"A heart on the run keeps a hand on the gun
It can't trust anyone.
I was so sure what I needed was more,
Tried to shoot out the sun.
In days when we raged, we flew off the page
Such damage was done;
But I made it through, coz somebody knew
I was meant for someone."
* * *
One year ago.
This time there was no church. There was a chapel a few hours west of the farm that Izzie briefly considered, but Alex shot it down. The only thing he wanted for this wedding was her, the kids, and their home.
"And Anh," Eli and Alexis insisted in one voice.
"And Anh," Alex agreed.
So they kept it simple.
There were flowers, of course; phlox and wild violet, spiderwort and redbud, a riot of wildflowers that turned the western pasture into a gorgeous patchwork quilt of bloom. Anh, beaming and teary, helped Eli and Alexis gather masses of blooms into a bouquet for Izzie to carry.
Izzie's dress was simpler this time, too: pale, pale pink, like the inside of a petal. It reminded Alex of the dress she wore on their first date, how she looked waiting for him at Joe's. She wore her hair in a cascade of loose curls; Alex thought she looked about seventeen years old and as beautiful as she'd ever been.
He waited for her under a stand of sassafras trees; they hadn't even had to discuss the location, because they both knew it was Izzie's favorite place on the farm. And as Izzie walked through the flowers toward Alex, she didn't stumble once. She brushed a fallen yellow bloom off his shoulder when she reached him, and when he kissed her, their children screamed in equal parts joy and mock horror.
They'd wanted Meredith there – but as the covid cases started to soar in Seattle, it soon became apparent it was not going to happen. She sent them a lovely card and a magnum of champagne, and that night, Izzie and Alex couldn't sleep for being tipsy and giddy on joy and bubbles.
Anh brought a proper camera and took almost 300 photos, but Alex's favorite – the one he insisted they put on the wall, the one he printed and put in his wallet – was taken by Alexis. It shows Izzie, looking at the camera, with Alex standing slightly behind her, looking at her. Both their faces are aglow, and their hands are linked in a heart-shaped knot.
* * *
Today.
"He's cheating on me."
Dylan doesn't answer at first. He finishes filling his and Izzie's glasses with pinot grigio and walks back to the couch. Izzie, her knees tucked up under her chin, reaches for the wine, but instead of handing it to her, Dylan sets it down on his coffee table. He sits down next to her, and with great love and gentleness, reaches out and flicks her on the nose.
"Hey!"
"You're an idiot."
"That hurt," she grumbles, rubbing her nose. She swipes her wine glass from the table and takes a gulp.
"You do not actually think he's cheating on you," Dylan says as he settles back against the couch cushions. His voice is bored and slightly amused. "Right?"
Izzie rolls her eyes. "Okay, no, not really."
"That's what I thought."
She waves the piece of paper she's been clutching in her fist since she arrived at Dylan's condo in his face. "But something is definitely going on. Why else would he do this?"
He takes the paper from her and looks over it again. "Why would he arrange for him and his wife to have a romantic anniversary weekend at an AirBnB without children?"
"Yes!"
"Because he loves you."
She smiles at that. "He does. But—"
"Because you've been working on opposite schedules for the past nine months, quarantining and helping the kids with the school and basically never seeing each other except for the one day a month you overlap at the hospital."
"Well, yeah—"
"And because now that things are calming down, and you don't have to quarantine anymore, and there's a chance for both of you to breathe, maybe, just maybe, he wants to have hot, dirty bed-and-breakfast sex with his wife."
She's chuckling now as she snatches the note back from him. "Okay, enough."
She reads it again; it's probably the sixtieth time today. Alex had been gone when she woke up this morning – she vaguely remembers him getting an emergency page sometime during the predawn hours. She'd stumbled into the kitchen to find a steaming pot of coffee and her favorite mug waiting for her on the counter – one of the tiny married rituals she and Alex do for each other on the days they can't start their mornings together.
But today was different. Today there had been this note.
"But seriously – I do not catch any whiff of anything weird about this." Dylan finally takes a drink and levels her a frank look. "So why are you really freaking out?"
