Alexander King
I glared at the papers in front of me, my fingers clenching around the pen in my hand.
Anger pummeled against my skin from the inside, bursting to erupt like a volcano. Ten months. It had been ten months since the accident and Oaklee was no closer to remembering.
Everything irritated me and I shouted at anyone who so much as smiled at me.
I had this overwhelming feeling that she would never remember. It was dread and fear and anger. I hated myself and I hated her amnesia. I needed my Oaklee back. She was in front of me, laughing and talking but I couldn't grasp her in my hands. She just kept disappearing like smoke, as soon as my hands were about to wrap around her, she disappeared.
It was heartbreaking and frustrating. Sometimes I thought she remembered me. There would be times where she just looked at me for a second and it was like she was staring at me through my Oaklee's eyes but then she'd blink and when her eyes opened back up, she was gone.
This Oaklee didn't love me like the last. She knew everything about me, I didn't hold back, but she didn't trust me enough. Maybe it was because she was forced upon me and not because we fell in love naturally and slowly the first time. It was gradual and beautiful. This time, I pushed myself on her so it wasn't the same. She wasn't as open, she never talked about her mum or her books like she did before.
"How's your book coming along?" I ask, gesturing to her light grey laptop.
Her eyes widen comically. "How do you know about my books?"
I resist the urge to sigh. It was like this, her questioning everything I knew about her. "You told me Oak. You're 'Octavius Matthews', the mysterious and anonymous author. I've read your books."
"Really? I told you?" Her suspicious and doubtful voice wounds me.
"Yea."
"Why?" She questions in bewilderment.
"Because you trust me."
I sigh as I remember, my heart aching painfully. I rubbed my chest to try and ease the pain but it did nothing. It wasn't physical, not really, it was deep routed emotional pain that caused physical effects. It hurts and nothing could be done to stop it. I felt this often. This was normal but it still hurt.
"How long have I known you?" Her eyebrows furrow adorably as she looks up at me, both of us walking along the canal.
"Before the accident, a year. We had been together five months." I reply, breathing in the cold winter air. Breathing it in was the only relief I could get from the ache inside me as I walked along this familiar route with her, remembering all our memories and conversations and laughter. It was gone now. I was walking in the shadows now, seeing ghosts of the past and feeling the chill as they haunted me.
"So we were boyfriend and girlfriend then? For real?" She clarifies.
"For real." I nod shortly. "This is it!" I exclaim loudly, sending her an apologetic look when she jumps. "This is where we met, at this exact spot."
She looks around, seeing the black and white wooden lock, the raised and rippling canal, the mirrored puddles that rippled when raindrops hit the surface, the dead trees that stand in formation next to us like soldiers.
I grab her arm, pulling her to the spot and then I adjust myself a few feet away, grinning widely at her.
"Right there." I point at the end of the pathway near the trees and dirt. "That's where Zeus and Loki met and started sniffing each others as-butts. We spoke for the first time, right here. I wasn't very nice. My dog walker had to take the day off because of an emergency so I had to take Zeus out. If it wasn't for her then we wouldn't have met "
"We met here?" She smiles slightly and it's almost like my Oaklee is staring at me. I feel hope rise in my chest when her brown eyes light up. Then my hope gets squashed like a boot squishing an ant. "I wish I could remember."
Me too.
Gritting my teeth, I apply more pressure to my chest, digging the heel of my palm in to the left side of it. Is this what heartbreak felt like? Was it possible for your heart to actually shatter? Mine was. I could feel it.
"So I was training Zeus?"
I nod, my lips lifting up slightly. "Yep. It was really annoying because he would pretty much only listen to you."
Them damn stupid butterflies erupted in my stomach at the sound of her melodious and sweet laugh. It was beautiful.
"Zeus." She called sweetly and just a second later his head snapped to her, his pink tongue lolling out in a wolfish grin and he bound over, sprinting to her at full speed, jumping up and landing his front paws on her shoulders.
She shrieked when his weight fell on her. The force from the jump pushed her back and before she could fall I swung my arm behind her, letting her fall in to the safety of me.
"This usually happened as well." I chuckled breathlessly, staring down at her lovingly. Her brown eyes were wide and alert, shocked from the course of events but her lips curved in to a smile and she giggled.
Stop fucking thinking.
"You smiled at someone, you know. A complete stranger. You were walking Loki and Zeus and they smiled at you and you smiled back."
"Really?" She questions skeptically, a tiny frown downturning her plump lips.
I nod. "You did. You had some time after where you panicked and spent a few hours writing your book and forgetting about the world but you did it. And you started seeing Morgan twice a month instead of once."
"Because of you?" Her brown doe eyes widen and her lips form an abscentminded pout.
"I didn't push you to do it or anything." I warn, to make sure she knows I wouldn't do anything like that. Apart from betraying her and hurting her in the worst way possible. Shut up! "You did it because you were happier, you felt calmer with me. We helped each other."
She was quiet for a moment. I could practically hear the clogs turning in her mind. "How did I help you?"
"You showed me that not everyone was money hungry. You showed me that I wasn't just Alexander King, that I had Alex deep inside. You brought back my old self and you made me happy. You still do." I answer earnestly, softening my voice and hoping my eyes convey my love for her.
"Are you angry at me that I can't remember anything?" She asks quietly, looking almost scared for the answer. She shrunk back in to the sofa, away from me.
I closed my eyes, willing the pain to go away. Ever since Morgan told me the truth, there had been constant knives stabbing and tearing at my heart. It hurt so much sometimes that I couldn't function, I just had to wait it out like heartburn.
"I'm not angry with you." I'm angry at myself. I fucking hate myself. "I could never blame you or be angry at you." Except for the time when I did blame you and I did hate you. When I caused all this. "I just want you to remember me. To remember us."
"I wish I could." She whispers, trying to console me. She was so precious. I didn't deserve her. "I try to remember but there's nothing there. It's like I've been wiped clean of the last year."
'It's probably her brains way trying to forget the thing that caused her to have a panic attack and hit her head on the kitchen counter' I thought bitterly.
"It will come back." I promised. I hope it does.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Clenching my teeth, I dug my heel further in to my chest, hoping to relieve more of the pain. Stabbing myself with an actual knife would hurt less than this. It was agonising. It was my fault. I deserved this.
"We spent Christmas together."
Her head snapped to me at the sound of my voice, I heard the click in her neck and she winced. I fought the urge to give her a massage as we sat on her sofa. "I don't celebrate Christmas."
"I know." My lips curved in to a small smile. "You order pizza on Christmas eve, eat half of it and save the rest for Christmas day. You buy Loki a small chicken to eat and you watch Christmas movies. Elf is your favourite."
Shock absorbed her features and she looked almost scared that I knew all that. "How do you know that?"
I nearly sighed but I forced another smile. "You told me. I asked you to spend Christmas with me and my family and you said yes after some persuasion. We spent it with my family and you met my dad, you called him pretty, my sister, her husband and her twins."
"Why would I say yes?" She asked in confusion.
"Because I said Zeus would want you and Loki there. You couldn't say no after hearing that the dogs would want you there." I laughed quietly.
She nodded hesitantly. "And I liked it? How many panic attacks did I have?"
"None."
I picture her shocked face on my mind after that conversation. It took a while for her to believe that she didn't have any panic attacks.
"Mr King there's a woman here to see you. I'm sending her through. She says it's urgent." My receptionists voice blasted through the intercom.
I didn't bother responding, knowing she was just going to send her in anyway.
I dropped my palm to my desk, clenching my fingers around the pen again. I kept my eyes down, trying to calm myself and the pain. I heard the door open and close quietly behind whoever it was.
"Alex?"