tale where Frank had managed to turn his hand into a vultures snapping head his second year. "We call her 'the vulture' because of this ridiculous hat she always wears—"
"And how she picks people apart..." Alice grumbled.
Lily paused her work of scrubbing. Only a faded pink line remained. "She'll come around, Alice. I promise."
"Alice thinks Frank's Mum hates her," Marlene explained again.
"She does hate me!"
I didn't see how anyone could hate Alice. She was one of the kindest people I'd met since moving to England.
Lily quickly assured her that 'the Vulture' hated everyone and to not take it personally, then tactfully changed the subject. "So, Paisley, you're coming to the party later, right?"
My eyes went from her face to Marls's then finally to my own reflection. "I um... I didn't..."
"Potter forgot to invite you, didn't he?" Marls sighed. I expected her to scoff or maybe sneer, but she just looked sort of sorry for me.
"Typical," Lily muttered, scrubbing poor Alice's face more vigorously. "Well, you can go with us."
"I..." I watched my cheeks flush pink beneath the heaps of makeup. I didn't know what to say. Should I tell them that Sirius had invited me, not James, or that I was even more miserably awkward at parties than I was at concerts. But they'd have to know I was awkward by now... and still they invited me. Me. Painfully awkward me. No one ever invited me to parties in America, unless we're counting the ones for Matty's birthdays and the ones Mrs. Hernandez used to randomly throw for her llamas.
I was tempted to convince myself it was only out of pity but then Alice added, "Oh my god, you have to go with us. It's going to be awesome—and we can introduce you to all our other friends! She'd get along great with Dorcas, don't you think, Marls?"
Marls turned to work on her hair even though it was perfect. "Dorcas gets along great with everyone."
"Well I—"
The bathroom door swung open and a tough looking girl with cropped hair, chains for a necklace, and buttons all over her second-hand army jacket walked in. "Is one of you Paisley?" she asked.
All eyes landed on me. My heart raced in panic. "Uh y-yeah," I stammered. "I'm Paisley."
"There's a stalker outside for you," she said.
"A stalker?" Alice said.
"Did they give you a name?" Lily asked the girl at the same time Marlene asked, "What'd they look like?"
"No name. Said you'd be expecting him. Dark hair, bit of a dandy— gives off an off-brand Stubby vibe. I can hex him for you, if you want."
"No!" I yelped. "No, I know him. But thanks."
"He looked annoying. You sure you don't want me to hex him?" she asked.
I started toward the door. "I'm sure. But you'll be the first person I find if I happen to change my mind." I glanced back at Lily, Marlene, and Alice. "I'll see y'all in a bit!"
The punk rocker girl had already wandered off to the stall, but Marlene walked up and touched my arm as I was reaching for the door. "Hey, Potter's a git for not inviting you," she said quietly. "You really should come with us to the party... if you want."
"I'm not really a party person," I admitted, thrown off by her sudden kindness. "But I'll think about it."
Marlene nodded and let me go. Before the door shut behind me, she shouted, "And tell Potter if he tries to pull any dodgy stalkery shite, I'll hex his balls off personally!"
I flushed, but part of me couldn't help but smile at her ferocity.
I wondered if she'd be that protective if she knew the real identity of my stalker.
Sirius was leaned against the grimy wall, twirling his wand in his hands, brows all furrowed as he glanced from the door to me several times. He pointed his wand in the direction I'd come from. "Was—was that Marls?" he asked incredulously.
"Alice and Lily are in there too..." I shrugged. The music was still loud, but far enough away that it was possible to have a semi-normal conversation.
Sirius took a step toward me. His hair looked more ruffled than before. "Why was she threatening James?" He looked around as if James was lurking somewhere.
"Because she thinks he's stalking me. It's a long story." It wasn't really a long story I just wanted to hurry things up before she found out the truth.
He frowned and ran a hand through his hair, looking off to the crowd beyond the swirl of fog.
"Everything okay?" I asked.
"You need to let me know the next time you plan to run off."
"Run off?" I laughed. He was so dramatic. "I went to the bathroom!"
Sirius was not amused. "You've been gone for at least twenty minutes."
I could feel the annoyance rising within me. "Why does it even matter to you? You've ignored me ever since the concert started! And I didn't see you give me any notice before you 'ran off' to get drunk or whatever it was you were doing—"
"Drunk?" Sirius shoved his wand in his pocket and looked thoroughly exasperated. He ran his hands through his hair and looked away, as if to steady himself. "Why do you have to make everything so damn difficult?"
"It's one of my many useless talents."
He turned back to face me but didn't say anything.
I flushed under his intense gaze and looked over his shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me about the party?"
"Because it's stupid."
"The girls invited me. They said it would be fun..."
"You won't like it," he said instantly.
The audacity of this boy... "You don't even know me! For all you know I'm a regular party animal!"
"I know enough." He took a step closer.
I inched back, still trying to keep the defiant look in my eyes.
He leaned closer. "Those parties are just an excuse for everyone to get drunk and high and snog or shag whoever they want... Forgive me, but I didn't think that was quite your scene."
"I..." I hated it when he was right. "It's still rude to not give me a choice in the matter."
He raised an eyebrow, lips quirking into a slight smirk. "Well, I'm an arsehole, what else did you expect?"
I crossed my arms with a huff and leaned against the wall. It was sticky against the exposed skin of my back. I quickly thought better and straightened.
"Stop pouting," He patted the top of my head like I was a little kid. I swatted him away. "If you want to go the damn party that bad, I'll take you... but I reserve the privilege of saying 'I told you so' when you come to your sense."
"Why do you have to be annoying even when you're being nice?" I grumbled.
He laughed. "It's one of my many useless talents."
I shoved his arm softly, smiling a little, despite my annoyance. It only made him laugh more.
"Hey," he said after a moment, ruffling his hair. "I wasn't—I wasn't ignoring you earlier."
"You were with James the whole time then disappeared..." I said watching the harmonica player on stage fumble the instrument and have to pick it up off the floor.
"It didn't have anything to do with you...I—" Sirius took a breath and looked as if he was wrestling within himself. "I don't like crowds," he said almost too quietly for me to hear him.
My mind flashed with the memory of him flinching away from me at the old bookstore.
"James knows and doesn't make it a big deal," he continued. "But I had to get some air."
I'd thought he was being distant because he didn't want to be around me, because he preferred to be with his friends than with the weird girl he made the mistake of inviting, when in reality he was probably just as anxious as I was.
"I don't like them either," I said.
His head perked up, brows furrowed, looking for a lie. "You looked like you were having a nice time."
"I also look like I don't have freckles," I scoffed.
Sirius's eyes flickered over my face for a fraction of a second longer than necessary, then his mouth broke out into a crooked grin, grey eyes alight. "C'mon," he said grabbing my hand. "I have an idea."
He didn't wait for a reply, already trudging to the back of the venue. What was with everyone feeling the need to drag me places? "Wait! Sirius where are we going?"
He flashed a smile over his shoulder, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "Can't tell. It's a secret."
Maybe it was the light, but for a moment he looked like a mischievous little kid. And that's what it felt like, like we were just two little kids going on an adventure.
Sirius led us through the few stragglers in the back of the venue, then ducked under a velvet rope, that blocked a dark hidden staircase. He held it up for me to do the same. Before we began our climb, I gave one last glance back the direction we came, praying we wouldn't get in trouble.
A blond girl stepping out from the bathroom stared at us from across the crowd.
Sirius tugged on my hand. "Hurry up, Higgs!"
I turned my back on her and followed after him.