She takes Alex's note back and studies it quietly. She notices, not for the first time, that Eli makes his a's and k's the same way his father does. It makes her heart skip a sweet series of beats.
"Izzie. C'mon. What's up?"
"What if... what if it's getting to him?"
Dylan cocks his head to the side. "What do you mean?"
"All of it... the grind of parenting and working and having no time for romance. I mean, last time we had sex I jumped out of bed when it was over to start a load of laundry because neither of us had any clean work clothes, and he had to run into the living room to help the kids with their online learning." She drains the rest of her wine and looks at the empty glass glumly. "We just... we didn't get a chance to do any of the fun, sexy stuff this time. We found each other again and it was just, bam, instant family, with all the stuff that comes with it." She waves the note through the air. "What if this is his way of telling me that he needs more than what I've been giving him?"
She ought to have seen it coming, but she still fails to dodge as her friend flicks her in the nose again.
"Damn it, Rees, would you stop that?!"
"Is it getting to you?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The grind. The no time for romance. The in-between-laundry-and-Zoom-classes sex."
She shakes her head. "Of course not."
"Are you happy, then?"
A memory flashes into her brain, unbidden, to a month ago, after the last of the covid surges. Shawnee County Hospital was no longer requiring all hands on deck at all hours; she and Alex had, for the first time in months, come home at the same time, spent an evening with their children, and gotten into bed at the same time. She remembers how Alex had banded his arm around her waist as he pulled her back against his chest, how he'd fallen asleep in minutes with his face buried in the spread of her hair. She remembers waking up in the middle of the night, the familiar, heavy weight of his arm over her, and how she'd fallen back asleep with grateful tears in her eyes.
She thinks about the comfortable joy she feels every time she watches him with their children. She thinks about the way his hand lingers on the small of her back every time he passes her in the hall. She thinks about the glow of pride she feels when he tells her about another new advancement in the peds department, the program that he's building into something truly great.
Izzie has been extraordinarily lucky in her lifetime, but she never feels quite as lucky as she does when she looks at her husband.
"Of course I am," she answers softly. "I mean, I'm exhausted, but I'm as happy as I've been in years."
"I know you are. Go home."
She starts to protest, but he takes her wine glass away from her and hauls her up off the couch. "Alex knew what he was getting when you got back together. He wanted it. He wanted the kids and he wanted the grind and he wanted you."
"He did, didn't he?" It still makes her heart take flight to think about it, how after years alone, after loss after loss, she had a life with the man she'd always loved.
"Go home, Izzie. And hey – enjoy your vacation."
* * *
With her apprehensions put to rest, Izzie starts to get excited about the prospect of the trip. Like, really excited. She takes a rare day off and spends part of it getting her hair and nails done. On the way home that night she buys new underwear and a sexy set of silky pajamas.
Alex raises one eyebrow when he sees her arrange these items in their shared suitcase as she packs the Thursday before the trip.
"You got some kind of big plans for this trip?" he asks, tracing one finger over a lacy black hem.
"Maybe," she teases. "Think you can handle it?"
He makes a face as though deep in thought. "I think if I can handle you in those ratty Minnie Mouse pajamas, I can handle just about anything."
"Excuse you." She pokes a playful finger into his chest. "Those Minnie jammies are classic. I don't break those out for just anyone."
He catches her by the waistband of her jeans and pulls her in close. "I mean, don't get me wrong, they're very sexy. But I'm not gonna argue with an upgrade."
"You're getting wise in your old age, Dr. Karev."
"Hey." A shadow of an indignant expression moves over his handsome face. "Not that old."
"It's a perk, in my opinion." She brushes her lips over his lightly. "Better with age like a fine wine and all that."
"Better watch out or I'll show you just how young and virile I can be."
Izzie chuckles at this. "That's a threat I can get behind."
Her chuckle turns into a full-blown raucous laugh as Alex swoops down and scoops her up into his arms, twirling her around like a little kid. She bands her arms around his neck and throws her head back in joy.
"Grossssssss!" a pair of voices chorus from the door.
