natalie atkins
9:21AM
los angeles, ca.
today was the day.
today marks the one year anniversary of the death of the person i thought was my soulmate and my brother.
i still can't believe they're gone.
me and juliana were supposed to meet the director today and have a more solid idea for the music video but i asked her to reschedule for tomorrow, at first she was hesitant but when i told her why she completely understood and let me go.
"hey mom, i'm leaving and i probably won't be back for a while." i tell my parents who were eating breakfast, they quietly nod their heads and i leave the house.
they haven't visited the cemetery since their funeral, i think they probably just don't want to face the reality of seeing their eldest child in a grave, which i completely understand but i wish they would come to visit.
i used to go every single day to just talk to them, that was until i got signed by island records, then the visits became less frequent because i became so busy.
the familiar drive to the cemetery felt nostalgic but i couldn't pin point whether it was in a good way or a bad way, on one hand it felt good to see two of the most important people in my life again but it also brought me back memories from the funeral and how much of a mess i was back then.
mr and mrs peters were already there by the time i arrived, crouching in front of ethan's grave, they didn't see me yet so i walked over slowly to them, careful not to walk over the bodies below.
"hello mr and mrs peters." i mumbled, gently placing some flowers next to ethan's grave and then placing some more on to my brothers grave, gently touching his stone, i shivered at the cold touch.
"natalie." mrs peters says, i can feel a small hint of coldness in her tone as she looked down to ethan's grave, cleaning it, "what are you doing here?"
"well, today marks one year." i whisper, wiping a stray tear that fell from my face, "and i just wanted to speak to them."
mrs peters scoffs slightly, "don't act like this isn't your brothers fault." she tells me, looking up at me and wiping the dirt from her knees, "your brother was drunk and he, he crashed into that building, he was the one who, who made my little boy suffer." her voice cracked a bit.
i bent my head down, i didn't want to look her in the eyes, because she was right, my brother was drunk and he shouldn't have been driving - but there was no other choice for him, driving was his only way home, i know he wouldn't have done it if he could avoid it, "because of your brother, my boy will never, never get the chance to grow up." she cries.
"i'm so sorry mrs peters." i whisper, wiping tears from my face, "but i'm sure if my brother had another choice he would've taken it, he had to drive home." she shakes her head.
"no, he could've got an uber or gotten a lift, there was no need to drive." mrs peters mutters, she was wrong, my brother didn't know anyone there, the people that he did know had left and an uber from where he was to our place was crazy expensive because they went to some area near beverly hills.
and we lived by jefferson park.
i didn't want to tell her she was wrong though, because she was clearly still hurting and grieving, i mean who wouldn't be? losing your only child, ethan wasn't even supposed to be in their lives because mrs peters was told she wasn't able to have kids so ethan even existing was a miracle to her, and now he's dead.
"mrs peters, mr peters-" i begin, clearing my throat and wiping some tears away, "i came here to mourn for ethan and alfie, but if you would allow me to i would like to speak to you about something later on?" i ask, they look at each other and mr peters nods his head hesitantly, "thank you so much. is it ok if i come by your house?" and they nod once again.
they mourn for a bit longer before leaving, in somewhat better spirits, i sit besides their graves, my hands in my lap.
"hey boys." i whisper, smiling softly at them, "i haven't been here in a while, i've been a bit busy i guess."
i look over to ethan's grave and smile, "ethan, i followed my dreams, like you told me to. i have an album out and i'm on tour, i know you'd be so proud of me." the tears are now flowing freely down my cheeks, i pull my phone out and open spotify up, "let me play it." i press the first song and put the phone on the ground in front of me.
the songs were playing and i just sat in silence, listening to the songs and hoping they were listening to, somehow.
"alfie, i know you would be so proud of me too, you always were the best big brother a girl could ask for y'know-" i chuckle dryly, "i still remember the time when you practically interrogated ethan when we told you all we were together."
suddenly a beam of light shows up from the cloudy sky and it was right above their graves as the last song from my album 'be alright' was playing, i smiled, wiping the tears away.
they were here.
i spoke to them a little more until the sun hid back into the clouds, then i got up and made my way back to my car to drive over to the peters' house.
they lived in a more mid-range area of los angeles, tujunga, about half an hour drive from where me and ally lived in jefferson, tujunga was a more suburban area, you probably wouldn't guess that it was part of los angeles because of how different it was from your typical hollywood lifestyle, it had much more of a mexican vibe to it.
once i arrived at their old place it gave me such nostalgia that i had to sit in the car for a good ten minutes before being able to get out.
"hello again mr and mrs peters." i say, once they open the door slightly, they let me in and guide me to the living room, their house hasn't changed a bit.
i wonder if ethan's room is still the same.
"so what did you want to talk to us about." mrs peters asks, sitting down in their living room, opposite of me.
my throat becomes blocked so i clear it before taking a deep breath, "so, i'm not sure if you're aware, i'm sure you've probably tried to completely rid me of your lives but i'm a singer now." i begin, probably not the best way to start but what else could i have began with?
they nod their head, "yes, we have heard your songs on the radio, congratulations." mr peters nods his head at me to which i smile.
"but, uhm i have these songs that i've written these songs a while ago about ethan and i-"
"you want to know if you have our permission to release those songs?" mrs peters asks, interrupting my train of thought, i nod my head.
"can we hear the songs?" she asks again.
"i haven't recorded them, because i wanted your permission before i move forward with it, and since ethan can't give his permission, i thought it would be best to ask you." i tell them, and they nod their head. "i do however have the notebook i've written them in."
"can we see it?" mr peters asks, i nod my head and rifle through my bag and pull out the notebook, flicking to page where 'baby i' is, i hand it to them - the first song i ever wrote about ethan, when we dating and he had pushed me to begin writing more.
"the next four pages are also songs about him." i tell them, they read the words and i just sat in silence, i felt so vulnerable, letting them read the songs, they were all about shared moments that we had and then there was two about when we broke up and one that i wrote when i had found out he died, it was the night after we went to go identify the bodies.
mrs peters had tears in her eyes, a gentle smile on her face, "i like them natalie, they definitely captured your relationship with ethan quite well, you have a talent." she praises.
she was definitely behaving different from when i saw her at the cemetery, maybe shawn was right, maybe she did change her opinion about me.
"you have our permission to release them." mr peters tells me, handing me the notebook back, i thank him, putting it back into my bag.
we talk for a little longer, sharing a few laughs about some memories of ethan here and there before i had to go and meet juliana.
"thank you so much for agreeing to talk to me." i tell mrs peters, standing on her porch steps, she smiles softly and shakes her head.
"no natalie, thank you for allowing me to move past the grudge i've been holding, i hope to see more of you another time." she says, i nod my head and wave goodbye as i walk to my car and drive off.
today was a good day.
motd: