Grey:
Well I was right about it being a long night. I think I may have gotten a total of three hours of sleep before I gave up. It was only 7:30 in the morning when I woke up screaming for the third time and since I didn't go to sleep until about 4:30 I figured me getting sleep was a lost cause. I dragged myself out of bed at about 8:00 and I decided to give myself the day off from running and ended up calling my parents instead. I usually called them every Sunday to give them an update on my life so they didn't worry too much about me but of course they worried about me anyway.
"Grey?" my mom asked as she answered the phone. She was probably surprised I was calling this early. I usually didn't call them until later.
"Hey mom" I greet her.
"Is everything alright?" she asked her voice filled with concern.
"Everything's fine mom" I say trying to ease her. "Sorry for calling so early. I can call back later if you are busy."
"Oh no sweetie I'm never too busy for you. What's up?"
"Not much" I say trying to think back on my week and anything important that happened. All I can think about is what happened with Hunter yesterday but I can't tell my mom that. Not because she wouldn't understand but because she would be too excited about me moving on and make a big deal out of nothing or she would be overprotective and want to meet him. I'm not even sure what is happening with Hunter and I'm definitely not ready to move on so it's best I keep anything about Hunter to myself.
"Are you sure everything's alright sweetheart?" she asks me and her voice is filled with motherly concern. Of course she can tell something is off with me. She's always been very in-tune about things like that. There was a time when I told my mother everything and she was one of my best friends but that was before the accident. Before everything changed.
"Yea everything's fine" I lie. "It was just a long night last night." I regret the words as soon as they come out but I was so overtired I didn't even really think before I spoke.
"Are you having trouble sleeping again?" she asks and I can hear the fear in her voice. Since the accident there hasn't been a day that my parents haven't worried about me and I feel terrible about that. Their lives changed that day too and I know mine will never be the same but I have tried my best to make theirs as normal as possible. My parents have no idea that I haven't been able to sleep through the night without nightmares since the accident happened. I don't have the heart to tell them so I lie and tell them I'm fine.
"Oh no mom it's not that" I lie again trying to think fast on my feet. "Sam and I went out last night and we didn't get in until pretty late so I'm just a little tired."
"Oh I'm sorry sweetie" my mom says and I sigh when I realize she believed me. "Why don't you go back to bed then and get some rest?" she asks.
"I would but I have a lot of homework to do especially with midterms coming up."
"Of course you do" she says. "Well I'm sure you are going to do great on your exams. Your father and I are so proud of you."
"Thanks mom" I say trying to hold back some tears because the pride and love I hear in her voice is getting to me. "I should go soon but how is everything with you and dad?"
"Oh your dad and I are great. We miss you and your sister of course but other than that we are good" she says and I believe her. I wouldn't put it past her to lie in order to protect me but I can tell she is telling the truth this time.
"Good I'm glad" I say. "Tell dad I said hi and that I love him."
"Of course sweetie I will" she says and I'm about to say good bye when she interrupts me. "Well before I let you get to your studying I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy you and Sam went out last night Grey. I hope you had fun"
I can tell this is her way of saying that she is happy that I'm starting to be a person again and that this is what Jason would want me to do but the truth is no one really knows what Jason would have wanted so I wish everyone would stop trying to tell me.
"I love you mom" I say. "I have to go."
"Love you too Grey." I hear her say just as I hang up.
* * *
It's around eleven when Sam comes home. I'm sitting in the living room surrounded by books studying and I'm honestly surprised that she is home this early.
"Morning" I say.
"Morning" she says.
"Hey Sam can you come here a sec?" I ask her because I want to smooth things over from last night. I don't want any weirdness between us.
"What's up?" she asks as she sits down on the couch across from me.
"Sam I'm sorry for snapping at you last night" I say not wasting anytime.
"No Grey, I'm sorry" she says and I can tell she feels horrible. "I never should have said what I said. I wasn't thinking. Please forgive me" she pleads.
"Sam" I say reaching across the coffee table so I can grab her hand. "You are already forgiven."
"Seriously?" she asks and I can see relief all over her face.
"Of course Sam" I say slightly laughing at her. "You are my family."