Alex stops spinning his wife around as they both turn their laughing faces towards the door. Eli and Alexis are crossing their eyes, slumping against the doorframe and making exaggerated gagging sounds. First grade has brought them to the wise, seasoned opinion that everything their parents do is either "goofy" or "gross."
Putting Izzie down, Alex points an accusing finger at the kids. "What? You don't want to see how much your mom and dad love each other?" he jokes.
"No way!" Eli shouts.
"Bleck!" Alexis adds.
"Well then, guess I'll just have to show off how much I love you two rotten kids."
And with that he roars and leaps towards them in chase. The twins shriek with glee and dart off down the hall. Alex pauses before he leaves the room and gives Izzie a look that makes her heart take off at a gallop.
"Pack the Minnie jammies too. Just in case."
She gives him a slow, sexy grin. "Yes sir."
This trip was going to be amazing. How had she ever been anything but thrilled?
* * *
Finally, the day of their trip arrives. Izzie is so excited she's practically vibrating. Their house for the weekend is about four hours away – a gorgeous, renovated Victorian with a wraparound porch overlooking the Konza Prairie.
"All the bedrooms have fireplaces," she gushes to Alex as they pull up to the gas station. She's been looking at photos from the AirBnB since they dropped the kids at Anh's ten minutes before. "And – Alex, look at this tub!" She pinches her screen to enlarge the photo. "Oh my God, I would kill to have a claw foot tub like this at home."
Alex grins at her as he unbuckles his seatbelt. "So you're telling me for our next anniversary I should just buy you a bathroom renovation?"
"I also would accept having a second oven installed in the kitchen."
He pulls a thoughtful face. "Yeah, but you'll get naked in the tub."
"I'd get naked while baking for a second oven."
Her husband laughs and leans over. "Bluff called." His kiss lingers longer than it normally does, and they grin at each other when they draw apart. "Hold on to that thought," he tells her, then he slides out of the car to fill up the gas tank.
She busies herself with looking up local restaurants near the house for the weekend, glancing up only when she hears the faint tinny ring of Alex's phone outside the car. She does a double take when she sees him answer the call: his face, so relaxed and cheerful before, falls almost immediately.
He turns and walks away from the pump before she can hear what he's saying, but when he gets back into the car, she knows that the news isn't good.
"No!" Izzie gasps in dismay when he fills her in.
His face is stormy. "Yeah."
"They can't just cancel on us. Can they?"
He swipes to his email on his phone and holds it up for her to see the cancellation notice that has already appeared in his inbox. "They already did. The house's owner says the guests who were there last week tested positive for covid – the whole family. Says she needs to have the whole place deep cleaned before they'll let anyone else stay there."
"Covid is airborne," Izzie protests. "And we're both vaccinated! Did you tell her—"
"She doesn't want to get sued, Iz. I don't think anything I tell her is gonna matter."
They sit in stunned silence for a few minutes before a black Jeep pulls up behind them. The driver leans lightly on the horn, to which Alex gives a halfhearted wave. He buckles his seatbelt and turns the car back on. Instead of heading for the highway, he heads back towards the farm.
Izzie's eyes sting with tears. Given how skeptical about the vacation she was at first, she's surprised at how let down she feels now. She swipes at her eyes and glances back over at Alex. She sees the same disappointment on his face: his jaw is clenched so tight she can see the tic of muscles under the skin. She reaches out and covers Alex's hand with hers. It takes a minute, but he eventually turns his palm up to hold her hand.
By the time they make it back to the farm, Izzie's naturally optimistic brain has turned the corner; she's still bummed – seriously, that claw foot tub was the thing of her deepest fantasies – but she isn't willing to waste this chance to get some alone time with her husband.
Alex pulls up to the house and cuts the engine. He leans back in his seat, staring blankly out the windshield, finally glancing over at Izzie after she squeezes his hand.
"Hey," she says softly. She turns on her most flirtatious smile. "We might not be getting away, but we have an empty house for the first time in... maybe ever. What do you say I go dig out those sexy pjs?"
