>> • LAUREN • <<
Dad, I'm actually doing it. Can you believe this?
"Somehow, I don't feel like going. Guess what, I went to Wendy's funeral yesterday. And I didn't actually got a chance to apologize to her."
Inilapag ko ang maleta sa damuhan at sumalampak lamang sa harapan ng lapida ni Dad.
"I know. Of all these times, why did I decide to apologize now when I had a lot of chances that I didn't take?"
My flight's tomorrow, but I needed to stay on a hotel so it won't be a hassle to drive to the airport. I'll spend the rest of my time today doing the things I need to do before I finally leave.
"I'm too afraid to approach her. Hindi lang isang beses pumasok sa isipan ko na sumubok na humingi ng tawad, pero pinapangunahan ako lagi ng takot. That day when we got in an argument, she told me she'll never forgive me even if I apologize." I whispered as I played with the blades of grass on my leg.
Putting myself in her shoes, I now definitely understand what she's feeling that time.
"I don't want to apologize just for me to feel better and lift away the heaviness of my own heart. I want her to hear it, and I want her to know that I'm sincere." I paused for a while to feel the wind brushing on my skin. "But even if she's not going to hear me anymore, I still tried it when I visited her grave. It beats not trying, right?"
Other people who are passing by may mistook me for an idiot, but I didn't care as I lied down the grass and gazed at the blue sky.
"I just dropped by to say hello, Dad. Well, it's not really all about asking how you do now since I also came here to brag." I grinned. "I'm not going to cry again like last time."
Wait...
Last time?
A sharp pang struck my head as I rose up.
When was the last time that I've been here?
"I want you to be my boyfriend."
"Are you out of your mind? I don't know how to handle relationships!"
"So am I. Guess we need to learn throughout the process."
"I thought you're going to transfer in a different university in two months?"
"Sinong may sabi?"
"Wendy and the others."
"They're going ahead before I even told them my decision. I've already decided."
"So, you're going?"
"Nope."
"What?! Why?"
"I still want to be with all of you guys. Also, there are promises that I haven't yet fulfilled." tugon ko at tumingin sa phone ko upang tingnan ang litrato na kasama ang buong team ng Astra Silver Orions.
"I want to get stronger, so I can finally catch up to him."
Images started registering in my mind and everything's flashing too quick that I can't digest and look at those more closely.
"Beau..."
"See you later."
Cold beads of sweat broke in on my forehead. All I can do is gasp from what I've been seeing.
That guy's image kept on appearing along with the others. My chest's throbbing so hard that I almost lose grasp of my conciousness. Mabuti na lamang at naitukod ko ang aking mga braso sa damuhan.
Does this mean that I'm finally starting to remember everything?
But why now?
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I've already made new memories with people around me, what am I going to do with the old ones?
I'm not going to need these anymore. Right. I'll just continue on living my life like how I used to from the past three years—
Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib at pilit at kinalabog ito. Sino ba namang matutuwa kung lalong lumalakas ang kabog nito dahil sa isang taong ayaw ko nang makatagpo?
Enough, I've already hurt him. I'm not stupid to think that going back to his life will make everything fall into place. Baka nga mas maging kumplikado lang ang lahat.
What am I going to do with this throbbing? It hurts.
Nhnngggh...
I want to see him. I want to be by his side. I hate this. The very thought of him crossing my mind is unbearable. How will I be able to stop this madness?
Nanginginig na kinuha ko ang phone ko at nag-dial ng numero.
"Hello?"
"L-Love..." I inhaled a deep breath before gathering my thoughts.
"What happened, love? You sound like you're not feeling well. Where are you?" he sounded worried.
"I have something to tell you." hindi ko mapigilang kagatin ang aking ibabang labi. Ang gulo pa naman ng isipan ko at hindi ko rin alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kaniya.
"Okay, I'll listen."
I can hear some screeching and squeaking sounds coming from his line. "Are you on practice? Baka nakakaabala ako. Puwede namang mamaya na lang—"
"Nope. Hindi ka abala. Kung ano man 'yong gusto mong sabihin, puwede mong sabihin sa 'kin ngayon. You know that I don't like it when you never tell me things."
"The thing is... it looks like my memory's starting to come back to me." sinubukan kong dahan-dahanin ang mga sasabihin ko dahil ayaw ko siyang mabigla.
"Since when?"
"Today."
A long pause followed my answer. I don't know what he's feeling right now. Is he now angry at me?
"I-I see."
"But don't worry, I know these feelings for him will fade soon after. Love–"
"It won't."
Natigilan ako sa sagot niya. "What do you mean?"
