Alexander King
Being around Oaklee and not being able to hug or kiss her or even hold her hand was slowly killing me. I spent nearly every day with her, wanting her to get to know me as much as she could. I silently hoped that if she spent more time with me then her memory from the last year would resurface.
Every day I either spent the whole day with her, going about our normal routine, or popped in half way through the day. I slowly introduced her to Zeus, not wanting him to overwhelm her with his excitement of seeing her. She doesn't remember him.
I longed that I would turn up one day and she would remember me. She would say my name in her melodious voice, as a sigh like its the first time she's seeing me in such a long time. I would see her brown eyes light up with love, a smile would bloom on her face and my heart would explode from the warmth, happiness and love that descends upon me.
Of course, I knew that was a fantasy. When she remembers me, it won't be like that at all. She'll cry and flinch away from me, just like she did when I shouted at her that day, when I closed in on her, when I glared at her with so much fury that I was physically shaking and when I chucked the engagement ring at her.
That day was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I don't know what possessed me to find her father and ask him for his blessing. I knew their relationship was troubled but I thought she'd love me even more for it. I thought she'd thank me for reconciling their relationship and she'd say yes to the most important question of our lives.
I was wrong.
I should have known as soon as I saw the brown tiny house that was practically falling apart in the disgusting and eerie neighbourhood. I should have known when I noticed the brown, dead and lifeless grass overgrown in the front garden and the weeds sprouting through the cobbled and broken driveway.
But when I saw his face, when he stumbled out of the door, slurring and grinning like the Cheshire cat on ketamine, I was fourteen again, in that car crash where my mum died. I saw her dead body over the dashboard, a dark red substance covering her head and pooling on to her lap and when I looked up, when my eyesight focused again, I saw him. He stumbled out of the car, he danced and swayed across the street, and left after killing my mum.
I assumed she knew. It was her dad and every part of me blamed her. I didn't think of why she had anxiety, I didn't think why she couldn't stand being around people and I definitely didn't ask myself why she flinched a lot when we first met. I didn't think. I just saw red.
So after I beat the living daylights out of the drunk murderer in front of me, I went to her.
I wish I calmed down and let her explain. I wish I never said those things to her. I caused her panic attack and I caused her amnesia. I deserved to feel the pain every night while I tried to sleep. I deserved to feel the constant stabbing of knives in my chest.
I wasn't giving up, never would I give up, she was the only person I've ever loved and I needed her. I didn't deserve her and I was horrible to her, I was the cause of her panic attack, her accident and her amnesia but I couldn't let her go. I just begged that when her memory did come back, then she'd hear me out and listen to me before leaving me.
I was incredibly selfish, I knew this, but I needed her. She was the only person I let in after my mum died and I know I was the only person she let in after her mum died. After her dad abused her for eleven years. Just thinking that caused my anger to burn within me. I clenched my fists tightly, stopping myself from punching something, more specifically his head again and again again.
I betrayed her trust but I wasn't going to leave unless she ordered me away herself.
"Did we have sex?" She whispers to me quietly, a look of embarrassment and humiliaton masking her face by even asking the question. She makes it sound like a sin, like she shouldn't be saying the words out loud.
"Yes." I reply unashamed, smirking slightly as I say it. I forget about my previous thoughts and focus on her. Instantly, my anger melts away as I continue to stare at her plump lips, round face and doe brown eyes that portrayed her innocence. She was gorgeous, the most beautiful girl in the world.
She sit back, crimson painting her face as she blushes and she avoid my eyes. She bites her lip, looking everywhere while she whispers out another question. "Was it good?"
"Yes." My smirk widens, watching her as she squirm and turn in to a shade of a tomato that shouldn't be able to happen at all. "It was very good. You liked it and I definitely liked it."
"How do you know if I liked it?" She did that cute little thing with her head, tilting it innocently while the blush intensified.
"Because the noises you made told me so." I closer, tucking a brown lock of her hair behind her ear. It was so soft, so gorgeous. Just like her.
I probably shouldn't have been this open with her, especially when she didn't know any of this but I couldn't help myself from silently declaring her as mine. She had to know how comfortable she was around me and how much she loved me.
"Oh." She just sits there, herface bright pink now. "Were they good noises? Or did I sound like a pig?"
I choke out a laugh, not expecting those questions to escape her plump, delicious and totally kissable lips. A small smile upturned her lips while she watched me laugh. "They were very sexy."
"Oh."
I turn back round to watching the movie we put on. I was very aware of her shifting closer to me slightly and her teeth chewing on her bottom lip. All I wanted to do was lean over and take her bottom lip in to my mouth like I did so many times before, emitting a sexy moan from her lips. That moan would both cause a groan from me as it was the sexiest noise in all the world, and it would cause the brightest red to paint her face. She was adorable.
"What was our argument about?" I feel her eyes on me while we watch the film.
I shake my head, not taking my eyes off the screen. "We're not talking about it."
She has asked this question a lot, her natural curiosity beating her anxiety of asking questions. My answer was the same every time though: no.
I hear her exhale. "Why not? I deserve to know."
Sighing, I pause the movie and turn to her, my gaze eyes gentle but determined. My hand raises and cups her jaw, the pad of my thumb circling her cheek soothingly. Her skin was so soft and delicate, like a vintage and rare dolls.
A sigh escapes her as I continue my movement with my thumb. A small smile lifted my lips. She didn't flinch or pull away. She was becoming more comfortable around me.
"We will have this conversation when you remember."
"But-"
"No." I shake my head stubbornly, my eyes hardening slightly. "It wouldn't be fair if we had this conversation now, you don't remember, it wouldn't be a fair argument. When you remember we will talk about it."
"What if I never remember?" She asks quietly, staring in to my eyes.
I exhale, pecking her forehead lightly. I probably shouldn't have but it was habit. I couldn't think about her never remembering me, never remembering our past. A small part of me would be relieved so she would never remember what I said to her, what I accused her of but as soon as the thought invaded my mind, I cast it away. That is unfair and unjust to her, it's a disgusting thought. I couldn't do that to her. I can't wish she never regains her memory because I'm scared that she'll leave me if she does. I had to make it her decision, with the memories or not.
"Then at some point we will need to discuss it and see what you want to do when you find out why we argued but we're not doing it now. It's only been three months since the accident. The doctor said it could take up to a year." I finally say through the lump that builds in my throat.
"So a year." She replies. "If I don't have my memory back in a year then we'll talk about it. Deal?"
I stay silent for a while, just staring in to her eyes while my thumb strokes circles on her cheek. That was fair. A year. That would give me enough time to get her to fall in love with me. She'll love me and when she finds out what I did, she won't be able to leave me. She can't leave me.
Finally, I nod. "Okay. A year."