"You calm my mind and set my soul on fire. Your that beautiful combination."
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
"There you are! Where the hell did you go?"
"Cass, she didn't feel well. We suspect it was Eddie with one of his Zonko's products."
"Don't accuse me! I haven't done anything. Wait did I? I can't remember. Kidding!"
I could hear the conversation around me but wasn't immersed in it. The only thing I was focusing on was the fact that Draco had been constantly glancing at me since I had sat down at the table. The only available seat on the bench was one next to him after Zack had sat next to Blaize and I tried with all my strength to not look into his eyes that I could see out of the corner of my eye pointed in my direction - I knew that once I looked into his piercing eyes I wouldn't be able to pull away.
I ate in silence. There were huge piles of pancakes and fruits scattered along the tables and I had one of them on my plate. I had only managed a few mouthfuls, the knot of nerves in my throat making it hard to swallow.
I didn't involve myself in any conversation happening at the table apart from the odd nod and mumble of 'yeah' in agreement. It was taking all my energy focusing on trying to act as though Draco wasn't sat next to me.
"Helena, can we talk later?" His voice was little more than a deep whisper, him making sure no one heard but me. I couldn't respond - I didn't trust my words. I don't know what it was about his voice, but it chilled me to the bone. Not in a frightful way however. More like cold water hitting the back of my neck after a day in blistering heat. I didn't respond to him.
"Helena I'm sorry. I- I don't know what happened I just-"
"Cass pass us the orange juice" I interrupted him. Anything to stop his voice slowly melting me.
She handed me the large jug, placing it into my shaking hands. I poured myself a glass with no intent to drink it. I may just choke on it if I did. Draco was staring at his hands that lay in his lap in defeat.
I hated making him feel that way. But I couldn't respond to him. I knew not what to say.
...
We had spent the Christmas Day in the Slytherin common room, members of every house with us that had been let in by other Slytherins. There was excitement and joy filling each corner of the often calm common room. A few other Slytherins such as Millicent Bulstrode, Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass had joined us. The nine of us shared several games of wizards chess and trying out a few of the potion laced sweets that Eddie had collected that made you make sounds of different animals when you ate them - a particularly entertaining one being when Cass started producing the noises of an elephant and parading around the common room. It certainly was entertaining.
But my mind was still occupied.
Me and Draco were sat a good distance away from each other, though each time I stole a glance at him I saw his head turn away from me. We both wanted to say something. But neither of us had the courage to. And we didn't know what we wanted to say regardless.
...
"Pleeeaassee its tradition!"
"Helena its bloody freezing I'm not going! Plus, it's time for the feast soon."
It was 4pm. We had left the common room more than once to meet up with some Ravenclaws that Cass was friends with. We had come back to the common room to get dressed for going to the Christmas evening feast in the great hall. Each Christmas, the students of Hogwarts got dressed up to go to the feast. It was never instructed but everyone did it.
Every year that I had been friends with Cass, we had snuck up to the astronomy tower on Christmas Day and watched the sunset. We had done it in our first year after discovering the astronomy tower for the first time - Hogwarts was an impressively enormous school and we still had corners of it that we hadn't explored by our first Christmas at the school. We found ourselves lost in a foreign part of the castle and after discovering the spiral stairway that led up to it, I dragged her to the top just as the sun was setting. And ever since then we had done the same thing on Christmas Day every year. This year, however, she seemed like she wanted to give up on the tradition deeming it too cold to be stood on the top of the astronomy tower.
"Cass you can't give up our tradition now!" I pleaded with her.
"Well I am. Besides, the feast is in twenty minutes, we will miss it" she responded as I fastened a bracelet around her wrist - she had come up to my dorm to get ready for the Christmas feast. I had put on a tight fitting, off the shoulder, long sleeved dress, whereas she had gone for a black skirt that reached halfway down her thighs and a crimson top that too was off the shoulders and long sleeved.
"Well I don't care. I'm going anyway" I said to her. The view on top of the astronomy tower was truly breathtaking especially as the sun was setting.
Besides. I hadn't been able to enjoy the day as much as I normally did. The moment of what had happened with Draco had been replaying constantly in my mind. I had made sure to keep my distance from him. I hated how the one time he spoke to me and the rest of us was a time when I felt I had to avoid him out of fear of confrontation.
I wanted to go up to the tower and have at least a few minutes of peace.
"Please yourself, but don't complain if Eddie eats your portions" she laughed.
"I'll see you there after sunset." I told her putting on an over sized baggy jacket to try and protect myself from the cold of the winter air and made my way out of the dorm.
...
I could understand where Cass was coming from. The cold of the winter wind and the specks of snow that came with it chilled me to the bone. But the view was worth it.
As I sat on the edge of the tower, my legs under the railings dangling off of the edge, I could see out for what seemed like miles. The black lake and miles of grassy hills lay below me and from the tower, I could see them all the way up to the constraints of the horizon.
The sun was barely minutes away from starting to set. Their was a gentle yet chilling breeze that brought specks of snow around me, landing on my clothes and hair.
