They had masked their feelings below the surface so that they wouldn't catch their friends up in their troubles but it was hard. Never before had they been in this situation. Where their relationship hung in balance.
Each had their regrets and wished that could've turned back time to do things over.
"I'm sorry." Calista whispered pitifully, her hands falling limp in her lap as he stood stiffly across from her, much like on that night where revelations were made and things that should have never been said were spoken. "You're an important person to me, I never meant to imply that you weren't or that how much you mean to me changed, I'm so sorry."
The lavender no longer smelled as sweet, the small flicker of light filling the small space didn't seem as bright and the blue dragon across from her appeared a lot more frail than before.
Shin-ah refused to look at her and Calista honestly could say she didn't blame him. What kind of partner constantly put their significant other through so much? How did she not see how badly she was hurting him earlier?
He had let her fight because he understood it was in her blood, it was a part of who she was, but if she had recognized it, she shouldn't have pushed the limits of what she could do just because she could do it. Just because she could handle it didn't mean that she should expect him to remain okay after seeing how close she came to dying every time.
It was too cruel of her to do that to him.
Calista wrung her hands in her lap, gritting her teeth as she fought to keep the tears at bay. She shouldn't be the one crying when he was the one who was hurting because of her.
I'm such a terrible person.
Every time he had gotten her, she had been overcome with despair each time he rescued her from certain death. She had been putting him through that ever since they got together, probably even longer since even when they were just friends, she couldn't ever stop herself from jumping out in front of the danger.
It was always her in harm's way, if she could get there fast enough.
Shin-ah hadn't said anything and she didn't know what she could do or say to make this better. She didn't want to leave him, she didn't want him to leave either, despite what she had suggested even though it was the logical choice in her head. It would put a strain on their whole group dynamic, worse that it already was this past couple days since it was obvious that their comrades noticed it.
Yoon kindly ignored it, as did Yona when Hak brought the nature of it to her attention. He always had been the most in-tune with his sister, his connection to her only rivaled by Shin-ah's. When he had seen some kind of internal conflict going on, he steered Jae-ha away, warning him not to mess with them right now.
Even Kija, who was notably the most oblivious out of all of them, could tell that something was off between them.
"Shin-ah?" Calista called out timidly, hating how her voice broke.
The warmth from him had long faded since she was no longer pressed flush up against him. She missed him already and he was right in front of her, just out of her reach. If she stretched out her hand, she could reach him.
But she no longer felt she was deserving of that.
He made a quiet noise of affirmation in the back of his throat that let her know that he heard her but other than that, nothing. He seemed so far away now. Distant and lost, like a child whose light had been snuffed out, whose joy had been depleted.
Calista couldn't take it and her eyes downcast, she spoke in between sniffles. "What can I do to make this right?"
What can I do to have you in my life the way it's always been? What can I do so that we can still be together?
After a long pause, Shin-ah broke the silence. He crossed his arms and his golden orbs narrowed, the usually vibrant color hindered by the cloudiness creeping in around the edges.
His mouth barely moved. "No more."
She balked. "W-What?"
"... Please." He added on so quietly she had to strain to hear him. "I'm scared... you'll die."
After mulling over it ceaselessly for the last couple of days, that was the only solution he could come up with. No more fights. He couldn't take it.
Her breath caught in her throat and her body shook uncontrollably.
Shin-ah's gaze darted away from her and without looking at her, he secured his coat around her without a word. Apparently, she hadn't been so sneaky in covering up her shivering. But his fingers left so fast that she was left wondering if he had really touched her at all.
"Shin-ah, I can't just stop." Calista pleaded, unsure what she was really defending.
Was it because she didn't know who she was without it?
No.
He had shown her what it was like to relax and be herself. She reverted back to a clumsy child who gawked at anything and everything. Thanks to their odd band of friends, that was possible.
Then why—
Her eyes cleared and her whole body went lax as her lips parted in defeated astonishment.
"Shin-ah."
He reluctantly locked eyes with her but his uncertainty gave way to concern when she bowed her head in front of him, that same gesture she showed only when she was sincerely apologetic.
She had already given up on getting him back, fearing that he was too far gone from her. She could no longer reach him.
This was it.
"I can't abandon Yona like that." Calista whispered evenly, the only clue that she was at all bothered was the way her shoulders trembled. "I pledged my loyalty to her the night she escaped Soo-won, and that means being someone she can use at any time, no matter what cost."
With every word, her heart shattered and the distance between them grew as she turned the other way. Tears caught in her eyelashes as she raised her head, the depths of despair weighing in her grey eyes giving away the real meaning.
Shin-ah started when he saw how deeply it hurt her to say that.
She couldn't prioritize what he wanted above what she had dedicated to the princess. She couldn't prioritize him above her.
And it broke her heart.
The reason wasn't lost on Shin-ah and his blue hair fell into his eyes as he bowed his head. "... I understand."
That should've been the end of it.
