New Music

New Music

an Art of Lainey Short Story

By Paula Stokes

--for everyone still looking for their own Micah 

Half of St. Louis seems to be heading to the Central West End for the Great Forest Park Balloon Race. I went last year with Amber so it feels weird to be taking Lainey this year, like I'm recycling dates. But how could I say no? She hasn't been to the race since she was a kid, and she's majorly excited. She keeps fidgeting in her seat and pointing at things. 

"Did you see that guy, Micah?" Lainey points out the driver's side window. "Ohmygod, his mohawk was even taller than yours, and dyed blue!" She turns half around to watch the guy disappear behind us.  

"Awesome," I say without looking. "Did you want me to let you out so you can go talk to him?" I sneak a sideways glance in her direction. 

She laughs. "It's hot when you pretend to be jealous." 

"It's just hot." I reach down and crank my window open a little more. It's mid-September but it still feels like August, a blanket of humidity hanging warm and heavy in the air. The fact that my car has no air conditioning doesn't help. 

Lainey blots at her face with her palm but she doesn't complain about the heat. She turns back to the window, practically hanging her head out so she can get a better look at everything we pass. "I think I saw the Energizer Bunny behind those trees!" 

The Energizer Bunny balloon is the first one to take off every year. We're still several hours away from launch, but the bunny is probably already inflated. She might've caught a glimpse of its ear or something. "One of us has to watch the road," I remind her.  

"Sorry," she says. "I just can't believe we're going to see the balloons. I haven't been to the race since I was in first grade." 

"I know. You told me like six times." 

Lainey slugs me playfully in the shoulder. "Why do you pick on me so much?" 

My lips curl into a grin. "Because it's fun?" 

We hit a huge snarl of traffic halfway down Forest Park Parkway and I slow the car to a crawl. I reach over and take Lainey's hand. Her fingers slip easily between mine.  

"Thank you for driving all the way down here." She sighs, reclining back into her seat. "You make me happy." 

Warmth surges through me. It still kind of blows my mind that Lainey can be so...sweet. It's weird. I knew her back in elementary school and thought she was pretty cool, but when she made varsity soccer as a freshman she got sucked into this popularity vortex and became the kind of girl I avoided on principle. 

But then Amber and I broke up and Lainey and I started hanging out this summer as part of Lainey's insane plan to win back her ex-boyfriend. And then, after a lot of denial and screwing up on both of our parts, we finally admitted we liked each other, for real.  

And now she's my girlfriend. 

I can see her legs in my peripheral vision. Her tan, perfect, muscular legs protruding from tiny jean shorts that are frayed at the bottom. I sneak another look at her as the car in front of me slows to a stop. Her reddish blonde hair is curling from the humidity, making the straight red and black streaks my little sister, Trinity, clipped into her hair all the more prominent. Sweat is beading on her forehead and her eye makeup is slightly smudged, but she's still ridiculously hot. 

"At this point we could probably walk and get there faster." She digs in her purse with her free hand. 

"We'll make it," I say. "Hopefully before you melt." 

"No worries. I'm not that sweet." She unthreads her fingers from mine and taps out a quick text on her phone. Probably to her best friend, Bianca, who picked up Lainey's shift so she could come with me today. 

"You're kinda sweet," I say. 

"Aww." She slips her phone back into her purse and holds my hand again. 

I can finally see the entrance to the park just a few car lengths ahead. "How do you feel about a lip ring?" I ask. I'm mostly just messing with her. My eyebrow ring finally healed to where I can take it out and I'm sure I'll get more piercings eventually, but I'm in no major hurry. 

Lainey turns to face me. She runs one pink sparkly fingernail across my lower lip. "Wouldn't that hurt?" 

"Probably." 

She scrunches up her face in concentration. "Would I still be able to kiss you?" 

"Yeah. I mean, you just might have to be gentle for a few days." 

She smiles. "I think it'd be kind of sexy actually." 

I laugh under my breath. When we first started dating for real, I figured she liked me in spite of my appearance, that she secretly wished she could import my admittedly awesome personality into the body of some prepster frat boy wannabe. But the more time we spend together, the more I become convinced that Lainey has a massive preference for piercings and tattoos, even if she isn't willing to admit it. 

I decide to press my luck. "What about a face tattoo?" 

"Like a big pot leaf on your forehead?" She snorts. "Excellent idea. Maybe we can get matching ones." Her purse buzzes and she goes digging for her phone again. She reads a text and smiles. 

I snicker. "Okay, fine. I was just screwing around." I rest my hand on her bare leg. "I think you'd look hot with a tattoo, though." 

She rests her hand on top of mine. "Yeah, that's not going to happen. I prefer my body unmarked." 

"Fair enough. I'll take your body any way I can get it." 

"Oh will you now?" Lainey lifts my hand from her leg and kisses each of my knuckles. 

