I hate myself for causing him pain. I know I did, and now that has just been confirmed. Fuck why did I have to fail at this too.
I sleep on Dustin's shoulder, inhaling his cologne with every intake of breath. I love being able to have him in my full grasp again. It feels so comfortable.
"Dustin, you need to get up. Staying in that position for that long will hurt your back." I hear my mom whisper. I whimper and snuggle deeper into Dustin's arm, not wanting him to leave me. I hear him chuckle lightly, his fingertips drawing patterns on my arm right above my bracelet.
"I can't move." He whispers, leaning down to kiss my head. I tilt my head up, half asleep, wanting him to kiss my lips.
"Baby you don't have to get up. You can rest some more." He whispers, slightly adjusting his position.
"Kisses?" I mumble, acting like a child. He laughs and leans down to kiss me.
"Go back to sleep beautiful. We will be here when you wake up." He tells me, rubbing his hand up and down my arm. I hear my mom sigh in happiness.
"I don't wanna go back to sleep." I groan, shoving my face into his shoulder. I bring my arm that doesn't have an IV in it over Dustin's body, resting my hand in the pocket of his sweatpants. They look so hot on him.
"Okay babe." He wraps his arm around me, kissing my hair several times.
"I like your sweatpants." I whisper where only he can hear me.
"And I like this hospital gown on you. It looks fucking sexy." He laughs. I hit his chest softly, kissing his shoulder.
"Rude." I mumble, leaning up to kiss his lips.
"What else do you like about me? I like hearing all of these things." He says in a cocky tone.
"I sure as hell don't like that cocky tone Dustin Clark." I giggle, shoving my leg between his. I feel a rod of hardness on my leg and I look up, making eye contact.
"You really have to be turned on when I am in a hospital bed in this hideous gown?" I ask. He closes his eyes and covers his face.
"It's not my fault you are the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. Hospital gown or not." He says.
"I can't wait to get out of here." I groan, turning over on my back. I see some other people in the room, talking to each other. I don't know where my mom went.
"And why is that?" I turn back towards him, looking deep into his eyes.
"Cause I want to have sex with you again."
"Babe...you can't say those types of things!" He groans, covering his face again. I laugh and lean onto his chest.
"I need to get up. I don't know how you have been laying in this bed for two months. It's shitty." Dustin gets up, leaving me alone in my bed.
"Hey guys." Mom says, walking back into the room. I look over at her, smiling.
"Nova!" She cheers, running over to me. I sit up slightly, extending my arms to take her into a hug. She cries and shakes, holding my body close.
"Oh my god Nova. I'm so so sorry." She whispers in a shaky voice. She tightens her grip, almost choking me.
"Don't be sorry mom. It's my fault. I'm sorry." I apologize, a single tear escaping my eye. She backs away, holding my face in her hands.
"Are you okay?" She asks, looking my body over.
"Yeah I think I'm okay." I mumble, looking for Dustin to find something to focus on. He stands across the room, leaning on a wall, already watching me.
"Can I have a minute with you? Alone please?" My mom asks, wiping a tear away. I look up at Dustin, who has heard my mom's words. He sighs, not wanting to leave me alone.
"Yeah sure." I say. Dustin walks over to me, kissing my forehead.
"I'm right outside okay?" He whispers in my ear. I nod and he walks away, followed by Carly, Colin, Greg, and Jax. When the door shuts, my mom sits down beside me, holding my hand.
"We have a lot to talk about." She tells me. I look down at my bracelet, needing something to fidget with. I read the words over and over again, falling deeper in love with them with every read.
"What's up?" I ask, keeping my voice steady. I feel so awkward without Dustin.
"Well, first off, I got a new job." She says happily. I smile.
"That great mom! I'm so proud of you."
"And um...the police came and arrested your dad. I filed for divorce and I think I'm gonna sell the trailer." Mom tells me. I feel a rush of relief fall over me. I sigh, closing my eyes.
"Good...I'm glad." I tell her.
"You know...that day...Dustin really put a good beating on him."
"Good." I snap, sitting my head up.
"Yeah...yeah you're right it is good."
"Do you know how bad he hurt me? Not only did he kick me repeatedly, punch me, and throw me into walls, but he choked me as I was coughing on my own blood." I explain to her, letting her know the pain I went through.
