"So..." Camila said, approaching Lauren from behind and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's waist as she stood washing up the dishes from breakfast at the kitchen sink;
Normani, Ally and Dinah having left a half hour before in order to catch up with their families and respective other halves, Lauren dropping large hints for them to leave at every available chance.
"We're finally alone now," Camila reminded her girlfriend breathily, her mouth pressed close to Lauren's ear, her chin resting against the taller girls' neck. "What exactly are we going to do with this invaluable opportunity?" she asked suggestively, raising her eyebrow despite the fact that Lauren couldn't appreciate the gesture.
"You're going to go and get your stuff from upstairs," Lauren told her seriously, continuing to scrub clean one of the plates in the sink.
"Ok," Camila said, squeezing Lauren's waist more firmly, hugging her closer, "and you'll be joining me up there when exactly?" she asked, not even pretending to play coy.
Lauren laughed and turned around in
Camila's arms so that her back was leaning against the sink behind her.
"I'm not," Lauren informed her, reaching up her right hand which was still covered in suds from the washing up liquid and depositing them on the tip of Camila's nose with her fingertip. "I'm going to finish washing up and then I'm taking you out remember?"
"Why go out when we could stay in?" Camila asked her, a mischievous grin on her face as she wiped the suds off her nose with the back of her hand. "It might be a while before we get to be alone together again." She noted. "We should make the most of it."
"You have developed a one track mind since you got out of hospital," Lauren commented amused, dipping her hand back into the sink behind her quickly and transferring another handful of suds on to Camila's cheek playfully.
"I have a one track mind?" Camila asked laughing, wiping at her face again with the sleeve of her sweater. "Why were you in such a rush to drive the others away if you just wanted to take me out?"
"I didn't drive them out," Lauren protested halfheartedly, knowing deep down that she had.
"No of course you didn't," Camila responded, still laughing at the recollection. "All those hints that you kept dropping were just a friendly reminder that it was getting late and informing them of the time."
"I was being helpful," Lauren smiled widely.
"You were being obvious," Camila told her chuckling in response to the pleased expression on her girlfriends face.
"Well, I wanted them all to leave," Lauren shared with her honestly, shrugging as she spoke. "I want to spend the rest of the day with you and only you. Is that so wrong?" she asked.
"No," Camila replied shaking her head gently from side to side. "It's not wrong," she said, her hands slipping down to rest on Lauren's buttocks as she stepped forwards and pressed their hips together further. "It's the complete opposite of wrong." She continued teasingly as she moved her lips towards Lauren's slowly, inch by inch.
Lauren held her breath for a moment, desperate for Camila to connect their mouths together, desperate to feel her girlfriend's soft flesh pressed up against her own.
"This isn't fair," Lauren uttered quietly, her eyes watching Camila's lips intently when they came no further closer.
She swallowed hard as one of Camila's hands' groped her hip and moved around to the front of her denim jeans, toying with the button there roguishly.
"It's fun though," Camila replied smiling, her breath hot against Lauren's skin.
"When did you become such a tease?" Lauren asked her and Camila grinned in response.
"What makes you think I'm teasing you?" Camila asked her voice low and raspy, her tone unexpectedly evocative.
Lauren smiled and leant forward in an attempt to bring their lips together, laughing softly as Camila moved her head back a little, just out of reach.
"That does," Lauren answered her knowingly. "I have to admit that you're surprisingly good at it though Camz," She praised. "Everyone thinks that you're so sweet and innocent. If they only knew..." she trailed off thoughtfully, remembering all the times that Camila had tried to initiate something between them.
"I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not?" Camila asked with a confused expression on her face.
"You should," Lauren informed Camila, lifting her hand and depositing some more suds on the tip of her girlfriend's nose with the back of it.
Camila made a move to wipe them away again but Lauren caught her small wrist with her hand and held it still, causing Camila to tilt her head slightly as she studied Lauren, their eyes fixed on each other's. One side of Camila's mouth lifted in a smile as she noticed the silent challenge in her girlfriend's green orbs and she lifted her other hand quickly to try and swipe at the soapy lather where it still sat, but, Lauren's free hand shot up almost instantly and seized Camila's again, stopping her once more.
"Well played Lauren," Camila said evidently entertained by the game. "Now what?" she asked her.
"Now nothing," Lauren told her beaming.
"So we just stand here?" Camila asked her laughing.
"We just stand here," Lauren confirmed.
"You really didn't think this through at all did you?" Camila questioned and Lauren furrowed her brow as though thinking.
"Not really, no." She admitted and Camila's eye's glinted impishly.
"What?" Lauren asked her, noticing the change.
"Nothing," Camila replied evasively.
"Camz..." Lauren pressed tentatively, just as Camila ducked her head forward and rubbed her nose against her girlfriend's cheek, solving her problem instantly and passing it over to Lauren.
Camila withdrew her head again grinning from ear to ear, her face glowing happily as she watched Lauren's internal dilemma.
"Your move," Camila said simply, her tone light and cocky.
"Oh, so it's like that is it?" Lauren asked, pressing her back up against the sink firmly. "I see..."
"Lauren don't," Camila warned as Lauren lifted both their hands up and moved them back behind her so that they were hovering over the full sink, pulling the smaller girl closer against her in the process.
"Why not?" Lauren asked and Camila didn't have time to respond before both her hands and the majority of her sweater sleeves were dunked unceremoniously in to the warm water of the sink.
"I can't believe you just..." Camila started to complain but, she was so close to Lauren now that all the taller girl had to do was tilt her head forward slightly in order to connect their lips together and cut her off tersely.
Camila tried to move her head back but Lauren held her girlfriends' wrists in place and rendered it impossible for her to do so, keeping her small body pressed against her own securely. As soon as Camila felt Lauren trace her tongue across her bottom lip however, she forgot their game and opened her mouth eagerly to accept it, deepening the kiss, her arms relaxing as she sunk even closer into her girlfriend, her hips forcing Lauren's against the sink further.
Lauren released Camila's hands from her grasp and lifted her own to cup Camila's face momentarily, one hand soon straying to brush the shorter hair on the left side of Camila's head, the damp sleeking it back against her temple. Camila moved her right hand and carefully slithered it up under Lauren's top, making her abs harden almost instantly in response, her mouth opening for an instant in pleasure as Camila's fingers started to graze her side, leaving trails of dirty dishwater and foam in their wake.
"Are you sure that you don't want to go upstairs?" Camila asked gasping when they separated for a minute to catch their breaths.
