Church: Ugh, I don't believe this.
Doc: It's true, your friend Tucker's pregnant. See? My little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.
The two were inside the Blue base.
Church: I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.
Doc: Yeah, also that.
Church: And infectious diseases.
Doc: Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference.
He charged the device.
Doc: Like this green, indicates a high level of anger stimming from suppressed feelings of inadequacies.
Church: If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.
Doc: And this green means impotency. Oops, that green causes impotency. My bad Church.
Church: Oh that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.
Doc: See? These tools can be confusing sometimes, that's why doctors have to go to school for so long. Not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you.
Church: And that's never been more apparent than with this diagnosis.
Tucker: What diagnosis?
The aqua soldier stood up with a groan.
Doc: Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.
O'Malley: *evil laughs* With bastard. *laughs again*
Tucker: It's not mine, I wasn't even in town that weekend.
Church: Tucker, don't listen to him, he's a lunatic, man. He's got no idea what he's talking about.
Doc: Uh, you want me to go over the green light thing again?
Caboose then rushed into the base holding a skull!
Caboose: Doctor, help! My second best friend is dead! Fix him.
Church: Woah woah woah, Caboose, what happened? Who's dead?
Caboose: Andy, Andy's dead. Look!
Church: Okay, that's disgusting.
Caboose: Doctor Doc, please help him.
Doc: Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him, my first aid procedures aren't very effective after decomposition.
Church: Where did you get that?
Caboose: First Tucker dies and now Andy!
Doc: Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.
Tucker: It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!
Church: Stop that.
Tucker: Hey look man, I've been saying that for a long time, it's going to take a while to get used to this.
Church: You're not pregnant!
Caboose: I was just standing outside the base and someone told me to turn around, and when I did. . . .
Church: Woah wait, who told you to turn around?
Caboose: I don't know! But they were very helpful.
Church: Annnd, let me guess, when you turned back around Andy was gone.
Caboose: Yes, he was. . . gone.
Church: *sighs* Everybody stay here, I'll be right back.
Doc: Wait! What do you want me to do about the pregnant guy?
Tucker: It's not mine.
Church: He is not pregnant!
Caboose: And what about Andy?
Church: And that's not Andy! Just look, stay here!
Tucker then groaned and fell to his knees.
Tucker: Would this be a bad time to mention that my stomach just started hurting really bad?
Doc: Oh boy. . . Caboose, better go boil some water.
Caboose: How could you think of soup at a time like this?!
*With the Reds*
Lopes and Andy were side by side on the ground.
Andy/Lopez: (Vic) Here are your orders for winning the war, eliminate the enemy. Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing and please win, thank you.
Grif: That is totally lame. . . And not surprising at all. Which is also totally, totally lame.
Simmons: I don't know about that Grif, there was actually some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?
Sarge: Simmons, have you lost your last marble? That was pure nonsense!
Simmons: Oh, that's what I meant.
Sarge: Eliminate the enemy! What kind of plan is that? I think command has lost it.
Grif: Lost it? When did they have it?
Donut: Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now.
The pink soldier spotted Church.
Grif: Hey, let's eliminate him. Then we'll have one less thing on the to-do list.
Sarge: I'm just so depressed, I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass. Jackass. . . I'll kill ya.
Donut: Nah, I don't think eliminating him will be easy. It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.
Simmons: What are you talking about Donut? The tank isn't coming out here. Look, it's not even moving.
Donut: Yes it is! Look.
Grif: Hey Sarge, cheer up, I've known command was stupid all along. It could be hard at first, but you'll get used to it.
Sarge: Just leave me alone. *cries*
Simmons: Donut, I am looking, and if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.
Donut: It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!
Simmons: What tree? There aren't any trees!
Grit: You want to call me an idiot Sarge? That always makes you feel better.
Sarge: Oh shut up moron!
Grif: Ah, feels better, right?
Sarge: Yeah, I guess a little.
Simmons: Nope, not moving.
Donut: Yes it is! See, look closer.
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
The missile hit a rock right behind them.
Simmons: Okay, you're right. It's coming this way.
Donut: Run!!!
The men ran as more tank shots hit the rock formations around them! The eventually found a small spot where they could take cover!
Sarge: Regroup men! Grif, start passing out additional ammo.
Grif: Uhhhhhh. . . .
Sarge: Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought because you knew Grif would forget.
Simmons: Already on it sir.
He was giving Donut a few mags.
Sarge: Return fire men. I'll call for reinforcements.
The sergeant turned his radio on.
Sarge: Come in command! Come in!
Vic: Hey dude, come in. Hey, what's going on? That sounds like fun.
Sarge: Vic, we need help! Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.
Simmons: Okay, how about we give them our base?
Donut: Ah, good idea. We can live in the caves!
Simmons: We can let them kill Grif!
Sarge: Simmons, you're supposed to negotiate THEIR surrender, not ours! Vic, are you still there?
Simmons then peaked over the rock.
Simmons: Hey Blues! Uh, I mean Blue! We're only going to give you once chance to surrender!
Grif and Donut then peaked up as well. Church stood beside a firing Sheila.
Church: Wha- Why would I- Hey, hold on a second Sheila.
The tank stopped firing.
Church: Why would I surrender?!
The Reds whispered. . . .
Simmons: Um, because you're outnumbered!
Church: Bullshit dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered.
More whispers ensued.
Simmons: We also think that it's your turn to surrender!
Church: We surrendered twice in a row, so it's your turn to do it twice in a row! You've only gone once!
Simmons: No-
Church: Sheila, shut him up.
She fired.
Simmons: SON OF A BITCH!
Donut: Is that a no?!
Church: Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died and our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now! So I really, REALLY, don't have time for this horseshit right now.
Grif: Uhhh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT!!!! That's impossible!
Andy: *laughs* Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him, 'cause that's what they do. They infect the host with the parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right? . . .Right?
Church: WHAT?! NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
Andy: Uhhh, I mean uh, alien baby? How could that have happened? I'm as shocked as you are.
Caboose then contacted Church.
Caboose: Come in Church, come in.
Church: Caboose! What did I tell you, man?! You're not supposed to be using the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great, now I'm on the radio too.
Caboose: Oh, that's why I'm calling to tell you, Um, the Reds already used their radio annnd O'Malley is gone.
Church: Oh my god!
The Blue leader was being driven insane.
Sarge: That's right Blue! We've called in the calvary. As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us. No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude. It's time to end this thing once and for all!
Meanwhile, Tucker had given birth.
Doc: Congratulations, it's a. . . thing. Eugh.
Baby Alien: Glug glug. Huuuuuu!
Back with Church,
Church: What was that?
Caboose: Um, that's the other thing I called about. Tucker had his gross baby.
Church: He is not PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! Sheila, stay here! If anybody moves, shot 'em!
Donut: A baby? Wait up, I want to see!
The pink soldier sped off after Church, who was heading towards the base.
Sarge: Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship!
Donut: But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is going to get here! It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, weeks, or months, or even years!
A pelican dropship suddenly fell from the sky and landed right on the pink soldier! Everyone had frozen in place. . . .
Simmons: Ship's here.
Grif: Shotgun!