This felt like a nightmare.
You had no idea how much time had passed. You spent every minute the same way: laying on the old motel mattress, staring up at the ceiling, feeling completely numb. Vicrul and Ushar came and went, offering you various things or a shoulder to cry on. You could barely even hear them.
Your mind kept going to the image of Kylo walking away from you, his driver's car pulling out of the parking lot and moving down the street, leaving you behind.
Your head was pounding from how hard you'd been crying, from the lack of water and food and sleep that you'd gotten over the last couple of days. The person who always took care of you was gone.
Your thoughts were only interrupted by the feeling of someone grabbing onto your wrists and pulling you up into a seated position. When you sat up fully, you were able to see that Vicrul was across from you on the bed, holding onto your hands.
He looked almost as exhausted as you. His hair that he normally wore pushed back, was dangling in his face and he had a strained look in his eyes. "I know you don't want to eat but I'm forcing you to."
"I can't." You said softly, ignoring the way that your stomach was twisting in hunger.
"You can. Come here." Vicrul said to you in a gentle voice, pulling you in closer to him. You were sitting right beside him now and he put an arm around your shoulders to hold you in place. He reached beside him and put a sandwich into your hands, your favorite kind. Ushar must've picked one up while you had been laying in bed, staring off into space.
You held the food in your hands, making no move to actually bring it up to your mouth.
Vicrul sighed, squeezing your shoulder. "Come on, don't make me feed it to you." He said, humor faintly on his voice though he didn't smile or chuckle like he normally would've. There was nothing funny about this.
You nodded faintly, hesitantly taking a bite of it. Your stomach turned at the feeling of food in your mouth but you forced yourself to swallow it.
The sandwich was a little less than half gone when Ushar walked into the room, using his key to unlock the door before doing so.
"Honeys, I'm home." Ushar said in a sad sing-song voice, the smile not reaching his eyes.
You wanted to laugh at that, you normally would've. But the thought of feeling anything other than the aching pain inside your heart felt so wrong, you couldn't do it. You wanted so badly to go back in time. You would give anything to go back to the night you and the two knights played truth or dare with Kylo, the biggest worry being nervous about Hux finding out. You let them do filthy things with you because you trusted him and afterwards, he held you close to him and praised you all night, telling you what a good job you did.
It was all so simple then, even though it hadn't felt like it at the time.
Suddenly, it really hit you: you were never going to see Kylo again.
You quickly put the food down on Vicrul's lap, where an open napkin was waiting for you. You pushed away from him and rushed to the bathroom, wanting to be alone as you began letting yourself sob again.
You could barely process it but in the back of your mind, you'd been able to hear Ushar ask, "Was it something I said?"
Since Kylo had been in your life, he was always the first person you went to when you were upset. When you were scared you knew you just needed some reassurance from him, maybe a few minutes in his arms. You couldn't get that now. You didn't even know where he was, how he was doing, if he was okay...
You were so lost on your own.
You collapsed against the wall, sliding down into a seated position. You brought your knees up to your chin, face buried in between them as you let the pained cries escape from your chest.
You kept imagining Kylo walking through the door, wishing that it would happen. Maybe he'd announce his arrival like he always did. 'It's daddy". You imagined the way he'd search the room, trying to find you. He'd see you curled up in a little ball on the ground and he'd pick you up and hold you close. He'd tell you to trust him and that he was going to take care of everything...For the time being, he'd take the hurt away.
But that couldn't happen now. Kylo was never coming back to save you.
"Open up." Vicrul's voice called out from the other side of the door, gentle but firm.
You didn't make a move to do so, you just wanted to disappear.
The knob jiggled, Vicrul trying to make his way inside. "Open the door or I'll just kick it down." He said to you with a sigh. He didn't mind knocking the door down but he assumed you might want to keep the privacy for when you actually needed to use it at some point.
"One second." You said to him, wiping your eyes and reaching up to turn the lock on the doorknob before moving back to your spot on the ground. You didn't doubt that he'd break the door down if he had to.
The door quickly swung open, Vicrul moving inside of the tiny bathroom. He looked down at you with a sigh. "Hey. Don't do this. You don't have to sneak away to the bathroom to cry." He told you. He offered you a hand and when you refused to take it, he bent down and easily picked you up, moving you back into the bedroom.
