WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT about Klarise and Juno, I thought I was dreaming, and that this was the worst dream possible. Something I couldn't quite comprehend. But even more impossible, I found out not from Klarise, but from Juno.
And I was also the first person he told.
He was going to produce a movie and wanted me to star in it, and I really thought that was all we were going to talk about. But right after finishing up and covering all the stuff like an estimated box office price, other potential actors/actresses to star in it etcetera, before hanging up he said:
"You're the first person I'm telling this to, since you and Cameron have been together the longest, I think you'll be able to give me some advice."
I remember laughing, thinking how even all these years, as much as all of us trusted Juno, he never knew the truth between me and Cameron or me and Klarise. Juno, with his dazzling blue eyes and blonde hair, was the kind of guy who kept his questions to himself. If he even had any, because from the usual look of it, he seemed pretty earnest and always thought everything around him was as true as it's put off to be in the core. Sometimes I want to see the world in his eyes, to see only the kind parts of it. And this was why, as much time as he spent with the four of us, even though he heard everywhere about my rivalry with Klarise but then saw her hanging out with us for most of the time, despite all of that, he did not ask a thing or thought anything was off. Some days, if I was delusional enough, I mistake him for the past Mason.
This was also what led to what we have here. And what might as well, from now on, shatter small pieces of Juno Gallapher, pulling him into our mess that he never knew existed.
I checked off the things I had done for the day and one of them being: "FaceTime with Juno for Movie". I looked up and glanced at the time, seeing that I had some extra minutes to spare for this. And also noticing how his smile was even more sincere than usual.
"Does this mean the single, handsome, sweet guy has finally found a girl for him?" I asked, the obvious sound of teasing in my voice.
He blushed, looking away from the camera for a second. "Well...okay, you got me there."
I was actually excited. Because Juno, from the years we've known him, had never mentioned even one girl he was seeing. "What's she like? Let me guess, she loves movies and producing as much as you do?"
His eyes got larger by my question, and he looked like he was already imagining her. I, too, was starting to form a vague picture of just who this woman might be in my mind.
He chuckled, almost shyly. "No, sadly I don't think she's into producing or movies. She's been in one movie though."
Now I was even more drawn in, letting out a knowledgeable exhale. "Ah, so she's in this business too huh? She an actress?"
He shook his head, a childish grin casually placed on his face but obviously it's nothing casual at all. "No, not quite. Although in the past she has joined some reality shows."
I nodded, getting my mug and taking a sip of the coffee that's in it. "So...she doesn't like the main stuff you like. Tell me about her personality then. Or how you two met."
His eyes gleamed with delight, like he had been waiting for a million years just to be asked this so he could share it. "I mean, I've always known her for a while. Except we never really got to talk, but for some reason I was always a little...drawn towards her. There was always something so captivating about the way she did things, the way she would be so focused on something she seems to tune the whole world around her out. She's like..."
My phone rings with a text message notification, I half glance at it while Juno talks on. It's from Klarise.
Can't wait to see you in a week!
Klarise was moving to New York, an apartment near me and Cameron but not close enough that people will suspect anything between us. Ever since me and Cameron have moved to New York, here in Manhattan, me and Klarise would call and FaceTime everyday, sometimes late into the night because we didn't have time to free in the day. I missed her so much, especially when I slept in bed alone each night. Sometimes Cameron would pull into a spot next to me when he was missing Mason, and we'd hold each other, both knowing the life we were living, the falseness of it gutting into our skins each hour, every single second of our life as we drew breath. In New York, Cameron and I were each other's comfort source. His teasing became lightening of my moods when I wanted to cry, when I deeply wanted to see Klarise. And my teasing to him became the same. Although if one thing, Cameron still got to see Mason in person between the last two years a few times. It was me and Klarise who, from this whole thing, decided to give it a two year separation with the distance to help with the rumors.
I haven't seen the love of my life for two years. I haven't touched her, caressed the parts of her I so loved. I haven't been able to feel her so that she wasn't just a screen in front of my face but someone who existed, someone who breathed and ate and was real.
But the time was finally up now, and I felt like the days became longer and longer as I waited for her arrival.
"...the place we last talked at. And then because of that, I finally decided to ask her out last month."
Juno was then looking at me, smiling, but also not really looking at me and probably still imagining this girl he's so in love with.
And remembering he was supposed to move here to New York next week around the same time with Klarise, since he has been the one managing her music and albums while we were all over here; I said to him: "You are in such a love phase, Juno. Well anyway, since you're coming back here next week, is she moving here with you?"
"Yeah, it might be all luck but she has personal reasons for coming to New York too. So I guess I got lucky." He rubs his hair nervously, and then his face goes up in a way like he just forgot to tell me the most important part of all of this. "Hey, you know, you actually know who she is."
"I do?" And the same moment I say that, I get another text message. I look down to read it, Klarise's name being right above the text, already making me remember the eagerness to see her:
There's also something I might need to tell you, and I want to do it in person...
"Mhm, please don't think this is weird or anything though, would you? I mean she is your friend I think...or not, I don't know. But I really, really, love her. And I guess I'm asking for your support here."
I frowned at the message, rereading it a second time to see if I read it wrong. I don't look up from my phone, "Juno, your love business is none of my concern. I will never have anything against this, in fact, very lucky girl."
I can hear him let out a sigh, like he really wasn't expecting me to say that. "Well okay then..."
I text back: What are you talking about?
"She's Klarise Kong."
I look up from my phone.
