"I never loved you."
. . .
You woke up with a start, thinking you overslept, but your phone said the time was only four in the morning. Groaning, you flipped over to face the back of the couch. You couldn't sleep in your bed last night. Not after...
You clamped your eyes shut, trying to block out your thoughts. You focused on the tapping of rain on your living room window. You heard your heating unit click on and begin to hum. As you fell back asleep, the humming turned into the sound of wind whipping around you. Your stomach knotted and you couldn't breathe. You were falling rapidly, the pressure making your body feel like it was flattening. All you could see was black.
Suddenly, you stopped. You were on what looked like a giant pillow. There were stars everywhere, as if you were floating in the night sky. You turned to the side, and Ocean was lying next to you. He didn't have his straitjacket, but he was dressed completely in white.
"Y/N," you heard him say. He leaned over, so close that you could feel his breath on your face. "Can I kiss you?"
You blinked twice, and you were met with the dimly-lit ceiling of your townhouse. The butterflies in your stomach lingered for only a second. The rain outside was becoming louder, and you silently hoped that your socks would be safe on your walk to the hospital.
The rubber soles of your rain boots squeaked as you walked to the locker room, hanging your umbrella up, a stack of paper towels under it to catch any dripping. You switched shoes, leaving the rain boots in your locker.
You approached Dani with an innocent smile as a courier left the front desk. She raised an eyebrow at you.
"Dani, can I ask you something?"
"Go for it."
"Can I stay at your place tonight? I kind of got broken up with. Just for one night," you rattled off all at once. She gave you a pitying look.
"I'm sorry, Y/N, I'm doing renovations, so I'm not even staying at my place. But, you could probably stay here if it's only tonight. Or, y'know, you could just book a hotel like I did."
Outside of Ocean's room, you saw that he wasn't awake. You took out your phone, texting Andie to tell you when he was done packing. Dr. Monroe had agreed to let you sleep at the hospital, but he told you that he wouldn't be around to help you with anything after eleven.
Your phone buzzed. 'I'll be done by tomorrow night', Andie's reply read. You tried to send back an 'okay', but he had already blocked you. You dropped your phone into your pocket, and you suddenly felt like crying again. You looked up to see Ocean, watching you from the window. You smiled at him, giving him a small wave. He frowned in response. As you went inside, he sat down on the bed, waiting for you. As soon as you took a seat, he moved over to you and rested his head in the crook of your neck, nuzzling you like a cat. You blushed, thinking of the dream you had that morning.
"You look unhappy. Was it the b... boy- boyfriend?" Ocean asked, stumbling over the last word. You felt internally proud that he could say it without being triggered.
You nodded. "He's not my boyfriend anymore. I'm okay, though, Ocean."
"Don't lie, Y/N," he said, an almost unnoticeable edge to his voice.
"I'm sorry," you said quickly, realizing your slip-up. "I'm really, really sad about it. I loved him- at least, I thought I did."
"Did he lie to you and hurt you?"
"...yes," you answered quietly, not wanting to admit it.
"Then you don't need to love him."
"I don't think I can stop. I don't know where to put the love I had for him. I mean, I could get a cat or something."
"It's easy," he said matter-of-factly. "You can love me instead."
You laughed softly. "Okay, sure, Ocean."
"I'm being serious. I'll take your love."
He looked up at you with puppy-dog eyes. Your blush only intensified. There must be something wrong with you, you scolded yourself. There was no way you were even considering the fact that you had romantic feelings for your patient, much less that your patient had romantic feelings for you. It was impossible, and not to mention entirely unprofessional. It was probably your mind trying to cope with your break up, you thought. Ocean was only trying to make you feel better, and that was the only reason why you said,
"Then, you can have all of it from now on."
Ocean broke into a warm smile that made your heart skip a beat. You smiled back, but looked away, changing the subject.
"Um, so, are you ready to take off your straitjacket for good?"
"Yes!" he cheered. "And then we can go outside together!"
