I woke up in the middle of the afternoon to which I was greeted with the blinding light of the sun.
"Ugh....damn bro kept me wake all night long..."
While today was a rest day, I would had to sleep and get my assignments done. However, I've already finished them last night and there's only a few left to which I only need to edit them before submitting but I can do that later.
'To be honest, am I really lucky to have dated a girl?'
It wasn't to say that I feel negative about myself but with bad luck with women around me, I feel like Kathie's unusual behavior with liking me sounds so superficial. I don't even believe myself to be a perfect guy at all since I am just likable being a friend type rather than being a boyfriend material.
"To be honest, I do look a bit good-looking."
Turning into a mirror, one thing changes was my weight before going to college. I was obese and look more as a pig rather than being labeled as a hottie and the reason why I lost weight was that we cut off our food budget after that guy left.
I do a bit of an exercise but its mainly to keep up my stamina so I can last longer while moving back and forth to save up money.
I'll be honest with you, I'm actually a cheapskake that prefers to buy the necessities rather than luxury and only spend them when its either important or just to congratulate myself. I'm usually strict upon myself since I usually blame myself for my mother's death which is why I never praise myself and improve to be better.
So I either study, work out or even learn to be independant to never rely on others and never be to arrogant.
However, after meeting Kathie....
'I feel so relaxed being by her side and....'
To be honest, it didn't completely justified whether I like her or not but if I can open myself up to her. I do share everything to her. Except something important and the core of my being.
Trust.
I did say that we should open each other's heart and whatnot but to be honest, I could never do that, even if I end up dying. Thats the core of my being and my safe haven from the pain I've built.
Some people can simply say that they can open all his heart for you but for me, I rather improve myself to be better than showing my heart to someone.
Not only that, the trust is actually not just harming others but to myself as well.
I can't trust Kathie, my friends, my family. Hell, I can't even trust myself anymore. The moment I open my heart, I feel as if something would happen to me and I feel the dread of it happening.
I can smile like an idiot, stay calm when getting insulted or mocked by Trish, I can even be patient with Kathie's attachment which invokes my Trauma but the moment I let out my heart, I feel the terror in my body that if something bad were to happen, I would completely lose it.
I got rejected by the girl I liked, I lost my mom at the time of my darkest moment. I even found out about my father's adultery. It all culminates on how broken I was and began to erode my mind of I slowly becoming mentally unstable as time goes on.
Which is why I can never let out my heart to others, even to myself.
"Hey Ziks, there's food on the table if you haven't had any lunch."
"Right. Thanks Bro."
One of my brothers called out to me the moment I was awake and told me about to take a lunch. He simply was just watching a video with earphones as I lazily stretch my body before heading to the dinning room where the food was set up and start munching down.
After that, I began to check my phone as I was shocked at how many the messages were. Most of the message coming from Kathie about the usual thing, messaging about why I'm not responding much but it was less than the previous ones from before as I smiled and began texting her. Maybe she already realizes that I'm not much of a talker as she sent a few messages as she texted me back and even called me.
We converse for a bit before hanging up as I turned to see my brother grinning at me with a smug look on his face.
"Hey Ziks. Was that your girl? Pfft, I guess not. Considering how much of a scardy-cat you are."
"Yeah, Yeah."
My brother laughs it off thinking that I've been spending my time texting some girl but he realizes that it was usually just me socializing with some weirdos from the internet and I can't blame him actually.
I've been so disclose to real life and purely focus on my studies that my free time was usually vacant whenever I'm done studying and whatnot. My entertainment was usually so low that I tend to look for things to interest me.
Then, my brother recommended me to read webnovels from the internet which I just haphazardly just look through it at some glance before gaining interest in one.
He laughs it off considering I would read novels with lack of development and mostly just happy slice of life adventures and whatnot but I felt fond of reading them and even socialize with those who had the same interest as I did.
Those weirdos my brother talks bad about even helped me treat my problems such as Gynophobia and my lack of social skills.
However, those guys whom I've socialize over the course before getting into college, they slowly disappear and I couldn't even mixed well with the new ones and basically just easedrop on the newcomers.
So I basically just observe some people and rarely talk to which while I feel sad, its just a part of live and we can only move on.
"Hey Ziks, I think we ran out on some chicken and Kris said to get some if your heading out."
"Ah, Kay bro."
After finishing my meal, I stood up and place the dishes to the sink and head back to my room to change. Since its just heading to the market, I wore a simple shirt and some trousers before asking him for something else to consider buying.
After heading outside, I began to walk to the market since its not far from our place.
The sound of people calling out on customers, the bustling boom of multiple shops being set up and the crowd forming around different places, the market was full of people who would look for either a bountiful harvest for a cheap price or an opportunity to sell some goods.
I began to observe more into places that sells ingredients as heading into the food market was the best choice.
"Fish for sale! Buy one take one!"
"Dear Sir, Madam, are you interested in fresh vegetables from a good source?"
"Get your pork here before the sales goes up!"
Hearing the bustling sounds of merchants selling their goods, I tend to look deeper into the ingredients and prefer the best choice possible.
I'm not too keen on how to pick the best one as I tend to observe more from the housewives perspective. They tend to be very good with their eyes as I would always follow them from behind and learn from their experiences.
"Oh dear, I think you should lower that beef by just a bit since I saw some certain marks on it. Just lower the price a bit more or I'll just look for somewhere else."
'Wow, If that lady didn't point that out, I would actually won't notice that.'
I was actually surprised to see that woman's keen eyes, pointing out a certain part of the cow as there are actually marks which had turned purple. It seems that the beef was slightly showing some sickness but she feels it was still safe to eat so she suggested to lower the price instead.
The man sweated a little before starting a bargaining price with the woman to which she won and bought the beef.
Following her advice, I also began to look for chickens to set my price into as she had called out to me.
"Young man, I suggest buying that chicken over there. Its a bit pricy but it should be fine for you. Just haggle it to near half-price since it would be worth buying."
"Ah... Okay...."
I was pleasantly surprised that the lady from before was helping me so I decided to follow her advice and start to bargain the merchant.
She and the Merchant was a but shocked that I was a bit good at haggling, both of us battling out on the chicken's price but I knew that the merchant was selling this one for a bit more so that lady's guess was spot on and was worth battling out with him.
In the end, I manage to cut it off to half the price than the lady expected as I turned to her and bowed.
"If it weren't for your help, I would never notice that at all. Thanks for helping me."
"Its fine young man. I was pleasantly surprised that you have such a good bargaining skills for such a man."
"Hahaha. I do tend to shop around these parts and learning from beautiful ladies such as you, I've had my experiences."
"Oh my.... Quite a charmer are you."
"Not at all. Haha....."
Me and the lady talk like its a natural thing. I wasn't showing signs of my phobia acting up as I saw older women, especially married ones easy to talk and communicate. Its especially so when it comes to mothers as they show warmth and affection to youngsters.
Its either because of my lack of mother figure or basically I might had a fetish for mothers but I'm more calm and talkative to those older than me and respectful to elderly as they hold wise knowledge and experiences to learn from.
And so we converse for a bit as I helped her carry her stuff around since I wasn't holding much and returned to her place as I was greeted by a familiar sight.
"N-niel?"