Zayn never said anything to me about what happened in the field and I wasn't sure if he had actually felt me get slightly aroused or not, but based on how he reacted and how he got off of me so abruptly I assumed that he did.
When Zayn and I got back to the shed and put the quads away there was that awkward, heavy tension between us again and internally I just wanted to die from embarrassment.
What made it even worse was that he claimed he was getting a headache and retired to his bedroom for the night, which left me alone and mentally cursing myself out.
Why did I have to be such a perpetually horny teenager with raging hormones?
I called Nick when I got back to the guest house and told him what happened, to which he then proceeded making fun of me for an hour.
"Okay well maybe he's not into it then. So why don't you just hit up a gay club or make a Grindr profile while you're there? Just take the plunge with some random guy instead if you're that curious."
And I thought about it to be honest, but I didn't want to go alone and I wasn't sure if I felt comfortable enough for my first experience with someone random. And even though it was pretty obvious Zayn was probably weirded out by me now, I still couldn't help but like him anyway and I decided having an unrequited crush on someone was definitely not my favorite feeling.
I had stayed in that night and watched way too much television to try and distract me from my thoughts but at the same time I continued checking my phone every five minutes to see if Zayn was ever going to text me, but he didn't.
Zayn also left the following day to go on a trip with the National Italian Arts Club that neither he or anyone else mentioned to me until I saw him getting in an Uber with a suitcase and found out about it. He was setting off to Rome for 5 days to study art, so that meant I had to go all week without seeing him, which was disappointing.
So I started hanging out with Adrienne.
She was exactly the type of girl from school that I'd probably have a one month fling with. I thought that she was attractive, humorous, spontaneous, talkative and rather forward with her thoughts and that was usually my go-to type of girl.
But I couldn't bring myself to do anything physical with her and it was so typically unlike me.
We went swimming after family dinner every night and we talked about life and how she coincidentally stopped seeing Luca because she decided he was boring. And we discussed what it was like growing up in Italy and talked shit about our deadbeat dads; and I also learned something about Zayn's. I actually didn't know a whole lot about him and it's probably because I never asked, but Zayn didn't have a good relationship with his father either.
Adrienne seemed to be in the know with some personal things about his family and told me that Zayn's dad had been verbally and physically abusive and violent towards his mum and sometimes towards him, too. It made me angry when she said it, picturing Zayn as a very young child going through something traumatic like that.
I also hated myself for not knowing and it only made me wish that I had been that much nicer to him all those years. He didn't deserve any of it and it only proved that you never know what people are really going through beneath the surface and it's important to always be kind. So I vowed then and there that night with Adrienne that I would try to be a much kinder person moving forward.
And that was the reason why Tricia left him and married Gio shortly afterward, who was the nicest, most generous man I know and the most amazing stand-in father figure anyone could have, and it was also the reason why Zayn never saw his dad or ever bothered to talk about him.
And I understood.
While I was hanging out with Adrienne I started to realize that I really enjoyed spending time with her, however I didn't feel anything. I just saw her as a friend. But I could tell that she was interested in more than that with me because she kept giving me those playful looks all night and brushed up against me way too many times and I had to keep dodging it as best as I could, just trying my best to play it cool.
Still, I couldn't stop thinking about Zayn and wished that he had been there.
On Wednesday night her and I decided to go out in Florence for dessert and we went to this gelato shop down town called La Carraia. I ordered panna cotta in a cone, which was cooked cream with this subtle hazelnut drizzle and Adrienne went with a small cup of noci di coco, or coconut, and her and I were casually sitting on the curb outside, digging into our sweet treats in the late evening.
And then out of nowhere Adrienne looked over at me after taking a spoonful and just decided to be completely blunt with me. "I like you, Harry."
I froze. I wasn't sure what to say back, so I decided to just pretend like it was innocent even though I knew it wasn't. "I like you too."
"I think you know what I meant," she replied. "But you're not into me in that way, are you?"
I was already scrambling to try and find a way out of having to talk about this without hurting her feelings. I wasn't very good at letting people down.
"Why do you say that?"
"Well...I've been trying to flirt with you obviously for like, a week now but you're pretty much giving me table scraps back so..." she pointed out.
