It had been almost a week since I spent that night in Fred's arms, under those heavy stars. We hadn't spoken about it since, I wasn't sure whether that was due to perhaps a sense of regret regarding the subject on his behalf, or maybe something more. But I didn't mind, for when he did look at me, and we exchanged a stolen glance through a bustling corridor, or across the common room, our minds would both drift off to that night, and we could trade a knowing look, like an almost inside joke.
Just like he was doing now, as the seven of us were gathered around the large table in the back corner of the library, and Fred's eyes persistently wandered from the work in front of him to meet mine from across the table. His movements were subtle, but I knew they were there.
Those velvet brown eyes were utterly destructive, so astonishingly sweet like thick honey although mischievous and unafraid all the while. I raised my eyebrows at his prolonged gaze in an attempt to query the intent behind his movements but he simply just shrugged as he pushed his tongue around the inside of his cheek, before turning his attention back to his book.
"Hermione, what's the etymology for the Everte Statum charm?" George questioned, suddenly shattering the silence as he lifted his head from his defence against the dark arts homework.
"I'm not sure George, I haven't read that far into the 5th year stuff" Hermione admitted with an exasperated sigh, looking almost disappointed with herself.
"No it's fine Mione, I should know myself. Fred do you kn-"
"It's derived from the Latin everte, meaning to throw out and statum, meaning stand" I stated casually, before resetting my gaze onto the first chapter of Wuthering heights resting below me.
I had recently come to the realization that I had read every piece of classic literature my heart could possibly dream up from start to finish, except Wuthering heights. I had been read passages here and there, it being Remus's favourite book, but something about it also being his favourite book left me unsettled. I suppose I had been subconsciously neglecting it, letting myself into a piece of Sirius's past life unannounced felt like a strange invasion of some kind, like it's the sort of thing I should have been doing with him?
"Ohh uh-, thank you" George responded, almost at a loss for words, unsure how to react to my sudden interjection. "How did you um..?" He trailed off.
"Are you forgetting my dad is the man who teaches you the subject you're working on?" I chuckled, watching as the realization washed over his features.
"You don't think you could help me finish?" George asked shyly, his eyes trailing over his paper.
I gave him what I can only hope was a kind smile as I relocated to kneeling on the floor beside George and propping my elbows on the table next to him, starting to scan over his homework.
I stared up at him and momentarily studied his features. They were different to Fred's, his bone structure was uniquely his own and his bottom lip wasn't quite as full as his twins. His eyes however. His eyes were just the same. A sinful swirl of almond and honey, beautifully gentle whilst holding a sharp sort of edge.
"You must know this one Georgie?" I questioned, when suddenly the group fell silent and all eyes were unsettlingly fixated upon me.
I glanced over everyone, scanning each and every expression, unaware as to what I'd done to warrant everyone's sudden and undivided attention. And then it hit me.
Georgie?
I hadn't even acknowledged this slip of the tongue before the words were free falling and it was far too late to retract them.
"Ohh Georgie" Ginny teased in a sickly sweet tone as she purposely batted her eyelashes in an exaggerated manner, earning sniggers from Ron.
"Leave off Gin, it was an accident" George snapped strenly, coming to my rescue as he acknowledged my earnest mistake. "Besides, Ari can call me whatever she bloody well likes, especially if she is helping me with homework" He added, chuckling slightly as he continued to reassure me of his lack of concern regarding the subject.
I couldn't help but struggle to suppress that mild embarrassment ebbing away inside, those intrusive thoughts that attempted to convince me that I had just humiliated myself in front of everyone, including Fred.
No one that wasn't close to George called him Georgie, especially not as carefreely as I just demonstrated, did they think I was trying to embed myself within the group, force my permanence upon them?
Although sure enough the mistaken memory faded from view and we all began to pack away our things and head back to the common room.
"I'm going to stop by and see Remus, George do you want me to take your homework?" I offered, as I watched him start to pack it away in his bag.
"I'll join you" George concluded with a shy nod and began walking with me towards Remus's office whilst the rest of the group bid their goodbyes and parted away from us towards the common room.
George and I walked in comfortable silence for a moment, simply just appreciating the soft orange illuminations of the corridor and the easy although harsh bitter air that dampened the halls, before Geroge spoke up.
"Ardelle?" He questioned, his tone very reserved and almost shaky.
"Yes George?" I replied, although I didn't meet his eye in an attempt to not increase the nerves so painfully obvious as he spoke.
"Have you ever been in love?" He muttered almost under his breath quietly, but I didn't miss it.
I was slightly taken aback by his question and seemingly unable to form an immediate response. I have never met anybody that I could have potentially been in love with until five days ago, and even then, five days isn't enough time to fall in love, is it? How can you acknowledge a feeling that you had never experienced? How do you differentiate between really like and love?
