"Let us live our lives separately."
It had once entered Su Jin's mind that the emperor's quick rule to the throne might be because he had knowledge of the past.
Their past.
It did occur to her that he might have also turned back in time.
But it didn't matter. If he didn't then good, but if he did. . . .he made a choice in this life.
Su Jin felt a slight pang of disappointment thinking so.
A lifetime of marriage and companionship. It actually also ends when life ends.
Su Jin quickly recovered. She did not want to blame him.
They were given a chance to live again. To choose the same path you have already taken seems stupid.
...
Su Jin went to the bustling market with her cousins.
After shopping for a long time, they sat and ate leisurely at the restaurant famous for its beautiful scenery. It was a garden filled with small pavilions in a circular formation. At the center was a stage, used by the dancers and musicians.
"Truly beautiful!" Her cousins exclaimed in awe.
It wasn't only beautiful but also convenient. Every group of customers get to have one pavilion for themselves and they can choose its size depending on how many there are in the group.
They ate, chat, and drank their tea as they listened to the beautiful music played.
Su Jin dazedly watched the musicians playing while drinking her tea. Suddenly, she caught sight of a man's silhouette at the distant pavilion in front of her. But he was too far to see clearly.
She felt the man to be familiar.
The merrymaking of her cousins and other guests distracted Su Jin from thinking more on this matter.
...
They, Su Jin and company, took their time there. It was only when the sun set that they decided to go home.
Su Jin still couldn't figure out who the man was so she tossed it at the back of her head.
Until she saw him walking towards her.
She looked at him in a daze.
Surprisingly, she was neither panicked or happy.
Ryu An arrived in front of her. A gentle smile plastered on his face.
"My empress, I've come to take you." His smile stretched widely. He finally felt almost complete having her at arms length.
'Now, I only have to wrap her in my arms and I would truly be complete.'
Su Jin smiled a smile not reaching her eyes. "Take me? I'm not in any kind of danger though?"
Her indifferent gaze spoke millions of words. Looking at him as if he's a stranger. He now doubted the notion of her going back in time too, but. . . .she changed. Everyone and every event of the past was the same. . .
Except her.
That in itself is enough proof.
Ryu An felt himself being doused with a bucket of cold water.
He looked at her for a long time. Not knowing what to say. She was in front of him.
So close.
She was as beautiful as the first time he saw her.
It was a beautiful spring when the 21 years old Ryu An and 17 years old Su Jin met. It was love at first sight.
He deliberately spent 'accidental' meet ups to know the beautiful lady better. And the more he knew her, he loved her more.
Ryu An shook his head to get out of his reveries. He needed to focus of what was now.
He couldn't believe his ears.
At first he thought she was jesting. But the indifferent look in her eyes says otherwise.
He didn't know how long he was there in front of her gawking. Making sense of what's wrong.
He woke up noticing the curious looks her cousins gave him.
He could not fathom what happened.
Or why.
Surely, she too came back. Back in time.
They were back to the time they first met.
'Was I too late?' He couldn't help but think.
It took 3 years this time instead of 5 years for him to sit stably on the throne. In the past, he married her a year after being the emperor. But he was much too weak at the time and had let her suffer a lot.
For her, he made use of his knowledge of the future to take full reign of the dragon throne. He wanted his power to be solid enough so that his wife won't suffer when she marries him.
Su Jin looked straight at him.
She could see in his eyes his longing for her.
Su Jin loved this man, dearly. He loved her too.
But. . . . .
Su Jin broke the tense mood. She invited him inside for tea.
...
They sat at a lone pavilion at the center of a lake. Here, they were safe to say anything without the fear of being overheard.
"Congratulations, emperor." Su Jin started.
Ryu An knew what she meant. He mumbled a thanks, too distracted at the unfamiliar indifference she gave off.
"You— how have you been?" was all he could utter.
"Fine." she smiled, "Living the life I've longed for."
Her answer was brief but told him a lot.
Was the palace life too much for her? He was aware of every hardship she withstood in the past. It was hard but they overcame it and this time, no hurdle was waiting for them. He had put hard shackles on the palace, his retainers, and his power.
This time, there would only be peace.
Su Jin knew he understood her underlying meaning.
"Life. . . ." she started. "I've lived a life of luxury for almost all my life. It is time I grow tired of it." She looked squarely at him, calm and determined.
Ryu An panicked a little. Since coming back in time, all he ever thought was her.