The steering wheel wavers in my other hand and I nearly sideswipe a fire hydrant. "Well I didn't mean it like that," I say, my voice low. "But now I kind of do." 

She snuggles up against me, her head on my shoulder. "One of these days, Micah," she says softly. "One of these days." 

God I hope so. We've been together officially for a little over two months, but it's been almost four months if you count our fake-dating. To say I want her is the understatement of the year. We've talked about it, sort of, in the way that people dance around an awkward topic. Sentences that trail off into meaningful glances. Things blurted out in the middle of hooking up, certain words replaced with "well, you know..." I think she's ready too, and I know she still takes birth control pills, but I don't want our first time together to be smashed in my car somewhere hoping the cops don't bust us. I'm thinking about planning something special for Homecoming. That's only a month away. 

We finally make it to the park entrance. We turn in and inch our way slowly past the outdoor amphitheatre and soccer fields. The sun slams into the windshield and Lainey raises one hand to shield her eyes. Cyclists and families with baby strollers pass us on the walking trail to our left. People of all ages flock across the grass toward the area behind the science center where the balloons are on display. 

"Remember when you kissed me after my soccer game?" Lainey asks. 

"Yup." I grin to myself. It was kind of slick on my part. I was pretty sure she liked me by then, but I set it up as part of the "win back our exes" plan, just in case. Technically kissing was not allowed, but what can I say? I'm a rule-breaker. "I will never forget the look on your face. Your practically melted into a little puddle right there on the sidelines."  

She grins back. "I was so shocked. You completely messed with my head that day." 

"Yeah, well, you messed with my head for like a month." 

"Truth," she says. "I'm kind of slow at figuring out what I want." She giggles. "I still can't believe you kissed me." 

I shrug. "You're surprisingly hot when you're running around all sweaty like that." 

Lainey laughs. "Thanks...I think. I guess that means I've got nothing to worry about today." She blots at her forehead again. 

"You never have anything to worry about with me." I squeeze her hand.  

She leans in to kiss me on the cheek and I catch a hint of strawberry lip gloss over her vanilla perfume. With one finger, she traces the trinity tattoo on my neck. She's way more touchy-feely than Amber ever was. When we first started dating, I thought it was an insecurity thing, but I'm starting to realize it's just who Lainey is. She grew up in one of those families with a lot of kissing and hugging. My parents didn't hold back on affection or anything, but I've never been quite as open with my feelings. 

                                                                                        ** 

We finally make it to the far side of Forest Park where most of the hot air balloons are currently being inflated. A red, white, and green balloon advertising a local pizzeria takes shape through a sparse patch of trees. Sure enough, the Energizer Bunny hovers a few feet off the ground, tethered but floating, its ears visible over the tops of the branches.  

Lainey is mouse-quiet now-she's peering at the crowd and the balloons with a look of awe on her face. I have to drive a few blocks past the area before I find an open spot along one of the winding roads leading out the back of the park.  

I slowly pull my car up to the curb, smiling to myself at what turns out to be excellent parallel parking technique. Then I turn to Lainey. "Ready?" 

"I was born ready." She leans over and brushes her lips against mine.  

As she goes to pull away, I catch the back of her head with my hand. I lean in and press my lips firm against hers, my fingers getting lost in her shiny hair. She exhales hard and I pull her closer, my tongue teasing its way into her mouth. She reaches out for my waist to brace herself, her fingers balling the fabric of my dad's old Social Distortion T-shirt in her fist. Blood races through my veins as my heart accelerates. I tighten my grip on the nape of her neck as our tongues twist around each other. I could kiss this girl for hours, I think.  

My barbed wire bracelet gets caught in her hair and I reluctantly break away from the kiss to unsnarl it. Once Lainey is free, she collapses back into her seat, her cheeks flushed. 

"Okay, now I'm ready too." I slide out of the car and double-check to make sure the doors are locked.  

Still looking slightly dazed, Lainey takes my hand and we cut across a damp field. We pass a war memorial site and the Jewel Box, some kind of big greenhouse thing where kids go on field trips a lot. 

We can see the field of balloons from a distance. There's about thirty of them, all tethered to the ground, their bright colors peeping up from behind trees. Lainey squeals-yup, like a five-year-old-and spins us both around in a circle. She pulls me behind her at a fast pace. We weave around joggers and rubberneckers, cutting through the stalled traffic on Union Blvd. I realize I haven't thought about Amber since before we parked the car and I start to relax. It doesn't matter if today is better or worse or different than last year. I don't want to go back to last year. So what if Amber was more "like me?" So what if being with someone so different scares the crap out of me sometimes? You make me happy. Lainey makes me happy too, even if I can't figure out a way to say that without sounding like a total lame-ass. 

The clearing is actually half balloons and half carnival stuff. There's a couple of rides, a line of games, and a portable rock-climbing wall. Lainey cuts between clusters of people and I follow behind her, one hand on her lower back. She looks back and forth from the carnival stuff to the balloons. 

