Closing her fingers around the strap of her purse tightly, feeling it dig into her palm, Avery is out of the car before Ethan's even had the chance to turn its engine off.
With every step up the driveway, the exhilaration she's felt these past weeks slowly slip through her fingers – the way the sand down at the beach would upon building a sandcastle on a warm summer's day. Ignoring the ache of her heels, her eyes set on the trunk of the car as the flurry of white falls from the sky around her. The flakes stick to her hair, to her lashes, rests upon the tip of her nose. They prickle her skin with cold before melting into wetness. She barely notices.
Those are suitcases.
And judging by the way her father uses both his hands to lift them in and out of the trunk, rearranging the space to fit the cardboard boxes, they're far too heavy to be empty.
"Oh, hi sweetheart," Robert greets her as she's close enough, giving one of the boxes a light shove.
The snow brightens up the dark of the night, melting together with the yellow cast from the single string of Christmas lights lining the front of her house. Together, the two emit a light only deepening the winkles of her father's features as he turns to fully face her. He regards her dress before flickering his gaze Ethan's way as he too comes walking up the driveway – taking in their attires.
"Ah right," He says. "Night of the Winter Formal, correct?"
Avery nods as she tries for a smile but it wavers, her forced exhale tickling her lips. Her heart thunders in her chest despite her calm demeanor, forcefully pushing away the internal calamity that is her mind. She lets her eyes flicker back to the boxes and the suitcases competing to take up space in the trunk, desperately convincing herself not to jump to any conclusions.
Trying for a level tone, lighthearted even – she lifts her chin towards the trunk. "Did you find all your boxes?"
"Yes, they were all there. Had to fetch them before hitting the road."
Stricken, Avery blanches. Struggling against the tension filling her tightening chest, she presses three fingers to her throat to force down the lump there. She doesn't want to ask the question lingering on the tip of her tongue, but she has no choice.
"You're leaving?"
"Have to be home by morning," Robert blows air into his cupped hands. "I left keys on the bureau in the hall–"
Avery forces her breath to become even, numb fingers closing even tighter around the strap of her bag – her knuckles surely as white as the rain of snow.
"You're leaving now?"
A stray gust of wind hits her, prickling her skin as a venomous voice takes up space inside her head, seeming to chant the words 'he wasn't even going to say goodbye' over and over. Fighting the urge to squeeze her eyes shut, her lips thin as her attempt at a smile falters entirely.
"It's Zander's birthday tomorrow," Robert says through an impatient purse of his lips. "You know that."
Avery's heart plummets, its beat both racing and stilling simultaneously in her apprehension. A moment of inaction passes as her eyes swivel up to glance skyward. Breathing in, she's barely able to exhale through the tightness consuming her chest. Her lips simply part with a small puff of air.
The word 'birthday' echoes in her mind, her throat constricting as the snowflakes adorn her cheeks and the tip of her nose before they slowly melt into her skin. Hurt fills her at once, her breath the form of a cloud as she lets her eyes find her father's again. The words slip her lips before she's able to bite her tongue.
"When's my birthday? Do you even know?"
A tone short of patience cuts through Robert's voice as he lets the trunk cover fall shut. "What kind of ridiculous question is that?"
"Do you?"
"Of course I know. Now – I really have to get going. Let's hope this," He gestures to the snowfall. "Calms down a bit as I hit the roads."
Taking a step toward her, Robert holds one of his arms out to pull her in for a hug but Avery stumbles backwards as if wounded. And maybe she is.
She regains her stance as Ethan's palm presses into the small of her back in support and she swallows back the tightness growing in her throat, only now realizing how close they're stood. Yet, he takes another step closer to her. It's a protective gesture, one quick glance his way confirms as much. His jaw is set, lips parting as if wanting to speak but he lets them fall shut again, thinking better of it.
Having trouble to wrap her head around it all, Avery carefully treads through her next words – knowing one misstep, one wrong note in her tone, can overthrow everything she's ever hoped for.
"I thought we were driving together," She begins. "Once I go on break? And now you're... leaving? No goodbye? No see you at Christ–"
She cuts herself off as something passes across Robert's face. Before she can help it, a long exhale of defeat leaves her lips.
"There isn't going to be a Christmas, is there?"