You were too exhausted to argue against it, letting him hold you close.
Vicrul set you down on the center of the bed, your back against the headboard. He joined you at your side, putting a hand on your knee. He glanced over at Ushar who was currently eyeing the rest of your sandwich, wondering if it would be okay if he finished it for you.
When Ushar locked eyes with Vicrul, he sent him a sheepish smile before coming towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it so that he could put his hand on your other knee.
"This sucks." Ushar told you honestly. It was an understatement, that was for sure. But as you stared at him you realized how much he meant it. Ushar was never serious but you could see the sad look in his eyes.
Vicrul and Ushar considered you their close friend. They might work for Kylo but they belonged to you too, they were your knights as well. The two of them weren't sure what they would do knowing they weren't going to have you around telling them to bring you candy or drinks, asking them to help you out. Two lost puppies with their princess gone.
"It sucks." You agreed, wiping your cheeks from the wetness that formed there. Your heart hurt.
The three of you were silent for a while, the only sounds in the room coming from the occasional way you would hiccup or sniffle. They kept their hands on you, large thumbs rubbing soothingly. They weren't sure what to say to you, there wasn't much that they could tell you to comfort you. But at least they were there.
"It was all for nothing,.." You finally said, staring off into the room at nothing in particular.
"What do you mean?" Vicrul asked you gently, relieved to hear you talking even if it was something that was disheartening. It was rare for the three of you to be this quiet when you were together.
"Going to school...Staying with Hux for so long...All the shit Kylo put me through. What was the point? It's like it never happened now," You said, all of this finally dawning on you now that the shock of the situation was wearing away.
Ushar and Vicrul briefly locked eyes, frowns on both of their faces.
"I wasted so much time. I cared about so many things that I shouldn't have." You said, voice cracking as tears welled in your eyes. "I waited too long to be with Kylo. I should've left Hux right away. I should've let myself love him from the beginning. Why did I fight it?" You asked, rambling, spiraling.
It took so long for you to even admit to yourself that you didn't hate Kylo. You used to get angry just seeing his face, how smug and cocky he was as he took over your life. Being in love with him was so much easier, it made you so much happier. You wondered how close the two of you would've been by now if you would've let it happen from the start.
"I just want to go back. I want him back." You admitted in a small voice, your voice breaking off into tears as you did so.
Vicrul wrapped his arms around you and held you close, letting your cry against his chest, your tears soaking through the material of his shirt.
Ushar moved onto the bed so that he was closer to the two of you. He put his hand on your leg, staying close to you as if to hold you as well in his own way.
It was difficult because Vicrul wanted to say the cliche things you always said to someone when they were upset: 'it'll be okay', 'you're going to figure this out', 'this will be over soon'...But he couldn't. None of that applied.
This was it.
"You'll make sure he's okay, right?" You asked, looking down at the bed. "I know that- I know Hux has things planned and Snoke is going to be upset, I just-"
"Kylo can handle himself." Ushar interrupted you, softly. "Don't worry about him."
"But we'll watch out for him." Vicrul added, his chest twisting. Even with how hurt you were, you were still worried about Kylo, still wanting to protect him. It broke Vicrul's heart. This was all so unfair.
"Okay." You said softly, feeling just the tiniest bit of solace in the fact that even if you couldn't be there for Kylo anymore, his knights could be.
For the rest of the day, you spent your time alternating between crying and rambling and attempting to go to sleep. You were so exhausted but every time you closed your eyes, you were reminded of the bad dream you were living in. Vicrul and Ushar sat by your side the entire time, even falling asleep in bed with you.
You woke up the next morning with your face pressed against Vicrul's bicep with Ushar's back pressed against your side. Both of them were snoring softly, in completely separate rhythms.
The sun was barely out but your mind was already spinning, thinking everything over. Every time that you broke through the feeling of numbness, you were reminded of what happened the day before and the sinking feeling your chest would be back.
You thought about what Kylo told you about when he first put the flash drive together for you. It seemed so long ago, the night you got back from saying goodbye to your mom in the hospital.