I sighed softly. I really didn't know what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I interested? And why didn't I want to hook up with her at least? She was exactly the kind of girl that I would want to have a summer fling with. And even if I did have a crush on Zayn, it usually wouldn't detour me from having sex with someone at least, especially if it was right there and available. I was 18 for fucks' sake, completely single, and I certainly had urges.
"I'm sorry Adrienne. I think you're so awesome but I think we should just be friends. Please don't take it personally," was all I could muster up to say in return.
I was trying so hard to be polite to her because I just didn't want yet another friendship I had made to become awkward and I didn't want her to be upset with me, either. I wasn't used to this situation before. I never had this particular problem with any of the other girls from my past and I was still friends with many of the ones I used to have a thing with, actually.
Then my phone went off and I looked down at my texts only to see that it was Isabella asking me what I was up to. Adrienne looked down at my phone briefly and shifted her weight as she sat beside me.
"So you're interested in someone else then," she said plainly.
"What?" I shot back
"Isabella?"
"No, not like that - "
"Look Harry...if you're talking to another girl you can just say that, you know. I'm not going to cry myself to sleep or anything. And we can totally be friends, it's fine. I just don't need to be lied to."
"Well we're not really talking," I attempted to explain, but it came out the wrong way.
She snorted under her breath with another spoonful of gelato. "Oh okay I get it. You're just hooking up with her," she assumed.
"We made out once but that's it," I defended.
"It's cool, you do you Harry."
I was really starting to hate that people kept thinking of me in that way, as being the type of guy who was only ever interested in sex, or as they always said: not boyfriend material. That's exactly how people always viewed me and I was starting to understand that it was my fault that this perception of me even existed.
But what if I didn't want to be that guy anymore? What if I had developed such an interest in Zayn recently and the things that I used to like and want just didn't feel quite the same anymore?
Maybe I was changing.
And if I was then I was blaming Zayn for having this annoying hold over me for absolutely no reason at all when nothing was even going to happen between us, clearly, and it was beginning to feel like I was willingly inflicting this weird self torture upon myself.
* * * * *
On Friday night me and Marco went back to Club Vibrazioni and we took Adrienne with us this time. Fortunately she was able to accept the friend zone I had put her in and ceased her flirting with me since our conversation over gelato. And I was grateful for that because I really didn't need anymore drama in my life then there already was.
Marco, Adrienne and I sat at the terrace bar around 11 drinking Godfathers, just chatting shit amongst ourselves. I had on my favorite pair of black jeans with a black button down top this time paired with a tan fedora on my head, and I had kept the top four buttons of my shirt undone ever since Marco suggested it looked sexier that way.
I wasn't planning on scouring for hot girls this time. All I wanted to do was get a little buzzed and dance with my new friends, and if I really had to find some kind of release by the end of the night I'd just go home and jerk off. And maybe it was a bit pathetic.
But over the course of the next hour I came to witness Adrienne and Marco hitting it off and acting quite friendly with each other. I didn't know at first if it was just the alcohol talking, but the two of them were in their own little world and it surprised me because I hadn't seen them interact quite like that before. After my third drink things were becoming sufficiently interesting because I hadn't anticipated on being a third wheel.
But I made the best of it.
We were out there moving like lunatics on the dance floor soon after and I was definitely singing Kylie Minogue at the top of my lungs to some random girl at one point during that moment, who was hysterically laughing at me. Then I suddenly felt two thin arms drape themselves around my waist, spinning me until I was facing a very intoxicated Isabella and she was already dancing all over me in her slinky, canary yellow sleeveless dress.
And I just let her because I didn't know what else to do.
Adrienne kept giving me the eyebrow raise the entire time we were all sweaty and huddled together on the dance floor just bopping and swaying to the electro beats and I just tried to shrug it off like it was nothing, but I knew I was getting drunk and probably falling back into an inherent mindset.
I guess old habits die hard.
We ended up taking a break eventually and the four of us made our way back to the third tier, grabbing a booth under the dim, intimate lighting in the corner of the room next to this artificial paradise silk palm tree. Billowy clouds of smoke hung in the air from the hookahs scattered around as we settled in and Isabella had forcefully placed my arm around her shoulder while Marco returned with another round of drinks.