When I say that to her tears well up in her eyes and before I know it she is up and hugging me.
"I love you Grey" she whispers to me.
"I love you too Sam" I say back to her. "I'm surprised to see you up so early" I say as we pull away from one another.
"Ugh I could barely sleep last night I was so worried about you. I was trying to give you time and space but I couldn't take it any longer."
"I'm sorry Sam" I say because I know how much it sucks to lose sleep over something.
"No worries" she says and I can tell she is clearly over it and that everything is back to normal between us and I'm glad. "So I guess you made it home ok last night."
Before I answer her I think about whether or not I'll tell her that Hunter walked me home. Part of me feels like she is fishing for info right now but I'm not sure. I do know though that if I can talk to someone about this I can talk to Sam.
"Yea I made it home fine. Hunter walked me home actually" I say casually.
"What?!" she exclaims. "So you didn't leave right away last night?"
"No Hunter was worried about me walking home alone so I ended up waiting until he was done working but it wasn't so bad" I say trying not to make a big deal out of it.
"Oh my gosh! That is so sweet!" she exclaims again and I can tell that it is definitely a big deal to her. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.
"He was trying to be nice" I say trying to calm her down and make her realize this is not a big deal.
"So what happened?" she asks clearly ignoring my attempts to make this no big deal.
"Nothing. He walked me home and then I invited him in for a little while and then he left. That was it." Once I mention the fact that Hunter came up to the apartment I immediately regret it because I know Sam will make a big deal out of this for sure.
"Whoa back up" she says using excessive hand gestures. "He came up here with you?"
"Yes" I say quietly and suddenly I feel dirty.
"That's my girl!" she says as she throws her fist in the air. "You go Grey!"
"Nothing happened" I say but even as I say the words I know they are a lie. Something did happen I'm just not entirely sure what.
"Well of course nothing happened. Jeez Grey. You are my best friend so I do kind of know you a little. So while I know obviously nothing happened I also know that that was a huge step for you."
"It was nothing" I say still trying not to make a big deal but I know she's right. It was a big step and I was scared but Hunter made it way less scary.
"Well I'm proud of you anyway" she says as she gets up and swats my arm. "I'm going to go take a shower and then you and I are going out for brunch."
"We are?" I ask even though I know it's useless arguing with her.
"Yes so go get changed" she commands.
I laugh at her as I get up from the couch, gather my books and head to my room.
Hunter:
I couldn't really sleep last night after I left Grey's apartment. I tried but my efforts were useless. I couldn't stop thinking about how it tore me up to see her cry and how it felt to touch her. Part of me hoped it would feel wrong to touch her because then it would make it easier to leave her alone and forget about her but her skin was so soft and warm against my own and it felt the opposite of wrong. I had touched and slept with countless other girls since I lost Jess but I never actually felt anything with any of those girls. They were all just a distraction so I didn't understand how merely holding Grey's hand, caressing her cheek and wiping away her tears had made me feel everything. What was so special about this girl? And more importantly did I actually want to know the answer to that question.
After officially giving up on the concept of sleep around 7:00 am I decided to do something I haven't done in quite a while. Go for a run. I was trying to clear my head and relax but all I could think about during my run was how out of shape I am. I could barely run two miles without getting winded. I used to be able to run at least five maybe six. I needed to do something about this.
I didn't want to admit it but I know a part of me was disappointed I didn't run into Grey but then I remembered that she was most likely still sleeping. We were up pretty late last night and she was already pretty tired. When I get back to my apartment I hop in the shower and get cleaned up and I take my time. I don't usual take long showers but today the hot water seems to be extra therapeutic. By the time I get out of the shower it is 9:30 and I think about texting Grey now that I have her number but I decide against it for a variety of reasons. The first being that she is probably still sleeping, the second that she deserves a hell of a lot better than me, and the third I'm scared as hell.
In order to keep my mind busy I decide to clean up my apartment since I haven't done that since I moved in. It's about 11:30 when I hear a knock on my door. When I open it I see Daniel on the other side.
"Hey man" I say. "Come on in. What's up?"
"Oh not much" he says as he casually sits on my couch making himself comfortable. Daniel and I have known each other for a couple months now and I realized that we hardly know anything about each other. All I know is that he doesn't seem to have a problem fitting in anywhere.
