"Love is melody
하루 온종일 나누고 싶어
(I want to share it with you all day long)"
BAEKHYUN- Love Scene
Cover: Seungmin (Stray Kids)
HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!
tw // panic attack, in the second part, there's a second warning when it starts (Tried to research it but if it feels ungenuine for someone with experience, please let me know so I can improve it)
-----
Despite sleeping in separate rooms, Dazai still felt that his bed was cold without Chuuya in the apartment. He supposed it was the lack of that warm feeling of Chuuya's affirmed well being. This man had become an essential part of his daily life in a matter of months.
Dazai never knew a knock could sound so hesitant before he heard the quiet sound of knuckles hitting against the door. It was quiet and unsure. It had to be Chuuya. Dazai sprung up and sprinted to the door. With a tight grip on the doorknob, he froze. What was he going to say to Chuuya? What should he say? He brushed these thoughts to the side. He would just go with the flow and do what feels right.
The door opened the view to a familiar face. To comforting eyes filled with sorrow and regret. To soft skin and plump lips and the ginger hair that beautifully framed those delicate yet in a way sharp features. And most of all, to home, to Chuuya. The morning sun caressed Chuuya's cheeks and highlighted his jawbones. It was a sight to behold. It was like looking at a painting, a masterpiece.
When had he gotten so cliché?
Dazai's hand reached out for Chuuya's before he could even stop himself. He gently stroke the back of Chuuya's palm with his thumb. His shaky mouth curved up and he hesitantly looked into the ocean eyes before him. Gazing into those pretty orbs that shone like pearls, he felt this was where he was meant to be. "I'm sorry," Dazai said softly. "Let me take you out like I already should have." He pressed a kiss against Chuuya's palm. The skin was just as silky as it looked.
"About time. Can we go inside? I'm cold", Chuuya couldn't hold back his sheepy grin.
Dazai nodded. "Yeah, let's go inside, it's freezing here."
It was only in the warmth of their apartment that Dazai realised he had no idea how to take someone out. In a murderous way, maybe. But on a date, no. Where did people usually go on dates? Cafes? Or would that be too predictable? He had certainly dug his own grave when he agreed to leave in two hours.
After a full hour of researching the topic, Dazai thanked online forums for his new-gained knowledge of dating. He had decided that the best idea would be to do something that would be casual in a way that neither of them had to be nervous and they could just relax and enjoy some food. This is how he chose to take Chuuya to a pizza place. It did not sound like the most romantic place to take someone on a date, but in Dazai's opinion, sharing a pizza could be very romantic.
The second hour was spent on choosing an outfit. His wardrobe did not have much variety yet he still struggled to pick what to wear. Only after many frustrated groans and mumbled curse words did he feel that it was good enough. Chuuya, of course, looked great. He wore a black shirt — it had one of those vintage looking prints on it — with a long tan jacket on top. The shirt was tucked into a nice pair of jeans, which covered some of his shiny black boots — that he probably wore to look taller. Dazai looked back at his black jacket and grey hoodie paired with some loose black pants and felt that Chuuya had defeated him in the fashion game.
They took the train to the restaurant Dazai picked using a map app on his phone. A bell rang above the glass door as they pushed it open and stepped into the restaurant. Dazai walked to a table next to the brick wall. He glanced around the room lit in yellow lights hanging from the ceiling with white strings. The orange-red bricks went all around the walls. Big wooden beams supported the white ceiling — the colour matched that of the door frames and windowsills. The place looked quite cosy and the jazzy background music only added to that aesthetic.
Chuuya sat opposite of him and looked around as well. "The place is nice", he said with a pleased tone.
Dazai had done well then, he smiled. "I'd only take you to the best of the best!"
Chuuya chuckled and waved a hand at him dismissingly, "Sure, sure. If only you'd done so sooner, ha?"
Dazai couldn't deny that their previous clash could have been avoided if he had done so. "Mhm, my bad. Anyway, what do you want? I'm fine with anything."
Thoughtful blue eyes scanned over the menu. "Hmm..." Chuuya bit his lip, probably debating between two options in his mind. Dazai felt his eyes be forcefully dragged down to the sight of Chuuya's lips. The warm lighting of the restaurant did not make it any easier to look away. "...and shrimp?", Chuuya's voice broke through Dazai's daze.
"Huh? What was that, shrimp?" Maybe if he teased Chuuya his inattention could be forgotten.
"The fuck? I asked if you were okay with olives and shrimp, why are you calling me one?" Chuuya asked in visible confusion, apparent from the way he furrowed his eyebrows.
"Nothing, nothing, haha! I'm fine with olives and shrimp."
The pizza came notably soon after ordering (whatever it was that Chuuya decided on). Food truly was a solution to all conflicts. They managed to eat the whole pizza without a single argument and that was quite something. Talk about a healthy relationship.
After eating they decided to take a walk before heading back. Dazai's slim fingers curled around Chuuya's forearm and with a smirk, the shorter man was pulled outside. Chuuya — who was caught fully off-guard by the act — stumbled forward and collided with Dazai's grey hoodie with a soft thump as the brunet came to an abrupt stop. "At least warn me before you do something like that..." Chuuya remarked while trying to gain a little distance from Dazai, who in return attempted to pull him back. Chuuya's efforts ended in vain.
The cold pavement was under the constant pressure of footsteps, people walking to their apartments and workers hurrying to their offices, it was a sea of sound. Dazai and Chuuya's steps faded into those deep waves, all the way from the restaurant to the river. The very same river they had made up at.