It was already half passed midnight and I was slowly losing my inhibitions with the next drink that entered my system and I decided to just let Isabella lean into me as we sat there. I looked over across the table and noticed Adrienne and Marco were still making eyes at each other, just like they had been all night, and I was pretty sure they were even holding hands under the table.
"You two look so cute together," Isabella drawled, sipping on her glass of straight vodka this time.
"Haven't you been coworkers for like, the past two years?" I asked, laughing a little. "I mean, where did this even come from?"
"Well he was with his evil ex girlfriend all that time," Adrienne replied with an eye roll.
"Oh come on Adrienne. I didn't think I'd ever have a chance with you. You're like, way out of my league," he quipped back with a wry smile.
"No I'm not. Stop that!" she exclaimed, swatting him in the arm playfully.
I watched Adrienne and Marco fall in love that night. It was crazy. They had this natural chemistry with each other and it was so sudden, like they just instantly clicked once they realized that it existed between them, unknowingly, and it was sort of enchanting to behold. I never really saw that type of dynamic happen very often with people, only ever in some guilty pleasure romantic comedy, but I couldn't help but feel a little jealous.
I wondered if I would ever experience that type of free falling.
In the midst of our buzzing conversation at the table and their affectionate laughs and touches that were becoming too adorable but in a slightly sickening way, I felt my phone go off in my pocket, so I took it out and checked my text messages. It was from Gio.
Harry when you see Zayn tell him to please call me when he gets a chance. Thanks, x
I was so confused by his message. What did he even mean by when I see Zayn? Zayn was still in Rome as far as I knew, and I hadn't spoken to him all week long either. And why wasn't he answering his stepdad? That was the part where I started to feel a bit worried so I instantly clicked the call button and impulsively rang Zayn up to make sure he was okay.
But he didn't answer.
I didn't bother leaving a voicemail and just put my phone away, figuring he'd call Gio back before he called me. My verdant eyes cast a glance across the room behind Adrienne and Marco just then and I froze when I saw the back of a 5'10, bleach blonde haired guy once again and just like before, I immediately thought it was Zayn at first glance. But then I remembered what happened last time and assumed it was probably just that other guy who I had embarrassed myself with before.
But then the guy turned around and I realized that it actually was Zayn this time, and he was already making his way over to our table after spotting us sitting there. Suddenly I felt this heaviness in my chest and I withdrew my arm from around Isabella's shoulder so unbelievably fast and just acted like it was cramping.
"Zayn! You're back! I'm surprised to see you here," Marco stood up immediately and greeted him with a big hug before returning back to his seat and scooting over to make space for Zayn.
"Hey. Yeah, got in a bit early," he replied casually as he sat down and leaned over, smiling to Adrienne next and then he finally looked at me with a subtle head nod, while completely ignoring Isabella.
I had no idea if things were going to be weird between me and Zayn now because of my unfortunate, awkward dick incident the previous weekend and I was embarrassed internally just thinking about it again. I just hoped that maybe he forgot about it or maybe he'd act like it never happened. I decided to just resume normally and prayed for the best.
"Hey, uh, Gio texted me and asked you to call him," I brought up.
"Oh shit. Yeah, I left my phone at the house accidentally. Mind if I borrow yours?" Zayn asked me and I immediately handed him over my phone without hesitating.
He swiftly got up from the booth and made his way across the room to chat while I sat there silently wishing that I could somehow get rid of Isabella now that Zayn was back. It was amazing how rapidly my brain shifted whenever he was around and suddenly nobody else was relevant to me. And I still couldn't believe that he was actually at the fucking club, which was also really strange for him to even be there in the first place.
Zayn returned back to the table within a few minutes and leaned over, handing me back my phone. "Thanks. He just had a question to ask me," he stated vaguely.
I nodded in response, not bothering to ask what it was, but I did decide, however, to make a fairly tipsy attempt at desperately trying to salvage the normal dynamic between me and Zayn because I wasn't about to let what happened ruin everything. It couldn't.
"So I'm shocked to see you here. Am I hallucinating?"
Zayn chuckled. "Maybe, did Isabella slip some acid into your scotch?" he asked, nodding towards her.
Oh thank God he laughed a little. That made me feel better.
"I didn't, but that would have been a great idea," Isabella responded with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Nice fit, by the way Zayn," she added, giving him a one over.