After ten years of this, she should have seen it coming. After ten years of this, it shouldn't hurt this much.
But it hurts.
Attempting to drown out the words in her mind playing on a loop – saying she must have done something for this to have happened, she bites down on her lip. She tries to drown out the desperate search through the tangled up web of her thoughts, browsing through patterns or missteps that could have led them here. Trying to keep them out, they continue to grow louder with her every struggling breath.
The world seems to sway beneath her feet, and she's pretty sure her front yard is spinning as her vision blurs with the dizzy snowfall. As the realization of the situation dawns on her, she's grateful Ethan's there to hold her upright.
"You're canceling Christmas."
She folds her bare arms across her chest to rub her palms over her goose bumped skin, not sure if the cold slowly overtaking her comes from the chill of the air of if it stems from within. Only Robert mistakes it, she notices from his immediate response – his lips curling in disapproval. There's nothing she can do to make him realize. He's decided her motion is one of defiance.
"Now Avery– sweetheart," He begins, that impatience back in the purse of his lips. The nickname rather sounding as a scolding than a term of endearment. "It's not that simp–"
Taking a great step back Avery shakes her head, growing ice cold. "No, you know what? That's fine. That's completely fine,"
Somehow she manages to find enough footing to continue her trek backwards without a slip, the straps of her shoes digging into her blistered feet. She unzips her bag as she walks, her vision turning hazy as tears begin to prickle her eyes.
"That's fine. I didn't want to go anyways."
Whirling around on her feet, she climbs onto her front step. He can leave – but she doesn't have to stay out here to watch him do it.
Her mascara painted lashes stick together, silent tears staining her eyes as she attempts to unlock the door but her trembling hands have her failing and the key scarcely brushes against the lock. Breathing growing shallow, she hiccups in desperation to inhale while lifting one of her hands to wipe roughly at her tearstained cheeks. She's just about to give up as an arm wraps around – a touch she doesn't flinch away from. A touch she'd know anywhere.
"Here," Ethan's tone is soft – warm but firm – as he takes the key out of her hand, not letting go of her for even a beat of a moment. He easily unlocks the door, the warmth of the house enveloping them as he guides her inside.
♡♡♡
She doesn't know if Robert's still in the driveway or if he's already halfway out of town. Everything else fades away, the thundering beat of her heart a stark contrast to the silence of the house, as she tries to tell herself she doesn't care either way.
Sinking to the floor, she doesn't make it past the front hall before she lets her legs give in.
Ethan instantly lowers into a kneel alongside her, arms wrapping tight around her. She's not sure if it's his hold threatening to crack her into a million pieces or if maybe it is the sole reason she's not yet lying shattered and scattered all over the wooden floorboards.
His fingers sprawl through her hair, the fabric of his shirt growing wet from her snotty, hiccuping tears as his thumb rubs gentle circles on the nape of her neck. He doesn't prompt her to speak, doesn't try to sway her into making any decisions. He simply lets her cry into his chest, brushing her hair away as it sticks to her face.
Feeling more stupid by the second, Avery hiccups for air. She has thought this time would be different. It had been different. Everything had been perfect. Until it wasn't anymore.
"Shit," She croaks out.
Pulling back ever so slightly, she catches the flash of pain crossing Ethan's eyes. Traces of it etches into his features as he reaches out, smoothing his thumb over the skin beneath her eyes to dry her tears. She holds back a sigh as she notices the black strokes of mascara sticking to his skin, then her gaze flickers around their surroundings.
"Where's my phone?" She asks, voice thick and laced with tears. "I have to tell Cal I'm not coming to the– I have to tell them not to wait for me. I can't– I don't want to go anymore."
"Hey," Ethan's fingers gently latch around her wrist as she finally finds her bag. "I've got it."
She nods, running her knuckles under her nose and her eyes. Melting into his embrace, cheek to his now ruined shirt she watches as he slips the phone out of her bag. She continues to wipe at her face, trying to keep up with the tears still spilling out as she draws from the comforting warmth he provides.
Holding onto her with one arm, Ethan presses a light kiss to her temple before leaning his chin atop her head. "We'll stay here."
"You should still go," She objects, followed by a half-assed attempt to clear her throat. "Don't let me ruin your night. "I'm just– I'm just tired."
