It's close to four in the morning, my usual bed time and yet for whatever reason tonight I can't sleep. The conversation I had earlier with my cousin and best friend Terra keeps replaying in my head over and over. I'm twenty-two years old, and yet I'm home every night, I have no friends, and I almost never leave the house. Hell, even my birthday was spent at home with my parents. The topic never came up directly but the common theme of ending up forever alone was present, looming like an unwanted rain cloud.
Instead of continuing to wallow in self-pity I decide to get up and do something to clear my head. I throw my warm comforter off and kick it the rest of the way down before getting up in search of my laptop. A quick once over of the nearly empty room lets me know I left it at home. I groan knowing my followers are going to be annoyed. I haven't updated my book on Spoodle in weeks thanks to arranging this trip.
I sigh, reminding myself to try and update from the phone app tomorrow.
Lying down on the floor I start doing crunches to pass the time instead. Over the past few years I've been transforming my mind and body. I've gone from two hundred and twenty pounds of barely any muscle at all to one hundred and seventy-five pounds of mostly lean weight. Thinking of the number I used to see on the scale I sit up even faster and start to throw my arms, shadow boxing the air as I come up.
A light sweat starts to form and I smile slightly but quickly grimace, this burns like a bịtch. I still have a couple of improvements I'd like to make, my arms and thighs could be more toned and my stomach isn't as flat as I'd like it to be. The thought of the pudgy flesh at the bottom of my abs makes me push myself harder, switching from crunches to leg lifts.
Stupid fûcking joey pouch!
My entire body is hot and my stomach and back are killing me but I won't stop now, just a few...more. I let out a loud groan and my limbs drop around me like an exploding Mr. Potato head.
Breathing out, I lift into a back bend to stretch out the muscles I just worked before getting up from the floor. After a quick shower I'm ready to get the few hours of sleep I have left until I have to be wide awake again.
~*~
Loud knocks on my hotel room door wake me from what can only be called a cat nap. I slip into my robe before yawning and opening the door for my mom. She's more excited for today than I am and I'm the one who did all of the work. I don't even acknowledge her as I trudge back to the bed falling face first into it.
"Oh no," she states, "rise and shine!" She smacks my butt before opening the shades.
I sit up only to be blinded by light and throw my face back into the bed.
"Girl!" I yell, muffled by the bed cushions, "Mama get out of here! I just want to sleep!"
I can almost hear her smile, I know she's enjoying this. The playful relationship we have now is a far cry from the irritation we constantly showed each other through my early teen years.
"Nope! You should've taken your ass to bed last night instead of being up writing!"
I roll my eyes behind my eyelids and sigh. She always thinks she knows what I'm doing.
"For your information missy I left my computer at home. I was trying to sleep but I couldn't so I got up and worked out. You should be so proud," I reply sarcastically, finally rolling off of the bed.
"It's your graduation day Bailey you should be excited. You worked so hard for this especially this last year and a half. I'm proud of you, your daddy's proud of you...are you proud of yourself?" she asks holding her head to the side. She reminds me of our dog Venom at home and it makes me smile.
"Sure ma, I'm proud. Most of all though I'm glad it's over," I shrug. I'm being honest. School was the most annoying experience of my life, just a bunch of people who like to hear themselves talk or in my case type.
I know she's not satisfied with my answer but I don't know what else to say. There's nothing exciting about being in a room full of people that I don't know and having them stare at my clumsy anxious aṣs walk across a stage. Besides the anxiety of this whole ordeal, I find it hard to be proud of myself even if I've done something really great. I'm not even sure how the emotion should feel.
She pulls me into a hug I didn't know I needed and I exhale, relaxing into her embrace.
"Don't worry about anything just focus on getting through today without falling. Your daddy and I have a pool running with your siblings and we can't afford to lose," she jokes, but more than likely she's completely serious.
I'm Bailey Grace Duncan and this is my life.
I was born on a muggy Friday morning in August, the 20th of 1993 to be exact. You'd think that means I like to party and I love the morning but neither sentiment is true. Mornings can go to hell and I'm so socially awkward my picture, name, address and a note begging for someone to hang out with me is beside the definition.