"Is this what it's going to be like between us from now on?" Lauren asked chuckling lightly, trying to inhale large lungful's of air, still slightly puffed from their kiss. "Are we just going to have an insane amount of sex?"
"Sex is good for you," Camila commented shrugging. "It releases endorphins which make you feel happy and...well, I've been diagnosed with depression so, surely, sex should be considered a form of therapy for me."
"I'll let you explain that to my parents," Lauren laughed amused at Camila's logic. "You know? When they find us in bed together and want to kill us both."
"Please, I've lived through worse." Camila said with a haughty expression on her face. "I was hit by a speeding car and survived. Your parents will be like running up against a giant marshmallow."
"That may be true," Lauren replied entertained at Camila's use of imagery, "but not everyone has an impenetrable skull like you do Camz," she continued, pretending to tap her girlfriend's head with her knuckles for emphasis. "I'd actually die. My parents would physically kill me. I'd be dead."
"As I recall," Camila started, ignoring the last part of Lauren's response and pretending to think for a moment. "My skull wasn't all that impenetrable actually...I mean, I might be wrong, because we all know my memory is pretty poor but, I seem to remember a surgeon removing a massive piece of it for a while, you know, after the front of a car put a massive dent in it and squashed my brain."
"Are you serious?" Lauren asked raising both her eyebrows in surprise at Camila's sudden choice of conversation.
"You think I got this in a knife fight?" Camila asked pointing to the side of her head meaningfully.
"No, not that," Lauren told her, waving one hand dismissively. "I mean, are we're actually going to talk about your brain surgery right now?" she chuckled. "Weren't you just trying to seduce me?" Lauren laughed again, "The idea of someone opening up your head, well, it's kind of gross..."
"It was also necessary," Camila said holding up a finger emphatically and cutting Lauren off before she could continue with, 'and a little counterproductive to your cause Camz.'
"Ok, I agree that it's actually kind of cool in a way," Lauren mused thoughtfully, running her fingertips across the thick scar which was now hidden beneath Camila's rapidly growing hair.
"It's only cool if you like the idea of someone touching your brain," Camila replied lightly, "but to be completely honest with you Lauren, I'd really rather appreciate being touched somewhere else right about now..."
"You," Lauren said, pecking Camila on the lips briefly and cutting her off, "are," she continued, kissing her softly once again, "relentless." She finished, reaching up and
pulling on the back of Camila's neck, forcing their lips together once more, deepening it quickly, her tongue darting in to the familiar depths of her girlfriend's mouth as she sucked there gently, enjoying the taste of Camila as she happily obliged her.
Lauren felt Camila's hands sneak underneath the back of the top she wore and make their way up towards the middle of her back, her girlfriend's small fingers carefully meddling with the clasp of her bra.
"Mmm..." Lauren groaned into Camila's mouth, her own hands finding Camila's stomach and pushing her back a little, temporarily separating them. "Camz, what are you doing?" she panted.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Camila asked her, biting her bottom lip in the way that made Lauren want to do it for her.
"Camz," Lauren started to protest but Camila leant forward and crashed their lips together again, capturing them hungrily in her own and only stopping when she felt the taller girls' hands gently push against her stomach once more.
"Laur," Camila countered, her voice low and raspy, exactly as it had been when she'd uttered it last night whilst they'd been together, the mere sound of it making Lauren's stomach flutter and her centre throb wantonly.
"Fuck Camz," Lauren complained as her girlfriend pouted, the expression on her face causing the taller of the two to close her eyes in an attempt to rid it from her thoughts, the gesture useless because it was strangely more vivid in her own imagination then it could ever be in real life.
"You're parents are still at my house," Camila reminded Lauren, leaning forward to whisper in her ear, her breath hot against the other girls' skin, Lauren shuddered pleasurably in response to the sensation as Camila continued, smirking to herself as she murmured quietly. "They won't be home for hours yet," she informed her. "Remember, they text you..." she sucked teasingly on Lauren's neck for a moment before adding, "They're going to go and have lunch with your grandparents which means we're here...all alone..."
Camila stepped back from Lauren for a moment and reached down for the hem of her own jumper, lifting it up and over her head, her long dark hair falling back across her face messily as she threw the item of clothing on to the counter beside her.
Lauren swallowed hard, watching as Camila repeated the process with her tshirt, stripping it off quickly to leave her standing in just her bra and jeans in the kitchen, the soft flesh of her stomach and chest exposed. Lauren admired it brazenly, studying the soft curves of Camila's sides, the faint outline of her abdominal muscles, and the line of her collar bones as they protruded invitingly from her flesh.
"I'm pretty sure there should be a rule against this kind of behaviour," Lauren gulped, her eyes trailing up and down Camila's body unapologetically, absorbing every detail and committing it to memory.
"I'm pretty sure that there should no such rule about foreplay..." Camila began stepping closer to Lauren again, picking up her girlfriends' hands in her own and placing them against the contours of her stomach firmly.
"Is that what this is?" Lauren asked, her eyes moving up to stare at Camila's mouth and noting the way one corner of it quirked up into a smile.
"Sure," Camila replied knowingly, winking, "Don't you pay attention in health class?" she questioned amused, her hands now releasing Lauren's to play with the waistband of her girlfriend's jeans, her eyes never leaving the piercing green before her.
"I can't say that I remember having a class that taught me how to deal with this particular situation," Lauren answered, licking her lips as Camila pressed their hips together.
"Oh, well in that case," Camila said as she casually unbuttoned Lauren's jeans and slipped one of her hands down between the denim and the soft fabric of her underwear. "Allow me to enlighten you." She teased, moving her mouth closer to Lauren's as her hand began to softly stroke the front of her girlfriend's pelvis, making her muscles there contract painfully. "We're going upstairs," Camila told her definitively, "you've already accepted that fact."
Camila leant forward to kiss Lauren's neck.
"You're just being stubborn and playing hard to get," she continued, kissing Lauren's jaw line, "but, you'll cave eventually because you love me."
She went on smiling against the supple flesh of Lauren's lips as she kissed her again,
"and you like seeing me happy."
Camila kissed Lauren's lips more firmly this time, biting on the bottom one gently as she separated them in order to go on.
"This makes me happy," Camila told her simply, meeting Lauren's eyes meaningfully with her own, "and I'd gladly bet that it makes you happy too."
"What are the terms to this bet?" Lauren asked her eagerly, anticipating another kiss and feeling a tinge of disappointment when Camila didn't oblige, instead choosing to grin broadly in response to her question, entertained.
"If it doesn't make you happy then I'll get dressed and we'll go out," Camila said, raising her eyebrow in a challenge.