How had he been able to fall in love with you knowing that one day he was going to make you leave him?
Had there been any signs of it? You tried your hardest to think back despite the throbbing pain in your head.
Of course there was the time he tried to push you away in the shower, right before he went to his own apartment and pulled the strings to get this flash drive together for you:
"That entire trip meant nothing, I could've replaced you with any of my men's girlfriends and it would've been the same exact thing."
You had been so angry at the time at him, upset that he was trying to make you hate him. But the pain you felt now that he was gone...Maybe it would've been for the best if his plan had worked out the way he wanted it to. You hadn't been so deeply in love with him then, you would've been sad for a few weeks then you would've moved on (albeit hesitantly).
But you weren't sure how you'd ever move on now. You spent your whole life feeling like you were underwater. Every emotion you felt was muted and muffled, nothing felt as good or as bad as it should've. You had been merely existing.
Falling in love with Kylo made everything light on fire. You felt everything. It was as if he pulled you out of the water you'd been drowning in and now, he was pushing you back in, leaving you to suffer on your own in the depths, after experiencing how much easier is on the surface.
Your hand instinctively went to your neck where Kylo's gold chain was still resting against your collarbone. You squeezed the metal tightly, swallowing hard as you did so.
You thought now about how much different your life was going to be. You had grown so used to the life of being involved with the mob. The limitless money, connections, excitement...You didn't even know where you were going to go. This time next week you'd be in a brand new city, completely alone...
You frowned as you glanced over to the nightstand beside Vicrul.
The flash drive was sitting on top of it.
Were you ready for answers?
Kylo was sitting in his leather arm chair in his apartment, staring out of his large window in front of him. His eyes were glazed over, puffy and red. There was an almost empty glass of whiskey in his hand, no ice like usual. Beside him, the expensive bottle of the liquor was almost gone as well. He was wearing his clothes from the day before, crumpled and wrinkled now.
His apartment around him looked like a war zone. There were items broken in pieces, furniture turned over, glass shattered on the ground. When he got back to his apartment, he let the situation wash over him. And he handled the intense emotions the only way he knew how, destroying.
You were gone. He left you.
Kylo felt like a shell, nothing inside.
He stood up from his seat with a grunt, stumbling slightly as he did so, honey colored liquid splashing out of his cup and onto the messy floor.
Kylo made his way to his bathroom that was attached to his bedroom. His head was turning from the fact that he had only drank alcohol since getting home without a second of sleep and because of all of the doubts that he had in his mind. He stopped in the doorway, squeezing the glass in his hand. His stomach dropped He had forgotten about that:
The painting you made him hanging on his wall.
You gave him the painting for Christmas and had downplayed it, telling him that it was no big deal and you weren't sure if he'd like it. But it was the first heartfelt gift that Kylo had ever received in his life.
The content of the painting meant a lot to you because you knew the context behind it. The more progress you made on the painting, the more progress you made on your relationship with Kylo. When it was finished, it became clear to you that the depiction of the bloody hand holding a crown symbolized the two of you together.
The painting symbolized something important to him, although it was different from what it meant to you.
To Kylo, it represented your acceptance of who he was. You knew all of the ugly parts of him and his past and the terrible things he did on a daily basis. And still, you loved him. He never thought that would be possible.
Kylo collapsed on the edge of his bed, staring at the frame in front of him, tears pricking at his eyes.
He was never going to find someone like you again. Not only were you the only person who would ever unconditionally love him the way that you had. But Kylo knew that you were the only person he'd ever open up to in the way that he did. You were the only person who Kylo wanted to be in love with.
Being in a relationship with you was his only chance at normalcy, the only chance left that he had to go back to how he felt before he turned to the mob.
You were gone now and so was that dream.
His phone ringing was the only thing that broke him from his thoughts. He jumped slightly, not expecting it. He quickly scrambled to grab it. Kylo's thoughts had already been on you so that was his first assumption, that Vicrul or Ushar was calling him about you.
He was crestfallen as he looked at the screen. It was Snoke.
Kylo's hand shook as his thumb pressed the 'answer' portion of his screen. "Yes?" He asked, surprised at how down and raspy his own voice was as he did so.
