"My Lady...?"
You toss in your bed, fighting to come out of sleep as a voice calls your name in the distance. But after so many days without, your body stubbornly clings to the rest you have finally managed to find. Confused, caught somewhere between a dream and awake, you push against your heavy eyelids, trying desperately to open them as that voice continues to call out for you in a whisper, getting closer.
"Lady Y/n?"
A warm hand on your shoulder sends you tumbling straight into a trench of memory. Pretty, dark hair with a slight curl is matted with sweat and blood. Snapping jaws drip foam into the dirt. An axe lodges between ribs, earning a high pitched whine, and a low howl.
Gasping, you shoot up in bed, lashing out at the figure hovering over you, striking with every fiber of sleepy strength in your body. You're desperate to get away as a large hand grabs your wrist, and the memories keep coming. A torn blouse. Blood. Light in the distance. Go! Run!
Panicked, your training with Steve kicks in. You roll your body, lifting your legs and wrapping them around the intruder's neck pulling them down onto the bed and pinning them beneath you.
"Lady Y/n, it is I! Cease your fighting!"
"Thor?" you pant, relieved.
You wrench your wrist from his grasp and scramble from atop him. Once away, your mind clears quickly, erasing the panic and leaving only irritation.
"Gods, Thor! Didn't they teach you not to sneak into a girl's room at God school? What the hell is wrong with you?"
You collapse onto your back as the lingering adrenaline leave your body tingling. In the darkness, you and Thor lay side-by-side in silence, both catching your breath. After a moment, Thor lets out a quiet laugh.
"I must say my lady, no intruder is going to catch you unawares and live to tell the tale. I feel quite certain!"
You reach over and punch the God's arm. Your fist makes contact with his bare skin. He must not be in his armor.
"You're lucky I didn't break your neck, you psycho," you grumble.
Thor lets out a throaty laugh. "I was in no danger, I assure you," he boasts.
"I put you in a chokehold," you frown, staring up at the dark ceiling.
"I allowed you to put me in such a position, my lady," Thor whispers from your side. "As I could tell you were not yet awake. And did not wish you to harm yourself."
"Gee, what a gentleman," you grumble, rolling your eyes as you sit up and stand from the bed, extending your hand down to Thor. He laughs at your thoughtful gesture and doesn't hesitate in taking it. Despite that skin-crawling urge to dive back into his memories, you smile. He's the only one who never hesitates to touch you.
"JARVIS, lights on half, please," you ask.
As the lights glow brighter, you see that you were right. Thor is no longer in his standard silver armor. He has traded it for a normal t-shirt and jeans, and has his hair pulled back into a low ponytail. It suits him. He looks relaxed - and the cuts and bruises on his face have fully healed.
"So, why are you here at...2:30 in the morning?" you ask, glancing at the clock on the side table.
"I received word you had called for me. So I came."
You blink. "I'll be damned," you muse, casting him a curious glance.
"Is there something wrong?" he asks.
"No I just," you look at him incredulously. "I just can't believe it worked! You heard me? I could have sworn Tony was bullshitting me."
Thor lets out a boisterous laugh, one that's likely a little too loud for Nat sleeping in her quarters just next door.
"No, my lady. I myself could not hear you. But there is one in Asgard who can. He relayed the message to me. I came as soon as my duties would allow."
"Oh boy," you slap your forehead, collapsing into the chair near your dresser. "I probably sounded like an idiot then. Because I called out to you."
Thor casts you a warm smile as he grabs a throw blanket from the bed and comes close, kneeling at your feet as he wraps the blanket around your shoulders - left almost bare in only a tank top that matches your sleep shorts.
"Do not let this worry you, my lady," he says. "You can call to me anytime. The message will find me, and I will come."
"Yeah, sure," you scoff.
"I do not jest," Thor says, reaching up and gently tucking a strand of stray hair behind your ear. "From what I am told, you have shown great kindness to my brother. A kindness that even I myself have failed to give as of late. I am grateful. And I am yours to command, should I be of any assistance."
