~ I wasn't even sure if I was gonna write this because I felt like the first one ended in a relatively good way but here it is anyways.
The Irony Of Choking On A Lifesaver, part 2 xx /M~
[WARNINGS: kinda almost selfharm in the beginning, talk about death]
Calum’s hands are shaking, his head is spinning and he’s clinging to the small piece of shiny metal for dear life.
Five months. It’s been five months since Michael left him and Calum’s never felt this scared.
All his life, he never knew how it is to feel, to really feel, and ever since Michael left he’s been drowning in his own feelings. Michael leaving meant that suddenly, suddenly he felt everything a hundred times stronger than before, when Michael was the one handling that.
He never knew, he never really knew how much it hurt to see someone else suffer, he never knew how painful it was to have someone you love leave you forever. He thought Michael just liked to fuck with him, he thought he was only missing out on the good feelings.
Like love, he thought he was missing out on love. And he was, because now he really feels how much he loves Ashton. He also thought that Michael made him feel things that weren’t real, but that was wrong too. Michael just made those feelings stronger, the feelings of doubt and fear of not being enough.
Michael could control his feelings, he could make Calum feel certain things and he could take the edge of some feelings, but Calum can’t. Calum can’t control his feelings, he’s left to fend for himself as they wash over him, paralyzing him. The only thing he can control is the physical pain.
And that’s why he’s here, on the bathroom floor with a sharp piece of metal, a broken pencil sharpener, pressed to the smooth skin on his wrist, his hand shaking so hard he can’t move it, can’t move it to tear the skin apart. He wants to, god he wants nothing more than to be in control for a while, but he can’t, he’s shaking too bad.
And then, a hand is placed on his, taking the blade from him. But the hand is too pale to be Ashton’s, the fingers too short.
Familiar arms are wrapped around him, a familiar scent filling his nose as he’s pulled onto someone’s lap. There’s the sound of a toilet flushing and then nothing, the only thing breaking the silence being Calum’s heartbeat.
“I’m sorry I left you.” he can’t bring himself to answer, can’t do anything. So he just sits there, with fingers drawing patterns on his back as he slowly calms down. And it feels right, even though he knows nothing has changed yet, even though he knows this could all just be his imagination, it feels right. They stay like that for a while, until Calum’s heartbeat is back to it’s normal pace, and that’s when Calum finally opens his eyes, looking up.
His hair is no longer red but has the colour of chocolate, just like it did a few years ago, but the piercing is still there and his eyes are as green as ever. The small scar above his eye is still visible and so are the dark circles under his eyes. Michael’s there, there’s no way Calum’s imagination could be this detailed, since he couldn’t even remember how Michael’s voice sounded yesterday.
“I’m scared.” no hi, no how you’ve been. Maybe because Calum knows Michael doesn’t care about things like that, maybe because he just needs someone to help him. And Michael seems to understand, because just like that, the intensity of his feelings lowers and he can finally breathe again.
“we need to talk.” Michael seem to have grown a lot since he left, because there’s not even a hint of sarcasm in his voice as he removes Calum from his lap, standing up. There’s nothing but sincerity in his eyes. This can’t possibly be the same boy as the one who tried to get Calum to fall in love with everyone he saw.
And still, it is. There’s no doubt about it. So Calum nods and gets up, leading the way back to his room. They sit down on the bed, Michael immediately moving to sit cross legged with his back against the headboard, just like he used to. Calum used to sit on the other side of the room, wanting to be as far away from him as possible, but this time he sits down next to Michael, leaning back until his back is pressed against Michael’s chest. They don’t speak, instead they just sit there looking out the window, enjoying each other’s company.
It’s so different from how it used to be, there’s no arguing, no bickering, no rude comments, not anything. They just sit there, Michael’s fingers still drawing patterns on Calum’s skin, until Calum’s phone light up,
“It’s Ashton.” Calum hates being the one to break the silence but at the same time he feels the need to say something.