Was it the way you doubted every syllable as it left your lips in their presence? Was it the way you had ultimately decided no laugh would ever be as comforting or pleasing, now you had heard his? Was it the realization that no eyes would ever be as beautifully tragic nor all consuming and perfect to get lost in forever? Was it the way you not only found him in every crowded room but instead started looking, even in the ones you knew he wouldn't be? Was it the way you knew that no matter where you went or who you discovered, this boy would always hold a piece of you, whether he wanted to or not?
Holy fuck. Maybe I was in love.
"I don't think so George" I confessed in a haze of confusion and perhaps mild dishonesty. Although I decided later that telling someone you met not even a week ago that you thought you were in love with their identical twin brother, whom you also met not even a week ago was probably the safer choice for now. "Why do you ask?"
He didn't answer my question, his eyes trailing along the ground as he fiddled with his fingers, his body suddenly embodying a weakened stature as he looked as though he didn't quite know what to do with himself.
"Is this about Oliver?" I asked, assuming he may have wanted to be prompted rather than expected to initiate the confession himself.
"I've never felt like this about anyone Ardelle, never" He blurted out, his cheeks growing visbally warm as he continued to eye the floor. "But we haven't even spoken since he kissed me and so I can't help but think.." he trailed off unsure where he was headed with his statement.
"George I don't know much about relationships, and I know even less when this person happens to be your friend, but I do know what I see when he looks at you. Friends don't look at friends like that, and friends certainly do not kiss friends like that" I insisted as we began growing closer to Remus's office.
"So I should?"
"Talk to him. People won't be around forever and you shouldn't live your life wondering what could have been. If there is one thing I know it's that regret is dumb" I admitted, suddenly hit by the weight of my own words.
We approached the entrance to Remus's office and both took a stand still outside. "Thank you Ari" He whispered almost soundlessly, before wrapping me into a gentle embrace that we both let linger for a moment.
I pushed open the heavy door and watched as Remus's head shot up in response to the sound, his tired eyes softening as they met mine.
"You ok pup?" He questioned concernedly, and I gave him a small smile to instantly alleviate his inevitable worry and then moved out of the way to allow George to step into the light of the office. "Ah, Mr Weasley, what can I do you for?"
"My homework Sir" George stated plainly as he walked over to Remus's desk and placed the completed sheets of parchment in front of him.
Remus's eyes grew wide and his jaw was slack, but after a moment of utter confusion his lips curled into an almost proud smirk.
"George, I'd never have thought I would see the day this got to me on time, let alone 3 days early, well done" Remus affirmed as he studied the homework intently.
"Well I may have had some help" George replied and then turned to face me and flashed a knowing wink that caused a rosy blush to infuse my cheeks slightly.
"Very well, have a good evening Mr Weasley. Elle would you mind staying back for a while?" Remus questioned in a nervous tone but I obliged and nodded before telling George I would meet him back at the common room shortly.
I walked over to Remus's desk and perched myself on the chair positioned just opposite, but not before reaching over and taking his mug of steaming tea for myself. He didn't object, just smiled warmly as allowed me to drink his tea in peace.
He observed me for a minute and I couldn't help but return the gesture. His eyes were heavy and visibly tired, so sunken back they began to get lost in the mits of his wary expression. His lips were dry and broken, his skin noticeably drained of all colour, I decided in that moment maybe he needed the tea more than I did and I replaced the mug where I had found it.
"Is everything alright?" I prompted, hoping he would follow on from my lead and provide an explanation as to why he was here at seven p.m, hunched over stacks of, clearly not school related, paperwork looking as though he hadn't slept in a year.
"There has been..last night. Um there was-" He started but couldn't muster the strength to finish.
"Dad?"
"There was a sighting last night. Someone reported a sighting of Peter Pettigrew" He croaked out between broken breaths in an obvious attempt not to crumble in my presence.
Peter Pettigrew?
As in the man who sold out James and Lily? As in the man that convinced the world Sirius was a murderer? Sirius. Did this mean?...honestly I wasn't sure, and I wasn't sure I was ready to think about it either.
"So this means?" I breathed out slowly, unable to gage my own reaction to this news.
"That if Peter is found, Sirius's case will be re-opened and taken to trial. This is it Ardelle. He may finally be coming home" Remus's voice held a promising tone, his eyes were alight with infinite hues of a raw kind of innocence I had never seen before.
Remus Lupin, for the first time in 15 years, felt hope.
I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't entirely sure I could. I was desperate not to react in a manner that would, in any way, deteriorate Remus's new found joy. So instead I pulled myself out of the chair I had now unwillingly sunken into and sat myself on Remus's lap, nuzzling my head into his shoulder.
"Nymphadora has been appointed head of the case and wants to meet with us in a week or so, it's easier than conversing over letters, you remember Tonks, don't you?"
