PANSY'S POV
This morning when I woke up I felt like shit like always but this time I had someone to blame. Merlin, I swear I'm going to make her life a living hell even if it gets me expelled. I would do anything to let her feel the pain that she made me feel. She is going to wish she never walked down the hall that day.
Who does she believe she is? Threatening me? I am fucking Pansy Parkinson. She's going to face way worse than this for her actions. I pledge to make her life miserable until our time in Hogwarts.
"Pansy, what are you thinking about?" Draco inquired, seeing as I wasn't eating or paying attention to their conversation.
"Drakey poo," Ugh, I hated calling him that, but mother dearest thinks I should. And, it annoys him, so I don't have to speak to him." Do you know about Diggory's sister?"
"The one that saved you from expulsion?" Blaise questioned.
Saved me? What is he talking about? Seeing my puzzled face, he tried to explicate.
"You know when she caught you bullying a Ravenclaw first year, and instead of snitching she saved your ass and that's why you only got detention," he finalized.
"Yeah, well she finally snitched, and I need to teach her a lesson so that she never mess with me again,"
"Huh? Why would she do that? Honestly, I don't want to pursue your plans to get us expelled," Blaise tried to reason with me.
"Is it because you are scared of expulsion or because you fancy her?" Draco snickered.
What the fuck? Does Blaise fancy y/n? My y/n?
"How do you guys feel about me asking her out for yule ball? I mean she must be thrilled about the ball, her brother is participating in the tournament,"
She would not say yes to Blaise, would she?
"Guys, I don't feel so good, I'm going to head to my dorm and sleep," after saying my goodbyes, I departed for my dorm so that I don't have to heed their stupid, meaningless conversation anymore.
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I am so angry all the time, and so sad, and it screams inside me and never ceases. Day after day I inflict pain on others. It's strangely calming. I know their pain will stop whenever I want it to. I was the one who decided when it should start; I will be the one to decide when it stops. Not only that, but I draw some comfort from the idea that I'm in control. It's the only kind of pain I hold some command over. If only I could control my inner pain like this.
At this point, I wish I knew this was not the truth. My emotions run loose, which isn't her fault, None of this is her fault. If only I knew I could have had a future, a happy future, with her. Right now I wasn't cognizant of all of this. I did not know that she was the medicine for my disease, a cure for my illness. Yet, here I was treating her like a drug, a drug that would only make me sicker instead of liberating my pain.
This constant pain of not belonging, this feeling of not being able to be me made me sick. It made me so sick that instead of accepting the cure I was overdosing on a drug. A drug that wasn't only harming me, but also those who were near me. I am a grenade that will ruin everything around me once I blow up.
My parents expect me to be this perfect pureblood girl who is supposed to marry Draco fucking Malfoy. I'm said to have his babies, so they could carry our name. What fucking name? Merely because they have certain people as their parents that make them fucking superior to others? When poppy was dating that half-blood, I reckoned she would discontinue the loop. I thought she would go to our parents and tell them that their actions are bullshit, that their actions are ruining lives. Telling an eleven-year-old that she is alleged to marry a guy so that they could take their family name further? What a fucked up thing that is.
It's not like I did not try to play along to please them. I did try, I ran after Draco the whole time, saw him every day hoping I would feel something for him, but I did not. My heart had to go soft for that Hufflepuff. I don't know why I feel so betrayed, but I do, and I need her to feel this pain so that I could cease feeling like shit.
I carry all this hatred and anger, but I could never impose it on the people who hurt me. Whom am I kidding? I can blame it on my parents, but the truth is it is me. I am hurting myself by choosing not to heal. She could have cured me. I could have healed by letting her explain herself when she pleaded. I could have had all of her, but right now I had none of her, and that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Unfortunately, I choose to deal with these emotions the only way I know how to: by hurting others, this time specifically, her.
A/N- Pansy's point of view always scares the shit out of me for no reason. It just shocks me every time that my mind is capable of writing such dark shit. Writing her is so intimidating, and I think I'm going to stop with it for a while. I want y/n (us) to hate Pansy, because she's a bully and the shit she does is not justifiable, and I feel like that writing her point of view kinda makes her actions understandable.
Also, I don't know if you've noticed but her thoughts and emotions are all over the place because she isn't dealing with them in a healthy way. I just wanted you all to know that she is a v complex character who is struggling with so much internal turmoil that she hasn't even started questioning why she's so mad at y/n or why does it bother her sm.
Plus, her chapters tend to get dark, and I don't want the theme to be this dark in year 4. I would bring back her chapters as soon as her internal turmoil about her family decreases a little and goes on to her sexuality and y/n. I hope you understand.
With love,
Pri