"Ren." Snoke said, the smugness evident already in his voice.
Kylo stayed silent, urging him to continue.
"I heard about that girl." Snoke finally said, talking about you.
Even though you were all that Kylo could think about, hearing Snoke mention you made his stomach drop, taking him by surprise. He felt sick. His foot tapped against the floor beneath him anxiously. "Yeah." He said simply.
In Snoke's eyes, you were dead.
"I know you had some sort of attachment to her so I'm sure you need a few days to yourself. But I do have some things for you to do for me when you're ready." Snoke said, always having business on his mind. "And I wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you for handling this the way you did."
Kylo ran a hand through his hair, moving the phone away from his mouth so that he could let out the breath he'd been holding. "You are?" He asked, feigning humbleness.
"I am." Snoke agreed. "It's really a shame that she got caught up in all of that the way that she did but I was very pleased to hear that you 'got rid of everything' before word could get out." He said to him.
Snoke had no idea that Kylo was aware that he was the one who carried out the hit on you. Kylo used that to his advantage, pretending that he thought you had been kidnapped by random people who wanted money from him. Kylo's lie was that when he found you, you were already dead and out of rage, he killed the men who had done the kidnapping. Kylo told Snoke that all the bodies were gone, including yours.
"It wouldn't look good for us if people knew you hadn't been able to protect a little girl, you know?" Snoke added, "It's a lot better for everyone to think here death was an accident. That you couldn't have prevented it."
Kylo's heart twisted. He knew you were alive and safe but knowing that he would have to handle your death in this way if you had actually been killed, really hurt him. "Of course." He said, voice cold and emotionless.
Kylo let that statement linger in his mind. He hadn't even been able to protect a little girl.
"I do hope that you and Hux will learn to tolerate each other moving forward now that she isn't hanging around." Snoke said, disgusts faintly in his voice as he thought over how much a woman had affected his two top men.
Kylo grunted in response. He'd never tolerate Hux and he knew the feeling was mutual.
"Speaking of Hux, I talked with him this morning. That apartment that the girl was staying in, in your building, he's clearing that out tomorrow morning. He's putting it up for sale. I would suggest you make sure you haven't left anything behind." Snoke said to him.
Snoke didn't exactly know that extent of Kylo's relationship with you. He didn't know how many incriminating things he could've left behind in your apartment. It was important he took care of that.
Kylo thought about the fact that someone else would be living in your apartment...All of your belongings would be gone. What was Hux planning to do with them? He took a long sip of the whiskey in his hand, feeling sick.
"Good idea." He muttered, trying his best not to sound as hopeless as he felt.
There were a few beats of silence from both ends of the call.
"I'll let you take care of that." Snoke finally said, "Oh, and Ren?"
"Hm?" Kylo asked softly, mind in a million different places.
"Welcome back to the family."
You carefully slid out of bed, making sure not to disturb the snoring men on either side of you. You shuffled over to the nightstand, taking the flash drive off of it. It was practically burning the skin of your hand, the weight of what was on it landing heavily in your palm.
You grabbed the laptop that Kylo left for you, that had been sitting inside of Vicrul's book bag and you made your way into the bathroom.
You locked the door behind you and crawled onto the counter, near the sink with the computer in your lap.
You took a deep breath as you pressed the power button, watching the screen come to life. You weren't sure if you were ready for this. Looking at your new identity that was on the flash drive would be the thing that made all of this seem so real. The final piece of the puzzle that would shatter your denial.
After the laptop came to life, your hand cautiously went to the flash drive that was sitting beside you on the dull colored countertop. You stared at the black and red piece of metal and plastic, turning it over in the light. This stupid little thing had caused you so much stress. And now it was going to change your life.
You plugged it into the correct port, frowning as files began to load. They were named things such as 'ID' and 'Birth certificate'. You focused on one in particular: 'OPEN FIRST'.
Clicking on the file pulled up a pop-up window that asked for a password.
Password? He'd never given you one.
Your fingers hovered over the keys, frown deepening.
Then, you typed in the password to your phone, just feeling the instinctive need to do so since that was what you always did when logging into your own device.
Unlocked.
