I squeak through the doors of the AquaBus as they close and race past Robson's Square to the court house. I pray that Laura will still be in her office and knock, tentatively.
"Hi, Laura?" I say. "Can I talk to you by myself?"
"Rebecca," says Laura, looking up from what's left of the chicken salad on her desk. "We have to be back in court soon. I was just about to leave."
"Can I come in?" I insist.
"Of course." She closes the door behind me.
"About the trial," I begin, slowly.
Laura leaves her chair and sits on the edge of her desk, clicking the end of her ballpoint pen repeatedly. I think it's a calculated move to make me feel better. Instead my stomach constricts and my bowels threaten to betray me like in the restaurant. "What are the chances of us winning?" I ask, weakly.
"I'll be honest with you, Rebecca. Before your friend Kyle told Constable Walker about Stacy Williams, I had my doubts. She made me restructure my entire case."
"That's Kyle," I mumble. "Always looking out for me." I take a deep breath. I have to say it now, before I lose my nerve.
"What if I dropped the charges?"
Laura leans forward. "What do you mean?"
I launch into the speech I practiced on the AquaBus. "Listening to Stacy made me wonder if maybe I was wrong, too. If maybe what happened to me happened to her. If we were both wrong."
Laura's eyebrows furrow. Her pen stops clicking.
"I just don't want to be wrong," I say. "I could have consented. It's just such a mess."
"You want me to enter a Stay of Proceedings?" says Laura.
Yes, sure, exactly. If that's what it's called. "Yes," I say, firmly.
"I'm afraid I can't do that," she says, a disappointed tone in her voice.
My heart thuds and my palms sweat. "But I'm the victim. It's my decision."
"It's not, actually," says Laura. "I don't represent you, I represent the Crown. What Jesse did is an offense against the people of Canada."
"But this is about me," I stammer.
Laura shakes her head. "Not anymore. I had my doubts about prosecuting your case before Stacy Williams came to light, but with her testimony it's practically a lock. All we have left is to present our closing arguments. I'm sorry, Rebecca, but it's no longer about you."
My stomach lurches worse than it did in Monk McQueens. Jesse's life could be ruined, all because of me. "Aren't you listening? I said I'm not sure." I almost yell this.
Please listen to me. If you knew about Mom and Bill and the money and moving and her sacrificing herself...please, Laura. This is the best I can do. I will her to understand without admitting guilt.
Laura returns to her chair and continues her lunch. "I'm sorry, Rebecca," she says, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. "It's very likely that he's done this before. A Stay of Proceedings would go against my duty as Crown Prosecutor." She gives me a half-smile. "I know how you must feel."
No, you don't. You don't know how I feel at all.
"Court will resume soon," says Laura. She places her files into a manila envelope, turns off the light on her desk, then escorts me from her office the way the sheriff escorted Jesse from the courtroom. "Besides, you have nothing to lose."
I sit on the steps of the courthouse, a cog in a giant machine. A taxi opens its doors and Mom and Kyle step out. "Why did you run out on us?" asks Mom, petting my hair. Kyle pays the cabbie and the taxi drives away.
"I just...needed to get some air." I don't have the strength to stand and properly greet her.
"You walked all the way back here?" says Kyle, incredulous.
"Yeah," I lie. I ran.
"Are you sure you're all right?" asks Mom. She sits beside me and places her hand on top of mine.
"I'm fine," I say. Her skin burns into me like holy water.
Kyle glances at his watch. "It's two twenty-five. Let's go."