"Oh," you exhale, overwhelmed by the sincerity in his gaze. And as his blue eyes stare into yours, a warm sensation flows from your chest through your fingertips.
For the first time in a very, very long time, you reach for a hug.
A hug.
Thor, as usual, doesn't hesitate. He spreads his arms wide and accepts you into his chest. You breathe in his thick, warm scent and nuzzle further into his embrace. Your mind screams as your arms touch and your forehead rests against the column of his neck. But you ignore that skull-crawling instinct to link with him, and instead just enjoy the feeling of another body for the first time in years.
"Thank you," you whisper as tears threaten the corners of your eyes.
"Are you alright, Lady Y/n?" Thor asks, bewildered as he holds you tightly on the floor of your quarters.
Suddenly embarassed, you pull away from Thor and stand from your chair. "Yeah, I...I'm sorry. I just don't usually...there aren't many people who...ugh," you sigh, struggling to articulate your own emotions as you move to the window, and glance out across the city lights below.
Without regular Bleedings, you often struggle to handle your own emotional responses. They are vibrant and loud, and often manifest disproportionate to the situation. Just a few days ago you had shouted at Bruce for eating the last of the chocolates in the pantry. And the day before that, you had cried for almost an hour at the ASPCA commercial on the television. Without Bleeding, for the first time in years you're having to process your own emotions. Not outsource them.
Saying it's been a difficult adjustment would be an understatement.
And that tearful hug you had just sought? Certainly an overreaction. An over-manifestation of the gratitude you feel at Thor's willingness to just treat you like a normal person.
"My lady?" he questions once more, interrupting your rationalizations. "Have I upset you?"
"No," you say quickly, glancing up at Thor's reflection in the window pane and finding his eyes. "No, I'm fine, I just...I'm a little overwhelmed, I guess. I'm not used to having someone to trust."
"Why not?" Thor asks, genuinely curious.
Those tears you had fought back re-emerge, stronger this time. "Um," you say, lip trembling. "I just...wasn't lucky. I didn't have a lot of good people around as a kid. HYDRA didn't help," you say voice breaking as a single tear falls down your cheek.
Thor's face darkens as his expression turns grim. "Beyond your powers, I was told very little of your life," he says. "If you wish to share, I am here to listen."
You laugh - a bitter, broken noise. "Thanks," you say. "But it's not a very nice bed time story."
Thor lets out a long, deep sigh. "When my brother and I were children, my mother used to say that the stories we cannot bring ourselves to tell oft turn into the nightmares from which we try to hide."
Your mind races as suddenly memory after memory of dark rooms and tear-stained faces pop into your head. Distant echoes of bloody pleas and broken wails cause your heart to race. Then, without warning, your being pulled toward Thor's memories again as he pulls apart your own hands, and a drop of blood rolls down your wrist from your picked-open scars.
"Damnit," you seethe.
"You have done this before," Thor says, looking down at your scarred and bloody palm in concern. "Many times before," he states as he rips off a thin piece of his t-shirt and wraps it around your hand - tying it tight.
"They made me use this one to touch them all," you whisper hoarsely, clenching your left hand into a fist. "All the prisoners. The dead bodies. They always had me put this hand on its face."
Thor winces, brow furrowed in disgust and anger.
"When it was over, I...I had to rub away that feeling," you continue. "I used to rub my palm until it bled. Until it was raw. Until I couldn't feel their faces anymore."
"It is monstrous," Thor seethes, still holding your fisted left hand loosely in his.
"This SHIELD agent - Phil - he helped me stop," you say, voice weak. "He said that just because I can still remember those faces under my hand doesn't mean that they're still there."
"Yes," Thor says somberly. "Phil, Son of Coul. I knew of him. He was of importance to you?"
"Yeah," you say, choking back a tearful laugh. "He pulled me out of HYDRA," you say. "He saved me. And then I lost him. Just like that. And I was alone again."