"Your call," I say. "I'll go wherever you go." 

"Balloons," she declares. "But where to start?" 

We end up making a long lap around the field so we can start at one end of the balloons and slowly make our way to the other. Most of them look the same to me-your standard upside-down teardrop shape with brightly colored patterns. A few of them have logos. In addition to the pizzeria, I recognize a real estate company and a couple of local banks.  

Lainey stops in front of a balloon with a giant bundle of grapes on the side that the owner is just starting to inflate. "Fruit snacks?" the guy asks, gesturing at a basket of free samples. 

"Sure." Lainey tucks one of the little white packets in her purse. She reaches out to touch the balloon's fabric that is still spread out across the grass. "What is it made out of?" 

"This one is ripstop nylon," he says. "Some are made of polyester blend." 

She looks past the owner to the wicker basket. "Is it scary?"  

"Nah, it's fun," the man replies. "You should tell your boyfriend to take you up in one someday." 

Lainey nudges me in the ribs. "Hey boyfriend," she says. "Did you hear that?" 

"Tell your dad to give me a raise and then maybe." 

"Ha-ha," Lainey says. "He won't even give me a raise." 

"Well you don't really do anything except stand at the front counter and look pretty," I say with a straight face. 

She flips her hair back from her shoulders. "You have no idea how excruciating that job can be," she says with an equally straight face. 

We both crack up laughing and head to the next balloon, a giant yellow smiley face. It's almost fully-inflated. The owner of this one is an older guy who takes an immediate liking to Lainey.  

"I bet you don't know what the actual inflated part is called," he challenges her. He rubs his beard with one hand while he waits for her to answer. 

"Um...the balloon?" 

"Nah, that's the whole thing. Up there is the envelope. Then you got the basket and the burner." He pulls a lever and a blast of fire roars above his head. "The burner is like the engine." 

"That is totally cool!" Lainey claps her hands together. "Do it again." 

The man sends another rush of flames upward and then gestures toward the basket. "Want to test-drive it?" 

"Test-drive?" Lainey turns to me with a questioning look on her face. "Want to?" 

"You go ahead," I say. "It's still tethered to the ground. I'm pretty sure he's not going to run away with you." I smirk. "If he does, he'll probably change his mind and bring you back in five minutes." 

"Funny." She sticks her tongue out at me before turning back to the balloon owner. 

He helps her over the side of the woven basket and then vaults in beside her. He blasts the burner a few times and lifts the balloon a few feet off the ground. 

"Whoa," she says, looking down at me. "Ohmygod, Micah. Take my picture." 

I slip my phone out of my pocket and take a picture of her. Then I take three more because she always hates the way she looks in at least half of her photos. 

The guy brings the balloon back to the ground by venting hot air through a valve in the top of the balloon. He takes a bit longer than necessary to help Lainey back over the side of the basket. I pretend not to notice. 

"Thanks," she says to him, her eyes bright. 

"Anytime, doll," he replies. A family with several kids wanders up and he turns his attention to them. 

I take Lainey's hand in mine as we head to the next balloon, a dark blue one shaped like a can of soda. "Someone has an admirer." I glance back at the smiley face balloon. "Play your cards right and maybe you can be in the race instead of just watching it." 

"Are you trying to pawn me off on some old balloon guy?" 

I pull her in close. "Well, I know how you like older men." She's got this obsession with a former professional soccer player named Caleb Waters. He seems like an okay guy, but still, he's practically old enough to be her dad. 

"Not that much older." She skims her fingers across the top of my mohawk. 

I sigh dramatically. "It seems like he can give you things I can't." 

"Pretty sure you can give me everything I need."  

Our eyes meet for a long moment and I can't keep from mentally undressing her a little as I try to deconstruct exactly what that means. "Hope so." I smile and lead her toward the next balloon. 

                                                                                          ** 

After weaving our way through all of the balloons, we check out the line of carnival games along the other side of the field. There's all the standard stuff you find at carnivals-darts, ring toss, basketball free throw games with ridiculously small hoops. Normally I wouldn't waste any time checking it out, but this is Lainey's day so if she wants to play games then I'll make it happen. 

She turns to me, a gleam in her eye. "Want me to win you something?" She flexes one of her biceps. 

"Yes," I say. "I need a pink stuffed unicorn or else we're breaking up." 

She points at a ball toss booth that has pillows, mini-basketballs, and shot glasses as prizes. "Seriously, Micah. I bet I could." 

Sometimes I forget how much she thrives on competition. "Okay, superstar. Let's see what you got." I follow Lainey over to the booth and pull my wallet out of my back pocket.  

She scoffs. "Come on. I'm obviously not going to let you pay for your own prize. What kind of lame girlfriend do you think I am?"  

"My bad." I slide my wallet back into my pants. 