The heartbreak would've ended with a parting that would've had them both crying in opposite rooms with the door locked so that the other couldn't check up on them like they normally would have. The guilt would've transpired into regret and agony. They would've found that they dragged their feet when it came to the things they usually looked forward to doing together, replaced only with a hollow and empty feeling that made them sick to their stomachs.
And the pure-hearted blue dragon and the hard-as-nails assassin would've been left broken.
At least, that's what would've happened if Calista stopped talking or if Shin-ah had actually taken a step towards the door to leave.
"Besides, if I stop fighting, you'll just have a dead weight on your hands!! I'll be worth nothing." She emphasized her point with her hands, berating herself for her inability to shut her mouth.
Shin-ah openly flinched at her harsh tone and uncrossed his arms, lifting his head ever so slightly. "... That's not true."
"Isn't it?" Calista blurted out, unable to stop herself now. Everything, all her doubts about her capabilities, were flooding back. "I can't help with anything else. Protecting you guys is the only thing I'm kinda good at."
Shin-ah opened his mouth to protest the stance she took but she kept rambling. He couldn't get a word in edgewise. They both missed how they were subconsciously inching towards the other as they picked up on the distress radiating off of each other.
Calista's silver eyes burned with conviction and she hit her cheeks to snap herself out of her daze, snarling at this predicament she had landed herself in before that same sad smile from earlier came back. "If it was just you and I, if we had met under different circumstances, it would be a lot easier to do what you ask."
"Not just because getting hurt gets tiring after a while." She cracked a halfhearted smile at her own joke. "But because you asked me to."
Her eyes saddened a fraction and she wiggled her fingers that had gone cold due to the lack of circulation. "But I can't do it. Not until Yona and Hak are safe for good."
Keeping her hands in her lap, she shifted uneasily on the countertop, her tongue thick in her mouth. Her body felt numb.
"I owe it to them." Calista whispered, wincing at how bad it sounded, even to her own ears. "I chose to follow Yona, I can't stop fighting until she's safe."
The fundamentals of what stemmed from her heart was what caused this. It wasn't miscommunication or simply a lack of understanding. It was because she understood what she had to do was the reason why she knew she was being unfair to him.
"I don't expect you to wait for me." She murmured so softly that he nearly missed it. "I know it's not right for me to ask you that."
Calista knew this meant that she would lose him. And she couldn't prevent the tears from spilling out of her eyes as she quietly cried. But her eyes shot open and she gasped when his warm hand covered hers.
When she wasn't looking, Shin-ah had closed the distance she had put between them and she froze as he took a strand of her hair, tears welling up in her eyes once more as the bells still attached to the front section chimed softly.
The familiar sound only brought a fraction of the usual warmth.
"Yona has Hak." Shin-ah whispered stubbornly, his eyebrows drawing together, wondering why she felt she had to constantly throw herself into danger to protect them.
Calista sighed, running a hand through her hair, avoiding the section he was still holding between his fingers so she didn't dislodge the only physical contact she had with him at the moment. She didn't think he was going to get this close while they were talking, it was making her brain short-circuit. But she wouldn't do anything to change that.
"Yes, but—"
"You get hurt the most... and... I hate it." He admitted with a slight snarl tacked on at the end as tonight's event came rushing back to him.
They were touching her in places that only she had allowed him to. They had no right. It made his blood boil every single time he closed his eyes, that was all he could see.
She couldn't say anything to that. She had never heard him say anything with so much certainty and clarity before.
"I know." Calista steeled herself, squeezing her eyes shut as she fought the heat that rushed to her face. She could feel his body heat and it beckoned to her like no other. The familiarity, the comfort, it was intoxicating. Addicting. "Which is why if you don't want to be with me anymore, I underst—"
The growl that cut her off was so loud, she felt her bones vibrate.
Shin-ah's face was right in front of hers, less than a millimeter away and his chest heaved. "No."
Calista hesitated for a split second. "But it's not fair to y—"
"No."
Her protest was interrupted as he grabbed the back of her neck and aggressively crashed his lips to hers. She arched into his touch as it lit her on fire and she gasped into his mouth as he pulled her hips flush against his, crushing her body to his.
There wasn't a millimeter of space between them.
Her arms slid over his clothed shoulders instinctively to keep her balance and his tongue grazed past her lips, exploring her cavern and marking every inch of territory as his. She whined when he squeezed her side slightly, every nerve hyper-aware as he kissed her feverishly.
"Please, don't ever say that again. I... I don't want that." Shin-ah whispered raggedly as he broke apart from her after a minute. "I won't leave."
Her heart fluttered and a sob escaped her as he threaded his fingers through her hair, resting his forehead against hers. Warm puffs of air fanned across her face and all of the sudden, she felt more awake than ever before.
"I don't ever want you to leave." Calista rushed out in one breath, struggling to make the amends she had tried to follow through with even before realizing where he stood with her. "I'm sorry for even suggesting that we should, ahh— Shin-ah, w-wait, I need to tell you that I'm— eep!!"