The flash drive really was made for you all along.
The file opened now that the lock was broken from it and a word document flooded the screen. It read:
Princess,
If you're reading this, it means I'm already gone or maybe it means that you're already gone. Either way, wherever I am, I already miss you.
This isn't easy for me to write so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to read and live through. I truly mean it when I say that I am so sorry.
I know that all of this is overwhelming. You're going to receive a lot of information at once and you're going to have to adjust very quickly to what I have planned for you. But you have to be strong for me. I know you can, you always have been.
This is all to protect you.
It hurts right now, I know it does because I feel it too. But it won't hurt you forever.
I never thought that someone would love me and I never thought that I would love someone else. I especially never thought that I would love someone so much that even though they made me happier than I've ever been in my life, I was going to give them up to keep them safe. I didn't think I would ever be so in love that it made me selfless.
But that's what I'm doing with you right now. If it were up to me, I would keep you by my side forever. It just isn't possible. It isn't right to put your life in danger because of my own wants and needs.
For the first time in my life, I'm putting someone before myself. I'm putting you before me. I would sacrifice everything in the world to make sure that you were safe. And to me, you are everything. I'm sacrificing us to save you.
You are and will forever be the most important thing in my life.
I know you probably want to lay in bed and do nothing. Or maybe you're already planning a way to get back to me. But I need you to follow these directions. This is very important, if you don't, this will all be for nothing.
For the last time, I need you to trust me.
I love you. I'll never stop thinking about you.
Always yours,
Kylo
Your hand was over your mouth, silencing the pained cries that wanted to escape your chest. You read his note to you over and over again, trying to imagine how he looked when he was writing it. Was that what he had been doing on the plane on the way here? You remembered the way his ringed fingers had been tapping away at the keys, silently working on something.
You missed him so much already. You wished he could've said all of that out loud to you before he left, maybe it would've hurt less to hear it come from his mouth instead of from words on a screen.
You looked at the way he signed off on the note: Always yours.
You couldn't imagine it any other way. No matter how far away from him in the world that you were, you knew you belonged to each other.
You shut the laptop, overwhelmed. You knew you'd always be his.
Later that day, Kylo wandered over to your apartment door. His eyes strained as he took in the way the shut door looked. He thought back to all of the times he came over, knocking or unlocking it himself, announcing that daddy was home.
He took the key out of his pocket, the one he had for your apartment, and twisted it in the lock. As the door swung open, he took a moment to just stand in the doorway and take it in for the last time.
Kylo's eyes glanced towards your couch that was facing the door. He thought about all of the times that you'd been sitting there waiting for him. His stomach sunk at the way your eyes would light up and you'd smirk at him before getting off from the couch so that you could stand on your toes and kiss him.
He shut the door behind him, feet shuffling into the apartment. There were so many memories in here, it was suffocating him.
The first time he had ever been inside, the night he moved down the hall from you and showed up while you had been drinking with a few of the other men's girlfriends.
When he brought you home after saving you from the man you attempted to mug you in the alleyway.
The time that he sat across from you and Hux and threatened him the second the red haired man disrespected you.
When Kylo had to crouch in the closet and hide from Hux, as well.
He looked back to one of the more recent memories, Christmas. He realized that it was one of the last positive memories he had with you.
Kylo thought about all the times the two of you laughed together, cried together, made each other cum. All in the walls of this apartment that was soon going to belong to a stranger.
He made his way around every inch of your apartment, looking through cabinets and drawers, making sure that there was nothing left behind that would be meaningful to either of you. He assumed Hux was going to sell everything that was of value and pitch the rest.
Getting to the shelf near your table, he gathered up all of your old sketchbooks, the notebooks and canvases that you left behind. It didn't matter to him if it was just a random doodle that meant nothing to you, to him it belonged anywhere but in the trash.
Walking into your bedroom, he opened up your closet. There were a lot of clothes in there, some of which he'd never seen you wear. His fingers ran along the material, pausing when he got to a dress in particular. Bright red. The one he bought you while just getting to know you. The one you wore to dinner even though you showed up with Hux.