Zayn did look like he stepped out of some Italian runway show, come to think of it. His hair was completely done with some product to look all purposely messy but in the right way, and he was wearing a pretty stylish outfit consisting of a pair of black jeans, no rips, shiny, patent leather loafers that almost looked like they could be Louboutins and a navy blue and white paisley button down shirt that was a bit longer in the back. He also had on this black beaded rosary necklace, another silver chain and a few silver rings on his fingers, one with an emblazoned orange evil eye.
I'm sure if I had asked her to rate Zayn's look on a scale of 1 to 10 he would have been dubbed the standard, while there I was probably still teetering on a 6.5, maybe a 7 due to the addition of a fedora.
But Zayn just responded so simply, as if it was nothing. "Thanks."
"Damn, I would have invited my friend Valentina out tonight if I knew you'd be here," Isabella continued and I noticed from the corner of my eye that Adrienne had shot Zayn a rather perplexed look, as if she knew something that no one else did.
Zayn shrugged. "Oh well, that's alright. Tell her I said what's up."
I really had to keep my inebriated self from laughing out loud during our pow wow at the table because the way that Zayn kept replying to Isabella was so funny to me. He just kept speaking in the absolute most monotone voice there was, even worse than mine, and he really couldn't have seemed any more disinterested in anything she said.
"So how was Rome?" Adrienne asked him.
"It was great. Saw a lot of cool shit; lots of paintings and nude sculptures. Started working on a new piece that's currently sitting in the garage," Zayn answered.
"What were you in Rome for?" Isabella inquired, her hand slowly drifting over towards me under the table and she rested it on top of my thigh.
I could actually feel myself growing uneasy by it, which was the absolute first time that had ever happened to me.
"An art study."
"Oh right, you're an artist. I've seen your painting hanging in the winery. It's beautiful," Isabella went on conversationally.
Zayn still remained flat toned. "Yeah, thanks."
I then paused in my thoughts and it took me a minute to recognize exactly what painting Adrienne was referring to. "Wait, that's your painting in the lobby?" I questioned him and Zayn nodded.
I recalled seeing that piece of art when I first walked into the winery on day one but nobody had ever mentioned that it was Zayn's, not even him. It was this enormous, stunning landscape painting entirely done in oil pastels and it was of their Tuscan vineyard during sunset. I remember really observing it, too, because it was so vibrant and still serene looking; intricately created with the most detail oriented brush strokes and a perfect blend of contrasting colors.
"Ah, to be this handsome and talented should be illegal, I think!" Marco called out and draped an arm around Zayn's shoulder, drawing him in for another one of his notorious squeezes and Zayn remained tight lipped in all of his humble glory.
"I think we need a round of shots," Isabella announced animatedly as she lifted her hand from my thigh and got up from our booth with a burst of energy, heading over to the bar.
"You look like you're having loads of fun," my sarcasm dripped out to match the curving of my lips into a slightly amused smile.
He retorted cynically. "The time of my life I'd say."
"So why come here if you hate it?"
"Eh, I had nothing else to do," Zayn responded casually, leaning his elbows on the table while glancing over at Marco and Adrienne, who were now completely making out and his eyes widened, looking a bit caught off guard.
"So...what's with them?"
I laughed into my drink. "I have no idea. That just kind of happened."
"Well, alright then."
Isabella returned to our table shortly afterward with a tray full of puni alba whiskey shots, but she was tanked, nearly falling over and it honestly looked like she didn't need anymore to drink. She swiftly began handing them out to Adrienne, Marco, Zayn and me and I realized that there were two left, which meant that she was planning on downing both of them.
"Hey, uh...maybe you ought to chill out on the shots after this," I suggested and watched as she rolled her eyes at me.
"Seriously? You took fuckin MDMA with me last weekend...did you not?" she slurred before throwing back both shots of whiskey quickly in the course of our table finishing the first one.
"Okay fine," I muttered, deciding that I didn't feel like arguing with a drunk girl that I had literally only ever partied with one time.
She wasn't going to listen to me anyway.
"Well we're gonna go out dancing again," Adrienne piped in, so Zayn scooted over to let Marco and her exit the table, which then left us three sitting there.
Well, that wasn't awkward or anything.
"So Zayn! I have a really good idea for all of us. I'm going to call Valentina to head over so we can make this a foursome party," Isabella purred, releasing a cheeky smile.
