Taemin only believes in the things he can see.
He believes in the Earth's axis because the sun comes up in the morning and down before nightfall. He believes in recycling because pollution is apparent in the black smog that fills the top of his head as he walks the street. He believes in Math because numbers always add up and the solution never changes. He believes in the Korean language because reciting English verses in class is harder than reciting old poems and stories. He believes in a balanced diet because the meat special is not at all special and scary at best, and that it's safer to go with the soup because it looks good, has discernibly cut vegetables and smells a hell lot better too.
"You have a little bit of mustard on your lips, Soojung." He points out, swiping a thumb past the corner of her lips. He grins because he sees her grin and tucks her head in, leaning close just so to bump his shoulder.
"Thanks."
Taemin believes that the twinkle in Soojung's eyes when she mouths 'I love you' a beat later is because she loves him. And he believes he loves her back because he thinks his eyes twinkle just the same.
* * * *
They don't.
And he only realizes this when they are driving home one night, fighting and cursing at each other in the comfort of his car.
There's a troublesome storm out, pelting his windows with huge raindrops but neither of them care as they scream obscenities at each other's expense. Soojung hates that he puts his academics before her, that he forgets dates and special occasions and her birthday. Taemin hates that she only cares for the most frivolous of things—like art class and book club and makeovers. He hates that she nags (screams) and she hates that he forgets (neglects) and really, why were they still together though?
Taemin is so angry he doesn't notice the red light going off or the cloaked figure that begins to step out to cross the street. The rain pelts a thick veil over his window and he only manages to swerve an inch from the passerby before skidding, toppling over and rolling along the abandoned street and then crashing finally against a tree.
He comes to moments later, squints and sees immeasurable shapes. Noises are distant, blurred as blood rushes to his ears, flooding his head with too much at a time. Bright, fuzzy lights of red and blue flashing before him when blinks and tries to make sense of what had happened, where he was and why it'd come to this.
He faintly thinks to check on Soojung beside him, reaching for her in the blur of his vision.
She's not there for some reason but when he lets his hand fall his fingers catch the length of her hair, strangely dry despite it always being smooth and silky. The rain continues to pelt outside, splashing in on the side of his face and on his hand as he tries to grip (pull) her hair.
She's not reacting. She's too quiet.
"Soojung?" he gasps out but she doesn't answer. All he hears is the rush of voices clambering towards them. All he feels is a weight being lifted off of him.
His fingers stay clutched within her tresses as he fades out to darkness.
* * * *
Taemin is immobile and strapped to a bed when he comes to—wheezing for air as though he had not breathed in years. The room is stark white and bright, the sun shining through the open window beside him but he doesn't know this because all he sees is blurred shapes and light.
Someone comes in—a doctor, probably, he thinks—to check on him, stopping by his side with a voice meant to soothe and telling him that he is glad to see he's finally awake.
You suffered from a minor internal bleeding caused by the trauma exerted from the crash. The car flipped over so suddenly but a mass managed to cover your head and helped lessen the surprise impact of the airbag. You hit your head pretty bad still because of the force was harder than we hoped—and you might have opened your eyes just in time with your windshield breaking inwards. Some shards got into your eyes though they weren't sharp enough to penetrate the cornea. The hospital's Head of Opthamology managed to get them all out without complications right after you were brought in, but we will have to replace it the damaged cornea very soon. We've already looked into the donors' list to see if there's a pair that match you. It's okay though since it's the least susceptible to Graft's disease. (pause) Anyway, you won't be able to see for awhile but you survived and that's all that matters.
Taemin only blinks, not listening. He doesn't really even hear him.
"Soojung?" he asks faintly, his voice hoarse, dry. Like her hair, he muses stupidly and blanches.
The doctor purses his lips and looks down.
And Taemin just knows.
* * * *
His parents are rightfully worried, screaming and crying at hospital staff Taemin has yet to see or meet. He hears them demand the best care for him; his mother wailing at the fact that one of his legs is in a hard cast while his father swears about how he'll have to miss his last exam (one he doesn't even need to take).
His best friend Kai, however, reacts unusually.
"I told you not to leave the party angry."
Taemin shrugs in response, not really knowing what to say. Kai doesn't seem to like that very much because then he bristles and curses under his breath.
"I'm going to talk to Soojung's older sister. She's beside herself and their parents won't be here till the day after." He pauses, waiting for something Taemin doesn't know what, "Did you want me to tell her something?"
"Like what?"
"Anything."
Taemin shakes his head. He has nothing to say. He doesn't even think he deserves to say anything at all.
Not even 'I'm sorry'.
* * * *
Her parents don't blame him but his sister, Sooyeon, does.
"You're a jerk. How could you just sit there and not—You dated her for years! She loved you!"
Taemin only stares ahead until she leaves sobbing.
He hears but doesn't see and so he doesn't believe the meaning of her words.
* * * *
A warm hand wraps around his arm as he stares, blindly, out at the window.