"And if it does?" Lauren questioned Camila, her mouth feeling dry as she instinctively held her breath.
"If it does make you happy then I'll get undressed and we'll go upstairs," Camila answered, her lips inches from Lauren's mouth.
"Your choice..." She finished breathily, lingering there patiently, sliding her hand back out from under Lauren's jeans and resting it on her hip, waiting.
"Those are my only options?" Lauren asked, her eyes lost in the dark chocolate depths of Camila's which were watching her, intentions obvious, her lust and desire palpable.
"Yes," Camila informed her compellingly. "It's basically a winwin situation for me whatever you decide."
"Oh," Lauren said simply. "Well, in that case..." she started, stepping forward quickly and trailing off as she forced their lips together enthusiastically, all thoughts of pretence now gone, her own yearning too much to suppress any longer.
Camila moaned as Lauren pushed her tongue in to her mouth and stepped forward dominantly, one hand reaching up to caress Camila's side, the other wrapping around the small of her back and pulling them closer together.
Lauren drew Camila's chest against her own, spinning them around quickly and forcing the smaller girl back against the kitchen counter in one swift motion. Lauren pinned Camila there with her hips, leaning her trunk forward so that there was barely any distance between them, pressing against her girlfriend powerfully, making her arch backwards over the sink. Camila sucked on Lauren's bottom lip, her hands reaching down to tug at the bottom of Lauren's top in order to pull it up over her girlfriend's head. Lauren stepped back slightly, only releasing Camila's lips long enough to oblige the removal of her clothing before she stepped forward and reconnected them again, her right hand moving to caress Camila's left flank, over her scar.
"We should go upstairs," Lauren puffed breathlessly, her chest heaving, her free hand moving up to stroke Camila's cheek lightly with the pad of her thumb.
"I don't think I can wait that long," Camila panted in return and Lauren smiled, pushing her lips against her girlfriend's gently, lingering there for a moment. "I'm so addicted to you Laur..." Camila confessed, gasping as she tried to catch her breath.
Camila knew it to be true now; Lauren was her addiction, her drug of choice. Camila's habit had started small, with simple touches and kisses, like a teenager who experiments with a spliff at a party, just testing the waters, pushing their limits. Then after they'd moved on to pleasuring each other, first after the winter formal and then again last night, Camila had finally experienced the thrill that had accompanied the act of making love, of sex, and her body was no longer satisfied with just mere touches, simple chaste kisses. Just like a drug addict who now needed harder and stronger narcotics to feed their buzz, to help them achieve their high, Camila needed Lauren, not just the touches and the kisses, not just her amazingly kind nature, her incredible personality; Camila needed all of her, every last inch.
"I love it when you call me that," Lauren shared with Camila, her hand falling to her girlfriend's side and caressing it gently.
"You do?" Camila asked, not having been aware she'd unintentionally shortened Lauren's name.
"Yes," Lauren told Camila, her other hand coming to rest on the soft skin of her girlfriend's neck. "I think I'm addicted to you too," she reassured Camila, kissing her gently on the forehead, just above her left eye. "I'm addicted to your eyes," she told her, staring in to them longingly. "I'm addicted to your lips," she continued, kissing them lightly. "I'm addicted to everything about you Camz," Lauren finished, pushing her body against Camila's once again, forcing the smaller girl back against the sink firmly as she kissed her again.
"So are we going upstairs?" Camila asked breathlessly when they'd parted once more and Lauren nodded, holding out her hand for the smaller girl to take, their fingers interlocking tightly.
Lauren didn't say anything else but turned on her heels, leading Camila smoothly into the hallway and up the stairs to her room, kicking the door closed behind her with one foot once they were both inside. Camila turned to face Lauren, who wasted no time in pushing the smaller girl backwards on to the bed, lowering herself on top of her enthusiastically.
Lauren crashed their mouths together eagerly, her tongue licking Camila's bottom lip, pleading for entrance and being granted it freely, the two of them battling for dominance in the ongoing war between them. Lauren felt Camila's hands wander up her sides searchingly and settle on the back of her bra, manipulating the clasp there as she'd done earlier, only this time, Lauren didn't stop her and Camila successfully removed the item of clothing before blindly throwing it away to the side, unwanted.
Afterwards, Camila's hands wasted no time in moving down to the top of Lauren's jeans and attempting to unbutton them too, her hands fumbling for a moment before she realised that they were already undone, herself having completed the task in the kitchen earlier.
"Here," Lauren puffed, separating their lips for a moment and reaching down to push down the top of her trousers quickly.
She connected their mouths again almost instantly, her tongue fighting once more with Camila's, her hands making their way up towards her girlfriend's bra and removing it with ease.
Lauren pressed down on top of Camila, pushing their exposed chests together and squashing the smaller girl beneath her slightly. She sucked on Camila's tongue, her hands now pulling at the jeans around Camila's waist, having unbuttoned them. Camila lifted her hips in order to assist Lauren in removing them and the taller girl pulled them down over Camila's tan legs and threw them to the floor beside the bed; her mouth never leaving her girlfriend's the entire time.
"Laur," Camila prompted, her hands struggling to rid Lauren of her jeans still. Lauren obliged Camila's incomplete plea, pulling the denim fully off her legs and tossing them on to the floor where they landed above the pair that had gone before them.
"Jesus," Lauren wheezed, her chest constricting tightly as her lungs fought for air, one hand moving up to gently massage Camila's breast, the other working lower to play teasingly with the top of her girlfriend's underwear.
"What?" Camila asked, one hand stroking Lauren's stomach soothingly, her fingertips tracing small circles across the contours of her abs.
"What's wrong?" Camila asked, her other hand cupping the side of Lauren's neck as she propped herself up on her knees slightly, her hips pressing down in to Camila's.
"Nothing," Lauren replied her eyes studying Camila's seminaked form beneath her hungrily, her hand still kneading Camila's breast, causing her girlfriend's nipple to stiffen. "Nothing's wrong," she breathed, swallowing hard. "I just, I can't believe I forgot how beautiful you are Camz," Lauren told her honestly, her eyes roaming over Camila's torso and admiring her petite waist. "It's just you're somehow even more stunning every time that I see you."
Camila smiled in response to Lauren's compliment and sat herself up slightly to bring their lips together, her hand sliding round behind Lauren's neck to pull her girlfriend back down on top of her again. She slid the hand that had been caressing Lauren's abs lower, pulling at the final piece of clothing her girlfriend donned and slithering it down lower to expose the curves of her buttocks.
