CHAPTER 22: Regrets & Promises
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The soft weathered grains of sand under her bare feet, the constant sound of crashing waves, the chill from the ocean, the briny humid air, the seemingly endless horizon all of it worked together to make her realise she was at the beach after a very long time, but somehow she couldn't appreciate it like she usually would.
The night was young and Ella was with her friends and also with quite a few dozens of people, essentially strangers and some of them she saw in passing at the college campus, they hung around talking, playing games and dancing to a tune that sounded old but upbeat while a huge bonfire crackled and flared creating a festive atmosphere. It was the night of Halloween and some people had taken the liberty to dress up while most college-goers showed up just to drink and have fun.
She subtly distanced herself from the crowd and sat neither too far, nor too close to the warmth of the fire, staring into the sparks against the backdrop of the deep dark sea as the flames reflected in her dark eyes. She didn't bother dressing up either, but despite her reluctance, she wasn't left behind like she wanted to be.
Nora, Jay and Daniel had urged her to join them and socialise, play games and 'have fun' in the most cliched form, but after her constant denial, they eventually gave up and left her to her devices. They drove forty-five minutes to get to this party and they were keen to take full advantage of the night, Ella didn't fault that.
They were at someone's beach property, and a very typical college party scene surrounded her. It was wild, the background music of waves was competing with the songs that played on the music system. Loud laughter and chatter of too many people talking at once, some yelling could be heard over it all and was still drowned out by nature every time a new wave crashed.
She doesn't normally revert to such retreats, her usual refuge was the silence and the comforting smell of books at the library, but she couldn't go there, not when she was trying to run from it. It's been five days now, and there was still no reply.
She was angry at first, when she didn't find an answer, her own mind produced it for her. Maybe he knew her all along and lied about it. Later her thoughts changed trajectory and she worried if he had decided not to write back at all.
She found herself overthinking about it a little too much and so she allowed her friends to drag her here. She needed an escape, even if escape came in cheap glass bottles labelled with brewery stickers.
Apparently, she wasn't the only pensive one at the party, Daniel joined her and drank from his own bottle and together the pair sat there despondently.
"What's wrong?" Ella asked, turning to her friend.
Daniel wallowed, staring at the base of his bottle as he relegated his mental weight with her, "All the cute guys at this party are straight."
Ella cracked a smile at his confession, "That's too bad..."
"And apparently being a swimmer at a beach party means your drunk friends try to throw you into the ocean." He admitted dismally.
This made Ella laugh and she momentarily forgot about her own problems. "Did they succeed?"
"No, but only because they were trying to throw this one guy dressed as a shark into the water and I ran away." Daniel wasn't done with his self-deprecating saga. "I barely managed to escape. Also, they would have ruined my charming shirt, but then again I suppose there's no point, the scarcity of handsome men in this party is telling."
Her gaze dropped down to his blue shirt and she said, "I don't see it."
"Of course you don't see it, you're not the target audience," He defended.
She nodded, agreeing, "I suppose."
When her eyes momentarily flickered to the partying crowd, she saw a familiar face, he smiled and waved as he approached and Ella waved back, Daniel took notice of the exchange.
"Who's that?" Dan asked, scrambling next to her.
"Just someone I know..." She said vaguely as footsteps approached and Andrew stood next to them.
"Enjoying the party?" He asked, a twinkle in his green eyes spoke of mischief.
Ella laughed, and answered sarcastically "Can't you see? I'm delighted" He chuckled at her bland humour.
She then made introductions when Dan nudged her, "This is Andrew, and Andrew this is my friend Daniel."
They shook hands, "It's nice to meet you, Daniel." Andrew said.
"Likewise." Dan smiled.
"And what about you, I thought this is exactly the scenario you run from." She gestured at the wild party and tilted her head to peer up at him like she was trying to look at the Empire State Building.
"While that is true, I was never a good runner and most of my friends are athletes, they caught me pretty quickly, said: 'There's a thin line between introverted and isolated' and then dragged me here."
"I'm sure you put up quite a fight..." She smiled.
"I was flailing and kicking, I kid you not!" He said to her as he lowered himself to the ground and sat down in the sand next to her, legs stretched forward towards the fire that rose and licked at the moist, saliferous air.
Daniel scoffed and chuckled, "I see why you get along." He said to Ella as he drank from the bottle as an excuse to avoid her glare.
The trio sat there, wordlessly, letting the ambience overwhelm the wordless silence.
"I don't want to be too forward and assume that you're moping, but the signs of distress are all there..." Andrew's familiar voice spoke beside her.
