"I need you to talk to Alex," Izzie blocked Erin in the hallway of the Grey house. Erin raised her eyebrows.
"I'm naked, Izzie," she said.
"I need you to talk to Alex," she said again. Erin motioned to her naked body.
"Again, tits are on display and I have Jesse waiting in my bedroom for me. What's so important?" she asked.
"Rebecca wasn't pregnant. It was a hysterical one and now she's staying downstairs with him," Izzie said. Erin looked at Izzie with a frown.
"And you're poking your nose in it, right?" she said.
"What?" Izzie said.
"Alex knows what he's doing and I get that you're trying to look out for him but you're just gonna piss him off and send him in the wrong direction. He knows his limits and if he's struggling, he'll come to us for help. Leave him be," Erin said.
"I need you to talk to him!" Izzie cried. Erin sighed.
"Fine," she said. She walked to the top of the stairs. "Alex?" she shouted.
"Yeah?" he called upstairs.
"Everything good with you and Rebecca? Need anything?" she said.
"Got any clothes? You're more her size," he appeared at the bottom of the stairs.
"Give me a minute," she said. He nodded and she ran to grab some clothes. She threw them down to him.
"Thank you," he said.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
"I can handle it," he said. She nodded.
"Here if you need anything," she said. He nodded and walked away. She looked back at Izzie. "There you go," she said.
"That's not what I meant," Izzie said.
"Do it yourself. I'm not your slave," Erin rolled her eyes. She walked to the bathroom and grabbed some condoms, walking back to her room with Jesse.
"I want to talk a bit more about your suicide attempt when you were fifteen," Dr. Wyatt said. Erin looked at her lap.
"Okay," she said.
"I only bring it up because Meredith told me about your mother. I can't say anything other than that but she said you knew," she said.
"She slit her wrists in the kitchen. I was two. Meredith was five. Dad had left but Richard wouldn't leave Adele. She made Meredith promise not to call the ambulance so she had to wait until she'd passed out and then could do it," Erin said. Wyatt hummed.
"Why did you do it?" she asked. Erin sighed.
"I was struggling with my sexuality. Really struggling. Mom was homophobic and for a bisexual teenager, that's hard to deal with. Meredith had gone out and so had my mom so I figured I'd just do it, end all of the pain. I tried to slit my wrists but Meredith found me before I could die," Erin said.
"Do you still have the scars?" Wyatt asked. Erin nodded and rolled up her sleeves, showing her wrists to Wyatt.
"It was bad. I almost died. I'm glad I didn't," Erin said, leaning back against the couch.
"You're glad you didn't. That's good," Wyatt smiled. "When did you feel glad?" she asked.
"Like, how long after did I realise I fucked up?" Erin said. Wyatt chuckled and nodded.
"Yes," she said.
"I don't know," Erin decided. "I was pissed off. For a while. Really pissed. I struggled a lot as a teenager and I didn't know how else to get rid of everything bad happening. I think it was gradual, bit by bit over time until I was just glad to still be here," Erin said.
"What happened at Elliot bay?" Wyatt said. Erin met her eyes, the two staring at each other for a few seconds.
"I didn't want to die, but I wanted a way out and if dying was the way to get one, I was gonna take it. I couldn't swim, anyway, so when Meredith tried to save me, I wouldn't let her. She wasn't strong enough to get both of us out and I didn't want to be saved," Erin admitted.
"And why didn't you want to be saved?" Wyatt asked. Erin looked at her lap.
"I have a problem," she said.
"You have a problem?" she repeated.
"Yes. Meredith has practically raised me. She's basically my mom and she acts like it, too. She's done everything for me and I was hiding Rob's abuse from her because I didn't want to upset her and because I was scared that he would hurt her. I was trying to protect her and that's the problem. She didn't need protecting. I did and I wouldn't let her in to do that because I was trying to protect her," Erin said. Wyatt mulled it over.
"You were ashamed," she realised. Erin nodded slowly.
"She raised me to be strong and independent and I've never had a problem with men before. I could always get them to do what I want when I want. Rob was different. He made me small and scared and I hated myself like that. I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I know I have no reason to be ashamed. I got out, he's in jail, I'm safe and I'm moving on, but I think there will always be a part of me that's ashamed that I let it happen," Erin said.
"You didn't let it happen. You were a victim. Abusers take control, take away your freedom gradually until it's all gone. You're right in saying you have no reason to be ashamed, but feeling ashamed is normal because you had expectations for yourself and you think you let everybody down by not exceeding them. How did Meredith react when she found out?" Wyatt asked.