“I’m sorry I tried to break you two up.” Michael reaches out, grabbing Calum’s phone and handing it to him without reading the message, something he surely would have done back before he left, and then goes back to drawing on Calum’s arm. ”I shouldn’t have taken my own problems out on you, I’ve always been like that and I’m sorry.”
“we’ll talk later alright?” Michael nods and Calum turns his attention to the phone instead, reading the text he just got. “Ashton wants to know if he can come over.”
“did you ever tell him about me?” Michael can’t help but ask, not really expecting Calum to have done it since it’d be hard to explain, having someone only one other person can see controlling your feelings, but Calum nods.
“dad helped me explain everything and he took it pretty good, don’t think he really understood.” Calum pauses, turning his head to look at Michael. “if he comes over, would he be able to see you?”
“yeah. It’s all up to me you know?”
“oh.” Calum wants to ask more, wants to know why just his father was able to see Michael, but he doesn’t, instead he texts Ashton, telling him that yes, he can come over. “we’ll talk when he gets here, if you’re alright with him knowing.”
“yeah, sure.” Michael hesitates, but not for long enough for it to be noticeable, before answering, and Calum smiles, getting up from the bed.
“I’m glad you’re back you know.” he says, turning back to face Michael. “and thank you, for you know...stopping me.” Michael simply nods and Calum leaves the room, going downstairs to meet Ashton by the door.
~
“So uhm...Michael’s back.” Calum tells Ashton as soon as he’s entered the house and there’s no way Ashton could’ve hidden the surprise.
“I thought you said he disappeared forever.” Ashton said, taking his jacket off.
“I thought so but he...he’s back. I kinda...freaked out and I almost did something stupid and now he’s back.” Ashton doesn’t need further explanations, he understands what Calum’s saying and instead of giving him a lecture, he just hugs him.
“I guess I should tell him I’m glad he stopped you.” he mumbles, kissing Calum’s cheek. “can I?”
“yeah, he’s upstairs.” Calum doesn’t understand how Ashton can be so calm about this whole thing, but he doesn’t ask. Instead he follows the older boy upstairs to his room, entering it just behind Ashton and finding Michael standing by the window, his back facing them as he watches the cars drive by outside. “Michael?” turning around, Michael’s eyes land on the two and he smiles softly.
“Hi Ashton.” Ashton nods and goes to sit on the bed, Calum following close behind as Michael sits down on the floor, just below the window.
“I think you owe us an explanation.” Ashton says, keeping his eyes on the brown haired boy on the floor, and Michael nods.
“I think so too.” Calum sits down next to Ashton, immediately feeling a pair of arms wrap around his waist. “so uhm, I don’t think I ever explained to you how it comes that I am...what I am.”
“a jackass?” even though Calum knows Ashton means well, he can’t help but feel bad for Michael when he’s being that rude to him. After all, it was Michael and not Ashton who helped him an hour ago.
“yeah.” Michael nods. “but I was thinking more about the whole “being able to control Calum’s feelings” part.” Ashton stays silent this time, allowing Michael to collect his thoughts before opening his mouth again, this time to tell them his story.
“I died in April 1996, in the Broad Arrow Café in Port Arthur Bay. I was there with my family, our first vacation as a family for ten years, and we’d just finished our lunch when this man started shooting people. It’s all kinda fuzzy but I remember seeing a mother throwing herself over her own daughter, trying to protect her. And then he turned around to leave, I thought we were safe and got up because I had to make sure my mum and dad were alright, but he...he came back.” Michael’s voice breaks and he looks up in the sealing, trying to calm down. “I saw the girl later that day, when I “woke up”. She was sitting on a couch opposite to the one I was laying in and she had this...she had this hole in her head, still bleeding. And she was crying. I had no idea what to do, I’d never been good with feelings or with girls, but I got up to hug her, try to comfort her. And that’s when I realised that I...you know, I was dead, we both were.”
