Four weeks until graduation ...
Draco Malfoy and you were over. Whatever glimpse of happiness and fleeting bliss had been bestowed upon you – it was gone. It was gone and you were alone again. In your head, you replayed your last time together over and over and over until you felt sick to your stomach. For months did you pretend not to feel anything for him beyond friendship but damn, you loved him. You loved with him with every fiber of your body. Every thought on every day was devoted to him and him only. You looked for him in the hallways, glanced at him during class and each time your eyes met, another piece of your heart broke.
To be quite honest, you weren't worried about yourself as much as you worried about him. You spoke to Theo from time to time, asking him about Draco. He told you exactly what you had suspected all along: his dreams had gotten worse. He skipped therapy sessions, spent his days scribbling in his black notebook instead. You knew it wasn't fair to you but you still couldn't help but blame yourself.
During meals, you watched him with Astoria who was glued to his side. To your surprise, she seemed happier. Even though she grew paler with each day she wore a smile on her face. An honest, happy smile. You heard her laugh and wondered if it had been this beautiful all the time. You watched her talk to Draco with a spark in her eyes that hadn't been there before. You wanted to hate her but seeing her like this? It certainly made it harder for you to do so. Still, each time you saw them walking to class or sit outside on the grass, your stomach plummeted and on particularly bad days, tears filled your eyes.
Eventually, you grew sick of feeling this way. You had fought hard for your own happiness to return after all the shit you went through and to now have it taken away from you in an instant by him felt humiliating. The whole mess started because you wanted to hurt Ron. So how did you end up hurting instead?
You tried tuning out the pain by burying yourself in work. Studying, quidditch training, stupid parties in the Gryffindor common room – you tried anything and everything to numb down the pain. It worked. For the most part. However, your thoughts always began to stray after a while. As soon as his image popped up in your mind, you pinched yourself as if you were trying to wake up from a bad dream. One time, you did it during a therapy session and Merlin, did you regret that. The lecture about self-harm that followed was definitely not worth it.
The days grew warmer. Sunlight fell through the dusty windows of the Hogwarts classrooms, the smell of flowers and freshly cut grass filled the air. Summer had begun to knock on the door. You weren't ready to open it yet. Once summer arrived, your life would change once again.
However, before that happened you still had to get through your exams. You dreaded the thought of taking them. These past months ... well, to put it gently, your focus hadn't been on school exactly. Sure, you spent hours upon hours in the library but you weren't sure how much of the things you read actually stuck with you.
"Ready?", Ginny asked you the morning of your final exams.
You glanced at her and shook your head. She laughed. "Come on, it won't be that bad. We've taken thousands of exams, we'll get through it. What's the worst that can happen?"
"Y/N doesn't achieve the grades she needs to become an auror," Hermione chimed in matter-of-factly. "That's the worst that can happen."
"Thanks, Mione," you said dryly.
She smiled at you apologetically. "It won't come to this, don't worry. You got this. We all do." She took a deep breath. "Let's go."
***
Two weeks until graduation ...
You sat together with Ginny and Hermione at the Black Lake, feet dangling in the water, eyes closed as you enjoyed the sunrays warming your face. Ginny kept on talking about the tryouts for the Holyhead Harpies that would take place just a few days after graduation while you and Hermione only occasionally commented. You reassured her that she would do just fine. After all, there was no doubt in your mind that Ginny Weasley would join the team and have a successful quidditch career ahead of her.
After a while, the conversation shifted. Hermione worried about the amount of reading she had to do before her internship at the Ministry of Magic started, and you snorted. "They don't expect you to know everything about the job beforehand, y'know?"
"Well, good impressions are important," she replied.
During the whole afternoon, the topic of your future plans didn't come up. Your friends sensed your apprehension regarding that particular topic. After the utter debacle that was your exams, you tried to forget that you were supposed to have an idea of what to do with your life in just about two weeks. You still waited on a letter from the Ministry, waited for the news that your plan had worked out. That you could become an auror, a dream you had since you could think. Yet, you screwed up and you weren't sure if your performance in the final exams was enough to get you a placement. Thankfully, your parents were still too wound up in the whole drama Alissa brought with her. They didn't even ask how your exams went and you weren't mad. The importance of exams paled in comparison to the prospect of a life sentence in Azkaban.
A bee buzzed close to your ear and you opened your eyes again.
***
One week before graduation ...
"You look horrible, darling."
You rolled your eyes when Theo appeared by your side. You were on your way to the Great Hall, earlier than usual in an attempt to study a few more minutes in the library before your first class. "Thank you, Theodore. Just what a woman wants to hear before breakfast."
He snickered. "Apologies." Then he held his hands out, motioning you to give him some of the books in your arms to help you carry them.
"Accepted," you said and gave him the whole pile of books instead. He groaned and you chuckled at him. "How are you then?", you asked.
"Relieved about the fact that school is almost over." He dodged a first year student who ran past him and one books slid dangerously close to the edge of the pile. You were surprised by how many students were already awake.
"Any plans for what comes after?"
