The argument had been going on for two months. Every conversation somehow always ended in a yelling match between us. I was persistent, but he was just as stubborn. I could see the pain in his topaz eyes every time the subject was brought up. Still, that did not deter me from my wishes. He knew what I wanted and yet he refused to give me the gift of immortality. A curse, he had called it. How pretentious of him. But then again, what could you expect from a 137-year old vampire? He had seen the horrors of the Great War first hand. He had lived at the breaking point of the world, had watched his parents die. No amount of time could take away that sense of dread and nihilism, it seemed.
I understood his worry; he had made certain to express his grievances on multiple occasions. Edward had his life taken from him at the tender age of 17. He was dying from a terrible disease and it was Carlisle who gave him a second chance. Edward did not ask for this life. He was astonished that I would even consider it a possibility.
"You would give up a life of being human, of growing up and being with the people you love? For why? What could compel you to make such a decision?" he asked me once.
The answer was so simple that I had been outraged that he didn't understand.
"I want to spend the rest of forever with you, Edward. Nothing else matters. I love you," I replied.
That certainly had pissed him off. I think we went for a whole week without speaking to each other. I appreciated Edward's concern and his devotion to keeping me human, but this wasn't his decision. It was mine, and in the end, I always got what I wanted.
Summer vacation was nearing its end. School would start again in a few days. I would be a junior at Forks High. A future was waiting for me, one I simply did not want. There were too many expectations set by my parents. Too many eyes were watching me. Although it was my life, I simply felt as though I wasn't in control.
I told myself that this year, this age of 16 would be how I lived for the rest of eternity. Once I was immortal I would be free of those eyes. I would no longer be tormented by the thoughts of failure or letting anyone down. If I did mess up, the reminder of failure would die with my family. The guilt would decompose like the bodies of my parents. I could keep starting over. I could make a million and one mistakes. I could be truly free.
I didn't need Edward to turn me. He wasn't the only vampire in town.
I took a breath to steady my pounding heart and knocked on the polished wooden door. As expected, Edward opened it. He could have probably heard my car from a mile or so away.
The tall immortal looked down at me. His golden brown hair was messy. He wore a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt.
"Bonnie? What are you doing here?" he asked me.
I had to tilt my head to look up at him properly. "I have an appointment with Dr. Cullen. Is he here?" I replied coolly.
Edward raised an eyebrow. One of his vampiric gifts was the ability to read minds. Luckily for me, I had gotten very skilled in the art of diversion. Alice had taught me to hide my thoughts with popular songs, images, etc. Edward would never know my real intent for being on his doorstep when he could only hear the number one track of the week playing on loop in my mind.
The gaudy pop song I was thinking of made Edward frown. He knew of my tricks but there was little he could do to stop them. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter a word, Carlisle appeared behind his adoptive son.
Carlisle smiled kindly to me, his teeth bright and his eyes sparkling with warmth. "Bonnie!" he said in greeting, his arms extended outwards. "Please, come in."
I smirked at my boyfriend and stepped beside him, entering the expensive Cullen house. Edward roughly closed the door and glared at his father.
"Carlisle...don't," he said in a low voice.
Carlisle's eyes softened for a moment. He put on a good natured smile.
"We're only going to talk, son. Relax. Besides, I am bound to confidentiality when it comes to my patients. I would appreciate it if you respect that."
Carlisle put a gentle hand on my shoulder. "Right this way, Bonnie."
The doctor led me up the stairs and to his study near the end of the hall. I stepped in and he closed the door behind him. The interior of Carlisle's study was dark. There were no windows and the only source of light was a yellow tinted lamp on the sturdy oak desk. There were tall bookshelves behind the desk. Filling them were hundreds of books of different shapes and colors. Some were clearly older than others, with ripped binding and fading letters.
"Take a seat, dear," Carlisle said to me as he crossed the room to sit at his desk. I sat in the plush leather chair opposite him. Once he was seated, his smile faltered and sadness entered his eyes.