Lauren wriggled out of her underwear, separating their lips once again to make the process easier. She quickly reciprocated the procedure as she removed Camila's, the fabric feeling damp to touch as she discarded them carelessly. Lauren leant back down over Camila, and sucked gently beneath the curve of her girlfriend's jaw, trailing soft, light kisses down to the base of her neck and over her collar bone, one hand working Camila's breast, the other stroking the coarse hair of Camila's pelvis, which was being lifted into her own gratifyingly in response.
Camila lifted her head slightly and moved one hand to brush across Lauren's breast nimbly, teasing her nipple for a moment as she kissed the top of Lauren's shoulder, her lips slowly progressing along her upper trapezius to her girlfriend's neck and settling just below Lauren's ear. Camila's other hand worked its way lower and found Lauren's damp centre where it began to rub delicately, eliciting a deep satisfying moan from the other girl. Lauren flexed her neck for a moment, her lips pressing against Camila's sternum as she tried to recover her senses, every nerve in her body on fire. She sucked in a lungful of air and released it slowly, trying to compose herself as she lifted her head to look at her girlfriend, finding her deep chocolate eyes, pupils dilated, watching her, always watching, always alert, always attentive.
"I wish everyone could see you the way I do," Lauren forced out between breaths. "I wish everyone appreciated your beauty and your intelligence like me."
"I don't," Camila panted as Lauren lightly kissed the scar over her sternum and moved her lips lower, to graze the space between her breasts. "I don't want anyone else to ever look at me the way you do Laur," Camila wheezed, Lauren's hand toying with her wet core now. "Only you're allowed to see me like this."
Lauren lifted her face to look at Camila and saw that she was serious, knew that she was telling the truth. Camila had literally exposed herself, both physically and emotionally for Lauren; and only for her. She was the only person Camila had allowed to see her insecurities, had permitted to read her darkest thoughts and feelings, written in all their undeniable clarity.
Camila had made herself vulnerable to Lauren, she trusted her implicitly and there was no way that she would ever do anything to break that trust, to prove it falsely given. Lauren lifted the hand that had been hovering over Camila's breast to stroke the side of her face as she leant down to kiss her girlfriend on the lips, softly, meaningfully, only deepening it when she felt Camila's tongue probe at the gap between her lips. Camila pushed her mouth against Lauren's hard as the taller girl sucked on her tongue enjoyably, her lower hand tensing slightly as she pushed against Lauren's centre with her fingers, the digits disappearing in the warmth moist between her legs. Camila dropped her head back against the bed for a moment as Lauren's breath hitched and she pushed her hips forward against her girlfriends, pushing her fingers in further. Lauren cleared her throat and closed her eyes for an instant before opening them again and sighing deeply, her fingers probing at Camila's core and getting lost there.
She lowered her mouth down to the centre of Camila's chest as her hand moved back and forth, matching the rhythm of her girlfriends. Lauren pressed gently against the scarred skin over Camila's sternum again before moving lower, until they were caressing the soft skin of her abdomen, her other hand teasing her girlfriend's nipple. Camila's free hand grazed Lauren's side momentarily before she sat herself up a little, the taller girl lifting her face to bring their lips together voraciously. Lauren smiled as Camila moaned in to her mouth and she felt that familiar tensing of her own body, starting low and then spreading higher, every muscle in her body contracting in gratification.
"Camz," Lauren gasped, her mouth separating from her girlfriends' for an instant, but only barely, the warmth of Camila's breath tickling her skin.
"Yeah," Camila puffed, her eyes closed, her own body tensing.
"I love you," Lauren exhaled as she began to shudder, finally tipping over the edge and in to the abyss.
"I know," Camila replied; her breath catching as she tried to connect their lips together again and drove her hips forward in to Lauren's. "I..." she started, beginning to tremble. "Love...you..." she forced out quivering. "Too." She finished, this time meeting Lauren's lips and kissing her affectionately, her whole body relaxing completely as she too peaked and fell back on to the bed, her energy spent.
Lauren collapsed on top of her, one hand moving to caress her cheek and the other finally reappearing to rest beside Camila's head on the bed. Lauren kissed Camila tenderly on the mouth, enjoying their closeness.
"Remind me why I was so resistant to your suggestion of coming up here again?" Lauren asked feeling completely content, her stomach fluttering at the sight of Camila's smile in response to her question.
"I already told you," Camila chuckled lightly, happiness radiating off of her. "You were always going to give in. It was just a question of how long it would take, that's all." Camila kissed her again, running her fingertips through her girlfriend's thick dark hair and brushing it out of her eyes. "For the record, I don't think it was that long."
Camila laughed and Lauren smiled; her face lighting up with the expression.
"Well you made it extremely difficult for me," Lauren told her stroking her brow. "You definitely know how to get what you want Camz," she informed her amused.
"Only from you," Camila replied mischievously. "You're like putty in my hands."
"I always have been," Lauren told her truthfully. "I think I'd do pretty much anything to make you happy."
"And what would you do to make yourself happy?" Camila asked her interestedly.
"They're the same thing," Lauren shared honestly. "My happiness is entirely connected with yours."
"You're cute," Camila said, reaching up and prodding the tip of Lauren's nose playfully.
"Only when I'm with you," Lauren finally admitted. "You bring out this side of me."
"Well, I'm glad," Camila told her, "because it's one of my favourite sides of you."
Lauren smiled and kissed Camila again, the two of them remaining entangled in each other's arms in bed, silently dozing for a while before finally, after an hour, finding the will power to get up and dressed again, the two of them having to relocate downstairs in order to retrieve the rest of their clothes. Camila had just finished pulling her sweater back on when Lauren came over to her and wrapped her arms around her body, her hands resting against the small of her girlfriends' back.
"So," she said, twisting them together on the spot slightly from side to side. "Now that we've done what you wanted..." she started playfully.
"What we wanted," Camila corrected her smiling and Lauren grinned in return, knowing it to be true.
"What we wanted," Lauren agreed, hugging Camila closer. "Can we get back to this date?"
"Sure," Camila replied happily, pushing up on to her tiptoes and kissing Lauren on the lips. "I'd really like that."
"We're kind of going to be doing it in reverse order now," Lauren noted amused.
"As long as all the main ingredients are there does it really matter what order they're used in?" Camila asked her smiling.
"I guess not," Lauren replied enjoying Camila's clever use of metaphor. "In that case, shall we go?" she asked, her hand
slipping down and finding Camila's, their fingers interlinking reflexively as her girlfriend nodded.
"Where are you taking me?" Camila asked interestedly.
"You'll see," Lauren told her, tugging gently on her girlfriends' hand and leading her to the door.
