I knew nothing for certain.
That was of course excluding the one fact I could be absolutely sure of. This next week was certainly going to be one of the worst and hardest ones of my life. And I knew I had a decision to make.
Do I provide a statement for Sirius's case?
Although, it was so hard to care about any of that as I awoke the morning after the trail, my senses drowning in a sweet and woody aroma, and a large forearm draped over my chest, lazily.
I turned slightly, as best I could under Fred's grip, and faced him, studying his sleepy features whilst I had the chance. I felt compelled to brush away the tousled, golden locks that had fallen across his face in the night, and as my fingers made contact with his skin I felt him stir slightly.
"Fancy seeing you here" I whispered, mimicking the very words he spoke to me the night before, and I watched as his lips curled up in a grin and he reluctantly opened one of his eyes, groaning slightly at the harsh sunlight that beamed in through the open window.
"Morning love" He rasped, before closing his eye and pulling me into his chest, resting his chin on the top of my head, the safety of his embrace more comforting than anything I'd ever known.
"Sleep well?" He asked as he released me from his strong arms, giving me a chance to breathe.
I nodded with a gentle giggle before reaching up to litter soft kisses along his jawline and cheek before eventually connecting our lips. He kissed me back with zero hesitation, cupping my jaw almost instantly, and I felt as he smiled gently against this kiss for a brief moment.
Before long, and without the breaking of our connection, he began to sit himself up against the headboard and I mirrored his movements, holding onto his shoulders for support.
Then, in a moment of what I can only describe to be newly profound confidence I broke our kiss and straddled his lap with slight caution.
The insecurity must have been practically radiating off my movements, although Fred didn't seem to mind as he watched me with a gentle expression, although the intent behind it was anything but innocent.
I linked my arms around his neck and leant my body forward slightly, watching as a sinful glint sparked in the depths of those hazel eyes.
Fred's hand found the back of my neck and pulled me down towards him, closing the gap and colliding our lips once again, and I struggled to bite back soft whimpers, that Fred only took as encouragement, responding accordingly and further deepening the kiss.
His other hand, however, was soft and gentle as it began to trace shapes into my inner thigh, taking advantage of the newly exposed skin as my shorts had ridden up slightly, due to my current position.
"Tell me to stop love" He whispered low and heavy into my mouth as he broke the kiss momentarily.
I couldn't verbalise how much I wanted anything but the absence of his touch. I didn't need to go any further than this, I just needed him. Here. Now. Always.
I never wanted to be without his fingers in my hair or his feather light touches as he stroked my skin. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close and be consumed by the intoxicating aroma he radiated. I wanted to forever be lost within the pool of those dangerously deep eyes.
"Tell me to stop" He repeated as his fingers began to drift higher and his breathing grew more rugged and uncontrolled.
"No" I managed to exhale through breathy pants and suppressed whimpers.
And that was all Fred needed as the last strain of his self restraint snapped and the control he had so desperately clung too had now evaporated.
His hands released my thigh and neck, and travelled their way up the back of my hoodie, the coolness of his touch caused my skin to erupt in goosebumps as his hands moved higher. I felt him smirk against my lips as he reached my upper back and I could only assume he noticed I wasn't wearing a bra.
His hands immediately fell from their position underneath my jumper and began pulling at the hem, trying desperately not to break the heated connection of his lips on mine.
He had pulled my jumper almost half way up my stomach, barley revealing my midriff when-
Knock knock knock.
Fred's hands immediately dropped my jumper and I couldn't have possibly broken the kiss quick enough, pulling myself off of his thighs in an immediate response to the sound.
"Fred let me in, why the fuck is the door locked?" George shouted lightheartedly from the opposite side of the door.
"Fuck fuck fuck" Fred muttered under his breath, "Just a sec George" he called to his brother as he took deep, frantic breaths, running his slender finger through his messy hair.
But before Fred or myself had decided what to do, the door released a gentle clink and began to swing open.
"Nevermind, I forgot I hand my wand on me-" George stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes glued on the sight of me laying in Fred's bed, both me and his brother panting heavily with deep flushed rosy cheeks.
"So that's why the door was locked" George teased and he continued to wander into the room unfazed and slumped himself down onto his bed.
"No no no it's not-" I tried to defend my current state but was cut short by George as he chuckled deeply.
"Save the shitty excuses, I won't tell anyone anything" George smirked, seemingly in love with the idea that he possessed a secret the others didn't.
Fred went to speak but Geroge simply held his hand up, silencing him before he had even spoken. "And you" George turned to his brother, "Don't even start, you couldn't lie to me if your life depended on it"
"True" Fred grunted under his breath and through gritted teeth, slightly frustrated with his brother's accuracy.
