I feel like I'm kinda ruining this story so I'm sorry lol
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Chuuya's pov
it's been six days.
Six days since Dazai went in a coma. With every hour his chances of ever waking up are getting slimmer and slimmer. I can sense doctor's sad smiles and nerves all around me.
They gave up on trying to get me out of Dazai’s room, so they're observing me from a far, but due to almost hopeless situation, most of them are soft with me.
Nurses passing by started giving me food and trying to talk to me, but I always turn them down immediately. My sight is only focused on Dazai’s bed, his breathing and any movement he might make. His fingertip, his face muscle, a cough, a yawn, anything. I just need a sign, I need to know I won't be the one cutting off his life.
Though it is annoying, it's still a little comforting that I'm almost always accompanied with someone from the Armed detective agency. Kunikida usually comes after lunch, Atsushi in the evening, Ranpo and Fukuzawa stayed through the whole first day, but I haven't seen them since. Yosano came twice, and actually was nicer than I expected. Maybe they all care about Dazai, I just didn't see that earlier.
However, when the ADA got a call in the middle of the night, saying Dazai is on the brink of death, most of them laughed it off. I was the one to call them, and it made me mad. how can they say that, if he's seriously battling for his survival?
Kenji and Tanizaki were the first ones to arrive. they both ignored the fact that my clothes and face was bloody, they were too worried to care. If- when Dazai wakes up, I will make sure to say that those two are hella reliable.
Atsushi is probably just clumsy, I heard he got into a car accident while trying to get to the hospital as fast as he could. Kyoka was in the car too, she had a concussion after that, so Atsushi only came in the afternoon.
I was able to talk to them all, more or less anyway. When they heard I was the one to attack Dazai, their view about me changed. Even Kenji avoided my presence, and it made me feel more down than I already was.
I knew it. I knew it all, how stupid and reckless I've been. I tried to convince myself that I was doing the right thing, but I was only trying to avoid the dillema. I searched for the easiest way out, I acted on a habit, mindlessly following orders. that's my weakness -loyalty. I was too loyal to Port Mafia, I stopped questioning my own morals and behaviour, anything Mori said was law to me.
I guess I'm taking the first step. I managed to stop myself, but at what cost? he's almost dead, if you can say that. Dazai might never wake up, and my loyalty will get the best of me.
After all this time, I now manage to think about this more calmly, or maybe I learnt to push away that dark fear, creeping behind me.
He will wake up. that bastard is too strong to die from my hesitant blow, I know it, he won't lose to me.
right?..
***
- Sir, do you want a portion?- young nurse approached me.
- sure,- I weakly nodded and took a bowl of soup from her.
it was late evening, she probably had an extra plate, so the nurse visited me. She was one of the nicer staff, I think she pitied me.
Of course, a man who stays in the same hospital room for a week does look hopeless and desperate. I only came home twice, to change clothes and shower, however it was only for an hour.
overall, I just slept on the uncomfortable chair or the floor, honestly I have no idea how they're allowing me to stay, it must go against their rules. Well, if I needed to, I would fight with my teeth and nails, just to stay in this room, as close to Dazai as possible.
I was still wondering what I will say to him. it's prolly too late to apologise, and I have no idea what I would want to say. it's stupid, it really is.
- hello, Chuuya!- a figure appeared on the doorstep.
- Atsushi,- I greeted him with one hand, the other was holding the soup bowl.
- any news?- he glanced at me with hope shining in his grey eyes.
instead of answering, I just lowered my head and continued to eat. these kinds of conversations were usual routine for both of us. Atsushi was the least annoying of them all, or from his side you could say that he tamed me. I was nice to him, he was nice to me. We never went too far, didn't break eachothers bubble, or showed any real concern, that's why I liked him.
- Say, Chuuya, do you need something? I can go get you anything,- Atsushi offered.
- no, no, it's fine,- I turned him down.- what color are they now?
- this time I got yellow! I heard it's a color of hope and luck,- Atsushi took out a bouquet of flowers, all vibrant yellow.
- oh, that's great. exactly what that bastard needs,- I smiled and pointed at the empty vase.- I already took the old ones out.
- thanks!- he carefully placed those new flowers and stepped back, admiring how they instantly made the room livelier.
I never said it out loud, but Atsushi's flowers really did make the atmosphere a little brigher. He would get new ones every other day, so I learnt the patter quickly. I saw it in his eyes, he fully believed in Dazai, Atsushi knew he was going to get up eventually, no matter how long it takes. In return of that, he wanted to show determination by bringing him new flowers, it was truly admirable.
- Atsushi, how are you holding up at the agency?- I broke the silence, trying to be nice, but my voice came out a little too emotionless and forced, well, in truth it was.
- we will be fine,- Atsushi raised his eyes from Dazai to me.- but... isn't the mafia going to chase after you or something?
there it was. He broke my bubble, he asked a question I never wanted to be asked, nor answer.
- heh, they might,- I avoided his gaze.- I didn't contact any of them for this whole week, it's about time Mori gets concerned.