Lainey pays the attendant and he gives her three softballs. She steps up to the edge of the booth with a look of deep concentration on her face. It takes her a couple of tries but she manages to win me a mini basketball with a Mizzou logo.  

"Nicely done," I say. 

She tosses me the basketball with a huge smile on her face. "Jason would never have let me win him anything." 

"Why not?" 

"I don't know. Probably because he would have felt like the girl in the relationship or something." 

"I'm glad you're not into douchebags anymore." I grin. Lainey's ex-boyfriend and I are total opposites. He's a pretty boy jock who cares too much about what other people think. Sometimes I wonder if she only dated him because he was popular or good at soccer.  

I know she thinks I suck at sports, and I sort of do, but that doesn't mean I don't have a few secret talents. We check out the rest of the games and I watch with pretend disinterest. Just as she's suggesting we take a turn on the rock climbing wall (I swear she's going to kill me someday) I say casually "Let me try to win you something too." 

Her eyes light up. It's a girl thing, right? Every girl wants a guy to win her something at the carnival. "Yeah? Okay," she says. "But I don't really need anything."  

I lead her back to a darts booth where you can hit a bigger blue or green balloon and win a small prize or hit one of a few tiny red balloons to win a giant three-foot tall stuffed animal. "Hold this." I toss her the Mizzou basketball and hand the guy working the booth a couple of bucks. He gives me two darts. I take my time lining up a shot and I'm pretty sure I can own this game from the first throw. But I can't resist messing with Lainey a little so I blow the first two shots on purpose, not even coming close to a single balloon. Her face falls a little with each failed attempt. She tries to pull me away like it doesn't matter. 

"Just one more try," I say, slipping another dollar out of my wallet. 

"It's no big deal, Micah," she says. "Let's go find something to eat instead." 

"Last try, I swear." I hum under my breath. Lainey doesn't know my dad and I used to play darts together. I still drag the dartboard out from under my bed sometimes when I feel like throwing sharp objects. 

I line up, focus, take a deep breath and aim for one of the red balloons. Direct hit. Lainey's jaw drops. "Holy..." 

I turn to her and wink. "Guess I got lucky." 

She pulls me in for a kiss right in front of the game attendant. "You totally faked me out, didn't you?" 

"Maybe." 

"Is there anything you're not good at?" 

I shrug. "Pick out your prize." 

Lainey selects a ginormous stuffed cat with a curly corkscrew tail. "Thank you, Micah." She tosses the mini basketball back to me and takes her prize from the attendant with both hands. I can barely see her behind the cat's giant head.  

"You're welcome." I smile. "We should probably go put that in the car, huh?" 

"I guess. Although it could be fun to carry it around for a while, make all the girls jealous." 

"Girls are weird, you know it?" 

"Maybe," she admits. She squints into the distance. She points. "Hey, is that your sister?" 

Sure enough, Trinity is cruising across the damp grass, her long brown hair bouncing with each step. My mom is following behind her, doing her best to keep up as my sister slips between pockets of the crowd. 

Trinity as she gets closer. "Hi you guys!" She gasps at Lainey's giant stuffed animal. "Monster Kitty! OMG, that is bigger than I am." 

"Micah won it," Lainey says, more proud of my victory than her own. 

"Of course he did." Trinity turns to me. "Where's mine?" 

I toss my mini basketball up in the air and attempt to catch it behind my back. It falls to the grass and I bend down and scoop it back up. "You want one?" 

Trinity studies Lainey's cat for a few seconds. She reaches out to pet the top of its head. "It's pretty impressive, but it'd take up like half of my room. I'll pass." 

"I didn't know you were coming down here," my mom says. "We just ate. If I'd known you guys were around you could have come with." 

"The boat house," Trinity says. "Very romantic." She coughs. 

Lainey laughs. "Very subtle." 

"I'll keep it in mind," I say. "Are you guys staying here all day until the race?" I check my phone. It's a few minutes after one o'clock. The balloons don't take off for three more hours. 

"Yep," Trin says. "Mom and I are going to hit the zoo in a bit I think. Also very romantic." She coughs again. 

"Micah and I are going to put Monster Kitty in the car," Lainey says. "And then I might make him rock climb. But you guys have fun." 

"Okay. Hey, let me get your picture." Trinity takes a picture of me and Lainey holding up our prizes. 

"My turn." I motion for Trinity and Lainey to get together, and then at the last minute tell my mom to get in the picture in too. They all squish together, Lainey in the middle towering over both my mom and sister, the giant stuffed cat nestled under her chin. All three of them smile, and that's when it hits me. This is my family. Somehow, Lainey Mitchell has become my family.  

Holy shit. I think I might love her. 