“Michael.” Calum’s never hear this before, he never asked, never questioned the fact that Michael was there, and it hurts, seeing Michael this vulnerable.
“No, let me finish.” Michael says, not looking away from the sealing. “A man came into the room, telling us that we had a choice. We could choose to move on to whatever happens when you die, or we could stay, go back to earth and try to help people who otherwise would be very...sensitive to emotions, with their lives. This would allow us to live all over again, start as young kids and then grow up until we got to the age we were when we died, in my case the age of 18. Only, we wouldn’t be able to actually live, not go to school, not do anything except for be there for our person, make sure we filtered out the bad feelings, made them less intense. Now I know this is stupid, that people should be allowed to grow up and learn to deal with things, but I was given the chance to feel alive again and I wanted that so I said yes, even though it was selfish. I wasn’t ready to move on just yet, I never wanted to die, so I took the chance. Sarah didn’t, she was such a brave girl even in death and she moved on right away. And I ended up here, with you.”
Calum carefully removes Ashton’s arms from around his waist and slides off the bed, moving over to Michael and sitting next to him. “I’m glad you did.” he says, pulling the shorter boy closer.
“but that doesn’t explain why you were such an asshole.” Ashton points out.
“I met this guy, Luke. He was like me, invisible to everyone except his person and others like us, and he hated being dead even more than I did, and yet I thought I stood a chance with him. He turned me down and I took that out on Calum.” To Calum this makes sense, since he grew up with Michael and knows the boy as well as he knows himself, but Ashton only seems to get more aggravated. “and I’m sorry, I really am. I mean it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, I can’t be with anyone but I thought, for a moment, that maybe I could. And then, after leaving you, I realised just how much of an asshole I’d been.”
“it’s okay.” Calum says, trying to think of something that could comfort the boy. “you may be an asshole, but you’re my asshole.”
“Calum, a word?” Ashton gets up and leaves the room, clearly expecting Calum to follow. Calum does, he gets up and leaves the room, closing the door before turning around to face Ashton. “what are you doing? How can you just be cool with this?”
“He’s been my best friend my whole life Ashton, he’s my brother. Of course I forgive him, especially after what he told us.” Calum reasons, not understanding how Ashton can’t see what’s going on. “I don’t need you to accept it, I mean if he stays, which I hope he does, you two won’t be around each other a lot, but I need you to understand that he makes me better, like he said. I need him Ashton, and I need you. Please don’t make me choose.”
“I’m not making you choose love, but I think I’ll go now, give you two the chance to talk things over.” Ashton smiles and pulls Calum in for a hug, connecting their lips. “call me when you’re done.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too Cal.” Ashton turns around and opens the door to Calum’s room again. “Michael? Thank you for stopping him earlier. I’ll see you around.” and then he leaves and Calum reenters the bedroom, finding Michael just where he left him.
“Mikey, come here.” Calum sits down on the bed again, holding his arms out. At first, Michael simply stares at him but then he gets up, walking across the room and sitting down next to Calum. “I’m glad you told me, maybe I can help you now, we can help each other.”
“so you want me to stay?”
“of course.” Michael smiles at this and turns around so he can look at Calum.
“you know what I’ve missed?”
“what?”
“cuddling.” smiling, Calum lays down on the bed, pulling Michael down next to him.
“god I missed you, please don’t leave again.”
~
And he didn’t. Michael didn’t leave Calum once after that, he was always nearby, never disturbing anything and never trying to fuck things up for him but always there. He watched his best friend grow up, watched him fall out of love with Ashton, watched them get back together a few years later and eventually getting married. He was there with them through everything, trying to help out the best he could, being stuck in an eighteen year old’s body with no further life experience, and he was happy for the first time in a very long time.
And when the day came, when Calum’s body couldn’t take it anymore, when his heart finally gave in and he slipped away, Michael was there to go with him to the other side, where they would wait for Ashton.