"Did you need something?" I ask after a moment. Who just stops by someone's apartment and just sits on his couch not saying a word. This was especially weird for Daniel. It's not like him and I sat up late at night having deep conversation so I'm not sure what he is doing here now. I mean he's a cool guy and I appreciate that he hasn't asked me too many personal questions and helped me get the job at the bar but still this was weirding me out.
"Nope" he says and then it's radio silence again.
"Okay" I say slowly. "So you just came by to sit on my couch?"
"Ha no" he says sitting up laughing. "Man you need to relax. I was wondering how long it was going to take before you freaked out about me being here not saying a word."
So he planned this? Why?
"Come on man let's go get some food. I'm starving" he says as he gets up and slaps me on the back.
I pause for a moment not sure what to make of this situation. It would be nice to have an actual friend here but in the back of my mind I can't help but think of Kurt and how being my best friend cost him his life. I'm about to tell Daniel no but he stops me before I can.
"Earth to Hunter" he says snapping me back to reality. "You alright man?" he asks and I know he can tell from the look on his face that I probably don't look ok but I lie anyway.
"Yea man, I'm cool. Let's go" I say as I grab my jacket.
"Alright let's go then."
We leave my apartment and when I ask Daniel where we are going he says he has no clue so I think about taking him to the café where I took Grey. I figure he would like the waitress who works there and maybe she'll leave me alone.
Once I tell him about the cute waitress Daniel is in. He offers to drive since he has a car but I tell him it isn't too far of a walk because the idea of getting in a car still makes me feel sick. I'm relieved when he agrees to walking because I didn't feel like making myself seem more like a freak by having to convince him if he said no.
While we are walking to the café we are talking about all kinds of things and I'm happy when Daniel takes over the reins on the conversation and mainly talks about himself. I just hope he doesn't expect me to talk about myself in return because that's not going to happen. We are only about a minute away from the café when I see her. I can't see her face but I don't have to to know that it's her. Her hair is down in the loose curls that I love so much and she's wearing a pair of dark blue skinny jeans with black motorcycle boots and a leather jacket. It's sexy as hell. She's walking with someone who I suspect is Sam and they are talking and laughing and I'm happy they have made up. I could tell that it was killing Grey to be fighting with her. I'm thinking about whether or not I want to say hi to her or just let her be but before I can make up my mind it's like she senses I'm nearby because she stops and turns around and her eyes immediately land on me.
My heart races as I watch her face light up a little when she sees me and a part of me wants to run and keep running and never look back but I don't. I force myself to stay put. Daniel seems to be oblivious of my internal conflict and I'm relieved. He waves at the girls once he finally recognizes them and I force my feet forward.
"Hey guys!" Sam says being her usual friendly bubbly self.
"Hello ladies" Daniel says trying to be smooth and I watch as his eyes run over both Sam and Grey and I suddenly feel protective of her but I remind myself that Daniel has no idea what's been happening between Grey and I. The more I think about it the more I realize that I have no idea what's happening between Grey and I. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life and it was scaring the hell out of me.
"Hey Daniel" Grey says giving a small smile and I can tell she's nervous by the way she bites her lip and tucks her hair behind her ear. See usually I may think this was flirtatious behavior if it was any other girl but since its Grey I know that's not the case. She finally looks at me and a shy expression crosses her face and I want to tell her she doesn't have to be shy around me but I don't. "Hey Hunter" she says and then she drops her eyes back to the ground and it kills me that she can't even seem to look at me.
"Hey Grey" I say and when her eyes meet mine again I think my heart stops for a moment. I have never seen eyes that have been filled with so many different conflicting emotions. In that moment I saw the same usual unbearable sadness that is always in her eyes but I also saw relief, fear, and want. When I think about how she could possibly want me a part of me wants to tell her to run like hell and get as far away from me as possible but another part of me, a much more selfish part, wants to pull her close and be with her before she finds out what a piece of shit I really am.
"So what are you two lovely ladies up to on this fine Sunday?" Daniel asks being his usual charming self and I'm glad he's here to keep things light.