His parents are gone for the day, his friends dwindling off just hours before and he is alone in his thoughts. The touch jolts him awake, though he is sure he hasn't slept in days. He only stares out, not really speaking, waiting for something but not knowing what for.
"My name is Choi Jinri." The owner of the hand says, her voice soft and melodious and special. He thinks it's pretty, her name. He believes it matches the beauty in her voice.
"I'll be your nurse," she says, "We'll be good friends, Mr. Lee."
He doubts this very much—as pretty as her voice is, he doesn't believe in making friends with medical personnel at all.
But he nods anyway.
* * * *
Day 3:
"I heard that you go to Seoul University for your second degree. I finished my Nursing degree at a community college in the province. I was just really lucky to get this job in Seoul. What are you taking in SU?"
Day 6:
"I really like strawberries. There was a magazine I read once about it being the dirtiest fruit—like literally—but I don't really care. It's sweet and sour and just so good. What's your favorite fruit?"
Day 10:
"My favorite book right now is Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. I don't know why, I guess I like the idea of a tournament. That and Emma Watson is pretty. What do you like to read?"
Day 12:
"Don't you think the apple is a little weird? Sometimes its round, sometimes triangular... there's a green variety, a red one and then another that's a mix of the two. There's a sweet one and sour one and I don't know—I was just thinking, you know? What do you think is weird?"
Day 15:
"I hated math when I was in school but your mom says you really like it. Is that why you're taking up robotics? Because of the math, and you know, robots?"
Day 19:
"We're going take you off of some of your meds tomorrow. Are you ready for Physical Therapy? Don't worry, it's just basically exercise—unless you know you hate that sort of thing?"
* * * *
Nurse Choi is nice enough but Taemin thinks she talks too much and asks too many questions.
He tells his best friend, Kai, so but all he gets as a reply is a question thrown back at him.
"Why don't you tell her to shut up then?" Kai asks and Taemin imagines him rolling his eyes as he fidgets with his smartphone.
"I told you... she's nice. She doesn't talk to me like I'm four. It might hurt her feelings if I tell her to piss off." He replies, shrugging though inside he's unconvinced of his own answer. He hears his best friend scoff and he struggles to keep from kicking his still-tapered leg at him. "Plus I like her voice. I don't mind her talking, really. I just wish she'd ease up a little."
They fall silent for a moment and when Kai finally responds it turns out to be a little terser than either of them expected.
"You've never had a problem telling Soojung to shut up though."
* * * *
"I can't believe you! How could you forget my birthday? I'd told you about this dinner a thousand times! You know my sister's coming over to meet you—she knows all about you and I've been dying to introduce you to her since forever!"
"Geez, Soojung, there's always next tim—"
"And when will that be, huh? Unni's been working in Paris since I was in middle school and it's almost impossible for her to come back to visit because of the airfare. The one night she's here and you fucking forget! Why do you do that? I never forget any of your events even though they bore me to death—"
"Then don't fucking go! I don't need you for those anyway."
"How could you say that—I—you— " (tears are shoved away; pause, reload) "And another thing, because I know you hate parties—fucking rich now since you were at one when I called you—I decided not to throw one so you could be comfortable. Why can't you do this one little thing for me? I love my sister and I love you so much and all I want is—"
"Shut up, Soojung. Just shut up."
"I will not you arrogant son of a—Look out!"
Their fight replays in his head that night. He sees the blinding light and Soojung's eyes widening in horror as she lunges onto him. He hears the horrible sounds of glass cracking in and metal breaking. Soojung screams all throughout—
And then silence.
Taemin wakes up in darkness and his heart in his throat.
* * * *
He is in Rehab when Nurse Choi comes to check up on him again. Taemin hears her greet his therapist happily, chatting for a minute before excusing him for a walk.
A walk isn't needed but she says it doesn't mean it won't help. And though he would never admit it, he actually kind of think it does.
Not that he doesn't walk enough in therapy. It's just that he prefers to hear her talk outside of the stuffy hospital, where the air is cool and the sun hits his face in just the right way. Nurse Choi guides him as they walk, holding his arm gently with her soft, warm hands. He has to use a walking stick for a bit longer but he finds he doesn't mind as much anymore.
"How long have you been working for this hospital?"
"Turning a year officially next month. I'm only twenty-two."
"So you're my age."
"Yep." She laughs. "You're my first patient. Scared yet?"
He mock-shudders. "Oh, lucky me."
"You were assigned to someone else before. One of the senior nurses but your doctor thought it'd be best if someone younger handled you instead. I'm a chatterbox and while I'm very new in the hospital, I've got excellent recommendations from my internship advisors. Doctor Shim said that since we're the same age, I'd be able to help you psychologically too..."
They stop for a moment as she pauses, patting his arm. He imagines her biting her lip while thinking of what else to say.
"I'm sorry," she says finally, "it's a terrible loss. You must be devastated even though you don't show it."
"Because she died and I lived?" Taemin asks humorlessly.