At the thought of her slipping by his hands, he grasped her hand. He looked hopefully at her almost pleading, "Xiao Jin, I promise, this lifetime contains no hardship. No fight over the throne, no scheming. . . .nothing."
Su Jin looked at his trembling hands. She loved this man, and he loved her. He truly has her in his heart.
But for Su Jin who realized to love herself more. . .
That she deserved better at every thing. . . . .
His love wasn't enough.
Su Jin hardened her heart, took her hands off of his, and coldly said, "Scheming. . . .one cannot stop others' mouth to speak nonsense, how can one stop others from scheming?"
She scoffed. "To not have died of poison was this one's fortune."
She's dealt too many schemes.
From minor to life threatening.
Schemed by concubines, imperial family members, opposing faction, and other noble house.
It ranged from insults, public humiliation, framing, poisoning, assassination, etc.
Poison. It truly was luck she didn't die from it, but she would have willingly died. . .if it meant being with him.
Too much. Su Jin felt suffocated remembering the past.
She thought she has moved on. After spending lots of time in self-reflection, Su Jin thought a mention of the past would not affect the calm and self-love she's obtained in this new life.
Now, just looking at the man she deeply loved and being reminded of the life she endured in the palace. . . .Su Jin wanted to run.
Su Jin felt, anymore and she'll blow.
She suddenly stood up, her complexion not good. Su Jin felt nauseated, the mental stress manifesting on her body.
She barely walked two steps when a firm big hand held her wrist.
"Xiao Jin, please, you've known me since forever. When I make an oath, I live for it. You would not be slighted. I'll make sure of it." Ryu An rambled on and on of his promises and assurances.
He persuaded Su Jin like this, holding her firmly and looked at her pleadingly.
Su Jin kept quiet. Her eyes on her wrist being held.
"Life was hard in the past, I know all of your sufferings. . . this time . . . there would be no such thi-"
Su Jin pushed his hand off of her. She looked at Ryu An with unshed tears in her eyes.
"You speak of knowing all my sufferings. Well, did you know how lonely it was being alone in a large palace?!" Su Jin asked rhetorically, her emotions exploding without stopping.
"Where every one of the people I manage are enemy, or a spy or assassin waiting for me to make a fool of myself, to dethrone me. . . to kill me. Did you know. . . " Su Jin continued, not minding the tears clouding her eyes.
"Know how it hurt . . .being 'virtuous' . ."
Su Jin wiped her tears with exasperation, scoffing at the past her.
Su Jin breathed deeply to relax her emotions. She said, almost apathetically, "Did you even know how devastated I was losing our child?"
She looked at him with a sarcastic smile. "No, you don't."
"All you knew was that I was sad. I was so sad. . I was unable to eat, drink and sleep. No Ryu An, I was dying. But knowing I lost him because of someone's scheme, I can't wrong my child. Since coming in the palace, my life was full of schemes. I endured . . . revenged my son. . ." She paused. "It wasn't worth it. I saw my son's killer fall from grace. . . .it wasn't worth it. Revenge didn't give my son back to me."
Su Jin turned her back on him, "For old time's sake. . . don't let me remember the past with your presence." and walked off.
Ryu An didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what to think, much less say.
For a long time, he stood there. Thinking of every thing, at the same time, thinking of nothing at all.
He felt overwhelmed.
And much more urgent, he didn't know what to do.
The once valiant prince and the wise emperor rarely seen in a hundred years, didn't know what to do.
...
"You do know."
In a secluded courtyard in the outskirts of Ming City, two gentlemen sat with a go board and wine. The man in black and gold brocade, visibly drunk.
The man in white brocade calmly looked at his friend in front of him.
Ryu An suddenly appeared at his house demanding wine. He thought Ryu An was bored in the palace and wanted to relax for a while, turns out it was a mere lover's quarrel. Though he could not fathom who this woman he was talking about. He seemed to know her very well, even calling her 'his empress'. But as Ryu An's advisor and friend, he refrained from asking questions.
"You know. . ." He said, "You know how much you love her. . . . .care for her."
He raised his eyebrows, silently asking for confirmation.
"I do." Ryu An answered with so much emotion in his eyes.
He smiled at him, "Then you have your answer. . . . .you . . .only have to know that to have the courage to be with her."
Virtuousness means this for ancient chinese women.
" As a daughter-in-law, the woman should be submissive to her in-laws; as a formal wife, she should accept the concubines of her husband without jealousy; as a mother she should teach her children in the "proper" way and if she was a stepmother, she should treat her stepchildren the same as her own kids."
ah well, you know which part of that hurts the most.