He took it off its hanger, holding it in his hands. What would he ever do with it? He had no idea but he couldn't bear the thought of it in a heap somewhere or worse, someone else wearing it and creating their own memories in it. It was yours, it shouldn't belong to anyone else.
Kylo went through the rest of your closet, pulling out various pieces that reminded him of an exact memory, desperately wanting to own every little thing that held some sort of tie to you.
He did the same thing with a few other items. Your perfume, the blanket on your bed, the fluffy robe that he always made fun of when you wore it around him.
Exhausted, Kylo collapsed onto your bed, legs hanging over the edge so that his feet could rest against the ground. He stared up at the ceiling, letting all of it sink in. These material things were all he had left of you.
He let a sob erupt from his chest, inhaling at the way your sheets still smelled like you. His hand ran along the material, grasping at it, desperate to find another trace of you.
Usually, that's how he'd touch you in the middle of the night. After you would scoot away from him, he'd steal the blanket and reach out for you, forcing you to roll back to him and let him hold you to get warmth.
There was no one in bed with him.
It took a few moments to pull yourself together. You had needed to set the laptop down and go out to the main room of the motel to get some water. When you walked out, you noticed Vicrul and Ushar were still fast asleep, snoring on opposite sides of the bed.
The next set of instructions on the flash drive had told you to call a number. Whoever the number belonged to would be able to explain everything in more detail.
You saved the nameless contact on your phone. You were just waiting to work up enough courage to actually press the call button.
Your feet silently shuffled over to Vicrul, putting a hand on his shoulder to gently wake him up. "Vic." You said softly.
Vicrul's eyes instantly fluttered open, always on guard, even in his sleep. "Hm?" He asked, voice low and sleepy. Then as he processed it was you waking him and he remembered the situation all of you were in, he sat upright in bed.
"What's going on?" He asked you in a hurried tone, looking around in alertness.
"Nothing, I'm fine." You said to him, keeping a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. "I just need to make a phone call...It says so on the instructions Kylo gave me. I want to step outside to do it." You said to him.
Vicrul blinked, thinking that through. Kylo told him before he left to make sure that you actually followed the directions he was leaving behind for you so this wasn't surprising news. "Okay." He yawned, "Do you want me to stand out there with you?"
You shook your head, "No, I just didn't want you to think I was leaving."
Vicrul gave you a gentle smile, thankful that you were being considerate even though you had every reason not to be. "Sure. Go ahead. I'll keep an eye on you." He assured you.
Standing outside of the motel room door, you suddenly felt so much more alone. You kicked at a stray rock in front of you, stalling because you were scared to actually go through with that you needed to.
You unlocked the phone screen and opened up the contact you had just saved.
You had no idea who was going to be answering it, what they were going to tell you. You weren't sure if you even wanted to know where you were going and what was expected of you. Sometimes ignorance was bliss. Just like how you'd been ignorant to what this trip really was before Kylo left.
Taking a deep breath, you pressed the call button, the familiar tone of ringing coming from your speakers.
Your anxiety built with each trill of a ring. Maybe if no one picked up, you could just go back home, pretend this didn't happen. Wishful thinking.
You were about to hang up and try again later when the ringing finally stopped, the sound of gentle rustling following the silence.
"Hello?" A voice rang out. A male voice. Rough but approachable, somewhat comforting.
"H-hi." You said, heart thumping. "Um..." You trailed off. You had no idea where to begin, what you were even supposed to say.
There was a long moment of complete quietness.
"Oh, it's you. I've been waiting to get this call." The voice said, you could almost hear the faint smile in it.
You didn't say anything in response.
"I know what you're going through right now is confusing. But it will all make sense, you'll move past it in time. It's for the best." He assured you in a way that almost calmed you down.
Still, silence on your end. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears.
"He never mentioned that you'd be so quiet." He chuckled, "He told me everything else though, all of the things you've been through because of him. It's all over now. You can start over. You're very lucky. No one else gets this chance."
Your eyes stayed on the pavement below you, focusing in the long thin cracks.
"Oh, I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm sorry." He said. You still said nothing, so he continued.
"My name is Luke. I'm Ben's uncle."
You paused your slight pacing as you heard that. Ben's uncle. Kylo's uncle. You attempted to process that, the implications of it running through your mind in quick succession.