Nurse Choi doesn't respond to that and they carry on their walk in silence.
When Taemin gets back for his second round of rehab, he retracts his previous thought about walking helping his injuries.
It doesn't. It only magnifies the ache in his chest.
* * * *
It's not like they're really friends in the first place.
She is his nurse, and he is her patient. The boundaries are set and he believes they should be followed.
"Sorry about earlier, Mr. Lee."
"Please, it's Taemin... and it's okay. You really do talk too much."
Taemin thinks she makes it hard though, as he hears her laugh and squeeze his hand. It was be nice to have a friend who didn't hate him for what happened.
"Shut up," she scolds him playfully, "and it's Jinri."
* * * *
His doctor tells him they've found him a pair of corneas that match his type perfectly. The surgery will be quick and easy and he'll be able to see in no time at all.
Taemin thinks he should be elated but all he feels is dread.
He isn't sure he wants to see. He isn't sure if he wants to see how his parents look, or Kai, or Soojung's parents.
(But he does want to see Jinri, and he doesn't know why.)
"Do you remember anything from the accident?"
They're out on a walk again, though this time they're just sitting on a bench. Jinri sounds weary, tired from her work schedule but still chatty all the same. Taemin finds comfort in that somehow.
He answers truthfully. "Bits and pieces."
"Like what?" she ask, wounding her arm with his.
"Rain, mostly. The light and all the sounds of my car crashing. Someone crossing the street..." He pauses, unsure of how to proceed, "I remember her screaming 'Look out' and lunging towards me. She always had her seatbelt on but I dunno why she wasn't wearing it that night."
"She was protecting you."
"She hated me as much as she said she loved me. I don't believe she meant to protect me at all."
"But she did." She argues her tone soft and comforting. He felt her fingers lightly touch his and he thinks he feels much better this way than all of the therapy sessions help his health. "What was her name?"
"Soojung. Jung Soojung."
"Pretty name." Their fingers link, and for the life of him, they don't pull away. "Do you miss her?"
Taemin hadn't thought of that yet but he answers because Nurse Choi deserves one (no matter how uncertain it is),
"I guess so."
They hold hands more, while they walk.
Taemin doesn't know if he can believe he could feel so good with someone without seeing them but he's beginning to see the beauty in trusting the unseen.
* * * *
Kai drops by a day before the surgery.
"I was angry," he says, sitting on the foot of his bed instead of the chair beside it, "You know how I felt about Soojung before. I was happy for both of you, of course, but I was never really able to shake her off my mind."
"I know," Taemin knows and he understands, "I'm sorry it had to end like this."
"Yeah," he replies, sad and dejected, "me too."
* * * *
Jinri stays with him when the day of the surgery comes because his parents won't be able to. She says it nonchalantly but he can tell she's a little disturbed. He's used to it, but she isn't—she'd told him enough about her family to know they were always (always) there for each other.
"I'm excited to finally see your eyes. I bet they're pretty."
Taemin laughs (an actual laugh), "Are you flirting with me?"
"What?! No!" She sputters and he likes to imagine her blushing hard as he laughs some more, "Oh shut up. It's not like you haven't been flirting with me either."
"What—me?! I have not."
"Pssh, so are all the fingers linking when we walk just mine?"
It's his turn to sputter, grateful that he can't see her reaction just yet.
"Fine, maybe I am—and maybe I like walking that way. Got a problem with that?"
She's quiet for a moment and he hears her move towards him. Her fingers touch his and the quiet warm feeling fills him.
"I like it too. I don't have a problem with it at all."
* * * *
He lives to see another day. Quite literally.
* * * *
"Glad to see the whole of your face." Jinri greets him, tone sweet and happy and he knows it her even without turning. "Seeing right?"
Taemin nods, waving her in as he shoved things into his bag. He's standing on his own two feet finally, sans the walking stick—loving the stark white color of his room he'd not seen at all in weeks. "Yeah, I'm seeing fine."
"Well," she starts, stopping beside him. Her hands are at her sides, palms open upward as she gestures over herself. "What do you think?"
"About what?" He deadpans, grinning. She wrinkles her nose at him.
"How do I look?" Jinri asks him, blushing as soon as the words come out of her mouth and he turns to look (really look) at her for the first time.
His eyes linger at her face for a whole minute after an onceover, his smile widening as she holds her breath. "Beautiful," he says and he means it because he believes it.
"Ready to go?" Taemin asks her minutes later after he's done packing, extending his hand in her direction which she takes with no hesitation.
"Just let me grab my coat," she says, pulling him out with a flourish—pulling on a light grey coat hanging over the nurse's station.
He stops short at the sight of the jacket, the material catching light and blinding him for a moment. He hears Soojung's screams and feels the weight pound on his head. He heaves but doesn't let his distress show. He can't, he won't. Shit.
Jinri doesn't notice anything wrong but he does.
Taemin recognizes the coat because it is the same he'd seen that day Soojung died.