"Edward doesn't want this for you, Bonnie."
I rolled my eyes. "Great opener. This is an excellent way to start this conversation," I snapped.
Carlisle sighed and rested his hands on the desk. "You've told me your reasonings for wanting to become immortal, and I have given the matter great thought. I do not think you are properly justified for a life of eternity. Your reasons are your own, and I respect that, but I cannot change you."
I pursed my lips. "Dr. Cullen, please. You're just like Edward...you're being protective. I wouldn't come to you with this matter if it wasn't important to me."
I could see a slight shimmer in Carlisle's eyes. For just a second, I could see the weight of centuries bearing down on his beautiful features.
"The people in this house were not given the choice of immortality, Bonnie. You do understand that, don't you? Every single member of this family was near death's door when they were changed. They would be dead now if vampires had not intervened." He paused and looked down at the ring on his finger. It was a simple piece of jewelry: a silver ring with the Cullen family crest.
"I truly think at times, some of us wish we had died all those years ago," he mumbled.
Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed together and he returned his gaze to me.
"I am sorry, dear. I can't change you. My decision is final. I truly want you to live your life to the fullest. Becoming a vampire is not an "out". This is a prison. It can be unbearable at times. You think it is a gift, but truly, it is a curse. Edward was right about that."
"Carlisle-" I said but he stopped me with a smile.
"I promise that you'll thank me for this one day."
Carlisle pushed his seat back and stood. "Edward cares about you, Bonnie. Our family cares about you. That will never change. So please, on our behalf, enjoy now. Enjoy being human: having friends, being normal. One lifetime of happiness is so much more rewarding than an eternity of heartbreak. Trust me."
With that, the good doctor stood and escorted me out of his study. He gave me one last smile before vanishing from the hallway. Damn vampire speed, I thought, upset.
I let out a huff of frustration and pushed a strand of unruly, curly hair behind my ear. I folded my arms over my chest and proceeded to stomp out of the Cullen house. Edward was leaning against my Jeep Wrangler. I knew from this distance he would have been unable to eavesdrop on my conversation with his father. He looked up as I got closer.
"Well?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I said.
Edward placed his hands on my shoulders and looked down at me.
"Bonnie...I'm only looking out for you. I love you. You know that. I just don't want this life for you," he breathed.
I avoided looking into his eyes. "I get it. I do. But..." my voice trailed off. I could feel my throat tighten. I bit my lower lip to keep from crying. "I don't want a life without you, Edward," I finally managed to whisper. "I'm going to get older and you're going to forget all about me. What's the point of any of this if we don't get to share a future together?"
Edward put a gentle hand under my chin and forced me to look at him.
He looked into my eyes and I let him into my thoughts. I let him see my thought process, my reasonings. Fear of failure, fear of the unknown, loneliness, entrapment...
"You need to let go of your fears, Bon. The future is so uncertain. Why waste energy on what you don't know? Focus on now. Take it from me, life will pass you by before you even realize it. I am begging you to hold on for a little longer. You'll see that everything works out in the end."
I sighed. I hated it when he got philosophical on me. The corners of his lips twitched into a smirk. I had a million more complaints bubbling inside of me but one look from Edward shut me down. I had had enough of the Cullens and their opinions for one day.
"I have to go pick up Benny from La Push," I told Edward. He nodded.
"Call me when you're home, okay? I worry about you."
I snorted in annoyance. "I've noticed." Still, I got on my toes to peck Edward's lips in a chaste kiss.
"I'll call you later," I promised.
The vampire stepped aside and I got into my truck. As I put the car in drive and began to move away from the Cullen house, I looked into my review mirror.
Edward was no longer standing alone in the front yard. Beside him was his adoptive sister, Alice. The vampire was small and energetic like a pixie. She was talking to Edward. From what I could see, they both had expressions of worry plastered on their faces. Edward looked up and watched my Jeep go.
"Nope. Not dealing with that today," I told myself and stepped on the gas.