TW // suicidal thoughts and panic attack (uh ohhh lol)
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My body ached under the dim lights in the moody apartment. My head throbbed, my nose bled, my entire body ached, and yet it still wasn't enough to hide the pain that, although I couldn't physically feel, still had me wrapped in a chokehold I couldn't escape.
I sat curled up on my cot, Techno staring darts at me from Sapnap's bed across from me. Blood dripped down my face and onto my black Specialty uniform. Bringing my finger up and touching it, the bright red liquid illuminated under the minimal light. It was proof that I was alive and that everything that just happened actually happened. It wasn't some sick nightmare I found myself in.
Wilbur appeared from the bathroom with a wad of toilet paper and handed it to me. "Pinch the bridge of your nose for five minutes with this. It should stop the bleeding." I took the paper and did as he told, pinching the bridge my nose with the toilet paper.
He sat next to Techno, both of them staring at me as if I'd be the one to start the conversation.
Wilbur caught on quickly. "Dream—"
"No," Techno abruptly cut him off. "Wilbur, you have talked to him enough. You know, my students don't act like this. They don't break the law and pick fights."
"Yes, but my students are at the top of the Specialty. Dream's at the very top overall last time I checked," Wilbur said. "Let me talk to him now and we can discuss a punishment when we're done. For now, you can go check on Fundy. He's in his apartment."
"Fundy's not the one I need to talk to."
"Dream is not going to talk with you around. He's more open with me than he is with you."
They both simultaneously looked at me. Talking alone with Wilbur was the second to last thing I wanted to do, the first being getting yelled at by Techno. So I reluctantly nodded, and Techno got up, grumbling as he did so.
"Grab me when he tells you everything."
Wilbur nodded, "Will do."
Techno left with a slam of the door, and I sank in my seat.
"Alright, Clay, what's wrong?" Wilbur asked as soon as we were alone.
"Have you not been paying attention?" I retorted.
He sighed, and I could tell he was not in the mood for my smart remarks. "I'm going to need you to cooperate with me, okay? Just for tonight. You can slander me with your friends later. What's wrong?"
It was a brave assumption that he thought he was the one my friends slandered. Everyone I knew talked so highly of him. Fundy saw him as a father figure, Sapnap saw him as a close friend, Tommy and Tubbo saw him like an older brother. I was the messed up one. I saw Wilbur for who he was: a cold hearted killer.
"One of my closest friends just stabbed me in the back and beat me."
"Yes, but why did you pick the fight?"
"Because I trusted him with everything I had left and he betrayed me."
Wilbur frowned as he observed me. "To be fair, Clay, you broke the law. Now, I'd be able to let you off with a warning if you had just befriended a random Common, but you took romantic advances with your target."
"We're not together," I corrected, my heart stinging as I said so.
"Either way, Fundy claims you kissed him. Kissing is illegal with commons and you know that. And that actually segway's into my next thing: You're not acting like yourself. Techno's right. You don't usually pick fights let alone break the law. What happened?"
"I'm sick of living here, Wilbur."
"Why? You are doing so well here."
"Because I never wanted to live here in the first place. Matter of fact, there are some days I wish I didn't live here or anywhere else at all."
I was surprised with how taken back he was at what I had just said. Did he really have no idea? "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Like it wasn't obvious enough?" My eyes stung and it took everything within me to not let go. I pinched the bridge of my nose harder than necessary.
"I would've tried to help you."
I scoffed at that. It was almost laughable. "Then why didn't you?"
"I didn't think there was anything wrong."
"Bullshit!" I snapped, pushing myself off my bed. "You are fucking bullshitting me right now. Of course there was something wrong! There is always something wrong. You killed my entire fucking family right in front of me and you have the guts to tell me you didn't think anything was wrong?"
"Every year I ask you if you need to talk about it and you always decline," Wilbur said, beginning to get defensive.
"Because how am I supposed to talk to you when every time I look into your eyes, I see the man who killed my family?" I sat back down and grabbed at my hair. "And yet you put the gun down for me. Why the fuck did you put the gun down?"
"Because I saw potential in you. Instead of running, you fought head-on despite it being a losing battle," Wilbur said. "And you were only ten. Most people don't gain that kind of bravery their whole lives."