Slipping my phone back into my pocket, I study the grass beneath my feet as I wrestle with the idea of loving Lainey. What does that even mean? What would it involve? Amber told me she loved me after about three months and I said it back because I thought I loved her. I've never had any reason to doubt it, but somehow it feels different with Lainey. More serious. Scarier. I barely hear her telling my mom and sister to have fun at the zoo. I hardly feel her fingers on my bare arm. 

"Micah?"  

I can't ignore the worry in her voice. I look up. "Yeah?" 

"What's wrong? You seem upset." 

"I was just thinking about something." As soon as I finish this sentence, I know it's the worst thing I could have said. Never give a girl a reason to ask the dreaded "What are you thinking?" question. 

"About what?" 

I force a smile. "Nothing important." I point at the stuffed cat. "I can carry it for you, if you don't want to go all the way back to the car." 

"Nah, it's just a short walk."  

We start out side-by-side, but then Lainey pulls ahead of me to fit Monster Kitty through the tight spaces in the crowd. I spin the basketball she won for me on one finger and then toss it up and catch it. Once we escape the throngs of people and hit the sidewalk, Lainey clears her throat. "Were you thinking about Amber?" 

"Sort of," I admit. "But not in the way you think." 

"Trinity mentioned to me at school that you guys came here last year. Is it weird that we came here together? Is it making you think about the past or whatever?" 

"It's no big deal," I say seriously. "The past is the past." We reach the Mustang and I open the trunk. We put our prizes inside and I adjust Monster Kitty's head so it doesn't keep the trunk from shutting. "We're going to end up doing some of the same things we did with our exes." 

"Yeah," Lainey says slowly. "I guess we are." She stares off into the distance. 

"You okay?" I close the trunk and lean against the back bumper of my car. Lainey pretends not to care that I'm still friends with my ex-girlfriend, but I know some part of her is bothered by it. I generally try not to bring up Amber's name around her. 

"Actually... I was wondering something." Her voice hitches. She looks everywhere but at me. 

I thread my index fingers through the belt loops of her jean shorts and pull her close to me, close enough that she has to make eye contact. "What's up?" I ask. 

"Your mom and Trin. So they're going to the zoo and then coming back for the race?" 

"Yup. If you want we can meet up with them-" 

"No," Lainey says suddenly. "Well, unless you want to. I was just thinking that means there's no one at your apartment all day?" 

"That's right." 

She slides her hands around my waist. "So then we could hang out there, just the two of us?" Her already red cheeks get a little redder. 

"We could. But we might not be able to get a parking place here later..." I trail off. "I wouldn't want you to miss the start of the race." 

Lainey presses her lips to my jawbone. "It's okay. Getting to be up close to the balloons is the best part. They show the launch on the news. I'd rather...hang out with you." 

"Oh." So I was worried she was thinking about Amber and it turns out she was only thinking about the two of us, alone, at my place. F-minus in mind-reading, Micah. I lean back and give her a long look, Is she saying what I think she's saying? Shit. I should just be able to ask her, but I can't quite cough out the words. All I can do is stand here looking stupid.  

Maybe she just wants to fool around without the risk of being caught for once. That would be okay with me too. Basically anything she wants is okay with me. I'll just play it by ear, let her take the lead. That's the safest move with chicks, anyway. They like to feel like they're in control. 

"Whatever you want," I tell her. "It's your day." 

"My day, huh?" Her lips quirk into a smile. "I like the sound of that." 

She sits really close to me on the way home, her head tucked against my shoulder, her long legs curled behind her on the seat. I rest my free hand on the bare skin of her knee, glancing over at her every once in a while, still trying to read her mind. 

The ride back to my apartment seems to take only a couple of minutes instead of the usual half an hour. I pull my Mustang into an empty parking spot in front of the building and cut off the engine. I turn toward Lainey. "Here we are," I say, my voice wavering slightly. 

"Here we are." She checks her phone as she slides out of the car.  

"Are you hungry?" I fumble with my keys and the door to the apartment swings open. "I made some kickass steak sandwiches last night and we have leftovers."  

"Maybe a little," Lainey says. "Are you hungry?" 

"Maybe a little." 

A few minutes later, we're sitting across from each other at my mom's kitchen table, taking turns glancing at the toaster over that's heating up a pair of Philly cheesesteaks. I look at Lainey. She looks at me. We both laugh a little and look away. This happens about five times. Lainey drums her painted fingernails on the tabletop. I make a mental note to buy a more high-powered toaster oven.  

"I made the bread myself," I blurt out, as if this is a highly newsworthy event. 

"Why does not that not surprise me?" She twirls a lock of hair around one finger. 

I stare for a moment, trying to decide if the gesture is some kind of girl code for "I want you" or if she just likes the feel of her own hair, which I have to admit does feel nice. 

The toaster oven dings. Thank God. 

I leap up from my seat and cut the reheated sandwiches into two pieces. I arrange them carefully on plates and set one plate in front of each of us. Lainey looks at me. I look at her. We both laugh a little and look away again. 