"Yes," he nodded. "Travel."
You looked at him in surprise. "Travel?"
"Blaise and I are going to travel around Europe for a few months," he explained. "I need to get out of the country where everyone knows me as 'that Death Eaters kid' and Blaise is simply loaded with money and doesn't want to work." The two of you laughed at the last statement. "And afterwards ..." Theo shrugged. "I don't know yet."
"That sounds nice," you sighed. "When will you leave?"
"After Draco's wed-" He stopped midsentence. "Ah, shit."
You bit your tongue. Actually bit it. "It's official then," you said softly. "I haven't seen the announcement yet."
Theo stopped. You had almost reached the Great Hall. The Slytherin looked at you with sympathy. "It'll come out today." He lowered his voice: "I'm sorry, Y/N."
You avoided his gaze. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
Theodore stayed quiet until you resumed your walk. "For what it's worth, he doesn't love her," he finally said. The statement hurt even more.
"What a fucking mess we made."
Theo nodded. He didn't say anything else. When you walked into the Great Hall, he handed you the books back and softly squeezed your arm before mumbling: "I'm really sorry."
He had been right – the Daily Prophet printed the announcement of the wedding on that same day. Yet, when an owl dropped the paper onto your plate, you were oddly calm. You lowered the glass of orange juice carefully and rolled up the newspaper. Their picture was on the front page.
Astoria's beauty was unlike anything you had ever seen. She wore a simple black dress and was glowing in the picture. She smiled widely as her gaze switched between Draco and the camera. Spooky how different she looked. You wondered if they had used magic to hide the circles underneath her eyes and the sunken-in cheeks. Draco stood beside her, wearing his trademark simple, black suit. His back was straight, his eyes focused on the camera. He didn't smile.
As if you had felt his stare, you looked up. Draco sat across the hall at the Slytherin table, Greengrass – his fiancée – by his side who excitedly showed the article to Parkinson. You forced yourself to smile but it didn't reach your eyes. He turned away. Just in time to miss the tears you had to blink away.
This isn't right, you thought, none of this is right.
***
One day before graduation ...
Tears streamed down your face as another sob shook your body. You stared at the letter in your hand, reading it over and over again. At this point, you had memorized every word but you couldn't bring yourself to stop.
Dear Ms. Y/N Y/L/N,
When an owl brought you the letter, you didn't open it immediately. You didn't want to do it in front of your friends, already sensing what was written inside of it. So instead you grabbed it and went to the bleachers of the Quidditch field. High up above, where no one would interrupt you.
We regret to inform you ...
It wasn't entirely unsuspected but it didn't hinder the tears from dwelling up. Before you knew it, they streamed down your face. Cold fear gripped your heart. This is it, you thought, it's all over now. Your entirely life you wanted to become an auror. You had no plan b, no other option, it had always been this. And now you failed.
"Y/N?" The voice caused you to whirl around. "What happened?" Draco. His eyes widened in shock and concern when he saw your face. With three long strides he crossed the distance between the two of you.
"Draco ...", you whimpered and then he was there, pulling you into a tight hug.
"Hey, hey, hey," he whispered and held you tighter. Instinctively, you relaxed against his body and let him embrace you. It felt so right. "Shh, it's fine, it's all going to be fine." He repeated over and over. Sobs shook your body while your tears drenched his uniform. It felt as if hours had passed until you finally began to calm down. With each shaking breath, the scent of his cologne wrapped itself around you.
"What happened?", Draco asked again when no more sobs escaped you and you quietly buried your face in his shoulders. Without a word, you held up the letter. A few seconds passed and Draco snorted. "Well, their loss," he said, audibly disgusted.
You whimpered another time. "It's all my fault. I should've done more, I-I ..." You wiped over your eyes. "What do I do now, Draco?"
He sighed before he answered: "Anything you want. Y/N, you're intelligent, clever, witty, beautiful – you can do anything you want."
"Except for becoming an auror," you scoffed.
"Maybe. So what?" He shrugged. "Fuck them. It's their loss."
You remained silent. Draco had his arms still wrapped around you. In this position, you almost forgot your situation. This felt so ... normal. So right, so natural. As if it was meant to be. As if he was the one to hold you in this exact moment. You thought about asking why he was up here on this night but held your tongue. A part of you wanted to believe that it was because of you. Everything started up here on the bleachers, last year in September. Right here, the two of you talked for the first time in years. A conversation, you could recall to this day. Everything began here. Maybe he came back because he hoped to find you here. You wanted to believe that.
.
"It's all I ever wanted to do," you whispered after a moment. "I don't have a plan b. I –" Another tear rolled down your cheek. He looked at you, his grey eyes full of love and adoration, and wiped it away.
"You're hurting, I know. I'm sorry, sweetheart. It's going to be alright though, I promise."
You smiled sadly. "Everything goes to shit in my life, everything! The fucking war is over and yet I can't seem to catch a fucking breath."
