Currently, the team was in St. Paul, Minnesota. We were looking for an unsub who killed women based off of what they had posted on social media. Even though he tried to hide it, I could tell Spencer was struggling with something. It became easier to notice once we were trying to talk the unsub down from killing one last girl and then killing himself.
Spencer decided to be brutally honest, trying a different approach to talking him down. I had the gun pointed at our unsub, Peter, while Morgan was helping the girl he saved from drowning in the pool. After Spencer had finished speaking, Peter faltered and the knife moved away from his neck for a moment.
"I appreciate your honesty." And with that, he slashed his own neck and fell into the pool. I lowered my gun and turned my attention to Spencer. He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a groan before rushing away. After that, it was nearly impossible to talk to him, We sat next to each other on the jet, but he kept to himself and didn't try to talk to me or anyone else.
I was packing my things up when I saw Hotch approach Spencer at his desk. He asked him about what happened with the unsub and Spencer seemed to tense up.
"Well Hotch, the last time I didn't tell somebody exactly what they needed to hear, my wife ended up in a coma. So I tried a different tactic this time."
"And this didn't work either."
"Sadly, no."
He then grabbed his things and walked out of the office. Hotch turned towards me with a confused look. I quickly apologized and followed Spencer out to the parking lot. He was quiet the entire drive home. As we were getting ready for bed, I decided to try and talk to him.
"Spence? Can we talk?"
He met my gaze before closing his eyes and sighing before walking over to the bed to sit next to me.
"I've just been on edge, I'm sorry."
I reached for his hand and wrapped mine around it. "It's okay. But you know you don't have to hold it all in. I understand that things were rough for you too and you need to talk out your feelings as well."
He slightly turned his body towards me, placing his other hand on top to our enclosed ones. "But I feel so guilty. You almost died. I want to be there for you and you shouldn't have to worry about my emotions as well as your recovery."
After his little ramble, I placed a quick kiss on his lips. It brought out a small smile in him, which I returned. "This is a two way street, okay? We talk out our problems with each other no matter what. So tell me, what's on your mind?"
We ended up staying awake and talking to each other until about two in the morning. Thankfully, we didn't have to go into work the next day. We talked about anything and everything. We laughed, cried, and gave each other many kisses. It was exactly what we needed to alleviate some stress from the last couple months.
Even though that night brought both of our minds away from the incident, not everything just went back to normal.
I had started having reoccurring dreams, or should I say nightmares. But I would never wake up screaming or shaking. My eyes would shoot open and my heart would race slightly, and then I would just lay there, too scared to go back to sleep. The surprising part was that I never woke Spencer. Honestly, I didn't have the heart to wake him. Sleep has always been a struggle for him since before I even came into the picture.
On the nights I couldn't fall back asleep, I'd try and keep myself somewhat busy. I would try to read or watch things on my phone while trying to stay as silent as possible in order to not wake up Spencer. Which is what led me to Rossi's office this morning, telling him about I case I think I stumbled upon in a small town in South Dakota. Men were dismembered and abandoned in different areas with some type of native symbolism behind it all.
I could tell Rossi thought I was crazy, but he realized that this could be a case. We headed over to South Dakota and I knew the others could tell I was acting a little weird. I was being slightly passive aggressive and I couldn't really help it.
I was sitting alone in one of the offices, hoping to clear my head, when Rossi came in and sat across from me. He started to tell me a story about his uncle who worked on his car so much after his wife died. The car was stolen and vandalized, Uncle Sal was devastated, and then died about a year later. I knew this story was going somewhere, so I just sat back and listened.
"We all understand if you aren't ready to jump back into work yet. What happened to you was traumatic and we all understand if you aren't feeling your best yet."
I fidgeted with my hands before I looked up at Rossi. "I'm just tired of having to deal with the consequences of what he put me through. For most of my life, he was tormenting me. He got away with it time and time again while I suffered. I'm so tired of reliving those moments in my dreams while he barely loses a wink of sleep."
Rossi reached across the table to grab my hand. "But you're not alone. Yes, it's unfair that he gets to be carefree while you have to deal with this internal torment. But he's going to be alone for the rest of his miserable life. You have your family to help get you through the day. Does Spencer know about your lack of sleep?"
I shook my head and by the look on his face, I could tell he was waiting for an explanation.
"I've been having this dream. I'm tied up to this chair and Spencer is tied up across from me. Delilah is also tied up and sitting against this wall a few feet away from us. But Cole is there. He just keeps going back and forth between hurting me and Spence, punching and kicking us until we become bruised and bloody. I can hear Delilah's screams and I'm a sobbing mess. I always wake up right after he pulls out a knife and walks towards Spencer. By that point, I'm too scared to go back to sleep and I don't wake up Spencer because he's already dealt with too much and I don't need to be any more of a burden."
I quickly wipe a stray tear away, not wanting to cry in front of my coworker in the middle of a precinct. He gives my hand a squeeze.
"I'm willing to bet good money on the fact that you are not a burden to him. The kid looks at you like you put the stars in the sky. Talk to him about this. Things are going to get better, I promise you."
After his little pep talk, we went back to the case and managed to solve it. Unfortunately, one of our unsubs had drowned herself after she managed to run away. We packed up our stuff and headed home. As night time rolled around, I got a little anxious. When we got into the safety of our home, Spencer lightly grabbed my hand and sat me down on the couch next to him.
"Something is troubling you. So please, just let it out."
I told him about the dream, which then spiraled into all the other emotions I was feeling. It felt so good to get all of this off of my chest and I just kept talking and talking. He held me when my sobs cut off my voice and gave me little words of encouragement when I needed them. I even started talking about things I hadn't even truly processed yet.
"It finally hit me that I was pregnant. But before I even had the joy of finding out, he took that away from me. I wanted nothing more than to give you more kids, Spence. Finding out about Delilah together was one of the happiest moments of my life and we didn't even have a moment like that with this other child. If I had just paid attention and noticed that the fucker was in my car, we could have avoided all of this. But no, I had to go and ruin the chance of bringing another one of your kids into this world."
My voice was raised and I could feel this combination of anger and sadness bubbling in my stomach. After that, I collapsed in his arms and he managed to carry me into our room. He set me on the bed and managed to change me out of my work clothes into something more comfortable. Once he was changed, he joined me on the other side of the bed, immediately bringing me into his chest.
"Love, that wasn't your fault. The only person to blame for hurting you, for taking our baby away, it's him. Once things calm down, I promise you we are going to try for another one. I just need you to know that no matter what, you won't go through this alone."
His hand reached under my chin and tilted it up slightly before placing a gentle kiss on my lips. The kiss contained every word we wanted to say to each other, but just couldn't find the right words. "Promise you'll wake me if you have another nightmare?"
"I promise, Spence. Love you."
"I love you so much. Sweet dreams."
Spencer Reid must have been a miracle worker. Because that night, the only thing flooding my dreams was our little family, sitting on a beach somewhere, smiles on all of our faces, and not a horror in sight.
What I would give to be able to hug Spencer Reid and rant to him about all my problems. Ugh! We're getting close to the end of this book :( But I hope you guys have been enjoying Spencer and Ariel's journey so far! Abby <3