"Oh, uh-um..." You were stumbling on your words, trying to find the best way to respond to a piece of information like that.
"You don't have to say anything. I know you're taking a lot in right now. Just listen to me." Luke said to you in a soothing tone.
From inside the motel room, Vicrul was leaning against the wall near the window, parting the curtain in his hand so that he was able to stare at you from inside, making sure that you were doing alright and really, he wanted to make sure that you weren't attempting to leave.
"Okay." You responded to Luke, folding your arms across yourself as a gust of wind rolled by, causing you to shudder from the rush of cold air.
"You're flying to me in a few days. Ben doesn't know where I live, he won't be able to find either of us, but he wanted to make sure there was someone around wherever he was sending you to keep an eye on you."
Although you didn't want to go anywhere without Kylo, knowing that you were going to have at least one person there with you, even a stranger at this point, did make you feel better. Just a little. Not enough.
Kylo really did think of everything. He did everything that he could to make this transition as bearable as possible for you. Even down to making sure the Knights that you were closest with were the ones staying with you.
"He told me about the flash drive he gave you. I know there's some documents on it. Your new identity, your new name, new birthday, everything...He told me that he has a bank account for you with enough money for a few years while you get back onto your feet." He explained, talking in a slow enough voice that you could process it. "But I'll be around if you need help with anything else. Your driver is supposed to bring you to me and I'll get you home."
"Okay." You muttered
"You're safe now. I promise... It's time to start all over." Luke said, assuming that it would make you feel better but it just broke your heart. You didn't want to start over. You wanted your old life back.
You said nothing, nausea and anger forming in your stomach. This was all so unfair.
"I'm not sure how much you know about Ben's childhood...I doubt he ever brought me up." He sighed, "When he got a hold of me to talk about you, it was the first time we've spoken since he was a teenager."
You tried to think back to the conversations you had with Kylo about his upbringing. You couldn't remember Luke, or any other uncle for that matter, being brought up.
It felt so strange to hear someone else call him Ben so casually...He was Kylo to you.
"He never mentioned you." You admitted, "I know about his parents...what happened with them." You told him cautiously. "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize he had an uncle."
"Don't apologize. I suppose that's my fault." Luke said, the sadness evident in his voice.
You couldn't help yourself, "Why's that?"
Luke let out a long sigh, took a few moments to himself, then, "I'm not sure if I should say this over the phone..." He muttered, then cussed under his breath before continuing, "I tried to get him arrested when he first got caught up with Snoke. I thought I'd be saving his family from his mistakes. It didn't work, it just made him turn against me." Luke explained.
You swallowed hard. Everyone in Kylo's life betrayed him. Your heart ached for him.
"Look, I'll just be honest with you." Luke said, though you could sense his hesitance in his voice. "I don't agree with the way Ben's parents raised him and there's a lot I've done that I regret when it comes to him. But at this point, in his life, there's no saving him."
You frowned at that, eyes going to the wind moving through the leaves on the trees. "No saving him?" You repeated him in a small voice. You found yourself being protective over him still.
"It sounds harsh, I know. But he lost himself a long time ago. He got caught up in this life. The mafia is just a part of him now. It's his personality. You getting away from him before he can pull you into it should make you grateful." Luke said to you, unable to stop himself from being honest. "He's not Ben anymore. He never can be, there's no reason to keep holding onto the idea that you could be happy with him. You need to take this opportunity to get away from him and use it."
"He didn't lose himself." You argued instantly, "He's still that same person you knew when he was a teenager. Ben and Kylo are the same person." You explained, feeling the urge to stick up for him.
Luke was taken back, not expecting you to still be on Kylo's side after all of this. He assumed that Kylo put you through hell and you'd be thrilled to get away from him and create a new independent life for yourself.
"Think about it. He should've never been careless enough to let you get kidnapped." Luke said in a soft voice, trying to speak to you gently, able to tell that you are upset. "He was cocky and he left you alone when you should've had someone watching over you because he felt unstoppable. He's selfish."
