My bed was the only bed I'd ever felt comfortable in. I never felt comfortable in the bed at my family home, I never felt comfortable if, on the rare occasions, I slept over at Morgan's house. I liked my bed. It was my safety cocoon, wrapping me up in bundles of warmth and comfort while I fell asleep in my own apartment that was also my safety cocoon.
I never thought I'd be able to sleep round someone's house, especially someone who I'd met eleven months ago and especially a man.
I was shocked, scared, anxious and a small part of me at peace as I lay next to Alex in his bed. Like the rest of his house, it was dark; dark curtains; dark wood flooring; dark furniture; dark bedding.
That was when I first walked in here. He had ushered me out of the room with a curse and in to the colourful room we spent Christmas in and thirty minutes later he called me back.
The curtains were now cream, draping to the floor, the bedding was a mushroom colour, a very light brown. He had tried to make the best of a very anxious situation and it warmed my heart.
He didn't want me panicking as I lay down or when I woke up in the morning disoriented from my sleep and panick as I looked around the dark room that reminded me more of a cave than a bedroom.
The light in the room lightened me and I couldn't help but wrap my arms around his waist and lean up on his tip toes and kiss him when I saw the small but very impactful changes he had made for me.
A smile played on my lips as we lay in his bed. With Alex, the dark colours didn't seem as threatening and horrifying. They didn't attack me and cause a spike in anxiousness. All I felt was my head pressed against his chest, his long arm securing me against me and his piano long fingers tracing and dancing against my skin lightly, leaving goosebumps and electric shocks in its wake.
"I can't tell you how amazing it feels to have you in my arms, in my bed." He whispered roughly, nuzzling his nose in to my hair and smelling. "You smell so good."
"It's coconut." I giggled, kissing his clothed chest lightly. "I like this though. With you."
He hummed, the noise vibrating from his body. "Oak." I hummed against his chest, dancing my fingers up and down his gray top. "Look at me."
Tilting my head, I strained my neck to meet his eyes. When I did, I chocked on nothing at the look in his eyes. It blew me away, seeing the love and adoration that swirled in his dark brown eyes that held threads of golden caramel.
"I need you to know something." He sat up, taking me with him. The arm that was around me rested its hand on the back of my neck, forcing me to keep eye contact and his other cupped my cheek, soothing my cheek bone with his thumb. I swallowed at the intensity of his eyes. "I have never loved anyone apart from my family. I hate everyone. I didn't want anyone in my life and I never thought I would settle down and fall in love."
In a way Alex and I were very similar. We wanted to be alone, separated from the rest of the world. He hated people and I disliked them. I planned a life where I would grow old with dogs as my only companions and would die with them eating my flesh. He planned a life of working all day everyday and never wanting to find love.
The two loneliest people found each other.
"I had always thought I'd be alone, ever since my mum died. It was what I planned for myself. But when I met you." His dark eyes lightened. I could feel myself being pulled in to them. "Everything changed when I met your annoying, alone and dumb smart self." I wanted to frown at him but I couldn't. I had to giggle at him and his eyes lit up even more at the sound. A smile lifted his lips just as it warmed my heart. "You have changed my life, Oaklee. You have my entire heart in you palm. It's yours. I'm yours. I love you."
I knew it was coming, a part of my brain had already acknowledged those three words were going to come out of his mouth but I still gasped as he said them and a tear still fell out of my eye at the beauty of his words.
I felt light, warm, on top of the world as I stared in to his eyes. I was normally feeling okay at best, just living my life alone and that hadn't bothered me but now I knew. I knew why I was alone for all those years.
I was waiting for Alex.
Alex was the only person for me in the whole world. I would only ever love him.
"I love you too." I whispered back, laughing lightly when he kissed away my fallen tear.
A second passed and then his lips descended on mine, slow and loving. My heart hammered like it was trying to break out and flutter at the feeling of his soft lips against mine like they were the most delicate and fragile thing in the world. My stomach jolted with an electric shock. The desire inside my stomach grew, clenching and swirling until it consumed my whole body like a fire. It was burning and aching but it felt amazing. It made me want to do things I had never thought about doing my entire life.
He went to pull away after a few moments but I wouldn't let him go. My desire fuelled me and I wrapped my arms around his neck, gripping the back of his neck. My kisses became harder, passionate and they held my longing for him.
His groan was muffled against my lips and his hands wandered down my body frantically, squeezing and rubbing his way down. Our endless moans and groans echoed throughout his bedroom, increasing the intensity of our kisses. They became sloppy and rough and the flips and flutters in my stomach became more frequent and intense with every groan that vibrated against my lips.
