The next few days went by almost robotically. Beau had cried... A lot. His mother had excused him from chores and had even tried to go get Lukas herself. But of course, Mr. Edwards was guarding the door like a dog. The days stretched out and felt never-ending. He had called Lukas about a million times only to reach his voicemail. Beau's hands shook as he dialed the number for the fifth time in the past hour. His foot bounced nervously as he prayed for Lukas to answer.
That was something Beau seemed to be doing a lot lately. He had never prayed so much in his life... Beau was religious and came from a very religious family and town. But he had never felt the same connection to God as everyone around him. Lukas would talk about God like he knew him personally whereas Beau was beginning to lose faith in him. He wondered what kind of sick and twisted God would give him such a perfect moment with Lukas only for it to be ripped from his hands.
Beau's heart sunk with each ring. Every small pause between them gave him hope that someone had finally answered but of course, it was false hope. He let out a long sigh as the fifth ring went by meaning he'd reach Lukas's voicemail. By now he had it memorized...
"Hey, this is Lukas. I don't check my phone often, but if you leave a message I'll do my best to get back to you"
Beau swallowed a lump in his throat and quickly shut off the phone. He wrapped his arms tightly around Hamilton as he stared at a blank patch of wall in his bedroom. Lukas's hoodie was wrapped loosely around him and still smelt like him. It was almost refreshing as it was heartbreaking...
At this point, he felt pathetic. Pathetic for sitting around for a phone call he knew would never come. Pathetic for having his little sister do all of his chores for him. Pathetic for not being able to think about the events that took place in the barn without crying.
Maybe Mr. Edwards was right. Maybe he was sick and had tainted Lukas. Maybe he could be saved and maybe everything Beau had believed about God was wrong. Maybe he truly was a sinner and deserved hellfire. And maybe he had only dragged Lukas with him.
Another sob escaped Beau's lips and he quickly buried his face into the stuffed pig. The smell of plastic and old metal overwhelmed him, but he didn't mind. All he wanted was Lukas and Hamilton was the closest he was going to get.
"Hey, Beau" His mother's gentle voice called as the door cracked open. "I know I told you I wouldn't bother you today but Lucy did something to her wrist while working in the barn so we're going to drive down to the hospital to get it figured out... Do you think you could finish everything?"
"Um... Yeah," Beau mumbled. He stumbled out of bed not bothering to change out of basketball shorts and Lukas's baggy hoodie. His mother spared him a sympathetic stare and quickly pulled the boy into her embrace.
"It gets better Beau... It gets a lot better. I promise you that" She whispered. "Lukas will be okay and he will be home and safe sooner than you think" Beau nodded despite not believing her. He knew Lukas better than anyone and if Lukas thought that Beau and his family were at risk he would go through hell to keep them safe.
"Thanks, Mama" Beau whispered. He pulled away and headed downstairs trying to stay focused. His mind kept trying to wander to Lukas. Sometimes wondering if he was okay, other times replaying the argument with his dad. Mostly he just pictured Lukas's face. How broken and defeated he had looked and sounded.
Beau bit down on his lip as he reached the barn. His heart ached as he spotted the hay room. He had more memories than he could count in there. But the best few all involved Lukas... He would take Lukas by the hand and pull him inside for any sort of privacy. They would kiss for a while but it never felt like enough. And finally, they would lay out on the hay and talk for hours...
Beau blinked back tears and quickly turned to finish the work his sister had started. Sure he was a bit worried about her, but he knew something as little as a wrist injury wouldn't be too bad for Lucy. She was always injuring herself due to her clumsy nature.
The last time Beau had done his chores he had been bright and cheerful. Sure, he had been tired but he had practically danced around the barn doing them and enjoyed every second of it. His eyes had been bright and full of life, his smile had never fallen and he was happy like everyone expected him to be.
He felt a pang of guilt as he thought about Lukas... If Lukas saw him now he'd be disappointed in him. Beau wasn't himself... He wasn't positive or optimistic. He had completely given up and that just wasn't Beau. He could imagine the hard look that Lukas would give him... The same one he gave Beau at their last football game. Beau had been exhausted and wanted to quit since they were losing. But Lukas had been persistent and had ended up keeping the team's spirits high enough to tie up the score. The world was lucky to have Lukas.
Beau was far from his happy-go-lucky self. His eyes were puffy and red with bags under them. His bright smile and lively nature were gone and nothing more than a ghost. He just wasn't Beau without Lukas... And he couldn't help being fearful that he'd never see Lukas again.
Sure, there was college to look forward to. He could tough it out for the next few months and then run off with Lukas and never look back. But what if Lukas was 'cured' by then? What if he lost feelings or blamed Beau for what had happened? What if Lukas just wasn't Lukas anymore after that?