"We could eat in my room?" I say. "You know...watch TV or listen to music or something?" 

"Good idea." She stands up so suddenly she almost knocks over her chair. 

I follow her down the hallway, wishing I had cleaned up a little (or a lot.) Lainey doesn't even seem to notice the clothes strewn across the floor or the empty soda cans or any of the mess. Her eyes flick momentarily toward the door. 

I shut it behind me and lock it...just in case.  

She sets her completely uneaten sandwich down on my dresser. "Let's listen to your dad's CD." 

"Okay." I have all the songs from Crow Black Dream on my phone. I set my sandwich down next to Lainey's and dock my phone into a bay with a speaker. The music starts to play. The sound quality isn't great, but it's a lot better than it is with just the phone.  

She watches me quietly, one tall shoe tapping mindlessly against the floor. A couple of sunbeams sneak through the broken corner of my blinds and dance across her skin. 

"You're so bright," I say without thinking. 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're the only thing in this room that isn't dark. Dark walls, dark carpet, dark sheets, dark music." I pause. "Dark me." 

"You're not that dark." With one finger, she motions for me to come to her. 

I cross the room. "Pretty sure I am." 

"Okay then," she says, kicking off her shoes so we're eye-to-eye. 

And lips to lips. 

She takes my left hand in both of hers, gently twisting my barbed-wire bracelet around in a circle and exposing the hangman's noose tattoo below. Softly, she sings along to the music, a song called City of Rain. 

"You know this one, huh?" I slip the bracelet off and toss it onto my dresser. 

"I know all of them," she says. "You burned me a copy of the CD, remember?" 

"I thought maybe you asked for that just to be nice." 

"Just to be nice?" She pokes me in the ribs. "That doesn't sound like me. I asked for it because it means a lot to you." She places my hand on her waist and wraps her arms around my neck. "I want to understand the things that mean a lot to you." 

I pull her close. "You mean a lot to me." 

Our mouths meet and I swear I feel her whole body buckle. She leans back against my dresser for support. Her fingertips tug at my hair, her nails grazing the back of my skull. Now I'm the one in danger of collapsing. I come up for air and kiss my way around her jawbone to her ear. "So you'd rather hang out in my room than watch the balloon race, huh?" 

"Hours, Micah. Hours of hanging out time." She giggles. "God, you have no idea how good this feels." 

"Uh, yeah I do." I pin her body back against the top of the dresser and press myself against her. Her eyes flutter shut, a smile still clinging to her lips. I kiss her again. "Did you want to get more comfortable?" 

Without opening her eyes, she smirks. "What would that involve?"  

"Something like this." I wrap one arm around her neck and bend down to loop the other hand behind her knees, lifting her off the ground.  

"Micah!" She squeals. "You're going to break your back." 

"No chance. You're like feathers," I say. "Really sexy feathers." 

She laughs again as I turn and drop her onto my bed. "You make me crazy, you know that?" 

I belly flop onto the bed next to her. "Pretty sure you were already crazy." 

"Possibly." She snakes her hands up under my shirt and kisses me again. "But you make me the good kind of crazy." 

"Is that so?" I let her tug my shirt over my head. My heart is beating about two-hundred beats a minute. We've fooled around in my room before, but this time feels different. I push her shirt up just far enough to press my lips to her flat stomach. Her jean shorts sit well below her waist, her hipbones sharp beneath her skin. I touch my lips to the left one, kissing it gently, and then harder.  

Lainey exhales sharply, one hand tangling itself in my hair, the other clutching at the fabric of my sheet. "Micah," she whispers.  

"Yeah?" 

"I'm going to explode." 

"That sounds messy." I reach up and dislodge the fabric from her hand, twining my fingers through hers. Sometimes I can't even believe how into me she is. Not that there's anything wrong with me, but she could basically be lying next to any guy she wants. 

"I want you," she murmurs, as if maybe she's a mind reader. "Please." 

I slide back up to consider her pretty face. Her eyes are closed, her mouth slightly open. I run my index finger around her lips. "What was that?" I ask teasingly. "I'm not sure I heard you right." 

Her eyes snap open. "I said I want you." She grinds her teeth a little. "Are you going to make me beg for it?" 

A slow smile spreads across my face. "Maybe. What would that sound like?" 

"Micah!" she whines. "Stop torturing me. We're wasting time." 

I wink. "Fine, no begging. I just didn't want there to be any confusion. You're sure you don't want to wait until Homecoming? Fancy hotel room? All that shit?" 

"Uh-uh." She shakes her head. "Here is perfect. Your room. Your bed. Your music. It feels right." She grins. "And my only confusion is about what's taking you so long." She laughs under her breath, one hand reaching down to fumble with the button of my jeans. 

Just the pressure of her fingertips brings me to the edge. "That is not what you're going to say when I last five minutes." 