She guided her safely outside, locking the house behind her and directing Camila down the drive and into the passenger seat of her car. Lauren drove them towards town and down to the beach, Camila's favourite place, pulling up in to a secluded spot she knew where you could park up near the sand, the enormity of the ocean only a few feet away.
"You bought me to the beach," Camila said turning to look at Lauren with a broad grin on her face, her eyes bright and full of life. "I love the beach." She told her.
"I remember," Lauren laughed, turning the engine off and reaching for Camila's hand, tracing small circles on her palm for a moment before playing with her fingers out of habit. "It's where we had our first date."
"I know," Camila smiled. "I remember." She repeated Lauren's words back to her. "It was the first time I'd really talked about the accident." Camila shared with her. "That I'd opened up about it with someone other than my family or my therapist."
"That's partly why I bought you here," Lauren told her. "I wanted to talk to you...."
"Ok," Camila said uncertainly, interrupting her girlfriend. "That sounds kind of ominous when you say it like that."
"It's not I promise," Lauren said, lifting Camila's hand and kissing the back of it
reassuringly. "It's just that, I've missed talking to you so much and you gave me this amazing Christmas present with your diary...I just, we're physically closer now," she stated blushing slightly at the thought, "and I feel like I know you better because of your writing and your words, but, I want to discuss them with you. I want you to understand what I know, what I have learnt."
"Can I make one small plea first?" Camila asked, noting the time on the clock on Lauren's dashboard to be midafternoon, them having wasted away a good part of the day already.
"Anything," Lauren granted easily.
"Can we get something to eat first?" Camila asked. "I'm starving."
Lauren smiled and pointed down the beach about a few hundred yards away with her free hand, gesturing to a building, just visible in the distance.
"There's a diner just up there," Lauren informed her happily. "I know you can't go a few hours without anything to eat." She commented lightly. "You didn't think I'd let you die of hunger did you?"
"Well, I wasn't sure," Camila replied squeezing Lauren's hand quickly before reaching for the door handle with her other and opening it up, climbing out of the car, releasing her girlfriend's hand as she did so.
Lauren climbed out the drivers' door and locked the car as she walked around to find Camila's hand again, intertwining their fingers hurriedly as though the thirty seconds they'd been separated was entirely too long.
"Let's get you something to eat," Lauren said, swinging their hands gently between them as they started to make their way on to the sand, Camila kicking off her converse almost immediately to enjoy the feel of the soft, cool surface beneath her feet.
She picked up her shoes with her free hand and Lauren copied her with her own, letting her feet disappear beneath the sand, her toes wiggling in it happily as she watched the content expression on her girlfriends face before she turned to look out at the waves which were gently kissing the shore relaxingly to her right.
"One day," Camila said thoughtfully, admiring the view. "I want to own a house on the beach," she said simply. "Just so that I can wake up every morning and look out to the sea from the terrace, listen to the sound of the waves as they come rolling in, feel the fresh breeze against my face, the warm of the sun against my skin."
"One day will be today eventually," Lauren replied to Camila's musings as they started to slowly make their way along the sand towards the diner, their hands still together, "and you'll be standing on the decking, looking out at the views and I'll walk up behind you and wrap my arms around you tightly," she said wistfully. "I'll remind you of this very moment then, because you'll be grey and senile, your memory poor and all the kids will think you're a crazy old lady now but I won't, because I'll remember today and smile fondly at our youth, at how your dream became a reality, how you finally got that house and how we shared it together, making a life of our own."
"You really think about us like that?" Camila asked tentatively, meeting Lauren's gaze.
"Yes," Lauren answered truthfully, not sure whether Camila also did or if it was something that only she'd considered. "Is that weird?" she asked.
"No," Camila told her. "I don't think so." She said smiling, pulling Lauren closer in to her side by their conjoined hands.
"I like the sound of your future. It sounds like we'd be happy and together. Those are the only two things I really want. The other infinite details are irrelevant as long as those two things are true."
Lauren paused in her tracks for a moment to stop and kiss Camila on the lips briefly before starting back towards the diner.
"What was that for?" Camila asked after a moment, the small building growing larger with each step.
"I just wanted to kiss you," Lauren told her and Camila smiled again, leaning in to Lauren's side, her head resting against the taller girls shoulder as they continued their walk to the diner.
They sat there together, enjoying their meal in easy and light conversation, discussing the start of the new school year, their plans for the Taylor Swift concert that Lauren had bought for Camila as a Christmas present, Normani's difficulty with Arin which Camila was sad to learn about, and finally Dinah's constant use of their ship name, 'Camren.'
Finally, when they'd finished, they walked together back down the beach, each eating an ice cream they'd bought for the journey, the sun starting to grow lower as the afternoon passed in to evening, the wind picking up slightly, the strength of it caressing their faces softly as they made it back to where Lauren had parked her car. They sat down beside one another at the ocean's edge in the sand and finished their dessert, looking out at the glistening water's surface as it reflected the waning sunlight.
Lauren looked at Camila, who was just finishing her ice cream cone, her own having been devoured completely only moments before, and smiled at the sight of her girlfriend as she deposited the last remnants of it into her mouth, unaware of Lauren's gaze.
"What?" Camila asked eventually when she turned her head to glance at her girlfriend and noticed her staring.
"You have a little something there," Lauren said pointing to a spot just above her girlfriend's upper lip informatively.
Camila lifted a hand to wipe at the dairy there but Lauren caught it in her own and quickly leant forward, reaching up her free hand to wipe at it with her thumb, sucking on it gently afterwards briefly before connecting their lips in a chaste kiss.
"Thanks," Camila said gratefully smiling. "I don't know if I could have done that myself." She joked.
"Anything to help," Lauren went along playfully. "You know how much I hate to see you struggle."
"So," Camila said, her tone turning a little more serious. "You wanted to talk?"
"I did," Lauren said reaching in to her bag and pulling out Camila's diary, handing it to her girlfriend.
"You keep this with you?" Camila asked touched.
"Yes," Lauren answered. "Is that alright?"
"Of course," Camila told her. "I gave it to you as a gift. It's yours now. You can do what you like with it. Burn it if you want to." She joked selfeffacingly.
"I'd never burn it," Lauren said seriously. "I treasure it too much. It's one of the reasons that I keep it on me, because I want to make sure that I don't lose it. That it's safe."
"Why does it mean so much to you?" Camila asked fascinated. "It's just a collection of words, some poorly conceived notions and ideas, the incomplete ramblings of a mad person."
