Church entered the Blue base at the sound of stuff being knocked over and glass breaking.
Church: Hey Doc, what the hell's going on in there?
Doc: Church, everything's fine. The patient's just resting.
Church: Doesn't sound like he's resting.
Doc: That's not Tucker, that's our new arrival.
Baby Alien: Blaarg!
Doc: He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.
Church: Tucker. . . fed. . . the baby? Gross.
Doc: Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood. You know what they say, it takes a village.
Church: How'd you get him to agree to that?
Doc: It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him cookies and a glass of orange juice.
Baby Alien: Blarg, honk honk!
Church: But he hates needles.
Doc: No needles, turns out if you just show some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!
Caboose walked towards them woozily.
Doc: It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
Caboose: I feel dizzy!
Church: Um, is he gonna be okay?
Doc: Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go, Isn't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker, or a vampire, or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.
Caboose: Ooooooohhh.
Doc: Anyways, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effect like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-
Caboose: I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
The Blue proceeded to collapse to the ground.
Doc: Or passing out.
Caboose: Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice. . . .
Church: How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?
Doc: Sleeping? He's not sleeping. . . He's in a coma.
Church: Alright, that's it. Get out of the way Doc, I'll take care of this.
Caboose: I can't feel my torso.
Doc: I don't think so. A newborn is really susceptible to infection, and disease. And cuddling. I only wanna expose it to as few people as possible.
Church: Doc, don't worry, I'm not gonna give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head, because that's how I roll.
Doc: Well, now you're definitely not coming in. And I think we're gonna send back your shower gift too.
Caboose: I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me?
Church: I'll tell you what, I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the abomination of nature, okay?
Doc: Sorry.
Church: Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going inside my own base.
Doc: Church, don't make me pull rank on you.
Church: R-Rank?! What the fuck- I outrank, you don't outrank me, I'm a Captain!
Doc: No, you're a Private with a dead Captain. The last time I checked, that makes you a Private, with a dead Captain.
Caboose: My body. . . is trying to die.
Church: W-Okay fine, then we're both privates, you don't outrank me.
Doc: No, I'm Medical Super Private First Class.
Church: That's not a real rank.
Doc: Yes it is.
Church: Since when?
Doc: Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four years requesting that promotion.
Church: They promoted you for that?! You haven't even used your weapon!
Doc: Leadership isn't about firing bullets and stabbing people Church, leadership is about being able to tell others to fire bullets and stab people.
Caboose: If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn into one of them?
Church: Shut up Caboose.
Caboose: Blaaaaaaaaa-
Church: Shut up Caboose.
Caboose: -aaarg. Oh no, don't let me turn.
A loud bang then shook the base! It reminded Church of the same quake that happened when Ruby crash landed!
Church: The hell was that?!
Caboose: I didn't feel anything. . .
Church: I'll be right back, don't feed anymore of our soldiers to the alien.
Doc: Okay, but I can't make any promises.
Caboose: Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
Doc: Oh, shut up Caboose.
Caboose: Now he's cursing at me.
*With the Reds*
The Reds were in the middle of the canyon, standing before the crashed pelican.
Sarge: Simmons, status report. *coughs*
Simmons: Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky and landed on Donut, sir.
Sarge: Are there any other injuries?
Simmons: No sir!
Sarge: You sure?
Simmons: I think so.
Sarge: Are you sure? Nobody got accidentally shot in the face when someone else's shotgun just accidentally went off during the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing, purple by coincidence?
Simmons: Uh, I don't kno-
Sarge: No one orange?
Grif: Ungh, I'm fine.
Simmons: Sorry sir.
Sarge: Oh dehrh, I really need to adjust the sights on this thing.
Simmons: On the bright side, Ruby won't shoot you once she gets back.
Sarge: Guess that's true.
Grif: What about Donut? Ruby's gonna be pissed once she finds he just died!
Simmons: Poor Donut, I'll miss him like a sister.
Sarge: I'll miss him like. . . Well, I'll miss him like someone I knew but that I don't really wanna reflect on how deep our relationship went.
Simmons: Wait a second, do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.
The maroon soldier was correct, a tapping sound was coming from the Pelican Dropship.
Grif: All I hear is you guys talking' about your feelings for Donut. And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.
Simmons: Listen! There it is again!
Sarge: You're absolutely right! That sounds like Morris Code.
Simmons: Um, excuse me. Sir, it's actually not Morris Code, it's Morse Code, sir.
Sarge: Morse, heheh, that sound ridiculous. I don't think so.
Simmons: Yes, Morse is the person who developed and international code for communicating without audio. Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.
Sarge: And that cat was one our finest military minds, don't you see? That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us! Now, get to tappin'.
Simmons: Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow.
Sarge: Great idea Simmons, I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in stressful situations. There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby.
Grif: You want me to call Donut's mother?
Sarge: Don't make me angry Grif, you wouldn'f like me when I'm angry.
Grif: I'm sure I'll be fine. I've survived Ruby's rage.
Sarge: Now if only there were some way we could tap into our inner rage, like that Hulk fella. Dangnabbit! There's never any gamma radiation around when you need it.
Simmons: Well, what if we tried getting into the ship, and lowering the landing gear? That might raise the ship-
Sarge: Or we could build an army of
Simmons: I think the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift it. . .
Sarge: Could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that makes Donut gigantic! Or both.
Simmons: Or we could try digging underneath the hull.
Sarge: I've got it! A levitation ray. I think I have a spare in the base! I'll be right back.
The Red leader sped off towards the base.
Simmons: But sir-
Sarge entered the Warthog.
Sarge: Simmons, there's no time to chat about your crackpot theories! This is a crisis situation! Time to save us all, with science.
He drove off.
Grif: Ugh, Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?
Simmons: And our shovels. Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved to death.
Church then arrived.
Church: The fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?
Grif: Fuck off, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
Church: What? This ship?
He pointed at the pelican.
Simmons: No, another ship. That ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Church: Where'd it come from?
Grif: It's a spaceship, it came from space.
Church looked at them and then at the spaceship. . . .
Church: Dibs.
Simmons: What?
Church: Dibs, I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
Simmons: No it isn't jackass! We found it first.
Church: Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did, Dibs. See?
Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous.
Church: Yeah, yes I can. Dibs, see? I just did it again. Now get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can.
Simmons: Don't call me tomato can.
Grif: Try and take it then.
Church: Um. . . Okay. Sheila?
The tank was idly by.
Sheila: You bet.
Grif: Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?
Simmons: Yeah, kinda.
Sheila: Now step away from the ship, tomato can.
Grif: Ha ha, tomato can.
Sheila: You too, lemon head.
Grif: Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!
Sheila: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!