My entire life I've lived with a name that society deems unfit for my face. With cinnamon skin, stereotypically, you wouldn't expect me to be named Bailey let alone Bailey Grace. I've always loved my name but that look on people's faces gets to me in different ways. The expression that says "oh shit I was expecting you to be white but I'm trying to play it off as if I didn't." As funny as it is to see that expression now, when I was younger it wasn't comical at all, it was hurtful. I interpreted the look as disappointment rather than surprise and it curved my way of thinking about myself, but that's another story for another time.
Life as the youngest child of four in a lower middle class African American family was interesting to say the least. You'd think I would always have someone to play with and dote on me but that wasn't the case. Not to say that I was unloved as a child, there was plenty of that, but attention on the other hand is a bit of a different story. You start to learn that the two aren't synonymous when there are three kids who are very active in sports and only two parents. The attention gets spread a little thin and when you're the youngest and you don't do anything. You get the attention that your parents have time for.
I could complain about it but I won't, there were plenty of benefits.
I got away with a lot more with less attention focused on me. A lot of times my parents would forget to punish me for something I did because one of my older siblings had a game or a recital to attend. Another great thing I got out of it is I learned how to be independent and most importantly, be alone.
Looking at my older siblings I see how, because they're closer in age and always had someone, none of them really know how to be by themselves. They always need someone around and to be honest it's kind of sad.
My eldest two siblings, Mitch and Lina are only a year and a few months apart in age, Mitch being the oldest of us all. My older brother James is five years older than I am and three years younger than our sister so by the time I came along they all had a bond and stories from growing up together.
It was hard growing up in a house with your siblings but still feeling like the new kid in school. Even now that we're older they'll tell my brother in law funny stories that happened and I feel like he does, an outsider listening in.
I shake the melancholy thoughts from my head and walk over to the wide open window taking a look at the city. Austin, Texas is absolutely beautiful in the early morning sunrise. The way the sun shines off of the glass of the surrounding high-rises is breathtaking and makes my heart flutter in anticipation for the future.
The buildings remind me of huge full length mirrors and I turn away with a smile. I almost regret staying home in Graniteville and attending college online. From the looks of this city I could've had a lot of fun. One look in the bathroom mirror takes away the regret I started to feel.
My waist is slimmer and flatter, still not flat but instead of the three inch protrusion I used to have I'm down to a comfortable inch that I'm still working on. I don't have a thigh gap but fûck that, I've always loved my thick thighs and wider hips. My issue with them has always been cellulite, or as I like to call it hail damage from hell. Only Satan himself could've come up with an invention so torturous. Shorts and dresses were out of the question for years thanks to the dimples in my thighs but now I can wear them proudly knowing my hard work paid off and they're mostly smooth. The muscles in my arms are noticeable but don't protrude thanks to the batwing fat that used to reside there, they could still use some toning though in my opinion.
I sigh as I sit down my now used toothbrush and grab the towel to wash my face.
I started wanting to lose weight for all of the wrong reasons, society's opinion being the main one. It took me a long time and a year into my weight loss journey to figure out that no matter what you do you'll never please the people who pay too close attention to other people's lives because there's something wrong with their own life that they're avoiding.
The way I see it, if you're looking you must like what you see, contrary to what you might say that's negative. I'll always have things about my body that I don't like or that I think need improving but I figure that's just in a girl's DNA, to always feel on some level like we're not good enough. Ah, the joys of womanhood.
Sitting down to do my hair, I pull my shoulder blade length dark brown locks through my leopard print straightener giving it a little wisp at the ends. The simple style frames my oval shaped face making a smirk appear across my full lips, my right and only dimple appearing. I shoot my mom a text letting her know I'm ready for her to come in to do my makeup before dropping my eye drops in. Ever since I got LASIK a little over a year ago I have to use drops every morning to keep from having dry eyes all day.
I was scared shitless going in to get the procedure done but it took about twenty mostly painless minutes and although my vision was blurry when they finished I could still see better than I could with my glasses. Since then life without having to wear glasses has been a dream come true, having had them since I was eight years old.