- only now?..- Atsushi raised his eyebrows in surprise.- if any of us is gone for a day, we instantly guess that they're kidnapped!
- that's because we always kidnap you,- I smiled.- it's different with me. Mori believes in my loyalty, his trust is not to be broken this easily.
- so where does your loyalty lies?- Atsushi calmly asked, with his eyes creepily empty.
- there's no coming back now,- I halfly dodged his question, more to assure myself than him.
He nodded and silently stayed for a little bit longer, both of us had something to think about.
the truth was, I did contact Kouyou once, three days after the accident. I texted I was fine and she doesn't need to worry, in order to delay their assumptions, and to actually stop Kouyou's worrying.
***
I faced the window and leaned against the wall, turning away from Dazai’s bed. it was a cloudy night on the other side of the glass. The moon was hiding and the darkness consumed the world.
at first it was uncomfortable to sleep on the floor, but now I was used to it. I placed my back better and closed my eyes, another day went by.
- You know, chairs exist for a reason,- a weak, grumpy voice called behind me.
I couldn't tell if it was right at the moment, or a few hours has passed since I closed my eyes. The shock devoured me fully, I froze afraid to turn around, fearing it's my imagination.
- I haven't turn into a ghost yet!- Dazai’s voice raised a little, but I could hear him trying to force his pain inside.
- D-Dazai?!- I quickly got up and jumped towards his bed in less than a second, afraid to touch him, what if he shatters like a thin ice?
- here you are, Chuuya,- Dazai smiled, or at least I thought he did.- I missed seeing your annoying face, your voice alone sometimes gets unbearable.
- what? what are you talking about?- my eyes ran around his face, trying to see anything in complete dark.
- in some cases, patients can hear in coma,- Dazai repeated the words of a doctor that visited him a few days ago, when I couldn't stop asking about the details of his condition.
- so... you heard everything?- I felt a spear hit my chest. I talked to him the first three days, it was my way of coping with the incident.
- yup, I didn't think you would care as much,- Dazai tried to move his hand, but it only flinched.- you surprised me.
- yeah,- I lowered my eyes, not knowing what to say now.
- don't apologise,- Dazai stopped me at the moment I opened my mouth.- you talked about that so much, I can visualise all the circumstances so well, it's annoying.
- uh, right,- I remembered how I went through my conversation with Mori three times, trying to explain myself to his then lifeless body.- wait, how are you feeling?
- I was in coma for a week, what do you think, genius?- as bitter as ever, Dazai replied.
- you never catch a break, huh?- I smirked.
- well, I heard your whining voice for a while, I have to get back somehow,- Dazai smiled, but he haven't tried to move at all, like something was still stopping him.
- Wait, Dazai, can you feel your body?- I brushed off his last sentence.
- uh...- his face suddenly dropped.- I... I feel my upper body and I can feel something in my legs but it's... stiff and I can't control it!
He tried to mask it, but I saw a hunch of fear and frustration clash in his expression. as always, endure your pain alone, huh?
- you'll be fine!- I tied to encourage him, but my voice was hesitant.- if you can feel it, it will get better!
- playing doctor now, Chu Chu?- he rolled his eyes.- well, you sure piled your questions at them.
- I always knew you would get up, the only question was when,- I glanced at him, and a sparkle in his eyes made his expression readable even in the dark.- you're way too strong and annoying to lose to me.
- that's right, finally acknowledging me, huh?- Dazai took on a challenge to raise his hand, and managed to put it on Chuuya's shoulder.- Now, I want to celebrate my waking!
Dazai announced it like it was the new year's or a marriage proposal, that you can't decline.
- huh?
- Get me outside, Chuuya!- he even put on a commanding tone, in this physical state.
- outside?! are you an idiot?- I raised my voice, there's no way that was smart idea.
- you just noticed? Anyway, Chuuya, don't you think you owe me something after brutally murdering me?...
- I didn't murdered you fully!- I tried to defend myself, but that bastard always knew where to hit.- So, you're planning to walk on your hands?
- there's no need for me to move at all! we're in a hospital, so get me a wheelchair,- Dazai pointed at the wall, where on the other side was a wide corridor.
- where would I get that?!
Dazai shrugged his shoulders, mentally challenging me. I would oppose him more, but now it didn't seem as that bad of an idea. He looked quite fine, and I could easily sneak him in and out, nobody would even notice. Maybe it's worth a shot, I truly owe him more than that anyway.
I found a wheelchair easier that expected. I know I probably stole it from some old man, but the nurses could always get a new one. it was a basic, cheap, all black wheelchair.
- here,- I quietly closed the doors and showed my finding to the brunette.
- now help me!- he pulled out his hands towards me, like a kid, but something in this motion painfully hit my whole body. it was like an extremely sorrow sensation.
not just sad, it was like I just lost something precious to me. I quietly picked up Dazai and sat him down in the wheelchair.