"She was upset. I mean, I knew she would be but I think she kept a lot of it inside so I didn't get upset. She was hurt that I didn't tell her but she said she understood why. When it was the day of Rob's trial, she stayed with me the entire time. She was really good about it. And I regret not telling her, 'cause it would've stopped sooner and everything would've been okay. But I also don't regret telling her, 'cause it's definitely brought us a lot closer. It's taught me what kind of people I should stay away from and in the future, I'll know not to go near another Rob again," Erin said.
"So, what about Jesse? Are you going to go there with him?" Wyatt said. Erin groaned and rubbed her face.
"He's caught feelings and I think I might be catching them, too. But I don't really want to be with him because I'm all screwed up and he's put together and it's not his job to put me back together, it's my job to do that. I don't want to hurt him and I inevitably will because I always hurt people too close to me," Erin said.
"You have to stop thinking of yourself as someone with a giant warning label above them. Bad things have happened to you but there is no reason for you not to date Jesse unless you don't like him in that way. Forget all of your bad things for a minute and think of what you want. If he's serious, he'll handle your issues and it's not like you'll be dealing with them alone. You're in therapy. You're making conscious efforts to get better," Wyatt said.
The timer beeped and Erin stood up.
"Thanks, Wyatt," she said.
"Think about it, okay? If you like him, go for it. If you don't, well, don't hurt both of you by dragging it out," Wyatt said.
"I will," Erin smiled, leaving the room to go back to work.
"Erin!" Callie shouted. Erin stopped walking down to the CT suite, raising her eyebrows at her. "Question," she jogged over.
"Shoot," Erin said.
"How did you know you liked girls?" Callie whispered. Erin snorted.
"I knew when I was eight and started marrying my Anatomy Jane to Meredith's Anatomy Jane. I just kind of knew that I liked girls. Experimenting helps. I'm always here to help if you need it," Erin smirked slightly. Callie chuckled.
"Thank you," she said.
"Is it Erica?" Erin asked.
"How'd you know?" Callie asked.
"Gaydar," Erin said. She looked at Callie and squeezed her hand. "Look, whatever you're feeling, it's okay. If you want to experiment, I can keep a secret and it won't affect our friendship or anything. It'll work out," Erin said.
"Thank you," Callie hugged her tightly. "Hey, I've got a kid stuck in cement if you want in?" she said.
"Oh, really?" Erin gasped. "Yes, please," she said.
"Let's go," Callie linked Erin, leading her to the ER to the trauma room.
"Hey," Rose said, sliding beside Erin in the ER. Erin raised her eyebrows, looking up as she rummaged through the shelves for some equipment Callie needed.
"Hi," she said.
"So, you intimidate me a little. A lot, actually. A lot. More than Meredith does," she said.
"And why would that be?" Erin asked.
"Because the legend of Meredith and Derek and you're her sister and it's scary how intimidating you are," Rose said.
"Intimidating?" Erin eyed her carefully.
"Yes," Rose said. Erin hummed and turned around, walking down the hallway to get back to the trauma room.
"Nice talking to you, Rose," she waved as she disappeared around the corner. She snorted. "Intimidating. Made my day," she mumbled.
"What's that?" Andrew, the cement patient, asked as Mark poured vinegar over his flesh.
"I'm pouring vinegar on your flesh to minimize the burns inside your skin caused by the cement," Mark said.
"I'm burning from the inside out? I'm dying. I'm dying, aren't I?" Andrew whimpered.
"Hey, hey, Andrew. That word's not allowed anymore. I'm banning that word from your vocabulary," Bailey warned him.
"Can you move your fingers?" Erin asked, looking at his hand. He wiggled his fingers and Erin smiled. "That's very good," she said.
"I'm not usually this dumb. I make the dean's list. I tutor. I'm... I'm not. I'm not usually the guy who's dumb enough to jump into a tub of cement for a girl," Andrew said.
"Wait, not the girl you came in with? You did this for her?" Callie asked.
"Lola. The guys dared me. She was watching. And I... she was watching. And now, not only is she totally unimpressed, but now, after I'm gone, she'll remember me forever as the idiot who was dumb enough to jump into a tub of cement," Andrew muttered.
"Hey, come on. We all mess up," Bailey said.
"I'm the guy who died in a block of cement trying to impress a girl. I'm like Han Solo. In Star Wars? He was encased in carbonite?" Andrew said. They all looked around, most of the attendings looking clueless.
"Oh, god. My poor, poor parents. How would they face anyone at the funeral?" Andrew moaned.
"Oh, okay, Andrew, you're gonna make a lot mistakes in your life, but mistakes are... they're... they're just pieces. Like this is a foolish piece, but, you know, it's just a piece. You need to be proud of the whole picture. The whole picture defines you, not just this one piece," Bailey said.
"I'm a loser. I'm a loser. I'm a loser. I'm a loser," Andrew mumbled.
