Kabanata 42
Risks and Chances
"H-How did you find out?" I asked.
We're in his town house. We both decided to talk about our private matters in a place where we can understand each other properly. This is the best time to tell him everything... and to apologize for all of the bad things I have done to him.
I heard him sigh. He walked towards the bed and sat there. Itinaas niya ang isang paa habang ang isa ay nakalaylay. He tapped the white matress while staring at me.
"Dito ka..." sabi niya.
May ilang segundo pa akong nakatayo sa harapan niya bago bumuntong hininga. Umikot ako sa kabilang gilid at marahang umakyat ng kama.
All throughout my life, I've never felt shy facing other people. Ngayon lang sa harapan ni Alas dahil alam kong malaki ang naging kasalanan ko sa kaniya. Maging ako ay nahihiya sa mismong ginawa ko.
Hindi pa man tuluyang nakakaupo sa tabi niya ay hinawakan niya na ang kamay ko at buong ingat akong tinulungan makalapit sa kaniya. As soon as I'm done settling myself beside him, he placed his hand on my waist and pulled me closer.
"How are you feeling?" he asked instead of answering my question.
Ngumuso ako. "Answer me first. How did you find out? Sino sa pamilya ko ang nagsabi sa'yo?"
"Zadriel,"
Bumuntong hininga ako. "He can't really shut his mouth."
"If it's not your brother, I won't be able to know that you're pregnant with my child."
"Sasabihin ko naman sa'yo-"
"Kailan pa?" putol niya mismo sa akin.
"I was just thinking of the right way to tell you about this. Isa pa, nahihiya ako sa'yo matapos ng ginawa ko. I thought it's really unforgivable-"
"Nothing's unforgivable when it comes to you, Ania. Kahit gaano pa kabigat ang kasalanan mo sa akin. Magagawa pa rin kitang patawarin."
Tumungo ako, huminga ng malalim. Nakakaramdam ako ng pagkailang sa klase ng tema na meron kami pero alam kong kailangan ko 'to harapin.
"Hindi mo ba itatanong sa akin kung bakit ko nagawang magpanggap sa'yo?"
Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. He's looking ahead of us, his hand was leaving my waist some gentle caress.
"I have so many reasons running in my head, Ania. Kung iisa-isahin ko ay baka maunahang lang ako ng katotohanang takot kang sumugal habang kasama mo ako at hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't-isa. Na hindi mo ako minahal," bumuntong hininga siya. "I don't want to put those kind of thoughts in my head."
Sunod-sunod ang naging pag-iling ko habang nakatingin sa kaniya. He glanced at me, drilling his perilous eyes on mine.
"Minahal kita, at mahal na mahal pa rin kita, Alas. Being too much in love with you has put me on the situation where I found myself getting afraid that we might face problems I couldn't handle. Na palagi na lang may hahadlang sa atin. Iniisip mong matapang ako pero kabaliktaran iyon. Duwag ako, Alas. Duwag ako pagdating sa'yo."
He didn't quit staring at me. Para bang sinasaulo niya ang bawat parte ng aking mukha sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa skin.
"Whatever problem we'll be facing in the future, always remember that I'll hold your hand until we we get through it. I promise to be with you during our fights and that we'll stay strong and still in love with each other as we grow older..." Mas lalo niya akong inilapit sa kaniya bago maingat na ikinulong sa kaniyang bisig. "Hindi lang naman ikaw ang naduduwag sa ating dalawa. Maging ako rin. Naduduwag akong mawala ka."
Tears burst out of my eyes as I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried.
"I'm sorry, Alas. I'm sorry if I lied to you. Patawarin mo ako kung pinagmukha kitang tanga-"
"The day I found out that you're lying to me, I already forgave you. Nagalit ako, pero kinalimutan ko rin agad," natawa siya. "Masiyado kitang mahal para intindihin ko ang galit ko sa'yo."
Hindi ako sumagot. Nanatili lang akong nakayakap sa kaniya, patuloy na tumatangis.
"Gustuhin ko mang layuan ka kagaya ng gusto mo, hindi ko magawa. Makulit ako magmahal, Ania. Kapag ginusto ko, ipagpipilitan ko. I don't care if you find me annoying. I'll still prove to you that this annoying man will always be worthy of your love."
Umiling ako. "You always deserve the best, Alas. You love so deep and genuine that I found you too much for me. Pakiramdam ko, masiyado akong kulang para sa'yo. I was even ready to accept that I won't be able to win you back-"
"Kaya itatago mo ang tungkol sa anak natin? May anak o wala, Ania, babalikan pa rin kita. Ipagpipilitan ko pa rin ang sarili ko sa'yo kahit pa paulit-ulit mo akong ipagtabuyan. Can't imagine myself being with someone else anymore..." he whispered and gave the side of my head a soft kiss. "I already found my home in your arms."