"If you're looking for a riveting conversation, I'm afraid I can't contribute tonight, my mind is not in the right place." She told him straight.
"Why, what is it, bad news? Family problems? Or the age-old college conventional heartbreak? Whatever it is, you can tell me, I'll find it sufficiently gripping."
"I don't think she would indulge in the last one." Dan teased.
"I don't quite feel like talking tonight gentlemen..." She confessed as she sipped from her bottle, ignoring his playful tone. They were away from the bustle of the city and felt at peace, Ella was a solivagant individual who visited nostalgic places and sometimes even new locations to explore, she considered this as another one of her explorations.
She was aware it did more harm than good when your mind is cluttered with complicated unwelcome thoughts and being alone and aimless, even if it's in your mind, it only channels those thoughts more vividly. This party with her friends was supposed to be an escape.
Daniel's words suddenly surprised her when he said, "Alright, I've been analysing you and-"
"Wow, nothing about that makes me feel like an object under the microscope." She narrowed her eyes at him.
Andrew decided to cut in, "Okay, wrong choice of words Daniel, but what he's meaning to say is that- it seems you're trying really hard to force yourself to enjoy this, to distract yourself and we can't help but wonder why?" he said as he gestured a hand around.
Ella looked at both her friends, realising they seem thoughtfully worried, she sighed, "It's just- I've been trying not to think of something but it's hard to ignore."
Daniel raised an eyebrow, "Is that why you eventually caved in and brought yourself to this party?"
Ella admitted, "Well yeah, this is an attempt."
Andrew smiled unassumingly, "You should talk to someone, alleviate your mind." Ella looked up at him, her angry gaze pierced into his green eyes. "Alright, fine... I just wanted you to know that we'll listen if you feel like talking." Andrew backpedalled, Ella didn't reply.
The truth was she wanted to talk to someone, but she didn't know where to start. She wished Nora was here, but she could see her having fun and she didn't feel like colouring her with moodiness, and most of all she wished she didn't have all these apprehensive thoughts.
A few minutes later, Ella began speaking. "Alright, so there's someone I write to."
"Like on the internet?" Dan asked.
She shook her head, "Not exactly, but he's like a pen pal."
"Okay, and you guys write to each other?" Andrew said. "Like- longhand letters?"
She blushed slightly, but nodded "Yes, and I don't know him in real life, I just still felt very close to him as we communicated through our writings, but that might have ended now and I don't understand why..." She elaborated.
Both her friends looked thoughtful over the subject and Dan eventually asked, "Do you really have no idea why?"
Ella took a deep breath and answered, "I have an inkling that it's because of something I said..."
"Which was?" Andrew pressed.
"I asked him if he knew me in real life because it feels like he does..." She told them.
"And does he?" Andrew said.
"I don't know, he hasn't written back and it's been a while now. I don't think he's gonna write to me anymore...." She spoke sadly.
"Is it a big deal if he does know you?" She looked at him like he was dumb to ask that question, but a moment passed and his question turned into deliberation in her mind.
"O-of course it does, I don't know who he is so he should-" she paused thoughtfully, her thoughts toppling like dominos.
"So it's about what's fair," Andrew said.
"I trust him with my secrets, don't you think he should extend the same courtesy towards me?" her voice was small, unassured.
"I can understand how you feel but you must consider the fact that everyone has their own set of secrets and their own confidant, just because you feel secure in confiding in him doesn't mean he feels the same." Dan voiced his perspective.
"And even if he does, there must be his own reasons for withholding whatever he didn't share." Said, Andrew.
Ella was looking between both her friends like a tennis match, her head spun, "B-but..."
"And don't get me wrong, it's not entirely on you Ella, it might be his own inhibition or something else like past experiences that made him wary and that's understandable." He added.
"You guys are supposed to be on my side!" she grumbled weakly and her friends chuckled.
"We are," Dan said smiling.
"But I still don't get it. He's fine with sharing his deepest insecurities and facts that he trusts no one else with under the veil of anonymity, but he won't give me any specifics and he won't even tell me why?" she said in that same meek voice.
"Is that not enough?" Dan asked, startling her yet again. At that moment she hated her friends for asking all the right questions.
"From what I hear, it sounds like you're asking a little too much." Andrew continued, "You said so yourself, that he tells you his deepest secrets, maybe he is comfortable that way, you can't be mad at your pen pal for holding on to something he finds security in."
"Sometimes I can't help but think-" that he'll disappear, just like that. She didn't finish the thought out loud.
"You need to be patient, Ell, it sounds like you hold him quite high in regard, don't lose what you have just because you want everything," Dan said to her, sounding quite wise.