"We were just on our way to get some brunch" says Sam totally eating up what Daniel is selling.
"Well what a coincidence so are we" Daniel says breaking out into a smile. "How about you two join us?"
"We'd love to" Sam answers and Grey and I just stand there and wonder how we totally got left out of this decision. Sam and Daniel begin to walk off towards the café with one another and Grey and I eventually begin to follow.
"I see you two have made up" I say to Grey gesturing between her and Sam.
"Yea" she says smiling shyly again and tucking more hair behind her ear. "Thanks again for last night. I really appreciate everything." When she thanks me I understand that she isn't just thanking me for walking her home but she's thanking me for being there for her when she broke down.
"No problem Grey" I say trying not to make it a big deal even though I know it was. I can't speak for her but I know it was definitely a big deal for me. I haven't wanted to be there for anyone the way I wanted to be there for her last night in a long time. Not since I lost Jess and I realize that even when I was with Jess we never had moments like Grey and I did last night. It's not because we didn't love each other because I know I will love her until my last breath, it's because Jess was never as sad and tortured as Grey is. Jess was a bright and happy person always living for the moment so I never really saw her in times of despair. Of course I was there for her whenever she was sad but something tells me that Grey is grieving in a way Jess never did. In a way that I will always be.
We walk together the rest of the way to the café in silence and as usual I enjoy the peace I feel around Grey during our moments of silence. I watch her though and notice how uncomfortable she is. She keeps fidgeting with her hair and her sleeves and I wonder if I did something to upset her or if this has to do with last night. I think about asking her if she is ok but I decide against it because I know she would most likely lie. Not because she is a dishonest person but because she feels like she is being polite by not burdening anyone with the truth. I can tell that it is something she likes to carry all on her own. I know because I do the same thing.
Grey:
Sam and Daniel are walking ahead of Hunter and I and they are totally engrossed in whatever they are talking about and I feel anger flare up inside me because I'm mad that Sam left me alone with Hunter. I know it's only because she has this idea in her head that I like him and that he likes me so she thinks she should play matchmaker but that isn't the case here. I am no longer capable of those types of emotions. I'm too broken and Hunter, well he probably just feels sorry for me. I know how I appear to most people. Lonely, broken, sad, defeated. He is probably taking pity on me.
As we walk I don't feel the usual calm that I feel when I am around him. Instead, I feel alert of all of my flaws, like the scar on my wrist, so I am constantly pulling on my sleeve to make sure he doesn't see. I also feel exposed since he saw me cry last night so I keep fiddling with my hair trying to create a barrier between us but it doesn't work.
We walk into the café and the same waitress who served me and Hunter is here and her face lights up when she sees Hunter walk in but then that light expression is replaced by a scowl when she sees me standing next to him. She seats us and says she'll be right back to take our drink orders.
Sam and Daniel are still prattling on about god knows what because I haven't been listening. I'm too tense to pay attention. I'm happy however, that Sam had the decency to sit next to me so I didn't have to sit next to Hunter, but the longer I sit with him across from me the more I wish I wasn't. I can occasionally feel his eyes on me and I feel naked, like he can see every damaged part of me and I feel dirty and ashamed.
When the waitress comes back I order coffee. I already had some this morning but I want more even though I probably don't need it. I'm already so wound up but I want to be awake for as long as possible today because I'm terrified of what my dreams will be like tonight. I'm jiggling my leg under the table and I hope no one notices. It doesn't seem like Sam or Daniel do and I think I have Hunter fooled as well until I suddenly feel his legs enclosing mine under the table. He doesn't do it roughly and I surprisingly don't scream. His touch as usual is gentle like he is afraid the slightest touch could destroy me and I know it is because he can tell I'm broken. The thought makes me want to brush him off but the longer I feel his legs around mine the calmer I feel. I finally look him in the eye and he casually mouths the word relax to me. No one else notices and I'm thankful. I offer him a small smile and he returns the gesture. When he looks at me now I see that he isn't looking at me like I'm broken or damaged he is looking at me like I am just a girl sitting in a café with friends. Like I'm normal and I'm grateful for it. I wasn't ready for him to look at me the way everyone else does. I wasn't ready to lose that just yet.