His other arm wraps around her again, his lips brushing both her cheeks and the tip of her nose as she tilts her head back to look at him. The gesture brings out the slightest hint of a smile of her and his expression softens further too.
Letting her nose fall to the dip of his throat, she relishes in the familiar scent of him – it's clean, and apples and notes of cardamom and just him. Relishes in the feel of his arms wrapped around her as he holds her close to his chest.
"I'm not going anywhere."
♡♡♡
Avery lets out a long sigh-sounding exhale as she hangs up on the call with her mother. Stood alone in the center of her bedroom, she lets her chest rise and fall with her still heavy but slightly lightened breath. Her phone is sticky between her fingers, layers of dried tears coating the screen and she shoots the device one more glance before tossing it onto her bed.
She watches it bounce on the mattress once before turning on her now patched up feet – band-aids stuck to her skin –, heading for her closet.
Struggling with an inhale of air, she opens its doors. Instead of stripping out of her dress she lets it be – simply pulling out one of the drawers holding her sweaters. She doesn't even spare a glance at the far too many knits taking up space as she reaches for Ethan's green 'Ace East' weather where it lies atop the pile – having seemed to found a permanent home there.
She slips into it, running a smoothing palm along the hem before wrenching her hands together. Forcing another circle of air through her nose, she senses the tension consuming her chest fighting back and it leaves the slightest metallic taste to her throat.
She presses her lips together once, the salt from her tears lingering upon them clear against the tip of her tongue.
Though she's run her hands under water, though she's splashed it in her her face, her skin still feels dried up. Sticky and irritated as it flushes in occasional warmth matching the exhaustion beginning to overtake her.
Stretching her fingers out before her, she carefully pads out of her room and down the stairs on bare feet.
♡♡♡
She pauses on the last step, one hand to the railing and the other to her sternum as she forces another breath through to soothe the tension there. Only she's sidetracked by the hushed voices carrying her way.
Brows etching together, she resumes walking – already able to determine who the other voice belongs to. She's had to endure having it talk her ear off for the past seventeen years.
Still, as she ends up in the doorway to the kitchen, a surprised exhale tickles her lips. Blinking at the strange sight before her, she can't help the chortle of disbelief that leaves her.
Stood together, Ethan and Luke – their suit jackets discarded – straighten up at the sound of her laugh, breaking away from their conversation. Both their expressions soften ever so slightly as their gazes turn to her, noticing her stood with her palm held to the doorframe.
Her eyes continue to flicker between them, eventually letting them settle on Luke as his lips fall into a sympathetic line. She's sure the sadness is still etched into her worn features – eyes bloodshot no matter how hard she's tried to watch the traces of her tears away.
A shadow of worry crosses his face before his eyes fall to the sweater she's in and his lips twitch up.
"Yeah," He says solemnly. "If I had to wear that, I'd be bawling my eyes out too."
A breathless laugh escapes through the thickness of her throat but soon a sob breaks through with a loud cracking sound. Before she knows it Luke has crossed the room in two quick strides, pulling her into a hug. The wet stain appearing on his shirt is evidence enough of the tears having begun to trail down her cheeks once more. One would think she's run out by now.
He hugs her closer. "I'm really sorry, Ave."
"Yeah, me too," Inching back, she wipes at her cheeks roughly – speaking through a sniffle. "What are you doing here?"
"Heard I may be needed,"
Luke watches her warily as he takes a step back, as if afraid letting go of her entirely will have her overflowing in tears yet again but Avery's mind is still focused on his words. Her eyes flicker to Ethan who simply shrugs with a faint smile, having her own lips mirroring his.
"Okay, first," Luke says, letting his palms fall from her arms as he reaches for a glass of water stood on the kitchen table. He shoves it into her hand. "You're going to drink this."
She complies, gaze continuing to move between the two boys as she downs it in one slow go. Handing it back to Luke, her eyes follow him as he walks over to the counter to set it down. On soft footsteps, she too moves from the doorway, padding across the floor to where Ethan's stood.
Melting into his side, she uses him to lean on as she watches Luke walk shuffle around the cupboards. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like? Making you a snack."
"I'm not hungry."