You stopped your motions on the cement, staring straight ahead. "Selfish?" You asked with a humorless laugh. "If he was selfish, he would've never let me leave him in the first place. His selfishness would've kept me by his side even when I was in danger. You don't know him at all." You accused him, hand gripping the phone in your hand.
Luke sighed audibly. "I'm not here to fight you over this. I-"
You interrupted him. "No, this has been the problem all along. It doesn't matter how many times Kylo proves himself, when he was a child or even now, you are always going to view him as his grandfather. That isn't him. You and his parents made him that way, you pushed him right in that direction and now you're punishing him over it."
Luke was speechless for a few seconds.
Then, "How about you call me back tomorrow morning? Or tonight, even. I'll be around. I think you need some time to process this."
You didn't respond, wanting to press the end button. He didn't understand why you were so upset. He didn't understand that you were in love with his nephew, in love with every part of him, even the bad parts.
"I promised Ben I would look after you and I will. I'm just here to help, okay? I'm looking out for you." Luke said sincerely, softly.
You glanced behind you, noticing movement in the curtains of your motel room. Vicrul was standing in the window, giving you a small and sympathetic smile as he watched over you from the inside.
"Thanks. I have to go." You said dismissively, looking away from the window and staring into the empty parking lot in front of you. Luke was right. You needed to process this.
"Sure." He agreed. "Can I just say one more thing?"
You sighed, "Okay."
"The way that Ben turned out has haunted me. And I know, deep down somewhere inside, it haunts him too. Him giving you this gift to start over...I think it's the gift he's always wanted to give himself. If you really loved him, you'd take this new identity and make him proud." Luke said, tone serious.
You swallowed hard, thinking it over. "Yeah...Okay." You agreed, gears turning in your mind.
"Alright. I'll talk to you later. Take care of yourself, let me know if you need anything from me."
You didn't say anything back, instead you ended the call.
You entered inside the motel room, door slamming behind you, filled with a new perspective.
"Are you okay?" Vicrul asked you instantly, moving over to you.
You noticed the way that Ushar was stirring in bed, groaning and pulling the pillow in over his head to block out the light and sound. He was definitely not ready to wake up.
"I'm fine." You answered him, gently pushing past him and walking in the direction of the bathroom.
"I told you not to cry alone. You can be sad out here with us." Vicrul called after you, attempting to grab your arm to keep you from sneaking off on your own.
"I said I'm fine. I'm not crying." You told him, glancing at him over your shoulder as you opened the bathroom door to prove your point. It was the truth. You weren't sad. You were determined. "You can go back to bed."
Vicrul said nothing, running a hand through his bedhead and watching you shut the door behind you. He sighed. He wished he could help, he felt useless.
"Do you wanna cuddle?" Ushar asked Vicrul, jokingly, voice deep and raspy from sleep.
Inside the bathroom, you leaned against the sink, staring at your reflection with squinted eyes, concentrated.
It was very clear to you now, after speaking with Luke, just how lonely Kylo's life had been before he met you. He was a villain before he was even born. His parents created a self fulfilling prophecy for him to become like his grandfather, a mob boss, before he could even say his first word. Kylo was set up for failure.
The only person who ever believed in him was Snoke. And for all of the wrong reasons.
You tried to imagine what Kylo was doing now...How lonely he was without you. How hopeless he probably felt knowing that the rest of his life was going to be spent all on his own. You were the only person who saw the good in him, the only person who believed that he was worth it.
You gripped the edge of the sink with your jaw clenched. It killed you to know he was on his own.
Luke's words played over and over in your mind: "make him proud".
When had you made Kylo proud in the past? When that man pulled a gun on him while he'd been on top of you and you pulled your own gun out to shoot him and protect him. When you lied to the cops for him. When you spoke to Snoke on your own and handled it with confidence. When you stuck up for yourself to Hux. When you almost escaped from your kidnapper...
While staring at your reflection, it dawned on you.
All of the times that you made Kylo proud in the past had been when you followed your gut and did what felt right, even when you knew it was risky.
You did want to make Kylo proud. But sitting in this run down motel, waiting for something to happen definitely did not feel like the way to do it.
Turning away from the mirror, you took a deep breath, filled with a new purpose.
You were going to get Kylo back.
You were going home.
No matter what it took.