She laughs again. "Something tells me it'll be the best five minutes ever." 

"I hope so." 

Lainey pulls off her shirt and drops it on the floor in a heap. My breath catches in my throat at the sight of her-all soft curves and lean muscles. And freckles. A million freckles across her chest and shoulders that I know she hates, but somehow only make her more pretty to me. 

"You are...ridiculously hot," I tell her. I kick off my shoes and jeans. We lie there for a few minutes, taking in the heat of our skin and the feel of our thudding heartbeats. Her gaze locks onto mine as we slowly finish undressing each other. Then I reach for her hand. Her fingers tremble in my grip. 

"You're shaking," I say. "Are you nervous?" 

"A little," she says. "But I'm sure. Just kiss me." 

And so I do. I kiss her the whole time, from the first moment to the last, only stopping long enough for us to catch our breath and for her to say my name, once, twice, five times. I love how she can whisper the same word repeatedly and have it mean so many different things.  

For the briefest second I think of Amber, but not in a better or worse way. Just about how Lainey is different-the ways she feels, the way she moves, the way she breathes. She's like music I've never heard before, a song I want to listen to over and over again. 

Afterward, we both lay back on my bed, sweating, looking up at the crack in the ceiling. Neither of us says anything for a few minutes. It freaks me out a little, Lainey not talking. Normally she's one of those nonstop-chatter girls. I wonder if maybe she's fallen asleep, but then I hear her sing along with the chorus of the song that's playing. 

"You okay?" I ask finally. 

She turns onto her side, her green eyes shining in the dim light. "I was just thinking about what this means, you know? Everyone makes such a big deal out of their first time, but a lot of us are just kind of dying to get it over with. To know how it feels, to see what we're missing out on. But this time, I had all the information. I didn't just want to have sex, I wanted to have it with you. This feels... bigger." 

I laugh under my breath. "I'm going to quote that out of context forever. 'It feels bigger with Micah.'" I grin. "I know what you mean, though. The first time I was kind of like, 'I will take it whenever and wherever I can get it.' But I didn't want you and me to have some crappy first experience smashed in my car." I run one finger down the bridge of her nose. "I hope it was okay. It seemed like you were having fun." 

She blushes. "Dude. It was so much more than okay. It was amazing." 

"Amazing, huh?" I grab her around the middle and tickle her. 

She laughs, flailing around my mattress trying to escape me. Then she spies her shirt on the floor and reaches down to grab it. 

I pluck it out of her fingers and throw it across the room. "No," I say. "No getting dressed yet. Come here." I pull her close to me and wrap my arms around her, inhaling the warmth of her skin. 

She curls against my side, slightly lower in the bed so she can rest her head on my chest. We both fall silent again. My dad's music keeps playing. My eyelids get heavy. I could definitely fall asleep like this. 

"Are you really going to take me to Homecoming?" Lainey asks suddenly. 

I yawn. "You want to go, don't you?" 

"Yeah, but I figured I could go with friends and then meet up with you afterward. I know you hate school dances." 

"Yeah, but you like them, and it's not that big of a deal. And it'll make my mom happy to have some lame pictures of me all dressed up." 

"That's so nice." Lainey tilts her head up and kisses my jawbone. "That makes me love you even more." She freezes, her eyes widening as she realizes what she said. "So yeah, in case I forgot to tell you earlier, apparently I love you." She crosses her eyes. "Awkward." 

"Not awkward." I roll onto my side so we're face-to-face. "I love you too." My stomach clenches a little, not because I'm unsure of my feelings, just because it's scary to think about what it all means. But my words light a match inside Lainey. Every single thing about her brightens all at once and I feel like a dick for not telling her sooner.  

And then she fades. "You don't have to say it back, you know." 

"I know. I should have said it earlier," I admit. "That's what I was thinking about at the park. That picture of you, Mom, and Trin-so happy together, like a family." I swallow hard. "Like my family." 

"But you looked sad then," Lainey says softly. 

"Not sad. Just a little freaked out." 

"Freaked out how?" 

"I guess I didn't expect to have these feelings." Lainey's face falls a little further and I continue hurriedly. "Not that I don't want to have them. It's just I've been working so hard to be okay with the idea of leaving Mom and Trin to go to culinary school, and now I've got another reason I don't want to go." Shit. I should not be saying this stuff right after we had sex. What is wrong with you, Micah? Do not wreck this moment for her. 

Lainey squeezes my hand. "I get it. I don't know where I'm going to end up for college yet either. And yeah, the way I feel, it's this swirl of excited and happy and super-terrified." 

"How do you deal with the super-terrified part?" 

"Mostly I think about everything that's happened. Being with you has changed me. I feel stronger. More sure of things. Falling for you has...made me better." She squeezes my hand again, runs her thumb across the tattoo on my wrist. "I know things might not always be like this, but I wouldn't give up the past few months for anything."  