One glance from both boys tells her she won't have much of a choice other than to suck it up and eat whatever Luke's making. Hungry or not.
♡♡♡
Tired of the boys falling into yet another quite unnecessary bout of bickering, Avery sighs back in her seat on the couch.
She tugs at the sleeves of her sweater, well – Ethan's sweater, letting them cover her palms.
"If you two are going to fight all night you're free to leave," She turns her head from one side to the other to glance at both of them. "Because it's not helping."
Both their smiles apologetic, Ethan reaches his hand out for hers while Luke straightens up in his seat in the armchair – whatever they just disagreed on already forgotten.
"Ave," Luke watches her carefully as he rests his elbow on his knee, chin leant on his fist as his eyes flicker to the half-eaten slice of toast on the plate stood on the coffee table. "Tell us what we can do."
The slightest hint of annoyance crosses Ethan's features and Avery wonders if he's about to point out it's not that simple but he remains quiet, flickering his gaze to Avery too. And she simply shrugs in response.
Though she's grateful they're both here for her, there's not much they can do. Her tears may be long gone, the immediate sadness exchanged for numbness but her chest remains heavy and tight.
She wants her mom. But that's nothing they can fix.
She wants to know what she did wrong. And though she wouldn't voice those words aloud, she wants to know why her father can't love her like she needs him to. They don't hold the answers to those wonderings.
Sensing her change of demeanor, noticing how her attention has drifted inward – Ethan scoots closer to her. The cushion shifts beneath them as he tucks his chin over her shoulder, bringing out a small smile out of her.
His words are soft-spoken as he smiles too. "We could watch a movie? If you want to?"
Remaining silent, her lips purse in thought and then she nods. She clears her voice to rid herself – or at least attempt to – of the clog filling it as her eyes cast to the lukewarm tea stood on the table before her. Folding her legs out of her cross legged seat to go make a new cup, Ethan's fingers catch around her wrist before she has the chance to get to her feet.
"I've got it."
She nods, hoping her smile of gratefulness reaches her eyes. She watches him go before scooting down the couch, reaching her leg out to nudge Luke's foot with her own.
"You should be at the afterparty."
"And miss out on watching questionable Meg Ryan movies with you?" He draws his legs up on the armrest of the chair. "How could you even suggest such a thing?"
"Questionable?"
"She stalks him in 'Sleepless in Seattle' Ave."
Avery's lips twitch before falling into a soft smile and the tone of her voice matches her expression as she empathizes her next words.
"You've got the girl Luke," Her smile widens as his does, his eyes casting to his hand as he draws a circle on the cushion of the armchair. "You've got the girl. And she's at the party."
"And I'm bracing myself for a marathon of Nora Ephron."
"Luke. I'm fine."
"No you're not. You know you're not. I know you're not. Ethan knows you're not," He shoots her a pointed look, rubbing a hand through his hair. "I'm staying. So stop that. It's okay not to be fine Ave."
She's about to open her mouth with a retort just as Ethan reappears, leaving her words unsaid.
Taking the cup into her hands, she lets it warm her palms – smile in place as Ethan sinks back into the seat next to her.
Luke takes it upon himself to get the movie going and Avery carefully, not to spill her tea, scoots along the couch to use Ethan as her pillow.
♡♡♡
The opening scene of 'When Harry Met Sally' has barely begun playing on the screen as Luke taps his fingers restlessly against the remote, a string of mumbled words leaving his lips.
"Robert really fucking sucks," He's quick to shoot Avery another apologetic look as she winces. "I'm sorry. I know that's not helpful but I just–"
"Kind of hate him." Ethan concludes, tone bitter. He drapes his hand over Avery's knee as her head jerks his way – a gentle featherlight stroke of his thumb over her skin a way of an apology of his own.
She lifts her cup to her lips without a word. A slight awkwardness lingers in the quiet of the short beat of silence that follows – and though her thoughts are all jumbled up, at least there's some sense of a silver lining there.
The two boys have, at last, found some common ground.
She's the one to break the silence first. "God I love this film. Look at her hair – it's so pretty."
Luke glances her way again, this time with a slightly teasing twinkle to his eye. "I know we're here for you right now," He says. "But could you maybe try not to talk through every scene? Knowing you, I'm sure we've both heard it all before – the film is amazing but the whole 'men and women can never be just friends' theme is crap. Yada yada yada."
