Dear Nick (Contd.) ,
I never expected you to walk into my life, at a time where nothing could be worse. It sounds cliché, but you saved me. You saved me from falling into that bottomless pit. You saved me from myself.
You caught me while I was falling, and pulled me out of that pit with all the strength you had. And for the first time in a while, I didn't feel alone.
You taught me what real love is. And what real love should be. And for that I'll remember you as the first boy who genuinely loved me, for the rest of my life.
I couldn't comprehend the patience you had, to listen to my problems and make me laugh. I'm someone who laughs a lot. But for a long time, I hadn't laughed. You were kind, compassionate and real. And I loved you.
I don't think I was sure then, if I loved you. But I know now that I did. Now that you're gone. My mother used to tell me how people only cherish what they had once they have nothing. I think I understand how that feels now.
I couldn't comprehend what real love was. To be cared for, to be the subject of concern. I had never experienced it before. Real love. I guess that was why every moment with you felt like a dream.
Dreams are illusions. Perfect, but temporary.
I felt overwhelmed with guilt at the idea of what we had being a form of escapism for me. A distraction from the mess that I was in.
I was supposed to love you because I loved you.
I hated every moment of questioning my feelings for you. An internal debate of whether I loved you, or the idea and facade of security. You deserved so much more than that. So much more than me. I couldn't see what you saw in me. I was afraid that you'd wake up from this dream and realise that.
I'd never met someone who so selflessly gave himself to people. You were filled with love, warmth and altruism that radiated wide enough to fill a room. You gave yourself to whoever needed you - the people you loved, family and friends. You gave your heart to me, and I left.
I felt undeserving of you. You felt like a gift from God after years of putting my character to the test, if he existed. Life trials, my grandmother would say.
The fortress around me was long standing. It was cold, with thorns and vines. You took apart the walls I had built, brick by brick. And in each moment of doubt, you told me everything was going to be okay. I knew it wasn't, but your words gave me comfort.
I know it's selfish, but the thought of you having moved on eats away at me everyday. Things are better this way, is what I've been telling myself and my friends. It probably is for you, but deep down, I know it's not for me.
I miss how we would talk like best friends do. I miss the dad jokes we made. I miss watching you inhale a copious amount of food. I miss getting lost with you in the city. I miss laughing at videos on the internet together. I miss watching you goofily dance. I miss our weird handshakes. I miss the pranks we played. And I miss looking into your eyes, thinking somehow we were meant to meet.
I still love you, and I think I always will. It's funny how I've only come to realise that now, now that it's too late. I know that the bliss you brought me will be scored on my heart forever.
The memories that I have aren't mostly good ones. But I know I'll look back at those with you and smile. Thank you for teaching me how to love. And thank you for being pure, honest and true. Despite what you may think, I know that you will make an impact wherever you go in life. You are truly special. And I hope that you find someone as incredible a person as you.
Love,
Lola