Mas lalong umagos ang luha mula sa mga mata ko. I don't know how I get so lucky having him. Mas lalo lang niyang pinapatunayan sa akin na ako ang lubos na naging swerte dahil nakilala ko siya, dahil minahal niya ako, dahil kami ang pinagtagpo ng tadhana.
It's as if our souls touched long before our hands ever did.
"Don't cry. It's bad for our baby." he uttered huskily.
Pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Sabay kaming kumalas mula sa pagkakayakap. He wiped the tears from my cheeks using his thumb and kissed them away. Pinatakan niya pa ako ng halik sa aking noo bago ako tinitigan sa mga mata.
It's then he placed his hand on top of my still flat belly and caressed it.
"How long has she been there?" he asked while staring at my belly, eyes glittering in happiness.
My brows furrowed. "She?"
He smirked. "I can feel that she's a girl. And if that happens, I want her to grow just like you. Masiyado akong patay na patay sa'yo na maging ang magiging anak natin ay gusto kong katulad mo."
Natawa ako, ramdam ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi. "Haven't been in to an Obstetrician."
Tumango siya, ang mga mata ay nasa tiyan ko. He crouched and kissed it softly.
"Sasamahan kita sa hospital kung ganoon."
"Before that, can I ask you a favor?"
He lifted his eyes to my face and nodded once. "Anything."
"Let's go to your family house. I want to talk to your parents. Pakiramdam ko ay kailangan kong ipaliwanag sa kanila ang sarili ko-"
"You don't have to, Ania. They all understand you. You don't have to stress yourself about this-"
"I won't stress myself over this matter, Alas. Gusto ko lang talaga sila makausap. They deserve an explanation and apology from me."
He bit his lower lip while eyeing me intently. Bumuntong hininga siya saka tumango, wala nang nagawa pa.
"We'll go there tomorrow after breakfast."
Ngumiti ako sa kaniya saka siya niyakap muli. He accepted my hug and let out a soft exhale on my neck while nuzzling it.
"Thought I'm going to lose you forever."
I slightly pulled from our hug and kissed him on the cheek. Niyakap ko siya pabalik, yakap na hindi na kailanman bibitaw pa.
"Not anymore," I whispered sincerely. "That's a promise I'm intend to keep as long as I'm breathing."
Nagising ako kinabukasan dahil sa matinding pagbaliktad ng sikmura ko. I rose from the bed and ran towards the bathroom. Yumuko ako sa sink at sumuka. Ramdam ko ang matinding pait sa aking panglasa habang nakakaramdam ng pagkahilo. It's just seconds of standing there when I felt a hand caressing my back.
"You okay?" he asked. Sinikop niya ang buhok ko at hinawakan ito babang patuloy ako sa pagsusuka.
I nodded as soon as I got up after gargling water.
"I'm fine. Morning sickness."
"Part of pregnancy?"
"Yes."
"Are you always like this every morning? May kailangan ka ba inumin para umayos ang pakiramdam mo?"
Pinuno ko ng hangin ang aking dibdib at nanghihina siyang hinarap. Inalalayan niya ako palabas ng banyo hanggang sa makarating kami ng kama at isandal ako roon. He sat in front of me and massaged my hand.
"Mommy said that this is normal. First trimester is really that hard according to her."
He sighed. "We need to have you checked as soon as possible. Can we do it this morning? Bago tayo magpunta sa bahay nila mama."
Tumango ako. "Maliligo na ako at mag-aayos-"
"Kailangan mo ng katulong?"
Nagsalubong ang kilay ko. "Katulong saan?"
"Sa pagligo. I have to come with you to make sure that you'll be okay." he smirked.
Inirapan ko siya, natatawa. Kahit hindi niya sabihin, alam kong may kalakip na kalokohan ang mga salita niyang iyon.
"We can't do that."
The smirk on his lips didn't vanish. Sa halip ay mas lumalim pa ito, tila may kalokohan na namang naglalaro sa isipan.
"Remind me to ask the doctor about that."
♡♡♡
Matapos mag-almusal ay nagtungo agad kami sa hospital para magpa-check up. We both discovered that I'm running to three months pregnant. Alas was teary eyed the moment we heard our baby's heart beat for the first time. I can't even believe that I'm carrying someone precious inside me.
Being pregnant with his baby feels like a sign of new life and hope for the both of us. Hindi ko inasahan kailanman na sa ganitong klase ng sitwasyon kami magkakaroon ng anak. I didn't even expect that we will end up having a baby even after of everything that happened to us.
I guess this baby is heaven's way to show that Alas and I are meant to be together.
Tita Sandra is already sitting on the couch as soon as we got inside the living room. Sa tabi niya ay naroon si Tito Russell at Sunshine. I smiled at them, a bit shy and awkward. Tumayo si tita pagkakita sa akin at sinalubong ako ng mahigpit na yakap.
"You don't have to explain anything. I understand you, Ania. What important is you and Alas are now back to each other again."
Yumakap ako pabalik sa kaniya, ramdam ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung parte ba ng pagbubuntis ang pagiging emosyonal ko o talagang masiyado lang ako natutuwa sa mga nangyayari ngayon.