"Baby we should stop." He panted and forced himself away from me. He grabbed my wrists gently and pulled them away from the back of his neck. "If you keep moving your hips like that and releasing those sexy moans then I won't be able to stop myself from going further."
"Don't stop then." I breathed out, sliding my hands to the back of his neck again, breaking out of his tender hold.
Shock presented itself on his face, hesitation swirling in his eyes. His tongue licked his bottom lip and the action was in slow motion. I was hypnotised by his heavenly tongue sweeping across his full bottom lip, wettening it. It stirred something in me that I'd never felt before and I had to clench my thighs together.
He saw and felt the action and closed his eyes, throwing his head back with a small groan escaping him. "Baby... Oaklee stop. I don't think you're ready for that."
I read about intimacy, Morgan informed and explained about some of the stuff I didn't understand and now I was thankful for it.
Never in my life did I think I'd be in this situation, talking about wanting sex but here I am.
I wanted this. I wanted this intimacy and closeness with Alex. I wanted us to make love, to express our love for each other in a way that was so precious and private and personal that it would only strengthen our bond and our love for each other. I wanted this with him and only him.
"I'm ready." I whisper breathily, trying to bring his head closer so I could connect our lips but he resisted.
"No."
As he resisted and rejected me, a thought entered my brain and I instantly let go of my hold, my stomach dropping as embarrassment and humiliation washed over me. I had never been in this situation before and the anxiousness started to seep in. My previous serenity vanished like it was a switch and the anxiety that his hold had been suppressing washed over me like a tsunami.
He didn't want to do that... with me.
The previous conversation left my brain and now all I could feel was the sting of his rejection and the humiliation of him not wanting me. Every passing second only increased my embarrassment and anxiety. I was so stupid.
"I'm sorry..." I scooted away from him, trying to swallow back the sting of tears from his gentle rejection that I had been to blinded to see before. "You don't want to... I'm sorry."
He stared at me dumbfounded and I dropped my gaze.
Why did I ever think he'd want to? He was Alex... absolutely beautiful and kind and caring. He was like no one I'd ever met before and I was just me. I was a recluse who loved her dog more than anyone with severe anxiety and had a panic attack when talking to someone. Why would he want to do that with me?
I wasn't stupid, I knew a man like Alex had probably been with hundreds of women. I had never even kissed a man before Alex. I was inexperienced, innocent and childish compared to anyone he's been with in the past.
Why was I feeling so insecure? I had never been bothered with any of this before but now I cared about everything. My anxiety was increasing and my breathing became heavier. Why was I so stupid?
I couldn't be here. I couldn't sleep here. It was too much. The rejection, the darkness of his room, the humiliation. It all attacked me and engulfed me like a gun pressed against my temple. I fisted the sheets below me, my chest heaving while every thought crossed my mind, laughing mockingly at me.
I need to leave.
"Baby no." He pulled me closer, forcing my head on to his chest while he wrapped his arms around me when I tried to leave the bed. I struggled. I couldn't be near him. It was too much. "Listen to me. Listen." His stern voice stilled me. I held my breath. "I want to be with you more than anything. You can't even begin to imagine how many times I've thought about us doing that together. I want it. I want you." Crimson stained my cheeks. I buried my head in his chest to hide from the new wave of embarrassment that hit me. His chest rumbled with a deep chuckle while his fingers ran through my hair. "I just don't want you panicking with the new intimacy. I want you to be sure that you're ready. I don't want you regretting it."
Hesitantly, I met his eyes. "So it's not the fact that I'm inexperienced compared to everyone else you've been with?"
"What?" He asked in shock, shaking his head furiously. "No Oak. Being with you would be the most amazing and beautiful experience of my life. I want it but-"
"I'm innocent and childish and I have severe anxiety..." I started slowly, my lip trembling. "I'm annoying and dumb smart. Why would you ever want to be with me?"
I hated myself for being so insecure but it was like all the insecurities that I should have been feeling for months were plaguing me, surfacing now that I weak.
"You are all of those things." He agreed with a teasing smile. "But you are so much more than that. You are beautiful, not just on the outside. You have the most incredible soul. Being with you is a privilege and I count myself extremely lucky to be even able to lie next to you. I love you. You, Oaklee."
A smile lifted my lips and all the insecurities washed away. "I love you too and I want you like that too Alex." His face contorted. "You don't understand. I would never freak out with you. You make me feel safe and comfortable. I love you."
His adams apple bobbed. I carried on. "You make me feel things I've never felt before. I could never be scared around you because it's you. You're Alex."
Instead of replying, his lips met mine again in a soft and loving kiss. "You're sure?"
I never felt an ounce of fear, anxiousness or hesitance as I nodded. "Yes."