A/N:
Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and any italicized lines will represent a flashback of past events.
...........
I watched as the car pulled into my driveway, already shaking with nerves. Why was I doing this? I shouoldn't do this. Maybe I can just walk back into the house and hide in my room for the rest of my life. As soon as I saw Ryan's smile plastered across his face, though, I knew I couldn't.
"Hi." He was staring at me. I had gotten in the car at least a minute ago and he still hadn't backed out of my driveway. This was just supposed to be a friendly outing, right? Yeah, nothing more, just two guys going to get food and talking...
"You're staring," I sighed.
"I've missed you." He completely ignored my comment.
"Ryan, you can't-I mean I can't-" my head was starting to spin as I tried to think of what I was even trying to say. I knew this would be a bad idea. He was here with his stupid, perfect car, and his stupid, perfect smile, and his stupid perfect self. "I want food." That was always one way to break the tension.
Ryan simply nodded, finally realizing that he wasn't going to get much romanticism out of me. The following car ride was dead silent. I wanted to open the door and jump out onto the side of the highway. He didn't turn on the radio, he didn't speak, he just drove. It was quiet like that until we pulled into the drive-through of some fast food restaurant and he ordered our food. He remembered my usual order from months ago, of course he had to remember little things like that.
"Are you not going to speak to me the whole night?" Ryan broke the stillness of the air on the ride back to my home.
"I'm trying to think of what to say." The words barely came out as a mumble, but they came out all the same.
"Say anything you want, Jay." That surety...that confidence...my heart was pounding like it had before. Almost every part of my body was screaming at me for trying to stay strong. I can't let him back in like that.
"You don't want me to." I was facing forward, staring straight out the windshield. Now was not the time to open old wounds. This was a mistake. I could already feel the tension building, and one of us was going to explode.
"Yes, Jay, I do." He kept glancing over at me, worry coloring his expression. What did he have to worry about? He was the one that had made the mistakes, he was the one that hurt me.
"I honestly don't have anything to say."
"What do you mean?" Well, I tried to stay strong.
"Damn it, Ryan, what the hell do you want me to say?! Do you want me to tell you that you're a cheating bastard? Or how long it's taken me to forget about the way you make me feel? Maybe you want me to tell you how I've been regretting telling you that I would go out with you tonight ever since I hung up the phone because I knew that it would all come back. I knew that the moment I saw that goofy grin on your damn face that I would want to forget what you did and forgive your mistakes and just want to be with you like we were before, back when we were happy and you were lying to me. But then I remember that you were LYING to me and that you aren't the man I thought you were, that you aren't the friend I thought I had, and you aren't my boyfriend. You're just another ass hole in this world that wants to get laid and I don't need that in my life."
I had started my rant strong, letting all the anger and hate from the last two months pour out into my words; however, the pain that chased those two emotions was a lot stronger than I was prepared for. Tears were slowly running down my cheeks as the memories played out in my head. He was silent, staring down at his hands on the steering wheel. We were in my driveway and all I had to do was get out of the car and go inside, but I couldn't.
"You wanna know what's worse?" I asked, my voice cracking. He looked up, tears dancing around the edges of his eyes, threatening to spill out at any moment, but they didn't. "I'm still here. That's what's absolutely sad and pathetic. I'm sitting here, waiting-no, hoping-that you'll say something, anything. I'm stuck here trying to find a way to explain all of it to myself in a way where we can end up being together and being happy because I love you, Ryan."
I wanted to slap myself. Those words were not supposed to leave my mouth, but Ryan just...he made me feel so vulnerable. Everything was out in the open now...my feelings were at least.
"I'm so sorry, Jay. I-" he tried his best to hold it all back, to hide his pain. He didn't succeed. Instincts had my hand wiping the tears from his face, had my lips pressing against his.
.............
A/N:
Thanks for reading <3 if you liked this part of the story please leave a comment or a vote or both! xx
-Tay