She expects him to jump at the offer. What she doesn't expect is his half-hearted shrug.
"Yeah, why don't you do that? I'm just gonna... I need to take a walk real quick first."
And before Izzie can react, he's out of the car and stalking off into the orchard.
* * *
Izzie puts on her lingerie and waits.
When Alex doesn't show up within twenty minutes, she gets out of their bed and runs through the house, collecting every candle they own. She sets them up in their bedroom, drawing the curtains and turning off the overhead lights, letting the candles' flickering glow fill the room. She gets back into bed and she waits.
When Alex doesn't show up after an hour, she starts to panic.
A thunderstorm rolls in from the west, sending sheets of rain crashing down on the roof. Their bedroom is almost as dark as night when – finally – Alex stumbles in, soaked to the bone, hair and clothing plastered to his body with rain.
Izzie climbs out of bed. "Alex!"
That tightness from before is still darkening Alex's face, but it fades a little when he looks at Izzie clad in black silk and lace, her hair tumbling down around her shoulders.
"Wow," he murmurs.
Before she can say anything else, he crosses the room in two huge strides, crushing Izzie against him. She gasps as his cold, wet clothes press against her body – but the sensation immediately fades when he kisses her, a roar of heat moving up through her body.
She gives in to the sensation for a minute, but only a minute. She breaks the kiss, pulls back and stares into Alex's face. He avoids her eyes, but she can still read him like a book.
She takes Alex's chin in her hand, forcing him to look her in the eye.
"You're disappointed," she states.
Alex shrugs. "I – yeah. Yeah, I'm disappointed."
"You were looking forward to this trip."
"Yeah."
"Alex." She leans her forehead against his and sighs. "I'm – I'm sorry."
He gives a slight, confused shake of his head. "What're you talking about?"
"I just..." She takes a step back and crosses her arms hard over her chest; she's cold and wet. "I know it's hard right now. I know how... I know right now it seems like everything in our life is just grind. I know that—"
Alex holds up a hand to interrupts her, striding over to their closet. He brings Izzie her fuzzy blue robe; it's easily the least sexy item of clothing she owns, but she smiles and pulls it over her lingerie.
"We're doctors," she goes on. "We're doctors during a pandemic. We're doctors who are also parents during a pandemic and we just... we don't have time for romance or sexy vacations or fun. And I know that sucks. I know – I know it's not necessarily what you signed up for when you left Seattle. When you left..."
She trails off, staring at the ground. They never talk about his other wife – the woman he left when he came back to their family. But she feels Jo Wilson's presence in their room now, hasn't stopped thinking about her since the call that canceled their vacation.
She clears her throat and starts over, still staring at her feet. "But Alex." She grabs his hands in hers and dares to look up into his eyes. "We will get back to that point. I promise you we will. Yes, we're in the weeds right now, but we won't always be. You just... Please just stick with me and I promise you we'll get there."
Alex no longer looks disappointed. Now he looks gobsmacked.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," he tells her.
"I—"
He puts up a hand, and Izzie's heart drops to see a flicker of frustration come over his expression. "You think I'm... not happy? With you and the kids?"
"No!" She puts her hand on his chest. "I know that you love them. I know that you love me. I just also know that... daily life when you're part of a family isn't always sexy or romantic or very much fun."
"What the hell, Izzie?" he says. He's full-on irritated now. "I don't care about that. I'm disappointed that our trip got cancelled, I'm not disappointed with our life."
"You just... You seemed really upset. So upset it seemed like there was... something more going on."
"Don't be stupid."
She is about to object to him calling her stupid, but he steps forward and kisses her again, passionate and tender and true. His tongue in her mouth drives away every other thought.
"Iz," he says when they finally break apart. "The romance and the sexiness and the fun are important, but they're not what gets me through the weeds."
"They're not?" she asks weakly.
"No." He reaches out and slowly peels her robe away from her shoulders. He slides the strap of her lingerie down her arm. "You're what gets me through. And now it's not just you, it's the kids too. It's Alexis and how I have never met a six-year-old so freakin' beautiful and stubborn. It's Eli and the way he says, 'You know what?' to me seven hundred times a day and tells me things about penicillin and bones and feathers."