"Why me? My sister wasn't much older than me and was already an infinitely better person than I will ever be. She hid me in a cabinet when she heard you coming. Had she lived, she wouldn't have been a mess. She would have moved on like a normal person would. But no. You shot her five times in the chest. One time was enough, Wilbur." My throat tightened, and I found it harder to push words out. "Sometimes I wish you pulled the trigger on me."
He ran a hand through his curly brunette hair, and his frown deepened. "I don't. You have a good heart. I've seen it so many times. We need people like you, Clay. You're the type of person who could make a real difference around here."
"I don't want to make a difference. Not if I have to suffer every single day of my life to achieve it."
Every time Wilbur fell silent, the light taunting of my heart took his place. My blood boiled. All I wanted was for it to stop. I'd tear through the floorboards if that meant it'd stop.
"Your parents would have been so proud of you, Clay," He said.
"Don't you pull that card on me," I snapped. "You never knew them."
"Yes, I did. You know, it wasn't always just me and Techno. Your parents worked with us too. They made executive decisions with us. They were my friends, Clay. I never wanted to kill them let alone their children."
The lump in my throat swelled even more. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. My shield of anger slipped from my grasp far too soon, and everything raw underneath came out.
"Then why did you?" I asked quietly. The blood pounded in my ears. I lowered my shaky hand from my nose. It was still bleeding.
"The same reason you had to kill the common. It's a part of the job, Clay. You are going to have to make sacrifices. That's just how it works."
"No," I shook my head. "No, it doesn't make any fucking sense. Why does it have to be part of the job? You make the rules. If you didn't want to kill them, you shouldn't have."
"That's why you're still alive. You were supposed to die with the rest of them, but I spared your life."
He looked into my eyes, and it knocked the wind right out of me. He said, "Look, I never wanted you to feel this way, Clay. I wanted you to feel like you had a new home here. I wanted you to feel like you were surrounded by a whole new group of brothers and sisters. I know I took everything you had away from you, and I've spent years trying to make it up to you."
"You can never make it up. Not when every time I look at you, I think back to the first time we met." I started pacing the room again. Deep breaths, I told myself. Sweat beaded against my forehead as I forced myself to remain calm. My hands clenched and trembled. I was not about to lose my mind now. Not in front of Wilbur.
My first thought was George, and my second was Sapnap. After that, all my thoughts seemed to mold together and were left undistinguishable.
I avoided his eye, but I kept feeling his stare. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up, and my heart thumped so hard I thought it'd stop all together, and that only made my heart pound even faster.
"Clay, are you okay?" Asked Wilbur, although I barely heard him.
I retreated to the door, but I couldn't bring myself to open it. I didn't even want to begin to think about what was behind that door. What if I ran straight into the arms of death? I could already sense it. I could feel death's presence through the door.
I threw my back against the door and sank down to the ground. I couldn't feel my hands anymore. Wilbur ran up to me, and I recognized the look in his eye. The sense of uncertainty. Worry. Second-thoughts. He should have pulled the trigger.
The screaming came back. Just when I thought I'd heard the last of it. Gunshot. I couldn't decipher whether it was real or not anymore. Another gunshot. I was slipping. Gunshot. Breathing became a strenuous task, and the room began to spin as I shut my eyes.
Two more gunshots. I stood up, rushing out of the room with my new found energy, slamming the door behind me. I didn't realize how close Sapnap was until I ran right into him.
I pushed him away, and he saw how badly I was trembling.
"Oh shit," He mumbled. He grabbed my wrist and attempted to drag me into Bad and Skeppy's empty apartment. I pulled the opposite direction.
"No, I don't want to go back in," I practically begged, squirming my way out of Sapnap's grasp as hot tears raced down my face.
"Dude, what happened in there?" He grabbed my shoulders.
"I'm going to die," I managed to choke out.
His eyes widened. "Did Wilbur say that?"
"No, no, I-I can feel it."
"No, Dream, you're panicking again," Sapnap said. "You're fine. Techno and Wilbur aren't going to kill you, okay? You're safe."
I wanted to believe him, yet I couldn't bring myself to. Although they never said they would, they never said they wouldn't either.
"I don't know, Sap," I trembled. "I fucked up. I fucked up so bad."