"I have dinner with her tonight, gotta go now if you don't mind." He's ready to hang up, and when he says he's hanging up, I don't give him the chance. His voice is cut off in suddenness, and I sit back in my seat, phone in one hand and my laptop in front of me, in my pajamas. I was in no condition to move, but I also had a shooting appointment for a commercial in an hour I needed to prepare for.
That is how I find out about Klarise and Juno. This is also how, thinking after two years of not seeing the person I so love dearly and can finally have her back to me, our relationship just gets more complicated.
I pick up the phone and call Klarise.
STOP, I DON'T WANT to hear it." I was crying, wiping at my face with my sleeve even though the tissue box was arms-length away from me. It had already been thirty minutes past my appointment, but I was in no intention of showing up.
"You called me for this, okay? Maeve, just let me finish explaining." Klarise says breathlessly over the call. Even without seeing her, with only the audio, I can imagine the brow of annoyance on her expression. It's all over in her voice. She thinks this is a waste of time to try to explain to me. She always thinks she's right on whatever she does, and I'm always the one who doesn't understand. But no, that's not how it works.
"Okay, then explain. You can start from why you said yes."
We had been going at this for already twenty minutes, yet it felt like we had gotten nothing out of this conversation. The arguing, I hated it, but more so right now, I hated her guts, her excuses, her reasonings.
She sighed, so obviously for me to hear. It drove me madder. "Like I already repeated three times, I never anticipated he would ask me. I wasn't prepared when it came."
I scoffed, cursing under my breath. "A 'no' is not so hard."
There's a pause, and that tiny little break lets me know she's trying to hold in whatever remark she wanted to say to what I said. She continues, her voice now less shaky from the anger and more firm.
"Besides, it was just a date, and I thought there wasn't really any harm in something like that. So I said yes." I rolled my eyes, now the tears were gone but replaced with only anger and irritation on my skin. "But then I thought about it after the date, and this...Maeve, this will help us. It will help me. Don't you think people will start to suspect something of me if I stay single like this forever? I can't have a reputation like that, you should be able to understand."
I wanted to scream at her. "This is the twenty-first century, Klarise. Goddammit!" I needed to breathe for two seconds, pinching the bridge of my nose and digging my nails into my hair. I sink them into the flesh, which I shouldn't do, but it helps a lot with the frustration now indented into me. When I recover, I sigh into the mic. "There's a lot of single women nowadays, not everyone wants to get into a relationship. Or not everyone is focusing on relationships as the main goal of their life. People don't suspect stuff like that, alright?"
The other end is quiet for a bit.
My voice softens. "Klarise?"
A series of what sounds like shuffling fabrics come through. Is she fidgeting? Going somewhere? "You just don't understand it because it's not your problem."
And this was why I was so mad in the first place. "Wow. You have no idea. Do you think I don't have problems and you're the only one that does?"
"No, I didn't mean it like that." Now she sounds hesitant about what she had said, and I didn't know if I felt better about that like I've won. Or if I only felt drained, drained because the last thing I wanted to do was fight with her but that's what we were doing.
"Of course you did. Were you the one who married to save our family? Our relationship? Are you the one who has to please these two people that's your father and mother in-law for what seems like every single goddamn day of your life while they look at you with displease? Because they think their son is so good and I am just the fucking undeserving and in-the-trenches wife their son married?" I'm realizing, slowly, that everything coming out of me right now are things I never said aloud and never knew were what I had really felt. Wetness starts to damp at my cheek again.
"Maeve..."
"They send me gifts, jewelry, all these things but the message is always so clear. 'I don't deserve their son. I have to do better. I have to work harder. I have to give them a grandchild. I need to prove myself for the worth of this family.' Do you know how hard it is? And the fact that I didn't want to change my name is what makes them look down on me even more. The fact that I am trying to do better, trying to please them, trying to make them like me. I feel like I'm suffocating every single second of my life. I have to visit them at least once every week, where Tabitha Li will look at me like an unworthy woman. And then Arthur Li, he barely gives me a second look just to show how much he doesn't even acknowledge me. So Klarise," I finally grab a tissue, but I don't use it. "Are these what you'd call no problems?" She utters something but I speak over it. "Yeah, so I really hope you like the life of being scared of what people will say about you being single. Because isn't that just the scariest problem to have? Totally cannot fathom."
We're both quiet now, only the sound of the air from the call. I pull the tissue up to my face and wipe away the tears.
"I'm sorry," she starts to say, and I can now hear the sounds of opening drawers. "I have to go now. There's...I have dinner with Juno soon."
I laughed, a bitter laugh. "I hope you have fun."
She doesn't say anything. And I thought she had hung up, but after moments of silence, a quiet voice came: "I love you."
I hesitate, with my anger still churning in me. But then I thought better and said it back.
"I love you...too."
Although Klarise was already gone by then. And I'm alone, in my giant and fancy house that I share with Cameron, my husband.
I let my emotions take over me from there, letting the sobs happen, the screaming, the anger and irritation and frustration and the helplessness, letting it all out in physical forms. I knew I would feel better, but in truth, I also knew that these feelings will still have to be dealt with in later times.
That night, when Cameron comes back from a met-gala, he finds me in the closet. Such a big closet, a walk-in one, filled with clothes and space of at least one fourth the size of a tennis court. He couldn't find me at first, but after more searching and looking, he found me with a pile of disheveled clothes covering me up.
He doesn't ask me anything. He simply leans down, joins me on the floor, and holds me. We cry together.