Alex leans down to press a kiss onto her bare shoulder. Izzie slides her hands down his chest and takes the hem of his shirt in her hands. She slowly peels the wet fabric up and over his head, then tosses it across the room.
"It's getting to wake up with you every day," he goes on. He steps closer to her and guides her hands to his belt, which she slowly unbuckles. "It's getting to build something strong and real and good, getting to build a future. Knowing we're on a path to something great, together... That's what get me through. I'm not here for the flashy stuff, Iz; I'm here for the real stuff. I have always wanted that, and it has always been with you."
And with that, they tumble into their bed.
Later – after the storm has rolled past, after Izzie has curled herself around Alex's body and is drifting deliciously close to sleep – she hears him quietly say her name.
"Yeah?" She props herself up on one elbow to look down at him. She never gets tired of seeing him in her bed.
"I was disappointed. Not because I'm not happy with our life, or because it's not what I want... It's because I wanted to ask you something, and I wanted to make it special. That's why I planned the trip."
"Okay." She gives him a teasing smile. "Do you want a claw-foot bathtub? A second oven?"
He laughs at that. "No."
"You've got it. Just name it. Anything you want."
He takes a deep breath. She's briefly surprised to realize that Alex – assured, grounded, stubborn, certain Alex – is nervous.
"We should have another baby."
* * *
"You're insane."
"Trust me, I'm not denying that." Alex pops the cork off the champagne and fills the two glasses on the counter. He offers one to her. Izzie snatches the glass from his hand and drinks it down in one gulp, then gestures for him to fill it up again.
"You want to have another baby."
"Yes."
"With me?"
"Izzie."
"Sorry, sorry, I'm just..." She sips her drink again, watches Alex as he drinks his. He's been calm and steady while she spins out, his eyes never leaving hers as she paces around their kitchen, an amused half-smile on his face.
She paces in silence: back and forth, back and forth.
Another baby. Another set of chubby cheeks and dimples. Another sweet-scented head to breathe in during long dark nights.
Another baby.
Finally, she blurts out, "You know I can't just... get pregnant."
The smile on Alex's face fades somewhat. He reaches out to hold her hand. "I know."
"I'd have to do IVF again. And there's..." She shakes her head. "I'm older now. There's no guarantee it'll work."
"I know that too."
There are so many reasons to say no.
They'll never sleep. Forget sexy lingerie and vacations. They'll be buried in diapers and burp cloths and squishy, rattling toys.
"What brought this on?" she asks.
Alex lifts one shoulder, the way he does when something matters deeply to him and he doesn't want to show it. "I missed out on it, before." He brushes a light kiss over her mouth when he sees the regret pass over her face. "I'm not mad, Iz, you know that – we're way past that. But I just keep looking at the twins and I mean... they're so damn smart and so grown and it just makes me a little..."
"Wistful," she whispers. She knows the feeling.
"Yeah, exactly."
They're quiet for a few minutes, sipping their champagne.
Finally, Alex goes on, "It's not like I can't be happy if we can't have another baby. What we have now is great – better than great. It's everything. But I do think that we don't at least try I'll always, you know, wonder."
Izzie closes her eyes, thinking back to those long, dreamy, terrifying and beautiful days when it was just her and her two perfect babies. The way her love for them took root and bloomed. The way their lives anchored her, made her want to be stronger, kinder, better. The way seeing glimpses of Alex in their faces as they grew healed parts of her heart she hadn't known were still bleeding.
There are so many reasons to say no.
But Alex. Alex is more than enough of a reason to say yes.
"Yes," she says simply.
Alex stares at her. "Just... yes?"
She steps into his arms, settling against his chest where his heart is thrumming. "I love you," she says. "More than I've ever loved anyone. I'd have a hundred more babies if I was having them with you."
"Slow down there, lady," he jokes. "Let's start with one more."
Their laughter blooms into a kiss – the sweetest kiss she's ever known.
They're going to have a baby.