You began to loosen the many buckles, humming as you pulled at the straps. You helped Ocean lift the straitjacket over his head. He stretched his arms and winced. They must have been sore from being tied up all the time, and his fingers seemed to be slowly regaining circulation as he wiggled them. Without warning, Ocean flung his arms around you, pressing you into his chest. The cotton of his t-shirt smelled faintly of flowers already, and his body was warm against yours. You relaxed into the hug, closing your eyes for a moment. You waited for him to pull away, but he didn't.
"Ocean, you can let go now."
"I don't want to," he said in a sulky tone.
"I'll let you hug me anytime you'd like, okay? You're going to have to let me go for now if you want to go outside."
"Fine."
You took Ocean's breakfast tray from behind you and set it in front of him. You had added syrup to the pancakes this time. Ocean gave you a let-down look.
"I thought you were still going to feed me," he complained.
You opened the water for him, but replied, "I can if you want, but you can do it yourself now."
"Mhm, but I like it better when you do it."
You shook your head lightheartedly and began to cut up the pancakes.
As Ocean stepped out into the hallway with you, he instantly reached for your hand, holding it tightly. You had brought an extra set of rain boots and a raincoat that matched your own so that Ocean could have something to wear outside of his hospital-issued clothes. As you made your way through the lobby and out the front doors, you saw Dani's eyes widen. The storm outside was letting up and rays of sunlight were beginning to break through the clouds, but rain still sprinkled your face on the short walk to the greenhouse. It was a dome-shaped building made entirely of glass panes, foggy from disuse. The inside was filled with long, dusty shelves and overgrown vines. In one corner, clay pots of various sizes were stacked neatly. You took three of the smallest ones out, setting them down on a windowsill.
"Okay, that's all I'm one-hundred percent sure about," you admitted.
Ocean gave you an unrestrained, but gentle, laugh. "Don't worry, that's what I'm here for."
He filled the pots almost all the way with potting soil and wetted it with a tin watering can that he found on a high shelf. You tore open the packets, tulips first, but Ocean stopped you from scattering them. He made holes in the soil about one inch apart, and you placed one seed in each hole. He then handed you the trowel, and instructed you to add more soil on top of the seeds.
"Um, how should I...?" you asked, a little self conscious. You were an amateur, but you didn't want to seem like one.
"Here-" Ocean moved slightly behind you, putting his hand over yours to guide it. His other hand rested on the windowsill to the other side of you, closing you in. He moved your hand from side-to-side slightly. "Like this."
You felt your face heat up, and you were sure Ocean could feel your heartbeat from how close he was standing. You tried to calm yourself down. What was going on with you today?
To your relief, Ocean didn't seem to notice anything off with you, randomly and carefreely hugging you throughout the rest of the day. It wasn't that you minded being close to him. You just needed to wait until you finally got over Andie, and then the strange feelings you had been having towards Ocean would disappear.
"Can we watch the stars together again?" Ocean asked when you returned from putting away his empty dinner tray.
"Mhm," you hummed, taking out the projector. "And I can stay extra long this time, since I'm sleeping at the hospital overnight."
"Really? Thank you, Y/N!" He wrapped you up in another bear hug
"Just wait until you leave this place for good. Then, we can go out to see real stars every night." You reached up and ran a hand through his hair.
He leaned into your touch, then asked timidly, "Maybe you could sleep in here?"
"I don't know, Ocean."
"Okay," he said, disappointed. "Can you come lay with me, at least?"
You knew that it might get you in trouble, but the way his face fell pained you. Like before, you covered up the lights with paper and turned on the 'stars'. Ocean lied down in his bed, and you positioned yourself next to him so that you wouldn't make physical contact. Your efforts were derailed, though, when Ocean took your hand and clutched it to his chest, intertwining his fingers with yours. You felt an odd sense of comfort. Before you knew it, your eyes began to close, and as you drifted to sleep, a faint voice whispered,
"I think I'm in love with you, Y/N."