"I expected that this day will come, if not immediately, then maybe gradually." he stifled a fake laugh. "Don't worry about me, I've already thought of the things I need to do once this happened."
"Look, I don't want things to be weird between us. I just told you because I don't know what I should do. We're in a relationship and hindi ibig sabihin na may naaalala ako, iiwan na kita."
Bumuntong-hininga siya. "Are you staying because you don't want to hurt me?"
Hindi ako makasagot.
"You should go after him."
"What are you saying, Spencer? I'm going to stay with you because I'd love to."
"Huwag na tayong maglokohan, Lauren. Before, don't you think I won't notice how you look at him differently than the other guys? I've always envied him for being able to make you do that."
I ran my hands on my hair and started grabbing it in frustration. This feels horrible. Shouldn't I have told him?
"Your heart always knew what you wanted. It beats helplessly for him. My envy can't make your heart do anything like that. The best I could do is to not stop you. That's because I love you." his voice is already on the verge of breaking.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
"Yeah."
The more that I hear his voice, the more that I hesitate to leave.
"You're still thinking that your Mom might disown you if you chose to be with him, right? Ako nang bahala." his shaky tone changed into a reassuring one.
"But—"
"I'll be mad at you if you don't chase him back. Also, don't think that I'll treat you bitterly after this. Just show me that you're happy loving him, and it will make me happy too."
"T-Thank you, Spencer." I can't stop tearing up.
"Lauren..." he called me. "...can we still be friends?"
"Why are you asking me that weird question? Of course we can. You're one of the best people that I've had in my life." I look like an idiot smiling with tears draping on my cheeks.
"Thank you. If you still have something to say, you can tell me."
"I'm going now. Always take care."
"Yeah, go get 'em!"
Natawa na lamang ako at ibinaba ang tawag. Kasabay noon ay napahawak na lamang ako sa buhok ko nang umihip ang napalakas ngunit napakabanayad na hangin.
Hinigit ko ang maleta at tumakbo papalabas ng memorial cemetery.
---
"Excuse me, excuse me. Pasensya na po." nakisiksik ako sa mga taong nakasalubong ko.
Aero told me this is the venue for that competition. It's a little cramped inside since a lot of people are trying to get in.
As soon as nakapasok ako sa venue ay siya agad ang hinanap ng mga mata ko. Sandali kong iniwan ang maleta ko sa mga guard habang pilit na nakikipagsiksikan at walang pag-aalinlangang nagtatanong sa ibang taong naroroon.
They all pointed to one thing.
A painting.
Pinagkakaguluhan din ito ng mga tao kaya bahagya akong nahirapan na tingnan ito sa malapitan.
Stupid Lauren. This is no time to be at awe at his creation. You need to find him.
Luminga-linga ako sa paligid at hindi siya nakita roon. Umikot pa 'ko sa ibang pasilyo at ilang beses pa akong nasita ng guard nang mapansin nitong sinusubukan kong tumakbo.
Lahat ng sulok na ata ng venue ay nalibot ko. Napahawak na lamang ako sa tuhod ko habang naghahabol sa 'king hininga.
But as soon as I raised my head, the sight of a familiar figure walking away from the venue. Maraming tao pa ang naroroon sa labas ngunit agad akong tumakbo sa exit upang habulin siya.
I froze upon seeing a girl walking beside him. He even tried holding her head and disheveling her hair. The girl playfully hit her as he looked at her in annoyance. But that annoyance turned into a smile.
It looks like I'm already too late... again.
I don't know what's gotten into me to do the next thing that I did.
"BEAU!"
It echoed throughout the area. He doesn't seem to hear me, so I repeated it once again. This time, it's louder.
"BEAU!"
He looked around, but he continued walking when he didn't see me.
"BALDO, YOU DUMMY!"
The girl turned around. To my surprise, it was Ines. She's wearing the same expression but mixed with confusion.
Sa wakas, natawag ang atensyon niya. Kasama na rin ang atensyon ng ibang tao na nagtataka kung anong nangyayari.
Namilog ang mata niya nang makita ako. He looks like he's trying to say something, but can't get it out.
I ran to him without hesitation and before he could utter a word I held him so tight as I pulled him closer to me. He flinched and I used that chance to give his lips a kiss.
Dinig kong napasinghap si Ines maging ang ilang tao sa paligid namin.
Ilang sandali siyang nanatiling natuod sa kaniyang kinatatayuan. I savored the softness and plumpness of his lips before parting to it. I almost doesn't want to let go when I felt my heart beating really fast.
Hanggang sa pagdilat ko ay bakas pa rin sa mukha niya ang di pagkapaniwala.
"What are you doing?"
His words splashed in me like cold water.