"I'm really sorry, Tita Sandra, Tito Russell and Sunshine. Mali ang ginawa ko, masiyado akong nagpadalos-dalos nang hindi man lang inisip na masasktan si Alas." sabi ko, tuluyan nang pinangunahan ng mga luha.
"Lahat ng nagmamahal ay nakakagawa ng maling desisyon, lahat nagpapadalos-padalos. The good thing is your learned to realize that your love for each other is bigger than anything else." sagot ni Tito Russell dahilan para mas lalo akong maiyak.
Damn this pregnancy hormones. I'm starting to become a cry baby.
Nang tingnan ko si Sunshine ay seryoso itong nakamasid sa akin. Inisip kong hindi niya na talaga ako magugustuhan pa lalo na at niloko ko si Alas ngunit nang ngitian niya ako ay literal na gumaan ang dibdib ko.
"Welcome to the family," she said that made my smile grow wide.
"Thank you, Shine..." I whispered through my cracked voice.
We decided to deliver the good news to them that I'm now pregnant. Hindi magkandamayaw sa tuwa si Tita Sandra at Tito Russell. This is the first grandchild of the Trajano and they couldn't be more excited.
"I'm happy that things are going well between us."
Sa gitna ng pagmamaneho, nilingon ako ni Alas upang ngitian at hawakan ang kamay ko. He's now driving in one hand as he brought his attention back to the road.
"Hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kasaya ngayon..." sagot niya. "Hearing you say in front of my family that you want to marry me again is something I didn't expect."
Natawa ako. "Iyon naman talaga ang plano natin, hindi ba? Masiyado lang naging liko ang utak ko kaya naudlot."
Hindi ko nakakalimutan ang reaksyon ni Alas nang sabihin ko sa harap nila Tita Sandra na matutuloy na ang kasal namin at hindi na patatagalin pa. His reaction in front of his family was beyond priceless.
Lumiko ang kotse ni Alas sa isang intersection. I have no idea where we're heading right now. I just let him drive and bring me wherever he wants.
He didn't answer and continues driving. Nakuntento na rin ako sa pagmamasid sa mga tanawin sa labas. The place is becoming familiar to me. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay minsan na akong dinala ni Alas dito. It's not so long when his black SUV stopped under a huge mango tree. Sa gilid ay naroon ang isang malaking bahay.
"Isn't this the place where you want to build your house for your family?" I asked out of nowhere while still staring at the house.
He chuckled. "For you, you mean?"
Bumaling ako sa kaniya at nakitang titig na titig siya sa akin. Nakaangat ang sulok ng labi niya at tila ba niloloko ako. Just before I could say anything, he went out of the car and opened the door for me. Looking puzzled, I also walked down and accepted his hand.
As far as I can remember, wala pang bahay ang nakatayo sa loteng ito.
Inalalayan ako ni Alas maglakad hanggang sa sabay kaming sumandal sa mismong harapang ng kotse niya. The sun is already settling down. Kulay kahel na ang langit at ang hangin ay nagsisimula na ring lumamig. Ang anino ng mga dahon mula sa puno ng mangga ay nakakatuwang pagmasdan sa mismong haligi ng bahay.
Ipinulupot niya ang kamay sa aking bewang habang ang paningin ay nasa bahay rin.
"I had this house built the day after I brought you here. Hindi pa tayo noon pero may nararamdaman na ako para sa'yo. Kung tatanungin mo ako kung bakit ko ipinatayo ito matapos kitang dalhin dito noon, isa lang ang isasagot ko sa'yo..." bumuntong hininga siya. "I have already seen myself falling in love with you. Alam kong magiging malalim, iyong mahihirapan akong umahon. Look at me now, fucking in love with you that I can't even measure it."
Literal akong hindi nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko, hindi makapaniwala sa mga salitang narinig mula sa kaniya.
"Ipinatayo mo ito para sa akin?" tanong ko.
"I did. Am I too advance? Hindi pa man ako sigurado noon kung magiging tayo nga pero heto ako at pinagawan ka na agad ng bahay." Humalakhak siya.
Hindi na napigilan pa, pumihit ako paharap sa kaniya at mahigpit siyang niyakap.
"Thank you, Alas. Salamat dahil hindi mo ako sinukuan. It's not really me who have to take the risk of loving you. It's you, it's always been you. Mahirap akong pakisamaham. Mahirap akong mahalin pero sumugal ka. Nagkamali ako sa'yo, pero heto ka at binigyan ako ng pagkakataon na sumaya kasama ka at ang magiging anak natin. Thank you for always taking the risks..." I sobbed and gave his lips a soft kiss. "And for giving me endless chances. I love you."
He put his lips back on mine and gave me long and passionate kisses. He pulled back, rested his forehead while staring intently into my eyes.
"You, my love, are always worth the risks and chances." he whispered and kissed my lips again.