Nymphadora Tonks was an auror who completed her training whilst being an order member, at only nineteen. She was by far the embodiment of freedom and 'I dont give a fuck'. I think that's what made her so perfect. She was always there when Remus and I would visit Grimmauld place after the war, and honestly she was the only reason I went for so long. Nymphadora Tonks was the closest thing I had ever had to a sister and I was strangely ok with that.
I just nodded into his warm embrace, still unsure how to coherently or functionally string together a response.
We stayed like that for a while, I absorbed his scent and found immense comfort in the hum of his tone. I wondered if I would still be able to do this when he got here, or whether I would be expected to seek comfort elsewhere. Would I still call Remus dad or was that not true anymore? Where would I live? Where would he live? Does he love me? Will I learn to love him?
These, along with millions of other unanswered questions, went viral around my mind. I was lost in a pool of confusion and doubt that was slowly rising and I was soon forgetting how to swim. My eyes trailed over Remus's shoulder and up the wall until they settled on the clock.
9:22 p.m.
"Remus, I need to be back before curfew" I stated reluctantly loosening myself from his grip and slowly standing up.
"Ok pup, I'll see you at breakfast" He confirmed as I made my way over to the door, desperate to slip out before I crumbled right then and there. "I love you"
"Love you too da-" But I halted my own speech and turned to face him, suddenly overly conscious of my choice of words. "Remus, love you too Remus" and I slipped out the door without another word.
And sure enough, no longer was I forcing out light hearted chuckles in Remus's arms but instead suppressing shameful and bitter tears, as my body collapsed against the nearest wall I could find.
The soft sounds from my surroundings became incoherent and somewhat painful, the soft orange lights I could recall illuminating the room just moments ago had suddenly shifted to an overwhelming and erratic sting of intense white.
And evidently I was met with that familiar burn of hot, seering liquid streaming down my cheeks, surly leaving a harsh trail of angry scarlett in their wake, due to their agonising heat.
I wasn't sure anybody was there, truthfully I wasn't sure I was there. That was until a faint voice made itself known in the hazy mess currently taking over my senses.
"Ardelle is everything alright?" Harry's voice was almost lost in the sickening symphony of chaos I seemed to be drowning in as he crouched down to my level and extended his arm out to me.
I croaked out an incoherent and potentially inaudible response before Harry had lifted me to my feet and started directing me towards the common room.
Harry never failed to observe the things I needed him too, obvious or not. He still does to this day. As my demeanor weakened or my breathing quickened or my legs no longer held the capabilities to hold my own weight, he was there. He didn't say anything specific, not that he needed to, he was just a reassurance that sat in the background quite comfortably. I was grateful for that, I still am.
We entered the common room and I watched as the joyous tone of the boy's conversation dropped and all eyes fixated on me as I loosened myself from Harry's grip and walked towards my dorm, not saying a word.
Why would I join them, and purposely dampen their fun?
I threw myself down on the bed, allowing the smell of the fresh sheets to hold me as I slowly rocked myself back and forth.
I choked on broken sobs as I felt an unwanted sense of anger surface within me. I remember reading somewhere that sadness is always hidden behind anger, although we never allow the anger to come unless in a moment self defence, regardless of its form. So perhaps I can allow myself to take credit for this acceptance, for allowing myself to feel pain.
I suppose in a way it's a lesson of the true intent behind these emotions, just one of those subtle reminders that I'm not as fragile as I make myself seem.
A heavy knock on the door broke me from my thoughts momentarily as I lifted my head in the direction of the sound and responded reluctantly. "It's open" I croaked before burrowing my face back into my knees as my legs were pulled into my chest.
The door began to open cautiously, creaking slightly as it did. I groaned as the thick amber light from the hallway cast an abrupt shadow throughout the intentionally darkened room.
"You left this in the library" He spoke in nothing more than a whisper and as he did I lifted my head once again although this time perhaps far too eagerly to be met with Fred, standing half in the doorway awkwardly, with Wuthering heights clutched in his hand.
"Thank you" I muttered, my breathing slowing slightly at the sight of him.
"Do you want me to stay?" He questioned and although his company was something I never thought I would deny myself, I needed nothing more than to be alone.
"It's ok, I'll see you at breakfast" I responded and watched as he smiled whole heartedly and slipped back out the door again, although he didn't close the door behind him, seemingly on purpose as he allowed that rich, golden illumination to continue brightening the room.
I reached over to grab the book Fred had thrown towards me and upon opening the first page I was met with an unfamiliar piece of parchment tucked into the fold. I questioned briefly who had put it there before beginning to unfold it, careful to not allow my falling tears to obstruct the paper.
I hope you know you're a pretty crier, and that I'm sorry you're hurt. I'm always here, like I said, even in the darkest of times. You could be trapped in an abyss of obsidian, and I will still find you. Sleep well
-F.W
And sleep well I did.