She yelped when he picked her up from the edge of the sink. No way it should've been that easy for him, she weighed a lot due to the muscle she had built back up after the Cull. Cupping his hands underneath her bottom, he supported her weight with ease.
Connecting their lips together again, Shin-ah didn't stop until she was a panting mess and completely forgot what she meant to say.
The fervor in which she reciprocated nearly had his knees buckling as he walked them out of the bathroom, without bothering to even clean up. He would take care of it later.
Calista whimpered as he sank down to the floor with her still in his arms, positioning them underneath the only window in the dressing room. When she came up for air, her lungs burning with the need for oxygen, she was astonished to find him gazing at her so tenderly that she almost forgot what had landed them here in the first place.
"But the risks—"
"I know." Shin-ah breathed, combing her hair away from her face as his heart hammered in his chest.
The risks wouldn't go away. Nothing that they would do would change that, it was the path they chose when they decided to follow Yona. And he would never fault her for choosing that. After all, he had chosen the princess too.
Pressing a kiss to the crown of her head, Shin-ah tipped her chin up once more.
There was a chance that they could die at any time but he was willing to take that risk and face his fears if it meant he got to be with her.
Calista's mind was growing fuzzy, draining her ability to think. "W-What?"
Breaking apart from her ever so slightly, less than a hairbreadth away from her, he panted lightly.
"You're worth the risk." He murmured, tucking her hair behind her ears before his hands tangled in her hair and slid down to her waist.
"Shin-ah," She bit her lip, looking at him through hooded eyes. "Are you sure?"
There wasn't an ounce of doubt in his mind. "Yes."
Things would be hard for them both. Every time they ran into battle, there was always a chance they wouldn't come back out. That was a possibility they were willing to chance.
It wouldn't disappear. His desire for her not to run into danger every single time someone was in trouble and her yearning for them all to stay safe would never fade.
But they could work together with it and be there for each other when they came home.
"We'll work through it together." Calista promised quietly. She knew she couldn't promise not to worry him, since that was unavoidable when she cared about someone. "I'll stay by you."
It sounded like the same old promise, but to Shin-ah, he heard something different. He heard a second chance at their relationship. A willingness to fight.
Calista's eyebrows drew together in decisiveness and she nodded firmly. "I'll fight for us, Shin-ah."
No matter what came their way, that would never change. She would not waver. Just like where she stood with Yona, she would stay by his side for as long as he wanted her to.
They were going to come out on the other side.
Shin-ah thumbed away the wet streaks left behind from her tears, commending her for her strength to be able to stand up for what she believed in even though it broke her heart and nearly destroyed their relationship in the hue of their disagreement.
He could meet her halfway. She was more than worth all the endless worrying and risks in the world.
"Entrust Yona to Hak..." He asked of her quietly, softly stroking her hair before cradling her face. "He... can protect her."
The blue dragon who got nervous easily and tended to avoid any types of confrontation due to difference of opinions was opening up to her the same way she had done for him. The last couple days of space between them was arguably the best thing that could have happened, since it gave them both time to think things through and come to terms with what could be done, even if it was anxiety-ridden.
She hadn't given up on him. He had never given up on her.
Shin-ah planted a chaste kiss on her temple, lips brushing the shell of her ear as he murmured, "Am I enough... for someone like you?"
His confidence waned. Underlying admiration and insecurity filled his voice and it cracked her heart.
"Of course you are." Calista whispered with the utmost conviction, carding her fingers through his cropped hair. "I'm so sorry I made you feel like you weren't."
She had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop herself from putting herself down, like what normally happened when she tried to build someone back up. It didn't do anyone any good. She struggled, but he was worth the fight.
He made her want to be better.
"I'm so lucky to have you, Shin-ah." Calista breathed.
Kissing him softly, she nipped his lower lip and sucked on it gently before pulling away. This time, she would properly apologize.
"I'm sorry for making you doubt how much you mean to me by suggesting that we... break up." She almost spat that last part out, hating how it sounded and was glad that that particular option was no longer being considered by either one of them. "I'm sorry for hurting you more by saying that."
Shin-ah bumped his nose against hers, coaxing a small giggle out of the girl sitting in his lap. His arms fell to her waist and he bent his knees slightly, urging her to lay against him.
"... I'm sorry for asking you to stop fighting." He frowned. "That wasn't... It wasn't right."
Calista breathed deeply as she interlocked their fingers together, pressing a kiss to his forehead in reassurance.
"I don't blame you for wanting that, Shin-ah." She muttered under her breath.
She knew that he was only scared. That was normal when he had been the one to see first-hand all of her injuries that she incurred over the period of time since the gang all got together. He was the one who had seen the extent of all of that.
Something would have to change. They couldn't continue on like this. She needed to learn not to be so reckless and also rely even more on her comrades, just like he would have to do his best not to worry about her so much. But until they figured out the right groove that worked for them, they chose to navigate it together rather than alone.
Never once straying from the other's side, even through all the pain. Because they were willing to fight against all the odds.
And maybe, just maybe, they could overcome it together.