It's so far from the reaction I expected. I figured Lainey would dissolve into tears or angry words. Instead, she's looking thoughtfully at me, her expression more peaceful than I've ever seen it.  

She reaches out with her free hand to run her fingers through my mohawk. "We can't let the future mess up the present, okay?" 

"That's pretty smart," I say. "Did you learn that from Sun Tzu?" 

She smiles. "Someone even smarter." 

"Who's that?" 

"Bianca. Duh." 

"That makes sense." I trace one finger from Lainey's neck across her collarbone and down over her shoulder, connecting her freckles as I go. "We should hang out with her and Leo more often." 

"We should," Lainey agrees. "Too bad all they do is study." 

"We could probably stand to do a little studying." 

Lainey scoffs. "You, maybe. I'm a solid B student." 

"It's really annoying how you're such an overachiever." I snicker. "So maybe we should invite them along to the Devil's Doorstep next time we go. Or to a baseball game. Show them how much fun not studying can be." 

"I think a Cardinals game might be more their scene," Lainey says. "I'll bring it up to Bianca when I call her later to give her a full rundown on today." 

I cringe. "You might not want to-" 

Lainey laughs. "Kidding. Trust me, she doesn't want the gory details any more than you want me to share them." She grins. "FYI, they're totally share-worthy, though. You definitely weren't lying about your best feature." 

I grin back at her. "If you keep talking like that, I'm going to throw you down again." 

She licks her lips. "You promise?" 

Before I can answer, the music on my phone cuts out and a different song suddenly starts to play-my sister's ringtone. Lainey looks questioningly at me. 

"Trin," I say. I pull my boxers back on, slide out of bed, and cross the room to answer my phone. "Hey. What's up?" 

"Did you guys see them? Where are you? I bet Lainey is going crazy." 

I check the time. It's a few minutes past four o'clock, which means the balloon race just started. "She is." I glance out the window. "We actually just got back from lunch and, uh, I let her out on Union so she wouldn't miss it. I gotta go because I'm still trying to find a place to park." 

"You gave up your parking spot for lunch?" Trinity asks incredulously. "I think I would have just eaten funnel cakes and French fries before I did that." 

"Yeah, well. Lainey wanted to go someplace else and I told her it was her day." I turn back to Lainey and wink at her. She smiles at me. 

"That was nice of you. Dumb, but nice." Trinity pauses. "Are you okay? Your voice sounds funny." 

Leave it to Trin to take two seconds to figure out something's up. "I'm fine," I say. "Just trying to find a place to park." I feel bad lying to her, but there are some things you just don't share with your little sister. 

"Okay," Trinity says slowly. "I guess I'll let you go so you don't wreck the car. See you later." 

"Bye." I toss my phone onto my dresser and turn back to Lainey. She's sitting up in bed doing something on her phone. And she's wearing my Social Distortion T-shirt-she must've put it on while I was talking to Trin. I clear my throat. "If you are texting Bianca, that better say 'It feels bigger with Micah.'" 

Lainey laughs. "I was checking out the race. Look." She holds out her phone. Sure enough, there's already a video posted of the balloons taking off.  

I rest a hand on her shoulder as we both watch, pinching the T-shirt fabric between my fingers. "This looks good on you." 

Her face lights up. "You should give me one of your shirts." 

"Keep this one." 

She looks down at the dancing skeletons on her chest. "Really? But this was your dad's, wasn't it?" 

I nod. "I think he'd approve." 

Just then, there's a flash of color at the window. Lainey slides out of bed and crosses the room, her long tanned legs protruding from the bottom of the T-shirt. "Micah, look!" 

I go to the window and kneel down next to her. Off in the distance I see a small flock of bright circles-a few of the balloons heading west. 

"See, we didn't miss anything at all." She sighs happily. "They're so pretty." 

"Yeah, they are," I say. But I'm only looking at her. I brush her hair back from her face. "About what you said earlier. You make me better too, you know?" 

She turns away from the balloons and arches an eyebrow at me. "Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah. You make me feel like everything is possible. Like I can have whatever I want. Like it doesn't matter where I come from or what I've done in the past." 

"Because it doesn't." She pauses. "Especially not to me."  

She turns back to the window. I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my chin on her shoulder. We both watch the bright cluster of balloons until they've completely disappeared from view. Then Lainey turns and hops to her feet. She goes to the center of the room and spins in a slow circle, a smile playing at her lips as she takes in the mess. 

"What are you doing?" I ask. 

"Mental picture," she says. "I don't ever want to forget this moment." 

My heart swells up in my chest. I swallow hard. "Me neither." I pull her into a hug, squeezing her until she makes a strangled sound.  

When I finally let her go, she leans over and brushes her lips against mine. "I love you," she says. 

"I love you too," I respond. And this time I feel a little less scared.  

Copyright 2015 Paula Stokes. All rights reserved.