"A...foursome?" he echoed tentatively, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. It'll be really fun," she continued, wiggling her eyebrows as she dug into her clutch purse and whipped out her phone.
I looked over at Zayn and could sense by the strained look on his face that he was so incredibly uncomfortable by this situation and Isabella was just making everything even worse every time she continued to speak. I knew Zayn didn't want to be there and neither did I anymore at that point, so I quickly interjected in an attempt to diffuse the moment.
"I actually have to get going," I spoke out suddenly. "I've got to be up early in the morning...like, at the crack of dawn early. A fuck ton of stuff to do on the vineyard and whatnot."
Isabella paused in her seat and the expression on her face read that she didn't look like she was buying it at all. "I thought you said you always had Saturdays off."
"I, uh..." I started to say, trying to wrack my brain for some lie in the moment.
But Zayn saved my drunk ass. "Well, not tomorrow. I've been gone all week unfortunately so production is a little bit behind for the Sauvignon Blanc and Harry's been asking for over time. You know what, mate? We should both get going, actually. I'll help you out and we can both finish the batch early."
"Great idea. Sorry Isabella. I'll um, I'll hit you up sometime soon," I added with an pseudo apologetic smile and probably lying.
I then left her right at the booth without a second thought as Zayn followed close behind me and I made my way down the steps of the night club quickly, both of us leaving out the front door.
We then started walking together on the sidewalk side by side down the street in Florence and I wasn't exactly sure what it was we were really doing. I had no actual plan. I turned to look at Zayn, who stopped to light up a cigarette on the way and I just stood there, gazing at his magnetic beauty for a long minute as he sparked the flame and I was trying really hard not to stare too much because I didn't want him to notice.
He blew his smoke out into the air and then caught my gaze anyway. Damnit. "So what was all that about?" he inquired as he continued walking through the night and seemingly unbothered by my previously long stare.
"I don't even know. She was wasted and just talking out of her ass."
"No I know that. I mean, why were you so keen on leaving? You could have just turned her down and stayed at the club if you wanted to," he went on.
I shrugged. "I guess I didn't feel like staying anymore."
He peered over at me through the dark and took another drag. "That seems odd for you."
"Yeah well...I'm full of surprises," I tossed back and I heard him laugh quietly to himself and I was grateful to hear it, because I took that as a good sign that we were still cool.
Then I noticed as he lifted his hand up that he had a new tattoo on the one that didn't have the mandalas. I peered down and saw that it read the word love, and it was written in cursive right across the bottom knuckles.
"I never noticed that one before, is it new?" I asked him.
Zayn stopped walking and looked down at his hand, holding it out. "Oh, yeah. I got it in Rome while I was there."
"I like it."
"Thanks. It's in my mum's handwriting," he explained.
I smiled faintly. "That's sweet. I still really want to get one done while I'm here."
"I told you that I'd do it for you for free," Zayn then reminded me as we stopped at the end of the street and it seemed like he didn't know what we were doing either.
I referred back to when he mentioned tattooing me that first day on the vineyard. I was absolutely petrified of the idea of a needle being jabbed into my skin over and over again, and even worse was the concept of someone doing it who wasn't a professional, but now I was starting to reconsider the whole thing because it was Zayn.
And I thought about him being on my skin in any way shape or form, even if it was painful, and I felt just pathetic enough to accept whatever I could get from him. Plus, I decided I trusted Zayn after all. I'd probably even let him tattoo a cock on me if he wanted, especially since I was still kind of drunk and liked him way too much.
"I can't believe I'm saying this right now but fine, let's do it. I'll let you give me a tattoo," I spoke and his eyes widened a little and I could tell that he was completely taken aback.
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
He shifted his weight between his feet and threw his cigarette butt on the ground. "Okay, so when do you want me to do it?"
Of course pitiful old me didn't want to stop hanging out with him and I added impulsivity to the mix because why not? Maybe it would become my Friday night tradition to just do something insane and random.
"Tonight."
"Tonight? Harry, it's like...one in the morning," Zayn responded while laughing a little and kind of looking at me like I was crazy.
I didn't care. "So?"
"Alright...fuck it," he agreed and before I knew it we were speeding back to the Lombardi compound in Zayn's all black Ferrari 458.