"You don't believe that any more than I do," Lauren responded knowingly, placing a hand on Camila's arm to let her know that she couldn't fool her, that she didn't have to pretend to be someone else because she already knew who she was and Camila couldn't hide that from her, no matter how much she might want to sometimes.
Lauren knew Camila well enough to know when she was trying to be evasive or brush something off as jesting, when she was too shy or too embarrassed to want to discuss it seriously, to be taken seriously. She knew Camila had difficulty dealing with her own emotions and this was her defence mechanism, to pass everything off as a joke and make light of the situation so she wouldn't have to experience what she was feeling, so she could go on pretending like everything was alright, content in her own denial, in keeping herself small, in hiding her intelligence.
"People think you don't understand what's going on," Lauren said, "and you let them. You pretend to be oblivious to everything, to the looks other students give you, to the feelings of your mom and dad, to your own emotions in regards to the driver that hit you, but, you're not Camz, are you?" Lauren asked rhetorically. "You're not oblivious, you're insightful and smart. You're articulate and intelligent. You know what you're feeling, you understand how people's reactions, how their words and
their constant staring affects you. You know, yet, you do nothing about it. You write about it, you acknowledge it but you don't react to it. Why is that?"
Camila didn't respond, instead glancing back out to the sea, lost in her thoughts, admiring the vista, playing with her own hands in her lap.
"Camz please don't hide from me," Lauren prompted her, worried she wouldn't answer.
"I'm not hiding," Camila said, finally turning her attention back to her girlfriend and reaching for her hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb reassuringly. "I'm just thinking."
"You do that a lot I've noticed," Lauren told her, nodding her head to the book in Camila's lap.
"I do nothing but think," Camila said honestly. "That's all I do and sometimes it gets a little bit overwhelming."
Camila paused for a moment to give Lauren a significant look, her girlfriend having been present at a number of her emotional breakdowns.
"Do you know what it's like to be trapped in your own head?" Camila asked. "To want to be able to express yourself or share something with someone else and not be able to?" she questioned. "It's frustrating, it is so frustrating." Camila said through gritted teeth, returning her attention to the sea again.
"So share it with me now," Lauren encouraged her. "Tell me now."
Camila looked back at Lauren and continued.
"Your head is the loneliest place you could ever live," Camila told her simply. "To be stuck there listening to everyone else speak and verbalise their thoughts aloud with ease, to unburden them on someone else, to seek advice and reassurance whilst you are unable to..."
"Or unwilling to?" Lauren questioned hesitantly and Camila gave her a pointed look.
"You're perceptive." Camila noted, staring out to the sea again.
"You're not nearly as good at hiding your emotions and your thoughts as you think you are," Lauren told her. "People can read you Camz; the people that know you, that really know you can anyway." She shared. "Your diary helped me understand you better, but, you're an open book sometimes and I don't always need your scrawled handwriting to understand what's locked away in your head."
"I can't react," Camila said after a moment's pause in answer to Lauren's original question, her eyes still on the water, avoiding Lauren's probing ones. "Reaction suggests a response to something; that I've dealt with and accepted it but I haven't. So I can't react. I can't do anything, I can only think and write..."
"And speak," Lauren added as Camila trailed off.
"Sometimes," Camila agreed, her hand now playing with the sand around her, her fingers manipulating it between them thoughtlessly.
"To react isn't always to have accepted something though," Lauren said after a while when Camila had divulged no more. "Sometimes people react to things without thinking, without accepting the situation. Sometimes people just...react Camz."
"People," Camila said turning her head, her eyes finding Lauren's again. "Not me."
"Why?" Lauren asked.
"You know why," Camila answered and
Lauren was surprised to find that she did.
"You're scared of yourself." She responded, lifting an eyebrow in realisation. "Of what you'll do if you just allow yourself to react and not think."
"Look what happens when I do," Camila said sadly. "Looked what happened when I did." She corrected. "I hit a teacher, I trashed my room, hurt my sister." She listed off easily. "I pushed Dinah away...I can't just react, I have to think."
"So you don't do either," Lauren stated in understanding. "You don't react, you pretend not to hear, not to see how people treat you and others are feeling and you do nothing. You don't deal with it, you just acknowledge it. Camz," Lauren said placing a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder and drawing her attention back to her once more. "You can't ever move on if you don't break this cycle somehow. How are you going to ever move past this if you refuse to deal with what happened? To address how you're feeling, how your mom is feeling, how other people perceive you..."
"Do you know how often I hear that I should just get over it? That I should put the accident behind me and try to move on?" Camila asked. "My therapist tells me I need to leave the past exactly where it is and concentrate on the future, but no one seems to understand that my past has shaped my future in to something that I never envisaged it to be."
Camila looked at Lauren again, meeting her interested eyes square on.
"How am I supposed to deal with what happened, to accept that this is who I am now when in my head I still see myself as the same person I was before the accident." Camila finally admitted. "She's still in there Lauren, the person that I used to be, she's just trapped in a body that means people can't see her anymore. Now they just see this," Camila said gesturing to herself with a hand. "They just see who she's been forced to be, who she is in the confines of a dysfunctional body."
Lauren saw the glint of tears in the corner of Camila's eyes from the way that they reflected the light and felt her own eyes sting in response.
"I see her," Lauren said simply, placing a hand under Camila's chin and lifting it up so that she'd meet her eyes, her gaze having dropped to the floor. "I've always seen her Camz," Lauren admitted.
"You're just saying that," Camila rejected.
"I'm not," Lauren reassured her. "I'm not just saying that Camz and I don't care if you believe it because I know it's true. I saw her. She was there, in the depths of your eyes the first time I looked in them." She continued. "She's been there every single day since, every single day Camz."
Camila was crying now and Lauren pulled her close against her chest, hugging her tightly.
"You're still her, you are." Lauren comforted. "I see you Camz," she said kissing her head. "I see the real you, the person that stays hidden just out of sight. I see you. I'll always see you."
"I don't want to go back to before," Camila shared through her tears as she sobbed against Lauren's chest. "I don't want to rewrite history so the accident never happened," she said, "because then I'd never have met you Lauren. I just, I want people to see me for the person that I was, not just some broken version of her who still can't tie her shoes properly, who cannot speak her name out loud if she's not slept properly."
"They'll see her," Lauren said, brushing the side of Camila's head lightly, her fingertips stroking her dark hair. "One day. Everyone will see her Camz. You weren't kept on this earth for nothing. You're meant for greatness, you're going to change someone's life one day. Then every will see you. Until then...I see you. I do. I wish that was enough."
"It is enough," Camila told her truthfully.