"I'm so sorry baby. None of that should have ever happened to you." She mumbles, tightening her grip on my hand.
"It's alright. I'm okay now.".
"Dustin is a great guy." She tells me. I look over at her, wondering what she means.
"Yeah I know...but why."
"He hasn't left this room at all. Not a single time. Except for last night I think. I made him leave though. But he has drained himself physically to stay here with you." She explains to me. I smile and close my eyes, resting my head back.
"I love him." I whisper. She pats my hand.
"I know. Young love is so adorable." She hesitates to talk again, looking around the room and wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye.
"We should probably discuss what you tried to do." She whispers.
"What do you mean? I know what I tried to do."
"You thought about killing yourself Nova..." I cut her off.
"Yes I know that. I lived through it." I bite out. I don't want any of those memories to consume my mind again.
"You need help." She murmurs, looking up at me.
"What do you mean? I'm fine. I'm okay now." I tell her, trying to convince her that I'm okay.
"This has been going on your entire life. You grew up watching your dad beat me, and then he started taking his anger out on you too. You have lived your entire life based off of survival and that's not how a child should be raised. Your father is out of our lives and I plan to do some serious fixing for myself, and you should too." She tells me. My jaw drops and I look around the room.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask, completely stunned that she would even ask this of me. I'm completely fine...I think.
"There is this really nice rehab that Dustin's parents have found..." I cut her off, looking at her with stressed eyes.
"Dustin's parents?" I ask, wanting to know some more information.
"Nova let me speak, please. Dustin's parents have offered to pay for this rehab. It is for addiction and suicide and they are one of the highest rating rehabs in the United States. I think you should go. It would be the best for you and your future." She tells me.
"And where would Dustin be involved in this?" I ask, needing to know if I could even contemplate this.
"He wouldn't be joining you." She says quietly. I scoff and turn to look at her, anger on my face.
"I'm not going anywhere without him. He saved my life." I snap. She sighs and looks up at me, keeping a stern gaze.
"Dustin's parents don't want him going with you. They want him to focus on his career and his life."
"What?" I ask, completely shocked.
"They love you Nova. They think you are a great person, but I can see where they are coming from. You have known from the beginning that you and Dustin wouldn't work out in the long run. Y'all are polar opposites. This is what is best for you, I promise. You can flourish and Dustin can flourish. And who knows? Maybe a few years from now, you guys can get back together and figure out stuff." She tells me, her voice shaky the entire time.
I exhale a breath, closing my eyes and laying back onto the hard pillow. Would it be for the best? Would Dustin and I find each other again in a few years? Would I be able to fix myself at this rehab?
So many questions flood my mind. I can't focus. The main thought is what I would do to Dustin. I would hurt him, break him even. Shatter his heart to pieces. Mine would be broken too, but mom might be right. It might be for the best. And like my mom said. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, Dustin and I can fall in love all over again. Maybe we can do it better the second time.
I don't want to hurt him, but I do need to put myself into this situation too. It would be better for me to go to this rehab and get my shit fixed. I could be better to myself and to him.
"Nova?" My mom asks, wanting an answer. I don't respond. I still have things to think about.
"If I did go...wouldn't Dustin know where I was going?" I ask her, keeping my eyes closed.
"He wouldn't. His parents are doing everything they can to keep it away from him. You and I would leave and we would go to the rehab." She explains to me. I open my eyes, looking over at her.
"I'm not leaving without saying goodbye." I whisper, keeping my voice steady.
"Nova I don't think that's..." I cut her off.
"I am about to leave the person that has changed my entire life. The person that I fall in love with over and over every day. The person that saved my entire life. I will not leave without saying goodbye." I snap, trying to keep myself calm.
I'm actually doing this. I am actually gonna leave him and I am actually going to go to this mystery rehab. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Everything is. Everything is wrong with me. That's why I'm making this decision in the first place. I need to better myself and I need to better myself for Dustin. I knew we wouldn't last in the long run, just as my mom had said. It's best for both of us if I'm gone, just not dead. We can live with the pain of losing each other and maybe that pain will eventually bring us back together.
"So does that mean you are going?" She asks quietly.
Does it? Does it mean that I am going to leave the love of my life behind because I need to fix myself? I'm doing something good for me, and for him. This is for the best. I know it is. Death is not a choice this time, it's simply bettering myself.
"Yeah...I guess it does."