"Come on," Erin squeezed his hand.
"I'm a loser," Andrew groaned.
"Andrew, hey, hey, listen to me," Erin said. He looked at her with wide eyes. "Han solo is not a loser. Han solo got encased in carbonite, and, and that was a big mess, but that's not what he's remembered for. He's remembered as the guy who made the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs and who braved the subzero temperatures of the ice planet Hoth in order to save someone he cared about from the big, ugly wampa. He is remembered as the guy who swooped down at the last minute, blasted Darth Vader out of the sky so that Luke could use the force and, and destroy the damn "death star," okay? Princess Leia saved him from the carbonite, and they fell in love and they saved the universe and had twin jedi babies that went on to save the universe again. Right? Now, that's the whole picture. The carbonite, it was just a piece, okay?" Erin said.
"Yeah," Andrew said. Erin looked around, seeing the whole room was silent other than the beeping of the monitor.
"What?" she snapped. "So, I like science fiction. Somebody got a problem with that?" Erin raised her eyebrows. Mark, Bailey, Hahn, Callie and the chief wiped the looks of shock off of their face.
"No, no, it's great," Mark said quickly.
"It's great," Callie agreed.
"Cool," Bailey grinned.
"Very cool," the chief said.
"Yeah," Erica agreed.
"I thought so," Erin said. She looked back at Andrew and winked. He gave her a shaky smile, one that looked much more confident than before. "You're gonna be a Jedi, right?" she said.
"Right," he agreed.
"The OR is booked and standing by," Callie joined Erin, Bailey, Hahn and Cristina outside of Andrew's room.
"Dr. Bailey, what is it?" Cristina asked, seeing Bailey with her eyes closed.
"Something we're missing. We're forgetting something. Gangrene, compartment syndrome, compression, fluid balance, electrolytes. What is it? What is it? Gangrene, compartment syndrome, compression, fluids, electrolytes. Gangrene, compartment syndrome, compression, fluids, electrolytes. Gangrene, compartment syndrome, compression, fluids, elec-" Bailey ranted.
"Bladder!" Erin realised. "His bladder. We've been hydrating him and hydrating him for over four hours," Erin said. Bailey's face drained.
"Oh, if we don't get a catheter in him quick, his bladder's gonna explode," Bailey said.
"Good save, Grey," Hahn said. Erin smiled.
"It'll be a save once the catheter is in," she said.
"Go do it," Bailey nodded at her. Erin nodded and stepped into the room.
"Hey, Andrew. I'm just gonna put a catheter in, okay? So you can pee," Erin said.
"I can't feel if I need to," he said.
"You'll feel it when the cement is off," Erin said, getting some gloves on and grabbing the catheter kit. "You won't feel this," she smiled reassuringly.
Erin yawned as she took a drag of the cigarette, staring at Quinn's headstone. The bench shifted and Erin looked to her side, seeing Derek sitting down beside her. She raised her eyebrows, offering him her coffee. He took it with a nod, sipping silently.
She'd finished her cigarette before he spoke up.
"Seen Meredith today?" he said.
"I've just got out of surgery so not since this morning. We had a kid stuck in a block of cement. He's really nice and he's stable. So, no, I haven't. What did I miss?" she asked.
"We lost another patient. And the board called and said if we lose another by midnight, we're done. We've got one more patient and Meredith wants to operate and I don't. She's going to die regardless of what happens but I don't want her to die because of me. I told Meredith I was done with her," he said. Erin whistled lowly, taking her coffee from his hands to have a sip.
"That's a tough deal," she said.
"I lashed out. I'm so angry. Nothing is working," he said. Erin looked at him. She raised one eyebrow and he sighed. "I shouldn't give up," he said.
"No, you shouldn't. Us Greys, we're the quitters. You have to keep us in check, make sure we don't give up. I know you and Meredith aren't together right now but it's you and Meredith. Come on. You know you two work amazingly together. Go and adjust your virus and get your ass into surgery and save a life!" Erin said. He chuckled fondly and pulled her into his side, kissing her forehead.
"You don't hate me," he said.
"Why would I hate you?" Erin asked.
"Because Meredith and I broke up," he said. Erin shrugged.
"People make mistakes. And, just between you and me, I think we both know how this is gonna end. Rose, she's pretty and nice and all but I know you and I know Meredith," Erin said. He sighed again.
"When I slept with Rose, I thought of Meredith the entire time. And I'm telling you that in private, so don't go spilling your guys to your dark and twisty other half," he said. Erin laughed and nodded.
"I won't, don't worry. But, in private, we both know the way things are gonna end. Don't be a pussy, Derek. You're an amazing surgeon. Go and save a life," she said. He smiled and kissed her forehead again.