"Sooo?" George began to tease, extending the length of his words, a childlike grin plastered across his face.
I looked over to Fred who had immediately looked over to me, both of us holding an unsure and awkward expression, not entirely sure how to respond to George's question.
Truth be told I had no idea in that moment what we were. I had never done the relationship thing, if this even constitutes as that, but perhaps this wasn't anything as meaningful as I would have hoped.
Subsequently, George had soon gaged the rising tension in the air and gave out a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a laugh. "Oh shit, you guys haven't had 'the talk' yet, have you?" He queried.
"No. No we haven't, but thank you for making this situation a whole lot more awkward than it needed to be" I grumbled sarcastically at George, who simply just threw his hands, surrendering. "I'm going to go back to my dorm before Hermione wakes up"
"Okay love, see you at breakfast" Fred grinned at me, immediately evaporating any previous awkwardness, as he walked over to me and placed a gentle kiss on my lips, earning a snigger from George.
I stuck my middle finger up at him, cursing him as I walked out of the twins dorm and reluctantly made my way back to my own.
Knowing I had reconciled with Remus made the week ahead seem not so detrimental, unless of course I remind myself that I had to decide upon, probably the biggest decision I was ever going to have to make.
Would talking at the hearing really help his case? Or was Tonk's trying to create a forceful connection between Sirius and I before we had even met?
Both were equally as plausible, although I wanted to accept neither.
I decided to slip back into my dormitory and gather a few things, attempting not to wake Hermione as I did so, and head over to the library, it seemed as though it would be easier to concentrate there.
I quickly grabbed a spare piece of parchment from my bedside draw and messily scribbled-
"Gone to the library, see you later"
-upon it, before placing it on Hermione's dressers and slipping right back out the door.
The library opened at seven and when I arrived it was now six minutes past, although it was a Sunday, so I didn't expect to see anyone hanging around here for at least another three hours.
With this information in mind, I made my way over to the back table and sprawled myself out on the large burgundy armchair situated next to it.
I emptied the contests of my pockets, mostly consisting of parchment and pens, out onto the table so I could get to work.
Initially, a pros and cons list seemed to be the easiest and most logical approach, but after a few minutes of brainstorming it proved to be quite unhelpful, the parchment in front of me reading only the following:
~~~~
DO I PROVIDE A STATEMENT FOR SIRIUS?
Pros:
- It is important to Remus
- Sirius is innocent
- I would have my dad in my life
- That constant empty void of nothingness wallowing away inside me might actually transform into something meaningful
Cons:
- I DON'T WANT TO
~~~~
I assume that very detailed and professional list tells you all you need to know regarding my feelings on the subject, and although I did state the list proved to be unhelpful, I guess thinking about it now, unhelpful was the wrong word. It did in fact give me an answer, it just wasn't the one I wanted to hear.
I couldn't make this decision on my own, it was proving far too confusing. Although this wasn't as simple as I made it seem, I didn't exactly have anyone to weigh in on this decision for me.
Remus would usually be the most reliable person to go to, but I knew given the nature of the situation I couldn't exactly trust his opinion. The connection between Remus and Sirius stretched way too far back and was far too deep rooted for Remus to want anything other than Sirius free. They were best friends after all, I couldn't hold Remus responsible for his humane feelings.
Tonk's had made it very clear she wanted me to provide a statement and I highly doubted she would even consider letting me choose an alternative.
Then there was Harry, who has never met anyone besides Mooney that knew his parents, let alone meeting someone that was his fucking godfather, and therefore I couldnt count on his opinion to be rational either.
The rest of the group, as much as they would try and provide an opinion, would probably emphasise how important it was that I did whatever I felt was right, and honestly I wasn't even sure what that was.
I briefly considered confiding in Draco, given the situation with his father and all, but I concluded that bringing up Draco's unresolved past trauma regarding his murderous father may have been a little too heavy for quarter past seven on a Sunday morning.
And so I was left with no one. No one that could provide me with an unbiased opinion, or even a subtle nudge in the right direction. I needed someone that knew Sirius, knew him well, and knew me to an extent too, I needed someone trustworthy and responsible and-
And that's when it hit me. The person I could talk to. It had been staring me in the face the entire time.
I quickly gathered my things and pocketed them, wasting absolutely no time as I made my way out of the library and headed to where I needed to be.
After a brief few minutes I finally approached the door I was looking for. My hand shook violently as I brought it up to knock and my breathing pattern soon became uncontrolled, but I steadied my back against the door frame, composing myself, before finally knocking with one, singular harsh sound.