She frowns slightly, eyes narrowing as Ethan fails to conceal a snort. Setting her cup of tea down on the table, her hands come to the cushion of the couch to steady herself as her lips pull into a feigned pout.
Ethan nudges her in the side before tugging at her wrist to make her come back to his side.
"You can talk however much you'd like," He says softly as she leans her head against his shoulder. "Just... maybe not through the entire thing."
♡♡♡
"Well, if this isn't the yearbook photo of the decade,"
Avery stirs out of her sleep, batting her eyes open with a small yawn to find Lea peering down at her with an amused smile.
"Or maybe the Acebridge Gazette would be interested," Lea slants her head to the side. Behind her, the rays of the sun shine bright through the windows facing Avery's backyard, casting orange stripes across the wooden floor. "Who would be the highest bidder, you think? The fervent yearbook committee or the snoozing editors of our beloved newspaper?"
Shifting, Avery props herself up on her elbows best she can and squints at the sunlight. Ethan has one arm draped possessively over her body, heavy in his sleep. Luke's on her other side, patterns from the rug they're upon etched into his cheek.
She's not entirely sure when they ended up on the floor. Neither can she recall when they fell asleep. Although, she does have a faint memory of her falling to her knees in utter despair sometime in the late night – or maybe early morning – hours, sobbing through the last of her tears. This time over having run out of yellow M&M's. The rest is a blur but here they are, still in their slightly rumpled clothes from last night, on her floor.
Her lips slip into a smile at Lea's joke but then her brows etch together in confused thought. "How did you get in?"
"Luke left his things in my car," Lea shrugs and lowers herself into a seat next to Avery, folding her legs to the side.
Avery gently lifts Ethan's arm to sit up better too, a faint smirk playing on her lips as her friend mentions the boy but Lea only shakes her head with a shy smile.
"We can talk about all that later," She says, "I heard you weren't feeling well."
"I'm better," It sounds just as false to her ears as it does Lea's and she sighs. Her friend stays silent, lips pursing ever so slightly as she waits for Avery to go on. "Same old same old... just, dad-stuff you know."
Lea's lips fall into a sympathetic line. "I'm sorry."
Next to them Luke shifts with a low grumble at the back of his throat, his arm snaking around Lea's waist where she's sat with her back to him. Both girls' lips twitch up curiously, glancing over at the boy – his breathing even and calm, eyes still closed.
A soft laugh escapes Lea as she tucks a strand of her dark hair behind her ear. "You're awake?"
"No."
Avery and Lea exchange a smile, the latter with a soft roll of her eyes.
At the sound of their voices, Ethan stirs but one glance over her shoulder has Avery knowing he's still asleep. Her smile grows genuine at his peaceful state of mind but it turns into a full grin as she turns her head back to face her friends. Lea's twisted around in her seat, eyes on Luke as her fingers carefully push some blond strands of hair out of his face.
Her shy smile makes it way back onto her lips as she notices she's been caught and Avery bites down at her lip, eyes flickering between the two.
"He really likes you, you know."
Lea lets her hand drop to the rug, cheeks twitching as she draws a circle in it. "Yeah I know. I really like him too," She's quick to clear her throat as she tries to suppress her smile. There's a carefulness to her gaze as she eyes Avery. "So, what's the plan now?"
"Well," A short breath of defeat leaves Avery's lips. "I guess I'm going to Colorado."
"Whoop whoop."
Breathless laughs escape the girls at Luke's close-to-whispered utterance, soon crossing into real genuine laughter. The heaviness lingering in Avery's chest slowly disperses as they collapse into each other with mirth.
And it's true this time – at least for now, she is feeling better.
. . .
hi hello it's your friendly(?) writer friend linn here. again.
I'm not going to lie. this one hurt to write at times. *releases exhale I've been holding*
anyways, thank you for continuing to be as sweet and supportive as ever.
I'm having really fun writing right now (as well as these past months), it really does feel like something I do for me and it truly is one of my favorite ways to spend my free time, but I'm happy I get to share it with you, and that you seem to like this little thing my mind made up.
much love, yours
linn