"It feels like you guys are ganging up on me." She said and they laughed, "I have told you now, please let's talk about something else."
"That's alright too, in that case, I can speak and you can listen as you stare at this mountain of flames." Andrew smiled, his light eyes looked dark jade in the glow of the fire.
"And why would you bestow this generosity upon me?" She raised an eyebrow at him, a small smile broke out.
He shrugged, "They say, when you set out to help someone else, you end up helping yourself as well..."
"That's mighty profound..." Dan commented, trying not to chuckle but failed.
Ella laughed too and Andrew broke a smile at seeing her laugh. " Alright fine...tell me, I'll listen," said Ella.
The fire crackled, waves crashed in the distance and crickets chirped, Ella and Dan looked at Andrew and waited.
"Any day now..." Dan teased.
"Okay, I'm having a hard time thinking of something to tell you now that you've put me on the spot," Andrew confessed.
Ella laughed, she thought for a moment "Tell me about your best childhood memory...?"
Andrew took a deep breath, paused thoughtfully and finally smiled as he spoke, "I was seven years old when my parents took me and my older brother to the countryside to meet my grandparents, it was during the holidays and I always loved visiting my grandparents because they would spoil me and my brother with everything. They would give us candy, let us eat between meals, stay up past our bedtime, as kids it was awesome, practically badass. There was a wild sycamore tree in the backyard that I and my brother always climbed, we spent hours on that thing, and on new years night when all the adults were drinking and having a barbeque party, we snuck some food to the tree and sat there talking and eating and joking, at some point, we also started singing. It's my favourite memory I have with my brother."
"That sounds really nice." Dan smiled.
"Where's your brother now?" Ella voiced her curiosity.
"He's in LA, moved there last year for his job, he's studying to be a Pediatrician," Andrew told her.
Ella's eyes widened a little bit, "That's impressive."
"I know." He said with pride. "Alright, now...tell us more about this pen pal, what's he like?"
"Yeah, I'm curious too, you surprised me, Ella... Like Woah where did he even come from?" Dan wondered.
Ella flustered thinking about the embarrassing story and tried to avoid it, "I told you I wanna talk about something else-"
"Either that or tell me what's your favourite thing about me?" Andrew negotiated with a cheeky smile.
"Dude, are you really looking for compliments tonight?" Dan asked flatly.
"Well, they are never bad for my self-esteem so why not..." He didn't even deny and Ella's jaw dropped.
She gave him an equally annoying answer, "I like your fetching good looks."
Daniel looked confused as he looked between them, a moment passed in silence as Andrew processed that. "What? That can't be your favourite thing about me?" he protested, frowning intensely while looking offended.
"Well, it is, I like your green eyes and dark hair, I like the whole mysterious, good-looking guy you've got going on and you can't do anything about that..."
"B-but..." He stuttered. "I have so much more to offer, you can't reduce me to a pretty face!"
Daniel was now full-on laughing at Andrew's pathetic attempt at being witty, while Ella and Andrew ignored him.
"I'm sorry but that's just how I feel." She pressed her lips in a thin line after sipping from her bottle of beer.
"Alright, you win. I don't want to know anything about him, but please tell me honestly that that's not your favourite thing about me?"
Ella laughed at how serious he was, Dan has still not recovered from his amusement, "You're sweetly stubborn and you really try to help even though sometimes it gets annoying, I like that about you..." She told him honestly.
Andrew tried not to smile and raised a brow, "Okay, alright...I can work with that, much better than the bullshit you said earlier."
"You are quite demanding and nosy though, I think that's my least favourite thing about you..." She added and he deliberated her words for a second.
"So basically your favourite and least favourite things about me are the same." He muttered.
Ella laughed. "Pretty much..."
"That sounds like an insult disguised as a compliment, but I'm gonna take pride in it." He conceded.
They both chuckled and stared into the distance, a comfortable silence fell around them save for Dan's laugh that still hadn't stopped, which was somehow still peaceful even in the midst of a turbulent and cacophonous bonfire bash.
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The moon was shining bright and even though it was a quarter, it was casting an ethereal Mangata on the dynamic waves with complete disregard to what she was feeling. It reminded her about what Elliot had once said about the moon following him around, and didn't know if she wanted to smile or grieve.
Ella was no good company today and she was aware of it, so she kept her distance from the other guests. Not everyone was as understanding as Andrew and Dan.
After they left to 'socialise' her thoughts had wandered again, she realised it was a counterproductive burden to think of all this while not wanting to but she couldn't do much about them, Ella deliberated her choice, agonising over the meaning of the absence of a reply. All the questions raised by her friends stirred in her mind, refusing to settle.