Beau didn't want to believe it, but it was always possible for somebody to change a lot over a short period. Especially with someone as influential as Lukas's father around. So what if Lukas genuinely started to believe that he was sick or that there was something wrong with him? What if he became just as hateful as his father? Just the thought of it made Beau sick.
He must have spent more time than he had thought in the barn because a car pulling up snapped him back into reality. He looked around confused seeing that his chores were done... He didn't even remember lifting the rake yet it was in his hands and he certainly didn't remember tugging out any of the hay or feeding the animals. His stomach filled with fear and dread as he tried to come up with an explanation, but nothing would come to mind.
Beau's heart rate increased and he could feel himself begin to panic. Was something wrong with him? Maybe he had just spaced out... No. He spaced out all of the time during chores and even then he remembered something. The last thing Beau was certain he did was to look at the hay room and now he was standing in front of a freshly cleaned stall with a rake in hand.
Beau swallowed a lump in his throat and quickly put the rake away. He'd do his own research when he got inside and he'd figure it out for himself. He wasn't going to worry his mother or give her any extra stress. She was surely already stressed enough with Lukas and Lucy.
He quickly headed inside, not sparing his family a second glance as he rushed back upstairs and into his bedroom. He shut the door tight behind him and pulled out a computer before getting to work.
After about a million different searches and rephrasing his question, he was beginning to feel hopeless. Everything he read talked about amnesia or even Disassociate Identity Disorder which he was certain he had neither of them. But finally, after countless articles, he found an answer that put him at ease.
Too much stress or anxiety can cause forgetfulness and disassociative tendencies...
That was the closest thing Beau was getting to an answer. And as much as it had freaked him out, he was certain nothing bad would come from it. It was harmless and silly. He sighed and shut his laptop before curling up onto Lukas's usual spot on the bed and hugged Hamilton tightly. All he wanted was Lukas and that just wasn't going to happen.
_________________________________________
About an hour ago Shelby had brought up food for Beau. She had left it on his desk and it still remained untouched. The tartiflette that had been so carefully prepared was now cold and Beau had felt somewhat guilty for not touching it. His mother had spent forever perfecting her recipe and only ever made it to cheer up Beau knowing how much he loved it. But the thought of food only made Beau feel nauseous.
There was a light tap on the window. Beau groaned assuming another stupid bug had managed to fly into it but the tapping didn't stop. Beau's eyebrows creased together in confusion as he sat up and made his way to the window and pulled open the blinds. His heart swelled as he spotted Lukas standing on the roof of the shed and he quickly pulled it open to help him in.
"What are you doing here? I thought-" Beau was cut off by a kiss to which he wasted no time responding to. His chest filled with butterflies at Lukas's touch and he quickly wrapped his arms around Lukas and rested his head against his chest. "I thought you were gone" he whispered.
"I'm sorry Beau... I'm so, so sorry" Lukas whispered back as he wrapped his arms tightly around the smaller boy. Beau felt embarrassed for how poorly he had taken care of himself. How sick and exhausted he must have looked...
Even if Beau couldn't see it, Lukas wasn't much better. His eyes were exhausted and a light bruise on his cheekbone was yet to be spotted by beau. His hair was messy and tangled and his eyes were very unfocused and seemed to dart around the room.
"Don't apologize... You didn't do anything" Beau promised. Lukas stared down at the floor as Beau pulled away, lightly biting his bottom lip.
"Don't say that" Lukas sighed. He headed over to Beau's bed and took a seat in his usual spot. And for the first time since Lukas had arrived, Beau got a look at him. Well, a good look at him. He was tired and looked as though he might collapse any moment. Dark circles were under his eyes and somehow his skin looked paler. There was a cut on his bottom lip and a healing bruise on his cheekbone that had a yellow tint to it.
"Are you alright? What happened?" Beau asked, already dreading the answer. He hated seeing Lukas like this. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and shield him from all of the pain and hurt he was feeling. But he couldn't. So instead he did the next best thing and sat down beside him, tilting Lukas's chin up so that he could have a better look at the bruise.
"Nothing really" Lukas mumbled.
"Lukas-"
"I came here to get away from that part of my life. I don't want to bring it here by talking about it" Lukas stated. There was a sort of coldness to his voice. For the first time ever Lukas's voice lacked emotion, lacked feeling.
"I'm sorry but did your dad..." Beau hesitantly asked. Lukas only gave a halfhearted laugh.
"There's a lot you don't know, Beau... It's really fucked up over there" Lukas finally admitted. Lukas never cursed. He hated the way curse words sounded and what they meant so he avoided it at all costs. And Beau never cursed because he knew Lukas hated it. Beau tried to shove down all of the anger and resentment he was feeling toward Mr. Edwards and focus on Lukas's needs but it was proving difficult.
"You can talk to me about anything... I can listen" Beau promised as he intertwined their fingers. Lukas hesitated before bringing his gaze back down to the floor, not able to meet the wide and innocent blue eyes staring up at him.