"I believe, the war will stay with us for a lot longer than we thought," Draco whispered. He didn't let go of you as he watched the castle in the distance. The sun begun to set and drowned the Scottish landscape in its golden light. It was a marvelous sight.
Sudden music caused you to flinch. A group of seventh year students had arrived on the Quidditch field. Loud voices and laughter mixed with the rhythm of a new popular song. They weren't from your house, you realized.
"I should leave," Draco said. And when you recognized Astoria's high-pitched scream as a drunken Blaise picked her up, you knew why he was here to begin with. Not for you. For them.
"Yes, right, I'm sorry." You cleared your throat and sat up straight. Draco let go of you reluctantly before he got up. He looked at you and you wondered if he was going to say something. But even if he wanted to, he didn't. He only nodded and then made his way towards the stairs.
"I feel as if I should congratulate you on the engagement but ...", you suddenly spoke up.
Draco stopped and glanced at you. "Don't."
You saw how a shadow flickered over his face. Then you remembered something else. "Wait, I have something for you." You reached inside your back and pulled out a picture. He looked at you in surprise when he gave it to you. It was a picture of you two from the last Christmas, taken during a dinner. Draco had his arm wrapped around you and raised a glass of wine, an amused smirk on his face. You laughed in it, covering your mouth with your hand. It was the only picture of the two of you but you loved it. It showed Draco the way he truly was. The way he made you feel every time you looked at him.
"You carried it with you this whole time?", he asked softly. He held the picture so carefully as if he was afraid to accidentally damage it.
You gave a half shrug. "Only for the last few days. I hoped to catch you alone at some point."
"Thank you."
"Will I see you?"
He looked up at the question.
"After graduation, I mean?", you clarified. "Maybe send me an owl once or twice a year? I need to know you're okay."
"So you can rip out my heart again, little Gryffindor?"
You opened and closed your mouth at the statement. Draco chuckled. "I'll do it. If you promise me to reply."
"I promise."
You didn't know it yet but Draco would keep his promise. However, when you received his first letter, you broke yours.
***
A few weeks after graduation ...
The last day of school came and went. Funny how you had expected it to be filled with tears and laughter when, in the end, it was just another insignificant day of the year. To be fair, some tears had been shed. Long hugs with your friends and promises to stay in touch were shared on the train station in King's Cross before all of you parted ways.
Your parents picked you up. They looked like mere shells of themselves as they kissed you on the cheek. A lump formed in your throat when you saw their sad faces. They had aged immensely in these past few months, the stress had left deep wrinkles and tired eyes behind.
They didn't speak much on this day. They only hugged you when you told them about the rejection from the Ministry. "I'm so sorry, darling," your father had mumbled, "you'll find something else, I'm sure." A part of you was relieved they didn't ask any further questions.
The next morning, your mother had asked you if you wanted to see Alissa. You didn't. You couldn't. The mere mention of her name made you grit your teeth. Alissa was the reason for all the suffering in your family's life. For all the heartbreak and tears. All the sisterly feelings had shrunken during the past year. Now you were left with rage and hatred when you heard her name.
"Will you please come to the court hearing in two weeks then?", your mother had asked when she noticed the expression on your face and you had agreed.
And here you were. Standing in your kitchen, a cup of freshly brewed tea in your hand while you listened to your parents screaming at each other upstairs. You had just come home from the hearing and now looked outside into the garden. The roses, once your mother's pride and joy, were neglected, you noticed. Their heads hung, most of them dried up from the summer sun.
"Twenty-five years in Azkaban," you mumbled to yourself. Alissa's future. Twenty-five years locked away on an island. You had hoped the sentence would give you satisfaction. It didn't. Instead it frightened you. Would Alissa survive this? Twenty-five years without seeing her family? Would your mother survive it? Or would she wither like the roses in her garden?
You took a sip of your tea and wondered how your life changed once again, now that the problem of Alissa was finally ... resolved. It ended. The anxious waiting, the not knowing ... it all ended. By now, she would have already arrived in the prison cell that would be her home for the years to come.
You hadn't spoken to her. You had watched her in the courtroom while she didn't look up at your family. During the whole hearing, her eyes were locked on the ground and she remained silent. It was the strangest sight – the broken-down woman in the dirty dress wasn't your sister. The fiery spirit inside her had left a long time ago together with her beauty and wits. You stared at Alissa, desperately trying to find a glimpse of the sister you once knew and loved. You were unsuccessful. This woman was a stranger and your sister was dead. And you wanted nothing more than to simply move on.
"The nerve this family has," your father muttered behind you. "Unbelievable."
You sat the tea cup down on the counter and turned to him. The screaming had stopped, you realized. You had been so lost in your thoughts, you hadn't noticed how your father came downstairs again.
"What are you talking about?", you asked.
Your father shook his head and handed you an envelope without another word. Your gaze fell onto the dark green emblem printed on the back and suddenly, your throat felt very, very dry. You'd recognize the sign anywhere. With shaking hands you opened the envelope and pulled out a card.
"Can you believe it?", your father asked. "They actually have the nerve to invite us to his wedding?"