"Come in!" A gentle but informative voice spoke from the otherside of the door, and I responded accordingly, pushing the door open reluctantly and stepping inside. And to my relief, I was greeted with exactly who I was looking for.
Professor McGonagall.
"Good morning professor, I'm sorry to disturb you this early but I was wondering if I could ask you something?" I questioned, slightly reserved and desperate to conceal any indication of apprehension.
"Take a seat Ardelle" She spoke softly and invitingly as she motioned to the chair opposite her desk.
I nervously took a seat, attempting to steady my laboured breathing as I did so, and I couldn't help but notice the mildly concerned expression McGonagall held as she watched me.
I couldn't hold a mere second of eye contact, my gaze transfixed on my fingers as I twiddle with them in my lap, unsure what to say, or even where to start.
"I was wondering if we could discuss a student of yours that I believe you were particularly close with" I muttered, still slightly unsure where I was actually headed with this.
"Well Ardelle, I have been close with many students over my time here and-"
"It's Sirius Black" I blurted out, bringing her sentence to a screeching halt, and an immediate wave of embarrassment washed over me at the hand of my sudden outburst.
"Well" She began, her eyes softening slightly as she removed her small spectacles and placed them upside down on the desk in front of her before proceeding, "Mr Black was an exceptional student, they all were"
"Sorry all?" I asked, not wanting to miss anything she had to say.
"Yes all, Sirius, Remus, James. They were remarkable students, all of them, so talented and bright. Not only did they hold exceptional knowledge but each of them possessed great strength. Those boys visibly saved each other's lives in more ways than I'm sure I ever noticed" McGonagall replied, a gentle smile pulling at her lips as she sifted through old memories and forgotten nostalgia.
"I was wondering if you could tell me about him. Sirius I mean" I questioned, biting back the tears threatening to spill as a result of McGonagall's words.
"Remus all out of stories?" She chuckled, but it soon died down once she noted my disconsolate expression.
"Actually, I am trying to determine whether I should provide a statement for his case" I sighed, slightly embarrassed with how pathetic I was beginning to sound.
"Ah, I see" She began as she lifted her glasses up from the table and placed them back on the tip of nose, "Well Ardelle, no matter the decision you make, someone is going to have an issue with it, that goes for most of the decisions we make in life, but you need to determine what feels right for you. I understand you may feel a certain level of pressure to do what feels right for Remus perhaps or anyone for that matter. But Ardelle let me give you a piece of advice a very wise young man once told me 'We don't get anywhere in life if you're living it for someone else'. You may provide a statement and he may be released, he may be released without your statement, he may not be released at all. The future will not be shaped by your decision alone. Do remember that my dear"
And suddenly I was no longer drowning, my vision seemed less blurred and my mind briefly less hazy.
"Thank you Professor" I smiled at her, appreciating the relief settling in my stomach, acknowledging it whilst it was here, because I was sure it wouldn't last long.
And just like that I had come to a decision.
I wouldn't be providing a statement for Sirius Black.
Although, despite finally coming to a verdict, I had only done fifty percent of the job, because now was the really hard bit. Telling Remus.
I made my way out of McGonagall's office and headed to Remus's room, wanting to catch him before he made his way to breakfast. But It seemed I was too late as I heavily knocked on the door and was greeted with no response.
"Alohomora" I muttered quietly pointing my wand at the lock before slipping inside undetected.
His chamber was empty and his bed was left unmade, not unusual behaviour for Remus Lupin, and a closed book was laying on the side table next to his armchair, situated in the corner.
I threw myself down into the chair and allowed myself to wallow in comfort of his room, the scattered pillows and messy shelves, the warm air and comforting aroma he left behind that I could detect on the armchair and nuzzle into, everything about this space screamed Remus, and it was perfect.
I picked up the book from the table and began to flick through, I'd always been a fan of Jane Eyre, but what I wasn't expecting was a lone piece of parchment to drop from someone amidst the pages and land within my lap.
The parchment was crumbled in places and the edges were worn and broken, it was slightly off colour due to what appeared to be sun exposure and a date was written, and rewritten from where it had worn away, in blue ink on the back left hand corner.
I unfolded it carefully due to its condition, briefly stopping to assess this invasion of privacy, deciding it was a bad idea but continuing anyway.
I acknowledge briefly it was a letter as I started casually reading, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to encounter.
And I read it. And reread it, at least twenty times before pulling my gaze from somewhere other than the parchment in my hands.
Because what I had just discovered was going to change everything.