"My mom... She didn't kill herself over a miscarriage like my dad told everyone. My mom wasn't able to have kids after me... She killed herself because she couldn't take living with me and my father anymore. She was tired and done with it all" Lukas sighed. "I mean... Who can blame her? My father's methods aren't for everyone... It just wasn't a loving home. It was cold and unforgiving... Well, you know that. But when my father gets angry... And I mean angry he loses control. Sometime's he'd throw things, yell, or even on some occasions he'd lay a hand on one of us... I could handle it, she couldn't"
Beau stared at him for a few moments unsure what to say. He felt like a bad friend for not noticing... He had always assumed Lukas was content with his home and happy with life. He had never bothered questioning the bruises because Lukas was always playing football or getting thrown off horses. He had never noticed the full extent of how terrified Lukas was of his father... How had he not realized sooner?
"But I just can't do it anymore" Lukas admitted. "I want to leave, I want out... I don't want to be here anymore"
"Lukas... You always have a place to stay and people that love you... I love you and you don't have to go back. Please just stay here" Beau sighed as he ran his hand up and down Lukas's back in an attempt to relax him. Lukas gave him a sad smile, finally looking back at his blue-eyed boy.
"I appreciate the offer, but I don't think that would do either of us much good" Lukas ran his fingers through Beau's hair making Beau lean into his touch. "I'm so sorry Beau,"
"Stop saying that... You've done nothing wrong" Beau pleaded. "Please just get some rest... We both need it" Beau sighed.
"I can't stay over" Lukas mumbled. "My dad will notice I'm gone"
"He isn't your dad... He's a twisted asshole that's going to hell" Beau muttered. He stood up and shut the window being sure to close the blinds as well. He needed something to focus on, something to keep his mind busy so that he didn't explode. He wanted Mr. Edwards to hurt. He wanted him to suffer... And that just wasn't something Beau had ever wished upon another human. Wishing it made him feel sick and inhuman.
"Don't say that... He loves me he just has a hard time showing it" Lukas promised. "He doesn't understand..."
"He might love you but what he did isn't okay... I want you to stay here. My mom can handle everything, you know she can" Beau sighed.
"You and your mom are a lot alike" Lukas admitted. He didn't seem like he had even been listening. He was just spacing out, staring at the floor again. "You're both very strong... You could probably get through just about anything"
"Thank you? What are you talking about? Why are you saying this?" Beau couldn't help feeling overwhelmed. He didn't know what to say or do to make Lukas feel better. He didn't know where his mind was and there was no way Lukas was going to tell him.
"Do you want to know my favorite thing about you?" Lukas asked. "Your smile... Your pretty smile... I can never get enough of it. Just how positive you've always been... I know you're strong enough to get through this"
"Why are you saying this?" Beau asked quietly.
"Because I love you... I love you so much, Beau... Please never forget that" Lukas gave Beau a pearl white smile despite his watering eyes.
"Please just stop saying these things... You can tell them to me later. Right now we're supposed to be devising a plan to get you away from your dad... Not-" Beau froze as he came into picture. "Not acting like your saying goodbye..." He whispered.
"I am saying goodbye" Lukas sighed as he stood up. He walked over and grabbed onto Beau's shoulders. "Just let this be good for me"
"No" Beau's voice cracked. "You aren't going anywhere. You aren't saying goodbye. I won't let you" he snapped.
"I love you" Lukas continued. Beau tried to pull away but Lukas's grip was tight and wouldn't budge. "Please just say it back"
"No"
"Beau, I love you"
"No"
"Please at least smile for me... I want to see that pretty smile. Please"
"No"
"I love you... Just say it back... I need to hear it"
"No. No. No" Beau could feel himself begin to collapse into Lukas's arms as a sob overtook him making his entire body shake. "No, Lukas. Just no. You aren't leaving me. You aren't going anywhere. Just stay... Please, please stay"
"I'm so sorry, Beau" Lukas whispered as he held the small boy against his chest. "But I can't... The least you could do is make this easy for me"
"You aren't leaving. Do you hear me? You aren't leaving me alone because I can't do it. I can't be here without you. I love you... I love you... I love you..." Beau was overtaken by another sob as he clung to Lukas for dear life. Lukas was silent for a while. Quietly holding Beau while he cried.
"Okay" Lukas finally decided. Beau felt a wave of relief wash over him. Unable to pick himself up, Lukas brought them over to the bed and laid Beau in his usual spot. He pressed a gentle kiss to the copper-haired boy's forehead with a small smile. "I do love you, Beau... I promise I do"
"I love you too... Just don't go" Lukas nodded and a small, sad, but bright smile reached Beau's lips giving Lukas exactly what he wanted.
The two boys fell asleep wrapped in one another's arms. Beau had tried to stay awake just in case. He tried to stay awake long enough to be sure Lukas wasn't leaving but exhaustion from all of his crying had taken over... And Lukas wasn't there when he woke up.