I leant forward, putting my arms over the railing to stop myself from falling. The beautiful view of hogwarts, inside and out always astounded me no matter how many times I observed it and my thoughts drifted back to the very first time I walked through the castle doors...
"Helena..."
I turned around to face the ending of the stairway with such intensity that my head lightly banged against the railing. Although there was no need for me to look. I would know that voice anywhere.
I rushed to my feet as Draco ascended the final few steps. My eyes locked into his, those beautiful blue eyes that seemed as though they could see right through mine into my mind and flick through my thoughts at will.
"Helena I'm sorry about before..." he took a breath as if he was about to continue but seemed to find himself short of words. He instead took a step closer to me. He looked just as anxious as I was. "I shouldn't of done it." He looked at the stone floor.
I took a deep intake of breath trying not to make it obvious and swallowed the growing lump in my throat.
"Then why did you?" I managed to say. I had my arms in front of me, each clutching the other from the cold. He looked back up at me. Damn those eyes.
"I..." he stumbled. I knew what he wanted to say. We both did. But he couldn't word it.
"How long have you... you know." I said to him shakily, trying the best I could to keep myself composed.
"Since the end of last year." His answer genuinely shocked me. The end of last year? He was still insulting me at the beginning of the year.
"How could you of-" I started.
"I don't know" he interjected. "But I did. I have since that day on the black lake. Do you remember" I didn't know what he was talking about, but with every word he spoke to me I felt myself slowly begin to melt. "You probably don't. I mean, nothing in particular happened. Just- something clicked. When Cass was putting those daisies in your hair."
There were countless days we had spent sat on the bank of the black lake. I couldn't pick out which day he was talking about.
"You had those flowers in your hair, and you kept them there while you sat in that tree reading" he took a step closer to me. My breath hitched. But I didn't even think about moving back. "You looked so beautiful... it just clicked. I realised how mad I was about you"
"Then why did you.." I said, thinking about all the times he had ridiculed and insulted me. "You can't of liked me Malfoy, whatever this is drop it. It's not funny."
"I certainly did" he took another step closer to me, ignoring my please for him to stop with this cruel joke. My heart was almost beating out of my chest, I was certain he could hear it. "I just- I didn't know how to tell you - I didn't want to. I guess I thought it was wrong to like you. I hated insulting you, every word of it was a lie whenever I did. I'm just... I'm not good with things like that."
"Draco, there's not being good with it and there is being a bully" I said to him. Regardless of how I felt about him, he still hurt me with his words. His insults always seemed to sting more than the words of anyone else.
"I know. And I'm so sorry" he took yet another step towards me. If he took anymore he would be treading on my toes. His greyish skin was illuminated by the sun that had just begun to set, casting an orange glow over us. For once, he seemed to have the life back in his cheeks. "I'm so sorry." He repeated. "For all the times I insulted you, if I hurt you." He looked deep into my eyes with a pure sadness. "I guess it's just because I knew there is no way you feel the same. I didn't want to get hurt so I hurt you instead."
His words punctured me like a stab wound.
"And how did you know that?" I replied to him. He let out a gentle laugh. Well not quite a laugh. More so just a loud exhale.
"Why would you? And now I know it's true." He moved backwards from me slightly. "Cass told me you were here, and I just wanted to say sorry. And I truly am. For everything I've ever said, and this morning. I understand if-" he paused. "If you don't want to speak to me." He looked to the floor in the same pain he was in that day in hogsmeade. "I'm sorry".
He looked at me for a final second in defeat before averting his gaze. He moved further back still facing me and then turned to walk back to the stair case.
No.
I grabbed into the wrist of his hand that was still wearing the ring I had given him. He turned around sharply. I saw the shock in his eyes as I put my hand on the back of his neck. I wasn't in control of what I was doing, but it was exactly what I wanted. I pulled him towards me. Our lips crashed together in the same way they had that morning.
As our lips collided, all the worry I had for him fell away. Any questions, any doubt. None of that mattered, all that I cared about was this moment and the rush of adrenaline and euphoria that filled every cell in my body. He placed one hand on my lower back, pushing me closer to him sending shivers down my back. His other hand entangled itself loosely in the back of my hair, guiding me as we kissed.
I had known it too. But I didn't accept it. Why would I be in love with the boy who bullied me mercilessly? But for whatever bloody reason it was that I couldn't fathom, I seemed to be head over heels. The kiss we shared satisfied the longing I had had for so long. I hardly knew that I wanted it myself. But after I had gotten one tiny taste for it, I was addicted.
We separated. He looked deep into my eyes.
"This doesn't seem real," I admitted. "Are we dreaming?" I asked him, my hand still on the back of his neck, his still on my back and loose in my hair.
I wasn't certain if this was all in my head.
"If we are, I hope I never wake up," and he pulled me into him, our torsos colliding, his hand tightening in my hair as I kissed him again.
The sun had passed the horizon, leaving us lit only by the moonlight and the speckles of stars that littered the sky. And in that one moment, the world made perfect sense. And I never wanted that moment to end.
...