I spent the weekend mentally preparing myself for seeing Joakim again on Monday. It was one thing to go to school and see him when we both ignored each other, but a whole nother thing when I still remembered clear as day what had happened between us on Friday.
Surprisingly I hadn't worried that much about the incident between me and Kuisma, and we had successfully swept it under the rug. Did I think about it all the time though? Probably, but I tried not to. I had likely just imagined the entire thing.
On Monday morning I was tempted to skip school, but I knew it wouldn't be any easier to go back the day after tomorrow.
I made it to the classroom before most of the students, and my heart skipped a beat every time I heard the door open. Every time it was someone else. Only halfway of the morning lecture, I let myself to relax: Joakim wasn't coming.
At lunch I kept glancing around, but there was no sign of him either. Joakim didn't come to school that day. Only on the second day people started asking about him. Apparently he hadn't been in the flat either, which seemed to bother Fareed. They weren't in good terms, but he was understandably curious.
Joakim had vanished without a trail. I would be lying if I said I wasn't relieved, but by the end of the week his disappearance started troubling me as well. I didn't want him back and I didn't feel bad for him, but he did disappear after our bathroom incident. He had been acting weird and now he was gone.
Maybe he went to see his parents and skipped school for a week? It wouldn't be the first time someone did something like that, and I have to say that did sound like something Joakim would do. If not otherwise, for the dramatic impression.
It took over a week until I heard of him again — or maybe I should say: until I read of him again. Not from the school paper, Instagram or even a text, but from an old school letter.
"There's a letter for you." Kuisma handed me a letter, when he came back to the flat on Sunday evening.
"What?"
"It was at the door and it has your name on it", Kuisma shrugged. For some reason he looked like he had seen a ghost: his face was ashen and he had a startled look in his eyes.
"Are you okay?" I inquired before looking at the letter on my hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Who sent it?" Kuisma asked, clearly unwilling to talk about his state of mind. I would have to ask him later, but at that moment I just looked at the letter more closely.
It was a plain white envelope, my name written on it with diligent handwriting. When I opened it, there was a sheet of paper covered with the same script. I knew whom the letter was from even before I started reading.
Hi, Daniel,
I don't know if you're reading this or not. I'm not writing this so that you'd forgive me and I'm not trying to make you believe I was justified to do the things I did. I just want to tell you my side of it.
I actually thought I had found someone I'd like to have something more serious with and I fucked that up. I know it's no excuse, but the truth is I panicked.
When you talked with my brother, it occurred to me I could lose you. I thought I could make you forget what he said if I got you so wasted.. and when I wasn't sure that would work I thought I could make you one of my flings. I think I just lost it, and I'll regret that the rest of my life.
It's not enough, but I want you to know I'm so fucking sorry. I get it if you want to report it, and I wouldn't blame you. Maybe you just want to forget everything that happened between us, and me being gone will make that easier.
I said you wouldn't find anyone better than me, but you will. Anyone is better than me. It was just a pathetic lie, like the ones I told you that night. Maybe you have already found someone better than me, and despite what I said earlier, I really hope you have. You should ask Kuisma what really happened when we had that fight. He's not a bad guy, I am.
I fucked up really bad. I'm not coming back to school. I won't go into details, but I made some idiotic choices and got kicked out. It's probably for the best.
I wanted you to know how sorry I am. I'll try to do better and I won't hurt anyone the way I hurt you.
Joakim
I read the letter twice, even though I didn't need to do that: I remember everything I read. I wonder if Joakim remembered that when he wrote those words for me.
I knew I would never forget them, and that's why I think having brain like mine was both a blessing and a curse. I don't have to spend time rereading things, but once I read something it's imprinted in my mind for good. That was the first thing that popped up on my mind, when I sat there holding the letter.
"Joakim got kicked out from school", I whispered flatly. I'm not sure if I was talking to Kuisma or just thinking out loud. "He's not coming back."
"Really? Did he say why?" Kuisma asked. He seemed concerned, and I'm not entirely sure why. He didn't like Joakim, he hadn't done anything wrong and I wasn't freaking out.
"He said he 'made some idiotic choices' and that he isn't coming back."
"But isn't that good? You don't have to see him every day at school", Kuisma sounded cautious — and hopeful.
"It is", I agreed while carefully folding the letter back in the envelope.
Even though Joakim had wanted explain me everything from his point of view, I almost felt like I was left with more questions. He did have feelings for me after all? What idiotic choices? And more importantly..
"What really happened when you had that fight?" I turned to look at Kuisma, who blinked a couple of times.
"Are you sure you want to know?" And since I was absolutely certain I needed to know, Kuisma finally told me his side of the story.
He had heard Joakim bragging about me to Viljo and Fareed. He hadn't exactly been discreet about it and Kuisma wasn't the only one who could hear it. Joakim had said things like: ''I've never been with an Asian guy'' and that my ''good looks was a nice plus''. Then he had said something about me being easily tricked for a genius. There was apparently more something as kind, but Kuisma said it was irrelevant. So, long story short, Kuisma had gotten fed up with Joakim's bullshit and asked him to stop, which had made Joakim angry and he had punched Kuisma first.
"He's really an asshole", I muttered, running a hand through my hair.
If possible, I felt even more puzzled after hearing that. Did Joakim have feelings for me or not? What was I for him exactly?
"Why didn't you tell me this back then?" I furrowed my brows.
"Would you have believed me?" Kuisma asked and hesitated before continuing: "Look, I'm not a nice guy. I don't do sweet talk, I have no idea how to seem likable and I have a bad temper. I wasn't giving you much to believe in, so why would you have believed me over him?"
I wanted to tell Kuisma I would have believed him, but I couldn't say that for sure. I was a fool back then and I used to believe everything Joakim told me. I felt like an asshole.
"I don't know", I sighed. "But seriously, you're like the nicest guy I've ever known." That much I knew for sure.
One thing the letter told me was that the drama between me and Joakim was finally over. I still had questions, but I wasn't sure if I really needed the answers. I just wanted to leave Joakim in the past and burn the brigdes, so he would never find his way back to my life.