Maybe it was just a matter of his busy life, he might have been too busy to write back, college could get demanding. What if he simply didn't get the time.
Ella knew all these reasons, but something seemed off that she couldn't ignore. The bothersome thought rooted itself deeper in her mind yesterday but another day had passed and he still hadn't replied to her letter, and suddenly her thoughts took a negative turn.
What if he got hurt, she had no way to find out if he was okay. He could have gotten into an accident, got hit by a bus or lightning if he was unlucky enough, maybe got a sports injury, for all she knew, she could be sitting there moaning about not having a letter while the writer of those letters could be fighting for his life in a hospital. That was dramatic, she knew that, but the possibility wasn't entirely abolished, since she had no way to find out.
She turned to the next person in the crowd and asked, "Do you know if anyone from our college got injured or hurt during the last couple of days?" She blurted.
Neo blinked at her, he had no idea why that question was asked, he just made his way towards her to maybe talk to her, but he answered honestly anyway, "Not that I know of."
"Oh, okay..." she mumbled and went back to staring at the fire.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" Neo asked unsurely as he pointed at the spot next to her.
Ella looked up at him, and shook her head, "Go ahead." she said, he looked awkward enough, she didn't want to make him feel more uncomfortable by rudely denying.
He sat down with his knees bent and feet resting on the sand, his arms casually wound around his knees, and he had a drink in his hand. He was wearing another one of his oversized yet comfy hoodies.
"I have never seen you at a party before..." He commented and she looked over to him.
"Uh...I don't usually attend, just once in a while, I probably wouldn't have come if it wasn't at the beach" She admitted.
Neo nodded. The silence returned, and they sat there awkwardly staring at the waves. Ella couldn't help but think Neo was being different, almost unlike himself. In a crowd, if ever he sees her he always walks away from her, not towards.
"I can't think of anything to say..." He suddenly chuckled.
Ella looked at him more carefully, a little surprised at the quiet laugh, his brown eyes were bright, brighter than usual and then she asked, "Neo, are you drunk?"
He held up his hand with a centimetre of space between index finger and thumb and said, "just a little."
Ella laughed at that.
"I just thought I needed some liquid courage if I was to approach you?" He admitted.
"But why, you don't even like talking to me, a few weeks ago you didn't even know who I was." She said, totally confused.
"That's what you think, but I knew who you were since my first year, I had a crush on you." He told her. "That day when I called you Ellen, I was so nervous that I messed up your name. If you would have asked me my name I have no doubt I'd have messed that up too." He confessed.
Ella froze, a beat passed in silence and then she smiled, "I'm pretty sure I was not supposed to know any of that. Wow, you're an honest drunk."
Neo nodded, "My friends also say I'm talkative when I'm drunk and I've got no filter, but can you believe it, talkative and me? And I have such a huge filter in my brain that I practically say nothing."
Ella was pretty sure this was the most he's spoken to her, but she just nodded along. Smiling at the things he said, feeling mostly entertained and very flattered at his innocent confession.
"I wanted to apologize to you Ella, I didn't mean to be rude to you, I'm not very good at picking up social clues and sometimes I misread situations. I didn't think I was being rude, I thought you would appreciate it if I left you alone and didn't bother you, I didn't know you thought I was being disrespectful until you told me. I've been wanting to apologize for a while but I couldn't quite gather my nerves, I look at you and my mind goes blank. I didn't know what to do."
Ella's face was stuck at an expression of pure shock. "Oh my god..." She mumbled under her breath, "I don't know what to say. Thanks for apologizing, I guess, you're forgiven."
"Thank you." He smiled, "It really feels nice to finally tell you this." She never noticed how vibrant his smile was, but then again he never really smiled like he was doing then, instead he mostly had a cold snarky look on his face.
Ella gulped noisily, "I'm scared to ask you anything, I feel like I'll get a really honest answer and I don't know if I want to hear it." She told him.
"You can ask me anything." He encouraged her.
"That's what I'm afraid of. Do you usually remember everything the other day?" She asked inquisitively.
"Mostly, I do...sometimes chunks and pieces of memories are missing but they eventually come back to me, Why?" He asked cluelessly.
"Because you may regret this conversation tomorrow." Ella shrugged.
"Why, would I?" He asked, looking adorably clueless.
"I don't know...just a hunch." She answered vaguely.
"I won't regret it..." He said, sounding very sure about it.
Her eyes widened in surprise, "You promise?"
He smiled and agreed, "Promise."
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