"Okay, let's not think about that," Sapnap whispered softly. "Look at me. Just breathe. You are fine. Think about... think about poetry boy."
"No, I can't," I mumbled.
"Why not?"
I didn't reply, and he moved on.
"Okay, don't think of George himself. Take a deep breath. Think about how he makes you feel. You look so happy with him."
"He read me poetry," I whispered.
He chuckled softly, "He read you poetry. He gave you poetry, too. Do you still have them on you?"
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it.
"'Hope' is the thing with feathers," Sapnap read, scanning the page. "What does that mean? Clay?"
"Um." My throat was dry, and I could barely speak let alone explain an entire poem. I could barely remember what it meant. Each passing thought seemed to zoom into my head and right back out. "I-I don't know."
"Alright, can you read it?"
I glanced down at the paper. I could barely make out George's blue illegible handwriting. I squinted and brought the paper closer to my face.
"Hope is the thing with feathers," I started, taking a deep breath. "That perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without the words." This was George's favorite poem. I still remembered the day we first read it vividly. I was exhausted and just wanted to listen to his voice sing to me. At this point it was just a memory, but I held in my hands a small archive. That although it was over, it wasn't gone.
"Keep going," Sapnap urged me.
I read through the rest of the poem, running my trembling hand through my sweaty hair. Each line I read reminded me of another moment with George. The way I'd always catch him humming, even when he didn't realize what he was doing. How he didn't need to know what was wrong with me to somehow make me feel better. How he told me the bird came back.
By the time I had finished reading the final lines of the poem, I had finally caught the breath I had been searching for, and I took it in like I hadn't breathed in years.
"Well?" He said. "How do you feel?"
"Better," I spoke softly, although still shaken to my core.
He sighed in relief, "What happened? What did Wilbur say to you?"
"Nothing," I brushed off, not wanting to relive what just happened. I still felt it, though. The chills through my spine, and the hot flashes throughout my body. It still felt like someone was staring at me, but when I scanned the area, the only person in the hallway was Sapnap.
That was until a door down the hall opened, and my heart picked right back up. However, it was just Tommy and Tubbo who came out, and they looked like they had their childlike spirit taken from behind their eyes.
"Big Man," Tommy said, walking over to me and Sapnap. For once he was calm. No snarky remarks, no laughing like a total banshee. He didn't even have a smile plastered on his face.
"Hey," Sapnap said. "How's Fundy doing?"
"Oh Dream beat the crap out of him," Tubbo said. He was always relatively calmer than Tommy, but he looked just as struck with some kind of grief. "He's all bruised up, got a black eye, busted lip, a few cuts from the glass cups you guys broke when Dream threw him onto the table."
Sapnap smirked, "It's what that little shit deserves."
They both chuckled softly, and Tubbo said, "Yeah, I guess. You guys didn't tell us Dream's boyfriend was the same guy who stole the files."
"He's not my boyfriend," I sighed.
"Big Man, you look like total shit," Tommy said as he looked at my bloody nose and bloodshot eyes.
"Thanks, I feel like it too." I wiped the tears off my face.
"Oh." He gazed down at the floor.
"What's wrong? Tonight's you guys' graduation. Go downstairs and enjoy it. Leave all this to me and Sapnap."
"Well, the thing is, we can't," Tubbo said.
"What do you mean?"
The two glanced at each other, and Tubbo said, "Techno just gave us our first mission."
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Elloooo
It's so weird that I'm publishing this chapter. I'm actually a little nervous :S I'm not used to writing unhinged angst lol. Well, I am, but not posting it. This is like the kind of stuff I'm used to writing and keeping to myself due to fear of judgement lol So be nice please!!
Also I'm not romanticizing anything am I??? I've always been scared I'd accidentally romanticize something lol I mean... The poor boy's suffering man idk if anyone would wanna be in his position lol but I could be wrong! If I romanticize anything plz let me know! The only thing that should be romanticized in this story are the romance arcs lol
Sweet well that's all I wanted to say. Just a head's up, I have writer's block this week so idk if the next chapter will come out on Sunday next week lol but we'll see! Either way, I'll see you sometime next week even if it's not Sunday or Monday! See ya there :D