Thor's jaw clenches. "I remember him well. He stood strong against-," Thor suddenly cuts himself off, almost violently as he swallows his words. His gaze flits to yours and he clears his throat. "He fought well against the invaders. He was a courageous man."
"He was the only one that didn't look at me like some kind of freak," you laugh tearfully.
"I do not know what a freak is," Thor says, serious in his demeanor. "But I am most certain you are not one of them."
You huff out a laugh through your nose and shake your head, finally turning away from the window to face Thor. "I suppose that's why I got emotional," you say meekly. But Thor still doesn't understand, and he cocks his head in confusion. "I just mean that, you've always been there," you continue. "From that first moment we met on the balcony you...you weren't scared of my touch. Even though you were briefed on my powers."
Thor's face lights up with understanding, and he gives you a soft smile. "I was not afraid, no," he says warmly. "Although I was struck by your youth. I did not expect a woman only in her third decade to have to face my brother."
"But it's more than that," you insist. "I mean, you come when I call. You answer me truthfully. You trust me. I guess I thought I'd never have someone I could rely on like I did Phil...but I think I was wrong."
Thor laughs and closes the distance between you, wrapping you up once more into a tight embrace as silent tears fall down your cheeks, landing on the shoulder of his t-shirt. "Indeed, I would like to believe you were wrong. I intend to serve you as long as you have need of me here. But you should know, my lady, that the others value you as a member of its family. We will all come when you call."
Family.
You once compared the Avengers to a dysfunctional family. But hearing the word said aloud, it finally feels...right. Maybe you are a family. All of you. In your own, strange way.
"My Lady," Thor says hesitantly, loosening is grip on you. "May I ask a question?"
You sigh and pull away, drawing the blanket around your shoulders even tighter. "Sure," you say, steeling yourself for more questions about your time with HYDRA.
"When you attacked upon my entrance, did you use your powers?" he asks.
You bristle, your defenses immediately going up. You had. Unintentionally. And unintentional use of your powers is always punished.
But Thor sees the way your eyes flash in fear, and immediately reaches for your hand, taking it gently. "I am not angry," he says softly. "I simply wish to understand what I saw."
Relieved, you take a small breath and clear your throat. "Yeah, I, umm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. When I'm sleeping I can't exactly control...I mean that it's harder for me to-," Thor holds up a hand to stop your rambling.
"I saw a memory flash before my eyes," Thor says. "One I have not thought on for many, many years. Did you see it too?"
"Yes," you exhale. "But...only pieces."
"Ah," Thor says, turning thoughtful. His silence makes you uneasy.
"I swear, I didn't see much," you say.
Thor seems to snap out of his reverie. "'Tis of no importance," he muses. "I simply find myself curious as to why you chose that one."
"I didn't," you say quickly. "I just...found it, I guess. A lot of people keep their most important memories closest. Even if they don't consciously realize it. I guess whatever I saw was part of one that you value the most. I'm sorry."
Thor remains silent as he ponders what you've said. As he thinks, so do you. You try to remember what you had seen. But all you can really remember is how he had felt in the moment.
He was scared. Thor, God of Thunder, had been scared.
The idea of a frightened god unsettles you. Gods aren't meant to feel fear.
It makes you think about Loki. About his loneliness. His anger. His sense of betrayal. Your stomach starts twisting itself into knots knowing the question you must ask him next.
"Thor," you say softly, pulling the blonde god's eyes back to yours. "I did actually have a reason for calling you." Thor arches a brow and gives you an encouraging nod. "I need to know something about Loki," you continue.
"I will tell you all that I can, my lady," Thor says. "What is it you wish to know?"
You swallow nervously. "Before I ask, you have to understand that I'm not looking to place blame anywhere," you say.
Thor's brow furrows, and he drops your hand as he watches you skeptically. "Aye," he muses. "Go on."
"And I'm assuming that you genuinely care about your brother," you say.
"Of course I do," Thor frowns.
You take a deep breath, and prepare to offend a god.
"So then why does Loki feel like you betrayed him?"