TW// mention of drug use.
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Maybe we'll cry whilst hopeful
When we think about the past being cruel
Got a thought for those who start to think of love
As the pursuit of a fool
It's a palace from ruin
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Harlow Dean
Harry is a fucking psychic I swear.
How he manages to keep pulling pieces of the truth from me like it's nothing I don't know. First it was the 'wanting to be found' thing and now it's the feed of intimacy. What's next, he predicts the day I die?
Because if that's the case, make it soon.
The past few hours have been hectic. I fell asleep on the couch in my office, by the time I got over my breakdown I was exhausted. My cheeks were stained with tears and I was far too embarrassed to book a taxi home or ask Demi for a ride. I slept for at least six hours which is record breaking time for me and then I drove myself home to shower and feed Willow.
Now I'm here in sweatpants and a hoodie at least twelve sizes too big because I wasn't expecting anyone. Until Harry rocked up in a scarily similar outfit with coffee and a vegan bagel.
Twice in a row he's showed up with a coffee for me, twice too many. He's just doing it because he feels he has to and he shouldn't. I have my own coffee and I'd rather he did things because he wanted to, not because he feels bad for me.
"Is it true?" He asks, snapping me back to reality, reminding me I've been zoned out for the past few minutes.
He knows it's fucking true.
"Yup," I say, taking a sip from the coffee he brought.
He looked at me disheartened as our eyes met, his thumb pulled on the bottom of his lip like he was thinking. I hate the silence consuming the room right now because I knew I shouldn't have admitted it.
It's so pathetic. Imagine being afraid of intimacy, something that should usually be beautiful. It's so embarrassing and now he's gonna think I'm some fucked up freak.
He wouldn't be too wrong, but that doesn't mean I don't want him to think that of me.
"That's really sad birdy." He finally says through a sigh.
"Yeah, welcome to my life." I respond with a slight smile.
That's enough opening up for one day. If that's all he wanted then he can go now. I'm grateful for the coffee and the bagel, I'm grateful for him offering to forget about my breakdown but I'm sure that's all he wanted, he can go now.
I like it when I'm all dressed up and confident, not when I'm slightly hungover with the biggest bags under my eyes. This isn't someone I want to be in front of Harry but at this moment in time, I don't want to be anyone in front of him.
Last night still haunts me. I can't believe I let my own fucked sick head ruin things for me and leave me with this heavy weight of second hand embarrassment to carry around.
"I used to do heroin." Harry says unexpectedly, holding eye contact as he spoke.
What?
He just said that out loud like it was part of the conversation and I don't know how I'm supposed to react. Heroin is dangerous and I'm not judging him at all, that's not what I'm doing in the slightest. I'm just surprised he's come out and said that like it was nothing.
I'm confused, I don't understand at all. If he wants to open up and talk about it I'll sit here and listen without judgment however I don't know where this has come from, he just said it from nowhere.
"I've only done it five or six times but one more and I don't think I'd ever be able to stop. Coke isn't much better but it makes me feel free, that feeling is addictive." Harry adds, breaking the silence with his words that send numerous thoughts through my brain.
That glimpse I caught of him the night he stayed in my spare room is now made so much clearer now.
I never realised the extent of his own issues, I knew he had some but I didn't realise they were this deep. Guilt hits me like a truck and I don't know why. It's the hard exterior he wears and the evil expression that creates such an interesting character, deep down he's troubled and I'm guessing this is only a minor insight to the chaotic world he lives in.
Still I remain unsure of what to say, unsure of why he's even telling me this but perhaps it was out of pity. Perhaps he thought if he shared a secret with me I'd feel better about my stupid little fears.
"You didn't have to tell me that Harry." I add, offering him a reassuring smile because thst's the best I seem to be able to do right now.
I don't know if this is a touchy subject or not. I don't know if this is a chapter he always skips past like I do with the chapters in by book. Therefore I don't know how to react.
"I wanted to though. You called yourself fucked up last night and you're not, you're just having a hard time. So I showed you real fucked up. Whilst you're facing your caffeine addiction, I'm facing my drug one. You're not as fucked up as you say you are birdy." Harry reassures.
I literally have no fucking idea what he means by any of that.
It sounded reassuring though, I'll take it.
"You don't know me well enough Harry." I reply, doubt coating my words.
It's true, we barely know each other. Not well enough to make such bold assumptions like this anyway, but apparently that's just Harry's speciality. He seems to be able to read me like a book and for that, I applaud him. It's not an easy task.
He leaned forward, placing his elbows on the desk and the words that followed were unpredictable. "Then let me."
Every male who gets to know me has ruined my life, what makes Harry different other than the fact he's one of the first men I've kissed in months. Even that was crossing boundaries, yet I didn't seem to mind.
Would letting him get to know me really be that bad? Maybe I can just conceal certain parts of my life, the dark corners can remain unlit and Harry can become more than an acquaintance, a friend.
I don't think I can. The thought of it terrifies me and my circle is small, I like it the size it is. My circle consists of work friends and work friends only, in my personal life there's just me and it's comfortable.
I love being alone but hate feeling lonely...
"What's with the sudden change of tone? You did nothing but think I want to sleep with you for the past few days." I ask him a little more passive aggressively than I intended.
It was just days ago where he earned a slap after manhandling me like a fucking toy. That was the same day my window broke because Daniel threw a rock through my window. Also the same night I had Luna giving him a lap dance, I think if she did that now it would definitely strike a nerve.
It's funny how things change so quickly.
"I don't know if you've forgotten but we are supposed to be faking a relationship Harlow. I'm starting to like you a little more each day, makes things a little easier doesn't it?" He explains, sitting back again with his left hand hovering in front of his chin.
Thanks for the reminder Harry, I forgot this was just a deal.
Wait, fuck.
That's what last night was ... The kiss wasn't really anything was it?
Of course it wasn't, not everyone falls into a panic attack every time someone gets slightly affectionate.
Something that felt like such a big deal to me was nothing to him. He kisses lots of women, I was just one of many he's kissed and I doubt he could even set me apart from the others.
Whatever, it was a one time thing.
The breakdown that came from the kiss confirmed that.
"Yeah...erm I'll see you tonight? I've got a lot to do and I need to-"
"I'll see you tonight birdy. It's Liam's birthday so feel free to join us." Offers Harry with a smile, moving to the edge of his seat in a way to state his departure.
I was actually hoping to avoid them at all costs, especially after last night but I should probably join them for a little while to be nice. I'll put two bottles of champagne on their table and maybe give them a few free rounds but I'm not spending a whole night off the job again.
I'm still suffering the consequences from last night, both physically and mentally.
I fucking kissed him.
Stupid, so stupid.
I didn't say anything on Harry's exit, I just gave him a friendly smile and watched him disappear out the door the way he would've last night. He came here and apologised, that really tugged on the strings on my heart because it was my fault. It always is.
I was too forward, wasn't I?
Maybe when he asked to kiss me then went off on that rant he was going to say nevermind and I just rudely interrupted him. I shouldn't have done that.
Tonight will be different. We'll act like the couple everyone thinks we are and I'll fake my smiles. I won't kiss Harry and I won't even drink, it's safer that way. For both my own sanity and the sake of everyone else around.
I need to wear something interesting tonight, something that'll manage to boost my confidence because it's vanished since last night. I mean I'd love to turn up in sweats and hide myself from everyone but that's not very 'living my life like it's filmed in slow motion' of me.
It is me I'm dressing up for...I promise.
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So if anyone has any tips on how to grow this book...let me know...
Anyway, chapter 24 is looking exciting;)