The water was unfaced by all that surrounded it. Quite admirable how it stayed calm in the ever-changing world. Even the cold didn't make it falter in its steady demeanour. It was different for Dazai, surrounded by the frigid air Chuuya's touch felt like a flame. Hot like it was going to burn his skin. Yet he craved for more of that sensation. He faced Chuuya and his eyes softened. Chuuya looked up at him and said something, Dazai could not hear the words coming out of his mouth, only see the way his lips moved. After an internal debate, he leaned down to catch those lips mid-movement. Curious to know what it felt like against his own.
Warmth spread from where their lips met to his whole body, it seeped into his veins and rushed around his body*. From the tingling tips of his fingers to the strands of his hair and his curled toes, he felt warm.
*Do not ask a doctor about the scientific legitimacy of this, I am simply too tired to think too deeply about it.
Chuuya's lips were nice, really nice. The feeling of puzzle pieces connecting and all that, you've heard it before. But really, Dazai could barely describe how it felt. Only one word could surface in his mind at that moment; wow.
Dazai, "I asked you out so are you my boyfriend now?"
Chuuya, "One, you really know how to ruin a moment. Two, that's not how it works. And three, yes."
tw // panic attack (ends at "// end")
The room felt hot. Dazai felt like he was burning. His head spun but he tried to keep on reading the textbook. With finals coming up, he couldn't waste time. He brought a hand up to his damp forehead and wiped some sweat away. That's when he realised his hand was trembling, he had failed to notice that with the way his heart pounded and blocked away all other sounds. He squeezed his eyes shut and grit his teeth. Harsh and unsteady breaths slipped through the gaps. His shaky hands came up to his throbbing head as he tried to hide away in the fabric of his sleeves.
The room suddenly felt freezing, like he was a crew member left behind in the antarctic to freeze to death. Dazai bit his lip to hold back a scream. His quickening heartbeat banged against his ribcage louder and louder like it was trying to escape. He bit harder. And harder. A metallic aroma filled his taste buds. "Fuck..." Dazai muttered. He huffed loudly and yelled, "Fuck!"
The door opened behind him and hasty steps neared him. Thin yet firm arms wrapped around his torso and a chin settled on his shoulder. "Dazai..." a familiar voice called next to his ear. "It's okay..." The voice continued. "Deep breaths, deep breaths." Dazai felt the need to obey. He breathed in slowly and then out. He kept doing that in sync with the instructions whispered to him.
If earlier the world had been spinning around Dazai like he was in a carousel, now it was starting to slow down. The pain in his chest fading away as well. None of what he felt earlier just disappeared but it started to vanish.
// end
Sometime later he woke up on his bed. "Here," Chuuya said and handed a glass of water to him. It was no longer cold so he had presumably been out for at least an hour. Dazai sat up and took the glass, gulping down a big chunk of the lukewarm water. He handed the now almost empty glass back and nodded his head in thanks. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened and Chuuya knew this. But unlike the other times, this time he didn't seem as if he was willing to let Dazai off without speaking.
"Dazai," he started, voice showing clear concern, very unlike him. "You can't keep doing this. You lock yourself into your room for the whole day, refuse to eat or drink and then end up like this. I know you need to study but not to this extent! You haven't been outside the whole week!"
Dazai looked at him and blinked a few times. No one had ever criticised him for his studying habits, only reinforced them. His mouth opened but no words came out. He wanted to say thank you; Thank you for being here, thank you, just thank you. But all that he could form was, "I'm sorry."
Chuuya shook his head disapprovingly and sighed, "Don't apologise. I know your parents put you through a lot of pressure and that must still make you feel obligated to do things like this, but you no longer have to." Dazai wanted to agree with that but wasn't sure if he could, or should. He just nodded — he still feels remorseful about not saying more that day.
Having seen how sweaty Dazai had been, Chuuya convinced him to take a shower. Dazai stepped under the cold stream of water, engulfing him. His tense muscles eased a bit under the sensation. It loosened him up until he was reminded of the water bill and promptly got out. On the floor, he was a towel and some spare clothes he assumed Chuuya left for him. His lips curl up at the image of Chuuya thoughtfully picking an outfit for Dazai from his messy wardrobe.
Dazai changed into the clothes without a second thought and left the bathroom without thinking if something was missing. Chuuya was sitting on the sofa with his phone, probably playing games again. Dazai stopped behind him and bent down to see what he was doing. "Oh, you're out?" Chuuya asked, looking over his shoulder to see, his eyes widened. "D-Dazai?!"
Before Dazai could realise what had freaked him out Chuuya grabbed his wrist. Dazai finally understood, he forgot to put on new bandages to cover up his scars. They were old scars and he sometimes forgot how he even got them, some of his memories tend to be blurry. "Oh, these" Dazai said as if it was a regular thing — to him it was.
Chuuya disagreed, "What do you mean 'Oh these'? What happened?" The dreaded question, the one he didn't know how to answer.
"Can't remember, I guess stress got to me or something. This is why I wear the bandages, sorry if they scared you. I can go put them back on."
Chuuya shook his head, "No need. Follow me."
It wasn't Dazai's first time in Chuuya's bedroom, in fact, he made quite frequent visits. It was his first time experiencing the softness of Chuuya's mattress though, but that wasn't the centre of his attention at the moment. It was undoubtedly the delicate presses of lips against his scars, the most sensitive parts of his skin. Without missing a single one, Chuuya kissed all of them and then Dazai's open lips. "Please don't make more of these or it will be such a pain for me to do this again. Actually, if I see one more, I won't be doing this again, got it?"
Dazai was unsure whether Chuuya was threatening him or caring for him. "Got it." It was better to be safe and not test out which option it was.
-----
In case you're curious, Chuuya said: "The wheater's kinda shit today, isn't it?"