Truly, I knew what that feeling was. Dazai was helpless, he couldn't even sit without my help, he can't walk, can't stand, can't even control his arms at all times. I took this from him, and who knew when it will get back?
He appeared rather optimistic and sarcastic as ever, but from all our time together, this act didn't fool me anymore. He was hurting, but he protected me from hurting as well.
why does he always do that? he tries to not disturb anyone, even though he knows what causes the most pain. He could make even a stranger cry, but he always holds back. It would be expected from any other person, but for Dazai it was quite strange.
However, I didn't question him yet. I knew how to get outside easily, I've done it a lot this past week.
We were on the second floor, but at the end of the hall there was a door that leaded directly outside, due to a small hill there. Even more, it was a direct path to the gates, that were invisible from the front of a hospital.
Both of us quietly made it and I closed those gates behind me. I gave Dazai my coat, but other than that he was only wearing a hospital gown and slippers. It was a warm night, but I couldn't risk his weak immune sistem.
- we will go back in a few minutes,- I stated and pushed the wheelchait in front of me.
there it was, that sensation again. It was almost certain that Dazai didn't change much mentally, but physically, he was entirely different. Even if I didn't want to, I always viewed him as a rival, and now it was like I won.
I was pushing a weak guy in the wheelchair, his body was thin and his lips chapped. His brown eyes seemed dull and empty, his hair was swinging at the smallest hunch of the wind, messing in his face. It was the same man that could battle me on the equal footing, he could confidently threaten me, I even feared him sometimes. How is it, that I only now realise how precious he was to me?
His constant threats and fights forced me to get better, to keep going. His words were bitter, but we understood each other. He trusted me. I trusted him.
At first, I thought he broke our trust by leaving, but didn't I do worse? We became friends, I could feel it. A warm sensation in my heart, whenever he was around me. I no longer felt the urge to always beat him, to be better. As much as it was sudden, it was enjoyable aswell.
And I shattered it. My instincts and habits destroyed whatever hope there was for us. Now, Dazai was only a remain of who he used to be. He was gazing at the dark sky, without a thought in his mind. I was steadily pushing the wheelchair, but with every step my legs grew heavier.
He should be able to do this on his own! he shouldn't relay on me, to do things as simple as walking!
He looks like a skeleton now. In a week, he changed from powerful and inevitable, to a thin, hopeless human.
- I know you're feeling it now,- Dazai calmly said, pulling me out of my desperate thoughts.- it's true, you did this to me.
I didn't respond, his words were as cruel as ever, but indeed true. I stopped the wheelchair. we were in a rather small street, on a pavement. There wasn't anything special about this spot, but it felt like everything else has dissappeared.
- In this week I thought about a lot of things,- Dazai sighed.- Actually, that day at the bar, I was going to apologise to you. I was planning to make us real friends, again.
My hands fell to the sides, and my eyes widened. There are things you can never forget, this is definitely gonna be one of those.
- However,- Dazai managed to turn the wheelchair around on his own, since my hands didn't work.- I don't blame you.
- what?..- I lowered my head, not believing what he just said. He was sitting very close to me and looking down like this was weird, so I kneeled in front oh him.- how could you forgive me this?.. how can you?..
- I was never mad at you, Chuuya,- He stared at me confidently, while I was at loss of words.- I know you better than anyone, it's not surprising you tried to kill me. when I said I trust your judgement, I meant it. You made a decision, and that's okay. that's okay, Chuuya.
I lifted my eyes and met his, somehow even now his presence was stronger than mine. I always crumbled whenever the situation got too emotional, now was not an excuse.
- Chuuya...- Dazai weakly touched my cheek, our faces were at the same level now.- I still trust you.
- I... I trust you too,- I lowered my eyes again.- I was always loyal to you, Dazai, you should've know it.
- I did,- he smiled.- remember, how I said I was thinking about a lot of things, when I was in that coma?
- yeah,- I answered and felt his fingertips dig a little bit in my skin.
- The moon is beautiful, isn't it?
- what? the moon isn't out today, what, are you hallucinating?- I instantly frowned ant backed away, but for a second I thought I saw him leaning closer to my face.
- eh, Chuuya, you're literally impossible!- Dazai sighed and threw his head back.- you really didn't understand?
- what?! if you're really hallucinating, we're heading back to the hospital immediately!- I put one hand on my hip and closely inspected Dazai and his very weird behaviour.
- I'm not hallucinating!- He angrily spat out.-you're just an idiot and now you ruined my mood!
- what the hell are you talking about?!- his attitude really threw me off. I guess I was wrong about his mentality staying the same.
- Nothing, but let's get back,- he muttered and we were silent for the rest of the time.
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if the end was confusing, here's a link to understand what Dazai just said:
https://www.tsuki.world/world/the-moon-is-beautiful-isnt-it#:~:text=%E6%9C%88%E3%81%8C%E7%B6%BA%E9%BA%97%E3%81%A7%E3%81%99%E3%81%AD,of%20saying%20I%20love%20you.