"It's more than enough Laur," she said, the nickname slipping out again. "I wasn't lying when I said that only you're allowed to really see me. There are parts of me that are just for you, they're not for anyone else."
"I know," Lauren reassured her, kissing her again on the forehead lightly.
"I just want to be treated like I'm not some idiot who can't string a few words together to form a coherent sentence." She shared. "I want people to see that there is more to me than the accident. If they're going to stare I want them to tell me why, to ask me about what they're wondering...not just consider it a waste of their time because I'm some retard who doesn't know or who doesn't see them."
"You're not a retard," Lauren scolded her girlfriend, "and you're not an idiot Camz."
"I feel like it sometimes," Camila admitted. "The last few weeks when I couldn't speak at all, I'd listen to myself as I tried and I can understand why people would think that I was, would assume that there was nothing going on up here," she finished, pointing to her head with her free hand.
Lauren squeezed the one she held supportively.
"Don't ever think that about yourself," Lauren said seriously. "You're one of the smartest people I know, even with all your troubles Camz."
"Sometimes I think you're my biggest fan," Camila chuckled, wiping at her eyes.
"I am your biggest fan," Lauren told her smiling.
"Do you know why I gave you my notebook?" Camila asked Lauren smiling despite her still moist eyes, her head still resting against Lauren's shoulder.
"I assume it's because you wanted me to read it." Lauren commented laughing a little.
"Well, yes," Camila admitted, her own smile returning and making Lauren's stomach flutter, "but, there were other reasons too." She said, lifting her head to look at her girlfriend. "I already told you that you hold the key to my mind," Camila reminded, one hand reaching up to play with the pendant around Lauren's neck. "That's still true because you do." Camila continued. "You are the first person I've ever felt comfortable sharing my thoughts with out loud."
"I know, I read your note," Lauren reminded her girlfriend, sensing that she was going off point.
"Right," Camila recalled. "It's just, this notebook, it was the first honest thing I'd done since the accident. The first thing that I did for myself," she shared. "Everything is in there, all my thoughts, every little feeling that I experienced, was something just for me. They were mine."
Camila paused to meet Lauren's eyes squarely.
"Now they're ours. I wanted them to be ours, something that we shared, just the two of us." Camila said and Lauren smiled. "Ok, just....bear with me a minute on the next part," Camila asked, trying to organise her thoughts. "It's like, everyone dies eventually," Camila said, "I know that and I've thought about it a lot since the accident, how one day I'll be here and then the next I might not be." She continued.
"Camz," Lauren started but Camila lifted her hand to cut her off.
"No listen, please," Camila asked and Lauren obliged, not certain where her girlfriend was going but feeling uneasy about the topic of conversation. "It's like in Harry Potter," Camila went on and Lauren furrowed her brow, now completely lost. "When Lord Voldemort is so determined to be the most powerful wizard ever that he splits his soul in order to achieve immortality." Camila explained and Lauren raised her eyebrow slightly, still not following.
"Well, I'm scared of dying," Camila admitted. "I tried it once and I've realised that it's not for me."
"Camila no one wants to die," Lauren said.
"I know," Camila replied. "That's not what I mean," she clarified. "It's just, now that I've been thinking about it, I've been wondering, what's left when we're gone? I'm just one person in three billion and I'm still relatively young. What will be left of me if I die to prove that I ever really existed in the first place?"
Camila paused for a moment and Lauren didn't interrupt, keen to see where her girlfriend was going with this.
"The answer is nothing," Camila said. "There'll be some memories in the minds
of the people that knew me, some distorted image of the person that I was from their perspective but, nothing of me, not really." Camila explained. "So, I guess that this is kind of my horcrux," Camila told Lauren, lifting up the notebook. "Hidden in these pages is a piece of my soul, left behind for anyone who cares enough to want to read it. It's not some dark magic; it doesn't diminish my humanity like in the books, but preserves it, or in my case, helps to uncover it, to restore it to me after I thought I'd lost it."
Camila gave the book back to Lauren who took it, holding it in her hand, a questioning look on her face.
"You're giving me a piece of your soul?" Lauren asked, the weight of Camila's words finally settling on her.
"I'm giving you a hard copy of something that you already have," Camila told her, "because I trust you'll keep it safe and if anything should happen to me then I know you'll remember me how I was, that you'll understand me, and keep me alive in your thoughts, in your memory..."
Camila dipped her head to look at the sand in front of her as she stroked the back of Lauren's hand with her thumb.
"You'd tell people about me one day," Camila said, "you'd share those memories with others and they'd remember them, then they'd tell someone else." Camila continued.
"That way, I could stay here with you forever, I could be immortal too, and I could make a mark in some way. I don't know, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud but it comforted me a little to know that you had it because I think that you're the only person that really truly knows the real me."
"It doesn't sound stupid," Lauren reassured her, placing the notebook back in her bag. "I promise, I'll keep it safe Camz and I'll tell everyone about you should something happen."
"You will?" Camila asked her.
"I will," Lauren promised her. "I'll never stop talking about you, about how amazing you are, how thoughtful, how kind, how beautiful. By the time I'm finished the whole world will know who you are."
"I love you," Camila told her, a small smile gracing her lips.
"I love you too," Lauren answered and she leant forward to kiss Camila against the back drop of the ocean, the waves crashing against the shore in their ears, the wind gusting strongly around them. "Thank you for sharing this with me," Lauren said gratefully, gesturing to her bag where the book was now safely stored. "You have no idea how much it means to me."
"I think I do," Camila replied, kissing Lauren again.
"Promise me you won't go anywhere just yet?" Lauren asked, meeting Camila's gaze, "because if you remember, we have a beach house to buy and an amusing stage of senility to reach."
"I'll try not to," Camila answered, knowing that it was something neither her, or Lauren, or anyone else could promise, life being such as it was.
"That's all I ask," Lauren replied, hugging Camila close and kissing her again.
"Is that all you wanted to talk about?" Camila asked as they parted.
"For now," Lauren replied contentedly, kissing Camila's forehead just above the scar over her left eyebrow.
The two of them sat together, watching the sunset over the water, Camila cuddled up against Lauren's side, the taller girls' arm wrapped protectively around her torso, the other playing mindlessly with her girlfriend's fingertips instinctively. They stayed like that for hours, until day turned to night and they could look up at the sky and admire the stars as they shone down on them brightly, their light a reassurance in the depths of the darkness surrounding them.
Lauren dropped Camila off at home later, kissing her goodnight and reminding her that she'd picked her up for school in the morning as normal. When Lauren returned home, she made her way up to the confines of her bedroom and pulled out the small notebook, opening it to the last entry she'd read and picking up where she'd left off, sitting down in her desk chair as she did so.