"I will," he said. He stood up and started walking away.
"Good luck!" she called.
"Thank you!" he waved, disappearing into the building.
"The tumour is shrinking! The tumour is shrinking!" Meredith raced up the stairs and into Erin's bedroom, jumping onto Erin's bed. Erin shot up with a gasp.
"I'm awake! I'm awake!" she cried.
"The tumour is shrinking! It's shrinking, Erin!" Meredith shouted, tugging Erin onto her feet on the bed. Erin laughed in surprise.
"It's shrinking?" she asked.
"It's shrinking!" Meredith shouted.
"It's shrinking!" Erin grabbed her hands, the two of them jumping around excitedly on the bed.
"I need your help with something," Meredith said, pulling them onto the floor.
"What is it?" Erin asked.
"We need candles, and lighters and matches, loads of them. Enough to build a house. I'm gonna build our house on Derek's land and I need you to help me do it!" Meredith said.
"Oh, fuck yeah! My candle addiction is finally coming in handy!" Erin gasped, running to her closet and grabbing the three enormous storage boxes filled with candles she'd collected over the years.
Erin ran down the hallway, ducking under nurses arms and doctors sides as she hurried to find Bailey, the other attendings and the other residents.
"Sorry!" she called, smiling apologetically at the nurse she'd nearly knocked off her feet. "I'll buy you a coffee to make up for it in a minute!" she added.
"It's okay, Erin," the nurse laughed. Erin smiled and ducked out of the hallway to the computer Bailey, the chief, Hahn, Mark, Derek, Callie, George, Izzie, Alex and Meredith were crowding around.
"Is it up?" she asked.
"Not yet!" Bailey groaned. Erin grabbed Mark's wrist and checked his watch.
"It's late," Erin said.
"We know," Mark said, slipping his hand into hers and squeezing gently. He pulled away and Erin smiled at him, leaning into his side.
"It's up," Meredith said.
"Oh, number one, Hopkins. Number two, Mayo," Bailey said.
"I said it," Hahn said.
"Three, Cleveland Clinic?" Bailey scoffed.
"What?" Derek asked.
"Four, Mass Gen," Bailey said.
"What? Wait, we stayed in fifth place?" Izzie asked.
"No. There is no fifth," Bailey shook her head. Erin peered over everyone's shoulders, mouth dropping when she saw their rating.
"Twelfth," she whispered.
"Oh, hey, sorry for being late I was trying to help-" Lexie ran over to Erin, Meredith, Cristina and their groups of interns as they stood at the nurses desk.
"No crap unless it's medical," Cristina scowled at her. They pushed off the desk and started walking, the interns following them with the charts.
"I can not stop this dream where Derek is dead," Meredith said.
"You know who did an internship in a teaching hospital in twelfth place? The losers. I'm not a loser," Cristina scowled. She turned to her interns. "Fetch records," she said. They scattered away to grab charts.
"Jesse is gonna ask me out and I want to say yes because he's perfect but then I want to say no because he is perfect and I am not," Erin said.
"I have a dream because I'm afraid of candles in the house and make a leap forward, and it ends well," Meredith said.
"You know, I have a PHD in biochemistry, a double PHD. When one has a double doctorate, why waste time in a teaching junior hospital?" Cristina scoffed.
"Wyatt said I throw fear into the wind, so I'll ask Derek to move in with me," Meredith said.
"She told me not to fuck Jesse around if I didn't know how I feel and I'm fucking him around because I don't know how I feel but I do know that I don't want to do the whole single thing and I am single but not really single if I'm having sex with Jesse every night," Erin said.
"Get attached to the entire man, not just his penis," Meredith said. Erin smirked.
"His mouth and hands are pretty good, too," she said. Meredith slapped her arm.
"If I did move, the Cleveland Clinic has a good cardio service," Cristina hummed.
"We're still in the top twenty. Is it not enough?" Meredith asked.
"I want more. The size, Meredith," Cristina motioned around the hospital.
"Yes, that's why I'll ask Derek to stay with me. It's a big step forward and I don't wanna mess it up again. You know, the on and off again, the breakups, the sleeping with George-"
"You slept with George?" Lexie blurted from behind them. The three of them turned to her with raised eyebrows. "No talking unless it's medical," Lexie whispered.
"So, I'm just gonna ask him, I'm just gonna ask him to move in with me. You think it's a good idea?" Meredith said.
"He's a better cook so I say yeah," Erin said. Everyone's pagers beeped and Erin pulled hers up, smiling softly when she saw it was Arizona.
"It's Bailey," Cristina said.
"Arizona. See you," Erin waved at them and motioned for her interns to follow her upstairs to peds.