Being able to actually wear a pair of sunglasses without having to make the life decision between being able to see and blocking the sun has been amazing and you'll hardly catch me not rocking a pair of shades.
"Ready for your makeup baby?" my mom asks, startling me from memory lane.
I nod and she comes over with her supplies, laying them out on the cream countertop.
"Did you put in your drops?" she asks.
I roll my eyes playfully. "Yes mom," I reply sarcastically.
"That doesn't work since I actually am your mom smartasṣ. Here I thought you were graduating from college. Did you cheat on your finals?" she's on a roll with her shade so I let her go with it.
I purse my lips at her and swat her hip, "Get to work would you? We've got to go in half an hour and we don't know how traffic will be."
She copies my eye roll from earlier, "Yes mom."
~*~
Less than ten minutes later my lips are covered with a nude lip gloss that goes well with my skin tone and my dark chocolate downturned eyes are lined with black eyeliner making them appear more cat-like in shape, my already long eye lashes are extended even more thanks to mascara. After complimenting for five minutes about how my lips have a perfect cupid's bow my mom is back in her and my dad's room getting ready.
I turn on one of my favorite Iggy Azalea songs 'Beg for It' and wiggle my hips, partially to pull up my black lace panties but mostly because this song is my shịt. My matching strapless bra is next on and then my dress. The soft lemonade yellow looks good against my skin as I slide it up from around my ankles. A vibrant garden of purple and green flowered print lightly cover the cotton material and I'm thankful I hunted the internet for months to find the perfect dress. It's short, hitting mid-thigh, but it's tasteful and thanks to the dressy off-white open-toe sandals I paired with it no one will be able to see up my skirt, especially not with my long black graduation robe on.
Smoothing the front I smile at my figure. My breasts are smaller but full and I thank God the plastic surgery I got when I was twenty-one went well. My boobs used to be massive. They were heavy and weighed on my shoulders and back causing me all types of pain not to mention headaches. Luckily for me I found a great plastic surgeon right outside of Graniteville that accepted my insurance and voilà, perky b-cup boobies. I have scars from the incisions but it's a small price to pay for the relief. I can actually find bathing suits and bras that fit plus I can work out a lot easier. My next mission is to get my nipples pierced while I still can't feel them.
The skirt of my dress flits around easily when I work my hips to the beat and rap Iggy's verse fully accompanied by sassy hand movements as I spritz myself with perfume. One Direction's You and I fragrance fills the air instantly, making me grin.
"Are you ready to go yet Niggy Azalea?" my sister Lina asks from the door.
I turn to her with a scowl and turn off my music.
"Let me put my jewelry on and I'll meet you at Ma's room," I reply grabbing my trusty silver hoop earrings and matching necklace that sports my high school class ring.
She nods and I put my jewelry on, deciding last minute to add my silver watch with the big face she got me this past Christmas.
Taking a deep breath and one last look at the cityscape from my window I snatch my cap and gown from the closet door.
"Last time you're doing this Bailey Grace. Look alive," I mumble to myself before opening the door.
~*~
"Bailey Grace Duncan," the President of the University's voice awakens me from my bored stupor and I hop to it moving up the ramp towards him.
I stop at the bottom of the ramp for my picture to be taken by the professional photographer, focused more on not falling than smiling. I'll be sure not to buy that one.
Halfway up the dark blue carpeted ramp I stop again, this time smiling slightly like I always do, for the second photo of this whole ordeal. I walk a few more steps and the President extends his hand and my diploma to me. An older man, his ivory skin is wrinkled, especially around the eyes which lets me know he's more joyful than his solemn expression shows. He must be ready to go home too. I feel your pain brotha.
I grab his hand firmly with my right hand and place my left on the top of the black leather diploma cover. The photographer snaps a few more pictures and then I'm off, crossing the stage to the sounds of claps and cheers.
I can hear my mother scream, "That's my baby!" and my dad yell, "Alright Boobear!" and cringe. These people live to embarrass me. I'm convinced it's a conspiracy.
~*~
"How's it feel to be done with school for good?" my brother Mitch asks, a genuine smile on his face.