Lauren felt her stomach tighten in a knot as she read the date scrawled at the top of the page and recalled the day she'd confessed her true feelings for Camila, then driven off and left her, standing alone in the road, tears falling down her face.
"Lauren left.
She got in her car and drove off; leaving me alone in the road watching the horizon until she'd disappeared completely from view and possibly from my life. I don't really know what happened if I'm honest. One moment we were sat in my room, talking like we normally do and the next, she's handed me a note I'd written to her crush and she's told me that it's me, that I'm who she likes.
My brain is slow at the best of times now, slow to process, slow to understand, slow to perform any menial task, but, it must have shown because when I next look up she's gone and there's an ache in my chest that I've never felt before, like I'd just lost something precious, that I never even knew I had, possibly forever. It's strange how much it hurts, that feeling of loss, that terrifying despair. It surprised me that it exceeded any of the physical pain I'd experienced after the accident, the shooting pain in my chest and my side every time that I coughed or sat up or moved, the constant throbbing of my skull, the dull ache behind my eyes, the numbness in my hand. It exceeded all of those things combined. Some ethereal concept, some abstract possibly, some unexpected suggestion, some unknown potential, hurt me more than everything else noted above.
Something I didn't even know I could miss, that I could lose, that I'd even had to begin with. I'd mad at myself, that I didn't see it before, that I didn't recognise it. I've hurt her and now she won't answer my calls, won't pick up the phone to talk to me. Not that I could talk even if I wanted to right now. My speech is gone again and my mom is worried about me, I can tell. She wants to call the doctor, to see if it's related to the seizure, but, I don't want to see them again, at least not for a very long time.
I'm so sick of the hospital, especially because I seem to be spending so much time there this year. More than I'd planned on at least. I mean it's easy to achieve when you'd not planned on spending any there...anyway, I'm distracted again. This always fucking happens.
What was I writing about... Oh yeah, Lauren. She's not talking to me because I couldn't tell her how I feel in return. I mean, I'm not even sure I know that for myself really, everything is so fucking confusing. Am I scared of losing her as a friend or do I feel something else for her? I don't know, how the fuck does anyone know these things? I mean she's pretty, really pretty actually and her eyes are captivating, like, they're so green and vivid. She's nice to me and she looks out for me all the time. She's smart, really smart and she uses her intelligence to make solid life choices, to understand who she is and what she wants.
Now I'm thinking about kissing her again. We kissed and it was weird. I've never kissed anyone before, at least, not that I can remember. Apparently I kissed Lauren at the hospital after my seizure but, I don't remember that. If I can't remember does that mean it really happened? I mean, I don't know. I guess it really did because she remembered, but, why did I kiss her? What possessed me to do that? Either time actually? Does it mean I like her? I know that I like her; we're friends after all but, do I like her more than a friend? I think I do.
Otherwise I would have just hugged her or something today but, I wanted to kiss her. It seemed like the right thing to do and it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Now I'm not so sure it was though. She seemed upset with me when I'd done it. It made my stomach feel funny when I had though. Not in a bad way, just, in a strange way, like, it was exciting...it made me
feel like everything would be alright as long as we were kissing and then we stopped and everything wasn't alright. Everything was so fucked up. Kind of like me I suppose.
Why can't things ever be simple? Why couldn't I have just walked home from the beach that day and I don't know, not have been run over by a car? Or why couldn't Lauren have told me that she liked me as more than a friend and my voice not have thought it was a good time to fuck off? Maybe it would be nice for once to understand how you feel about other people without needing to overanalyse everything. Like, perhaps people could come with a helpful tag somewhere that read, 'friend' or 'relative' or 'love of your life.' That would be great. Maybe someone should get on that for me. I'm so clueless when it comes to reading people. I have a hard time believing that anyone would want to be my friend, yet alone, more than that. I mean, has Lauren seen me? I'm not exactly the most put together person on the planet and I have a shit load of problems that even I struggle to cope with. I don't think she knows quite what she'd be letting herself in for.
Anyway...what was my point...shit I can't remember. She's so infuriating. Why won't she answer the fucking phone? Doesn't she know you're not supposed to sleep on an argument? What if something happens? What if the other person gets hit by a fucking car and you never get to speak to them again or make things right? If something happened to Lauren now and I never got to apologise for upsetting her I don't know what I'd do.
Perhaps I should just go over there...but... it's like three in the morning. Probably isn't a good idea. Shit. I started writing her a letter but, it's not finished yet. It's hard to share things with other people. That's why I like writing here because it's personal and I know only I'll ever read it. Do you know how scary it is to put yourself out there? What if Lauren tears it up? What if she still hates me afterwards? Now I know how she must have felt, to admit it out loud. Ugh, I want to kiss her again now...perhaps I should have just hugged her, but a hug didn't seem like enough to express how I felt. No a kiss was better. It was a more accurate representation Ithink. Ilike her. Fuck. I do. I like Lauren, but, I don't like myself...why does she even like me? What does she see there? Jesus, ok...I need to write that letter, well, finish it at least. Why is this so scary? I mean it shouldn't be so daunting should it? Or should it? Fucking hell perhaps I should phone Dinah and ask her what she thinks...but I can't speak...and it's still three in the morning. She'll be asleep.
Why aren't I asleep? Oh yeah, that's right. It's because I upset Lauren and now all I seem to be able to do is think about her and that excruciating pain that just will not go away every time I imagine not seeing her again or that we'll no longer be friends. Plus, I keep thinking about that flashback I had after in front of Lauren's car and I don't know, I think I'd have a nightmare and if there's one thing I hate more than the feeling of losing Lauren, it's waking up in a cold sweat, screaming at a car that never stops no matter how many times I dream about it. No wait, the thought of losing Lauren does feel worse than that...I need to write that letter. Shit. Here it goes."
"Fucking hell Camz," Lauren laughed, reading her girlfriend's inner monologue and seeing parallels to the one she'd had when she'd first met Camila, her initial denial, followed by her subsequent acceptance.
"Eloquent as always," she chuckled, pleased in the knowledge that Camila had been just as confused by her feelings as she had, her normally articulate prose now a scattered collection of thoughts.
The incomplete ramblings of a mad person, Lauren heard in the back of her mind and she laughed for a minute at how true that statement seemed now after having read that entry. More like a piece of my girlfriend's soul, Lauren thought seriously after a while, her initial amusement soon subsiding and allowing her to see what was really on the page before her.
The love of my life's immortality.