I'm surprised he even came to be totally honest. He's always so busy with work and claims they can't do anything without him. Truthfully I think he just likes being needed but that's none of my business.
"Great! Fantastic! Stupendous! I can't even describe it honestly," I reply but then stop myself, "No. Relieved, that would be the word."
We all share a laugh and I smile. It's just the immediate family like it used to be growing up. Everyone's spouses stayed home with the kids so they wouldn't have to miss school since I've graduated mid-November and they aren't out of school until the end of it for Thanksgiving.
My sister's daughters, Dominique and Alyssa are eight and six and my closest nieces. They love me severely and shadow me everywhere when we're together so they were pretty pịssed they had to miss today. I promised to send them lots of pictures to make up for it but it wasn't enough so when they come to visit once school is out I have to reenact the graduation for them.
Alyssa, the youngest, kept reminding me not to stain my pretty dress when we talked last night before bed. She knows how much of a klutz her aunt is. Ashton, my sister's husband told her to take her little self to bed and congratulated me before hanging up.
My cousin Terra wanted to be here but her car died on her last month and she hasn't been able to get it fixed. Broke college student life. After I sent her a picture of my outfit she replied with her best wishes before I sat down in my designated seat of the Austin University pride decorated auditorium.
"QUEEN! You better slay them for filth today! I wish I was there with but I know you'll do fab. I love you and am so proud of you!"
She watches too much Real Housewives but she's been my best friend since forever. I'm three years older than her and the only memory I have of being any younger than five is the night she was born so that says something.
James, my older brother, has two children, James Jr. and Katherine but they're a few cities over with his ex-wife. He's here alone and trying his best not to include himself thanks to some unknown issue he has with our brother. Somehow he became the type of guy who constantly says things just for a reaction and always has an issue with something going on. We went from being at each other's throats growing up to becoming best friends and now nearly strangers. I used to understand him but now I don't even try. As sad as it sounds it's just easier to ignore him than to deal with the bullshịt, especially on a day that's celebrating my biggest accomplishment.
My eldest brother Mitch has two girls also, Megan and Marissa, but they live with his ex-wife, Jennifer so we aren't as close. His fiancé Whitney wanted to come also but she's a teacher so her hands were tied. I can't say I miss her. It's not that I dislike her. She's very friendly and she makes great homemade tamales but I just wanted today to be about my family. It's been so long since we've had a proper get together with just us and no extra people.
The restaurant had to put together two small four person tables for us but it's worth it to see eye to eye with the people who have been such a huge part of my life. My anxiety about being out in public that's normally there is next to nonexistent with all of the comfort I feel radiating off of them. We're dysfunctional more often than not but they're still my family. I gulp knowing this is only going to last for a few more months and then I'm off on my own...in LA.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Hello my good people!!!
First of all HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Please leave me some support if you enjoyed so far!
Side Note...
The photo is of Bailey's graduation outfit and the video is of the Iggy Azalea song. I'm trying something new this book so I hope yall like it.
On To Business...
This story will only be updated once I finish Awake (by Spring Break hopefully) and once Revenge is done being uploaded (by Summer) UNLESS there is a "demand" for more updates. I have a couple of chapters for the story done (and am always adding more) but not enough to just upload all willy nilly so if I get asked about it a bunch or it's a special occasion I'll update.
A Little 1D +Me Background...
I'm a bit of a newbie to the fandom but I'm not a carrot lol January 21st marked a year of being 1D af and I've never regretted it.
My favorites are Harry and Niall, I love the other boys also I just feel like if I was stranded on an island I'd want Harry and Niall there over the others lol
I don't ship anyone because they're all portraying themselves as straight males so that's what I'm going by out of respect for their decisions.
I've never been to a concert (I do plan on going to many in the future) nor do I have any posters (I want recent photos of them with their 21 and over faces damn it).
Zayn slays my entire existence and Harry is my king lol
Just wanted to let you guys know a little bit about me and my relationship with 1D.
I can't thank yall enough for checking this out!!!! I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the ride :)
Until Next Time,
WBN